The Story of a Dying Girl
Hey. How was your weekend?
Okay, so it's a bit short, but I guess you guys are getting used to that. I'm just trying to figure out what should come next without it being too repetitive or boring or anything.
Also, mynameislizzie wrote a comment about Skins Fire, (and a nice review, thank you by the way), but I mentioned this because I want to talk a bit about Skins Fire.
There are not enough words to describe my hate for it. But it was like they wanted Jess to try writing, like when you give a child cheap crayons, so if they break, it doesn't matter. I feel like they gave her Naomily, and said, "Here, test out your writing," which turned out to be truly and utterly shit. And she broke the crayons, and we were supposed to accept that, because well, I'm not sure. Maybe because lesbians are usually given some sadistic ending in TV and movies. It's always the lesbian that dies. And we were supposed to be okay with it.
But it's shit. It could have been some couple that no one cared about, or hell, better yet, it could have not happened at all, but instead they used a couple that was amazing and means a lot to a lot of people.
And for that, I will never forgive them.
Also, my condolences go out to those involved in the San Bernardino shooting, and also the Planned Parenthood shooting. I am sad that we live in a world where all these awful things happen, and I am truly sorry to anyone involved. I am sending my thoughts their way.
On a lighter note, thank you to everyone once again. I loved reading your comments, and it always makes my day, and sometimes I really need that.
Also, when you get to the part where it says "I took a deep breath, and walked out…" try playing this song: The First Daffodils by Bibio. Just play it until the song finishes. If you want. I jut thought it went along well.
Okay, enough of this author's note!
Chapter 24:
They sent me to the school psychiatrist today. No one gets sent to the school psychiatrist.
To put this in perspective for you, I didn't even know that my school has a school psychiatrist.
But I was sent to that there nonetheless.
Once again, to put it in perspective for you, it was basically a guidance counselor, but with more feelings and less grades.
The room was bland, and the man sat in a chair, notes in front of him, and for what was most definitely the first time in my life, I wished that I was in Mr. Dirken's English class.
The chair was comfortable, just like how this experience wasn't.
But he sat clicking his pen, rubbing his beard, and then he pushed up his glasses, coughed, and looked me in the eye.
"It's okay to be sad."
I knew that.
I already fucking knew that.
No wonder no one went to the school psychiatrist.
This guy is shit.
"About your girlfriend, you know. I understand that you must be in a difficult time, and really, I just want your thoughts, your honest thoughts. This is a safe zone."
"My honest thoughts," I repeated, not looking him in the eye, looking at a speck on the wall. A tiny speck among thousands.
And really, that's all I am. A tiny speck among billions.
"I think," I started, taking a deep breath. "I am… one person."
"Good continue," he prodded, but I wasn't really sure why that was good. My statement wasn't anything surprising.
"I am one person, out of… what, over seven billion? If I died, not that many people would notice."
"I'm sure that's not true."
"It is. And that's okay. I'm not… anything wonderful, really. One person, that's all. But she, well, she's different."
"She being Emily?"
"It's always Emily. She's… well… to put this lightly, everything. If I disappeared, in the gram scheme of things, it would not matter. If she disappeared-"
"And when you say disappear, do you mean die?"
"Yes. But like I was saying," I was annoyed at being cut off. "If she disappeared, in the grand scheme of things, I think the earth would go to complete and utter shit," I finished simply.
"Really?"
"Yes. Really."
"And why do you feel this way."
"Because I'm only stating what I know to be true in my heart. Without her… well, it's like sunrises… do you like sunrises?" I was asking the questions now.
"Well, I don't see them too often, but when I do, I find them to be incredibly beautiful and wonderful."
I leaned a bit forward in my chair, really looking him the eye for the first time.
"Well Emily Fitch is like the most beautiful sunrise you will ever see. And a person like her will never be found again. And if she disappears, or… dies, well, there are no more sunrises."
"Right…."
"The earth will have lost its beauty, at least in my eyes."
There wasn't a whole lot to say after that, because I didn't feel like talking anymore.
When I feel asleep that night, I dreamed about a world with no Emily Fitch.
I woke up drenched in sweat and panting from what was the worst nightmare I had ever had.
It was early/mid May, and everything was coming to a close.
James Fitch was not a man- well, boy- of many words that mattered.
Sure, he spoke a lot, but it was mostly some perverted thing about some perverted subject, expecting a perverted answer and a perverted outcome.
He sat in a hospital chair on a Monday.
He was staring straight at his sister, and he had this expression on his face that broke my heart.
It was like he was just realizing something, the something.
And he looked right at her like he was scared to go near her, his chair many feet away, as he stared at the pale, sick, beautiful being that is Emily Fitch.
His mouth was slightly open, and he just looked at her.
And I walked to where he sat, and I sat down next to him.
"She's dying," he said, and it wasn't really to me, and I'm not really sure if it was to himself, but I have a feeling it was.
"Yeah," I said. "She's dying."
It was hard to keep the emotion out of my voice.
No more Emily meant no more sunrises.
"She looks so… small."
And she did. She looked so small lying there.
And he sighed, it was sad, a sad sort of sound, his shoulder moving up and down, and he just stared hard at her.
I took out a book and read to her, she started to wake a bit, and she listened along, smiling and nodding, and James stayed in the chair watching her, listening along.
