Chapter 14: Self Conflicted Thoughts

Everything seems so boring now.

I'm not sure if it's because Takeshi isn't my 'boyfriend' anymore or if everybody just gave up on trying to convince others about the Guardians actually existing. I feel so terrible. I can't believe we weren't able to help Dad at all. W-what if he does die and remain gone forever? I don't know how my family would survive. Jack Frost is the foundation of this entire family. Without him, we'd be nothing. Who would make all the funny jokes and laugh chaotically with his eldest son? Only nothingness would replace him, reminds us all that he will never come back again on Earth.

Fortunately, Takeshi and I are still friends.

However, there seems to be this mist of awkwardness whenever we do socialize.

Everything changed. I'm not sure if it was for the best... Or for the worst. Would I be happier in a fake relationship or in this stiff friendship? I can sense that Takeshi acknowledges this significant change as well. Honestly, I felt more alive when I was 'dating' that gray eyed teen. I don't know why or how, but I just did. I miss his gentle touch and smiles and laughs. Oh boy, I really miss Takeshi Kaito as my boyfriend. Damn it, this isn't a good thing! I wish I had a switch to turn off all these strange emotions circulating within me and screwing with my mind.

Yesterday, Takeshi and I were lining up to buy our lunches and his left hand was so close to mine. Without even realizing it, I almost held his hand. Good thing Takeshi didn't notice. My body still seems to forget the fact that we have officially broken up already. What is wrong with me? Not being able to control my own actions is scaring me.

"You're looking a bit down," Izumi coughed and sat beside me.

I glanced up at the concerned chatterbox and I sighed. "Things are just really complicated right now, Izumi..."

She tilted her head to the side and questioned, "Is it because you don't have Takeshi by your side anymore? Hmm?"

"W-what?! No," I furiously shook my head, "No!"

"Smells like denial~ C'mon, Thalia, you can tell me the truth~"

"It's the truth, damn it!"

"I don't think so~"

"Stop using that annoying tone!"

"This one?~"

"Yeah, that one!"

"Seriously though," she peered into my eyes, "it's not healthy to keep all your emotions bottled up. It can lead to stress and stuff. If you do miss Takeshi, then just admit it. You go through too much trouble denying and denying and denying-"

"Fine."

"Fine what?"

"... I do miss him, okay. There. I said it!"

"That wasn't so bad, right?~"

"I suppose."

"I don't understand why you two broke up. You guys were like the perfect couple! What severed the relationship anyways?"

Whispering, I breathed, "It wasn't a real relationship to begin with..."

"What? I can't hear you, Thalia!"

"I said that the whole thing was a faux."

Izumi gasped and exclaimed in utter shock, "I-i-it was fake the whole time?!"

"Shut up, Izumi, and talk more quietly," I nudged her hard and yanked her outside to where it all began.

We were back on the basketball courts where I first interrogated Izumi about Takeshi. That was also when she randomly screamed that I loved him. So annoying. Well... Let's say it was different back then compared to now. I barely knew that kid. Now, it's like I'm the only person that knows everything about him. He even admitted that I was the one person he told about the whole 'almost murder scene during the swimming field trip'. Takeshi has got to have some sort of trust in me. I certainly trust him.

"I see you're having relationship issues involving my little bro," she mused.

"That's an understatement," I admitted, "honestly, I do miss Takeshi. It's just... I wanted to stop this fake relationship already. If I ever wanted to date somebody, I would do it for real. Not to make some disgusting rumor disappear."

Thalia sighed and straight forwardly answered, "It's easy to fix that! Just ask him out!"

"W-what the hell?! Normally, the guy is supposed to ask the girl out. Not the other way around!"

"It would be more interesting," she grinned, "Thalia, you would be a celebrity at our school!"

"I do not want that, Izumi!"

"Then... what do you want?"

"A real relationship!"

In realization, I instantly clapped my hand on top of my mouth. Did I just confess that out loud? And in front of Izumi for heaven's sake! I am so stupid. So incredibly stupid. Izumi dramatically gasped and started smiling in glee. My cheeks darkened and I failed to hide it. This only made the chatterbox laugh. Embarrassed, I hid my face under my warm hands. I refuse to let others see my facial expression.

I hate feeling this way!


Takeshi's POV

If I were to choose one word to describe life at the moment, it would be. . .

Crappy.

Ever since Thalia broke up with me, everything just went downhill. I felt terrible. Even my family seemed to sense the fact that I was more depressed than usual. I don't like this feeling. I want it to go away. Sighing, I lazily peered up to the gray sky. No blue shades were visible, only dark gray clouds. Similar to my own eyes. Even the weather is reflecting my own self conflicted feelings.

Honestly, I wish I could start all over.

Except this time, I would ask out Thalia Frost for real. Instead of accidentally knocking her over with the door, I would bring her into my arms again. Although she would probably think I had problems, I would not mind at all. This time, I would confess my feelings and ask her to be my girlfriend. Why would I do that?

Because my future self would know how much I would miss everything about her. Her hugs, her kisses on the cheek, her smiles, her laughs, her words, her scent, her personality. Especially holding her hands. I loved doing that. She made me feel like a person. Not a monster I thought I was. Nobody could cheer me up until I met her. I really think I would have committed suicide if I didn't have the honour of meeting Thalia. Gah, I sound so cheesy. Unfortunately, it is impossible to start all over. Life isn't just a game where you can rewind and pause whenever you please. There is no such thing as a universal remote control that controls your world.

It's so difficult to ignore these feelings.

What is happening to me?


A/N: Please review! Thank you so much to everybody who did review. :)