The Story of a Dying Girl

This is long and boring, so I understand if you just want to skip to the story.

I'll start with apologies and excuses.

I'm sorry I've left this for so long. I truly am. I feel really bad, like somehow I've taken you guys for granted, leaving the story so long and not bothering to even update or anything.

And I don't have great reasons for doing so.

School and work take up time, as they always do, but part of it also has to do with me being afraid of:

The end. I'm not great with change, and I'm so used to this story and how great it feels to write it, that I was scared- am scared- to end it.

Of it not living up to what it should be. And I still feel that way. It's the ending, it needs to be something special. I still feel as though its lacking, but I've come to realize that no matter how I write it, a part of me will always feel that way.

I'm sorry.

And now the thanks.

Thank you for so much.

Thank you for supporting my new one shot, "Emily with Age." I wrote it in a couple of hours, and despite thinking it was shitty, I posted it anyways, and you guys were supportive and kind.

Thank you for not being rude about my absence.

And thank you for supporting this story, because without you this story would remain stagnant.

And a quick note:

Please check out the story Les Neuf Cercles! It's amazing and written by a great author names 10CentPistol! It's fantastic and I hope you guys check it out!

So here is the much overdue story.

It's still shitty and not well written in my opinion, but what else has changed.

Chapter 32:

I sat down in the cheap plastic chair, and looked at the people all around me.

All the familiar, yet distant faces. Both friends and strangers all at once.

These were the people that I grew up with, but I guess I didn't really know any of them.

I didn't know what was important in Sadie Hickinson's life, and I didn't know what college Warren Yacovawitz had really wanted to go to.

I didn't know anything about these people, the more I thought about it. And I had once spent my days weaving between them, going from group to group, being in the background.

How did I do that?

How did I spend time making inconsequential conversation with people who I don't know?

Why did I waste so much time? Why did I spend all this time, trying to fit in, when I could have just been spending time with Cook? And now I won't be able to see him as much. And I can never get that time back.

And why did I spend all this time trying to hide and going on shitty dates with girls I'll never see again, when Emily was there with her heart warming smile and beautiful eyes. Why?

I can't change the past. But I guess the truth is that I've come to realize what, or I guess who, really makes me happy. And it seems like I wasted all this time doing all these things that weren't important with people who weren't important in my life. And in that time, I could have been Emily's first kiss, and maybe I could have created even more memories with Cook that I will look back on when my hair is no longer blonde and I am full of wrinkles and wisdom.

I just wish I had seen what's important.

Maybe then I could have been there a bit more for my mum when she remembered those summer nights when her bed wasn't empty, and she had a man who would hold her close and tell her that he loved her, even though those words would eventually become lies as time went on and as everything decayed.

And maybe I could have really gotten to know who my teachers were, and how maybe they're just humans too. Sad humans in want of something more.

But I guess I shouldn't waste anymore time regretting the things I did.

So I'm sitting in this plastic chair, cap and gown and all that jazz, and the principal is saying something nice, I can tell by the way the parents nod.

And I look at my mum is sitting. I can see Paddy fiddling with his tie that's a bit too tight, and how my mum gingerly loosens it for him, and how he's holding her hand with all the tenderness of a mother and child.

And I can see Emily's family, parents and grandparents and her brother and I don't miss the way Jenna is laughing about something with my mum, and I wonder what they're talking about, but I guess that doesn't matter. I guess what matters is the way that Jenna squeezes my mum's other hand like a best friend would and how Rob reaches across several bodies to pat Paddy's leg like a father might.

And then the names start.

"Pat Abrosiaromson"

"Gerald Arandianma"

And the list goes on and on.

And finally they get to the C's.

"Naomi Campbell"

The applause is nice, but what catches my attention is Cook shouting out.

"Blondie! Go on man! Get that fuc-reaking diploma!"

And how Paddy and mum and Katie and the rest of Fitchs stand up as well, yelling and whistling.

And I walk slowly to the stage, and this is the moment I worked so hard for, and that's when I see it.

Emily sitting in a chair next to Paddy, a nurse next to her, watching her like a hawk.

But that last part doesn't matter because Emily's sitting in a chair next to Paddy.

And that means she's here.

And she catches my eye, and she gives me a wink that makes me feel like I'm under the monkey bars again, just having fallen as that little girl with the bow asks me if I'm okay.

And so I fid myself walking on a cloud, and I shake a hand and I grab a paper and I here a picture being taken, but all I can focus on is the way she looks at me like no one else has ever existed in this world.

Invading all my senses, overwhelming me completely. There she is.

And the way she smiles at me is like she's hit me over the head with just how much I can love another human being.

And I feel like I did all those times, all those days, all those years, before Emily and I were dating.

Like when I spent half of my time in class during the seventh grade staring at her, and the way she bat her eyelashes and the way she looked when she was in deep thought.

Or how I felt when it was the tenth grade dance, and she sat alone on a chair, as Katie danced with someone who's name escapes me now. And how she swung her legs back and fourth, trying to look like she was okay with just sitting there, like she was okay with being the twin that just sat there.