And I kissed her forehead when it was time to go, and I told her I would see her tomorrow even though she was already asleep, but I said it anyways, because we can't always explain the things we do, and sometimes they're illogical, but that doesn't stop them from feeling right.
"Come on," I said, and James followed me to my mum's car, and he got in the passenger seat.
"Are you hungry?" I asked.
He just nodded.
"Let's go get some fucking food," I finalized, and I drove us to some fast food place, and told him not to tell his parents, because I knew how they- especially his dad- would react to me "poisoning their son with non-nutritional" crap.
I let him get anything he wanted, which proved to be a lot of shit food, and we sat at a small table in the food court of a mall, and he eat silently, and didn't say a lot of inappropriate things, and when he did, it didn't really seem like his heart was in it. I just ruffled his hair, years of being best mates with Cook did wonders to shock at hearing perverted things.
And when he was done, we walked around silently for a bit, and when we were done, I started to drive him home, and we stopped by some liquor store, and I bought him a candy bar and a porn magazine, despite my own objections going on within my mind about how they objectified women. But I flashed my fake ID and told him once again to keep those a secret from his parents, hoping that I was fixing something, even if I was using a porn magazine and a candy bar.
And he thanked me and he was smiling, and I knew it was only temporary, but it felt good to have helped him out.
To have done something.
Emily and I were watching one of the movies on Tuesday, he head tucked under my arm, her eyes wide, staring at the computer screen.
She laughed and she smiled, and she even shed a few tears, and I held her when she did, pretending like I wasn't doing the same thing.
I took a deep breath, and walked out of the hospital later that night, into the dark.
"Fuck!" I yelled into the night.
"Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!" You get the point. And if you don't, basically, I screamed out profanities and such into the night because the love of my life was dying.
I yelled until my throat was raw and scratchy and my voice was going hoarse, and then I got into the car, and I drove home, the passing lights flashing as I drove by, but it wasn't the same as it had been when I was with Emily, Cook, and Katie.
No, it was much different.
It was quiet in the car, it was dark, and I felt different, I didn't feel full, if that makes any sense. I cried a bit, I rubbed my eyes.
I wiped my nose, I shook my head, I told myself to stop crying.
I didn't stop crying.
I lied down in bed that night, and I looked up at the ceiling, and I so badly wanted Emily to be there, laughing with me, but she wasn't.
"Naomi."
I pulled the covers over my head.
"Naomi."
I pulled the covers tighter.
"Naomi, you're gonna be late," my mum said again.
It was the next morning and it was raining outside, cold and gloomy.
"How fitting," I thought.
"I don't care right now mum."
"Naomi, you have to go to school."
I pulled the covers down a bit.
"I'm sorry, but I'm simply lacking the motivation to leave my bed and go to school and pretend like it's all okay today. Tomorrow, I will, but just not today."
She kissed my forehead.
I stayed in bed.
I texted Cook, and told him to bring me my homework and shit, and he said he would, and he also texted me saying some gross stuff about how he would probably spend lunch with Katie shagging under the bleachers.
I left and went to see Emily later that day, because no matter what, I always wanted to see Emily.
I took a bike to the hospital, and rode it in the rain. It hit my back hard, and chilled me, but I rode through it anyways.
And when I reached the hospital, I was pretty wet, and my hair stuck to my neck, and I walked inside, wiping off my feet, knowing that ultimately, it wouldn't do much good.
She was asleep when I got there, and so I just took off my jacket, which was wet, and shook out my hair (it still clung to me even after I did that), and made sure my clothes weren't really wet, so that it wouldn't cause her to get a cold. I kicked off my shoes, and I lied down next to her, and wrapped her up in my arms, spooning her from behind.
I kissed her neck softly, and soon I drifted off, with the most precious thing I would ever hold, secure in my arms.
And I let everything outside this bed drift away as well.
And soon it was just us, just us in a bed, and that was it, the world around us had melted away, because all I knew for certain was that I was holding her in my arms.
And it was all I needed to know at that moment.
Because I was holding the girl I loved more than anything in my arms, and I couldn't be sad when I had something so amazing like that.
When I woke up, it was still raining, and she was still asleep, and I just looked at her.
The way she snored softly, and how her thinning body moved ever so slightly, her chest rising and falling, and the way her lips looked, and how I wanted to kiss them, how I always wanted to kiss them, and I would always want to.
Her machine beeped again and again, like it always did, and I looked at it for a second, the lines moving up and down and then I looked away.
Looking at the walls, the stack of books on her table, the stack of homework standing tall dauntingly, teasingly.
Everything was still, and my hair was still kinda wet, and I saw a nurse smiling at us, standing in the hallway, looking a little elderly, with soft, kind features.
"You're very good together, a very sweet couple. You can see the love so clearly."
And with that she was gone.
But I didn't really notice, because Emily was beginning to stir, and I kissed her neck softly, and whispered soft words into her ear, and wrapped her back up in my arms, and with that, we fell asleep again.
There we go.
Also, just one quick note.
I know how I want this story to end, and I won't tell you how yet, but just to let you know, I am not anything like Jess Brittain.
Okay, so I hope you guys liked it.
The next chapter will be up on Sunday.
Let me know what you thought!