Hey guys, thanks for your support this last month, I know you and I both wanted me to be quicker about this. I had a huge issue with this story. I already had an ending prepared, but I felt it didn't fit the story anymore, that it was too rushed. I tried to compromise between scraping it all and publishing something that didn't fit my characters anymore. I hope you like it. Quick hello to Emily, thanks for your patience!
I let Gale sleep off his drunkenness until the morning. I sit in the corner of the room, looking at him sleep. I'm biting my nails hard, trying to pinch myself awake or something. When I draw blood and still don't wake up, I sigh in defeat and finally let my hands rest on my knees. I'm supremely tired but I really can't fathom sleeping until I reflect hard on my actions.
When Gale wakes, we talk for a long time. Probably the longest conversation we ever had without fighting. He starts off by apologizing for the scene at Haymitch's. He says he was drunk and stupid. He assures me he doesn't believe something is going on between Haymitch and me, now that he is sober. I'm half relieved for being off the hook and half ashamed because of the hidden truth behind his drunken fears. He just has the wrong guy.
He says he regrets the proposal, that he should have known it was a bad idea.
I'm immensely surprised by that, shocked even.
"You understand?" I ask.
He nods: "I was afraid, Catnip, I felt you were slipping away from me and I wanted to do a big gesture. I was foolish to think it wouldn't be a huge scare instead. I pride myself on knowing you, and I should've known you weren't ready to hear it."
"I'm sorry I reacted the way I did," I repeat, ashamed again.
"I don't want you to apologize," he starts and I raise my eyebrows at him, trying to see if he's sincere. He continues: "I'm serious, I don't want you to drown into the guilt you're wearing on your face right now, I want us to go forward, to find a way through this mess."
He is basically right about everything.
I was expecting him to deny any responsibility, to put it all on me and my internship, my new found love for the city. The fact that he doesn't makes me feel guiltier for the way I acted, for dragging him into my cloud of uncertainty and doubt. He deserves better than that.
I admit the proposal isn't the sole reason for this mess. Things has been messy for a while. I was just too inadequate to fully realize the extent of the distance between us. We have been growing apart; the proposal was just the catalyst forcing us to face it head on. I really can't picture myself being happy in Yorkville anymore, living the life we had envisioned for ourselves for years.
"Why didn't you just talk to me about this? He asks.
Truth is I don't really know why. I tell him so.
Things are just not the same between us, even dating back to before I moved. I always brushed our problems under the rug thinking they would resolve themselves but they have erupted into a mountain. I tremble under the weight of it all; useless and weak.
"Catnip, we can still repair this, repair us," he whispers softly, staring directly into my eyes.
My heart bleeds when he puts his hands around mine sweetly and declares with a heart wrenching calmness that he still loves me but simply can't fight for us alone anymore.
I know he wishes for me to step up and say I'm going to fight for him, for us.
A part of me wishes that I would. But he doesn't seem surprised when I just nods in understanding, a quiet sob escaping my lips.
I still love him, I probably always will, but the ugly truth is staring at me in the face: I'm not in love with him anymore.
He seems to know my answer before I even open my mouth. Tears start running down my face. He sighs in defeat, releasing my hands and starts crying too. It's heartbreaking, it's over between us, after all these years. I can feel it with a certainty I have not felt in months.
I cowardly leave out the part about kissing Peeta. I know honesty is the best policy, but I can't bring myself to tell him. It's a difficult conversation so far, but it's serene, in a way. I can't face the anger and betrayal he would feel if I admitted to kissing someone else. I also don't want him to think it's anyone else's fault but mine. The blame is mine and mine alone. I stopped fighting for us a long time ago, and now there is no fight left in him.
Even though it's the worst cliché, I ask if we could be friend someday.
"I don't know, I guess it'll take time," he says.
"Of course, I just‒" I can't seem to finish my sentence.
I can't imagine this being our last conversation. We have known each other forever.