And how she made eye contact with me that night, as I stood there with Cook at a punch bowl, as he made some remark about spiking it to "give it a kick and make some memories." And how I felt like a coward that night, for not going over to her, and asking her to dance.

And how I beat myself up about it for two years, about how I didn't have enough courage to ask her to dance.

And so I find myself on this cloud, and before I know it, I'm on the ground, and the four years of my life working for this moment.

This is young love isn't it? This is what you see on TV and in movies, where that one character met the other, and the rest of the series consisted of hand holding and stolen kisses.

"Chester Coagionateseon"

This list continues as I find myself back at my seat.

"James Cook"

I stand up, yelling and clapping, and Paddy is on Rob's shoulders like it's a sporting event, but I guess everything is a sporting event to Rob.

And he strides up, grabbing the diploma, reaching to shake the principal's hand, before pulling it back, laughing, and then giving the principal an over enthusiastic hand shake.

He strikes one last pose before leaping off the stage.

And the names get called. I recognize some of them. Others I don't.

And then we get to the Fs.

And there's that small voice within me that asks whether Emily's name will be called.

And I know it won't. I know that.

But I have this hope, that somehow, for some reason, her name will be called.

"Katie Fitch"

We applaud and the noise is intense, but selfishly, there's something lacking from me.

And I wish there wasn't, but there is and I can't control that.

And I can't help but notice how something lacks from the whole applause.

Because while it's loud and cheerful, there's something restrained about it, something that oozes questions about Emily.

It's like everyone is thinking about the other Fitch sister.

And it's not really fair. And Katie realizes it, that the clapping isn't as wild as one might think it would be.

But I guess that's part of having a twin. Or maybe part of having with cancer.

And so she marches on anyways, and grabs her diploma, and all that jazz, all the while knowing that this moment is being shared with her sister.

And maybe that's also a part of being a twin.

I wouldn't know.

And so names get called, and finally we get down to the Z's, and I feel bad for them too because by then, everyone just wants this ceremony to end.

And then the principal makes some speech, and maybe I should have paid more attention to it, but I figure I won't hear anything life changing, nothing that I didn't already know:

Don't do drugs.

Succeed.

Be Responsible.

Be Yourself.

And so I just stare at Emily, at everything she is, and how lucky I am to have a girl like this in my life.

And finally, I throw my cap in the air.

And it's over.

It's all over.

No longer a teen, but now I'm supposed to go out and make my own life, my own path.

And so one day I can grow up and have a family, and one day I'll send my kids off to college, and the cycle will continue like the cycle has.

I walk over to my family, and mum hugs me, and there's something so incredibly sad about the way it feels, something so final, but all at once something so new and full of potential about it.

And I wonder a bit about all the different ways my life could have come to this point.

Maybe I would have come to this point with Emily sitting in the crowd of students, healthy and without any worry of cancer.

And maybe I could have come to this point with an even larger group of people who I really truly care about.

And maybe I could have come to this point with a father, my father, sitting next to my mum.

But I came to this point like this, and some would say that's all that matters, that I came to the point at which I'm at.

But really, I think that what matters is the way I came to this point, and I wouldn't trade that for anything.

Well, I could have done without Emily having cancer, but I guess that's just a piece of it all, a piece of the story of us.

And so I look around at all the people around me, family in all shapes and sizes.

I lean down to hug Emily, who holds me tightly, like the moment she lets go our souls will cease to exist.

And she's mine.

And I'm hers.

And why think about the past parts of my life when I have the future right here.

"Have I ever told you I love you?" I ask, somewhat joking, but somewhat seriously, because I need to make sure she knows.

"I think you might have once or twice," she says in a teasing tone.

"Well, then let me tell you once more: I love you Emily Fitch. With all my being, with all my heart. I love you."

"I've known that since we were nine, space cadet."

I kiss her again, because I can.

And with that she looks into my eyes and gives me a look that I hope every good person gets to experience in their lifetime: One of true love, without any ifs or buts, just love.

And it's so amazing, and she does it without trying, and once again, I feel like every hardship, every time I felt pain has been worth it.

Every time I got beat up.

Every time I felt a pang in my heart with the knowledge of my great aunt, Tina's declining health.

Every time I longed for a father in my life.

Every time my mother was too busy crying over him to really be present (not that I blame her).

All of that has been worth it for this moment, because she is here, and she is mine.

And even the biggest idiot in the world could realize how lucky I am.

She squeezes my hand gently, in the way that is so completely Emily.

"I love you too Naomi Campbell."

And really, what more could I ask for in life?

Shitty work.

The epilogue will be up on Sunday.

I read all the reviews I get at least 5 times. The site has been a bit weird lately with showing the reviews, but I've been able to read them through my email, so don't think that I'm not appreciating them and that I'm ignoring them.

Please let me know what you thought if you want. It would make me smile like a loon.