We exchange some teary and definitely awkward goodbyes and he leaves, bringing a part of me in tow. I don't know if I will ever get it back. I have never been Katniss without Gale, not as an adult anyway. What am I going to do?
I'm alone in the apartment, sitting in the living room. I'm biting my nails again, contemplating my choices. It's almost the middle of the day already, and I haven't slept since forever. I have to decide what I'm going to do with my life now. I also have to figure out what I'm going to say to Peeta. He disappeared last night, he left right after I put Gale to bed. I know I'll have to face him sooner rather than later, we live together after all, but I still need time. I bet he must be very angry at me. I kissed him hard and laughed at his face when he said he loved me. Talk about mixed messages. He must think I played with him, used him. I can't bear the thought of him looking at me the way he did last night. Like I hurt him badly, like there is no chance to salvage our effortless friendship. The bond between us I've grown dependant on the last few months.
I won't deny I've increasingly leaned on Peeta this summer. First, I thought it was a harmless friendship, but I see now that it grew beyond that. We went out together, ate together, laughed together, danced together and came home together. I didn't mean for it to happen but we were just… more. I can recognize now why I was completely freaked out when I thought he was getting engaged. I wasn't just about the fact that I kissed him, it was that he rejected me.
The crushing feeling engulfing me when he told me he didn't propose was part relief... and part guilt. Guilt for hating the idea of him with another girl forever. Guilt for maybe being the reason why he broke up with Delly, while I was still with Gale. Guilt for being glad he wasn't engaged. I wasn't ready to face those facts before, but they were so clear to me now.
Some nights, I would fall asleep on his lap watching a movie or play with his baby blond hair while he took a nap on the couch. I would forget to call Gale, would purposely ignore any calls he got from Delly and just craved his presence more and more. I never acted like that with a friend, and especially not a male one. Not even Gale.
I need time to figure out what it means. Everything is possible now, I just have to be brave enough. It's a scary thought.
I no longer have a path cleared before me. I'll have to follow my own. I'm so afraid to fuck everything up. I can't jump into a relationship with Peeta now, assuming he would want that, after what I did. I know it's way too soon. I'm pretty fucked up, it'll probably take me a while to come to terms with everything that happened with Gale. I need to talk to Peeta, I can't just decide anything without seeing him, even if I feel more and more like I should pack my things and run. Where could I go? Haymitch's? No. Rue's? I guess Rue would be okay with me sleeping on her couch for a couple of days. But what about after that? How comes bile fills my throat at the thought of not seeing Peeta every day?
I shake my head, trying to push my thoughts aside, needing a break.
I decide to call Prim to tell her about Gale and me. She freaks out a little as I expected. I had made a point not to worry her about our problems and she's known him since she was so young she loves him like a brother. I explain to her that I've been protecting her from all our problems and she feels hurt, making me promise to never keep anything that big from her again. She's right of course, she's not a kid anymore. She asks me how I'm holding up, swallowing her disappointment to be there for me. I tell her everything, even concerning Peeta. She listens without judgement and I am so grateful for my little sister. She says I better not be a baby and run, that if I leave now without speaking to him, things will be a thousand times more awkward between us. I don't want that.
We talk a bit about her stuff too, I don't want to be 100% leech. About an hour and a half after I called, she has to go to work so we hang up. I already feel a thousand times lighter.
I glance nervously at my phone, debating whether to text Peeta or not. I decide against it, whatever I need to tell him, it needs to be face to face. I'm perfectly exhausted and finally crash down on my bed, falling fast asleep.
When I wake up around 10:00 pm, Peeta is still nowhere to be found. I wonder where he slept last night and what he's doing now.
Finn left a note on the fridge that he is spending the night at Annie's. I make myself a coffee, staring at the island, reliving our kiss from last night. I remember vividly how vulnerable he looked when he said he loved me, and I still can't believe I laughed. I wish he would just come home already and let me apologize.
I finally go to bed late, alone in the apartment. I wake up the next day to a still empty house.
Where the hell is he? He hasn't been home in almost two days.
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