ABC needs to get their shit together and release their list of renewed shows. Like Now. Please. Seriously. It's killing me. I need to know. Thanks =)

On the 22nd I'm leaving to visit Europe for 10 days, and I'm praying that I'll have new inspiration and ideas to write about when I return. Super excited! I wish you all the best while I'm gone!

And really this is the most angst-y thing I've ever written I think o.0 So I'm not really sure where it came from because I normally write about bunnies and rainbows and lollipops (sorta) so let me know how you liked it! And it's some more much needed Beckett/Lanie time!

Disclaimer: In Marlowe We Trust (not me… I wouldn't have a clue…)

Enjoy!


Never in all the years she had been a cop, in all the years she had been working the homicide floor, never had it been this difficult to walk through the double doors to the morgue. And that was kind of saying something.

She had that kind of nervous feeling you would get right before you had to speak in front a crowd of people, with a strange bit of guilt twisted within it. Her palms were clammy, stomach clenched, quickened heart rate – she was subconsciously aware of it all.

She was trying to keep her objective at the front of her mind. Get in, make it true, honest and easy, get out. Easy.

But it wasn't as simple as she wished it to be. The reason for her presence was not one related to her work. No, it was because of a fight. And out of all the fights she had fought in her lifetime, this was one of 'em that struck home; in a bittersweet gut wrenching way.

It was also one of those fights you had where you couldn't even remember how it had begun – only how you felt when it ended.

"Lets make this easy, okay? That man loves you Kate, you hear me, he loves you. Simple as that!"

"Yeah well what about you an Esposito? Every time you guys get close enough to having a strong relationship, you get too scared of the commitment, like it's gonna-"

"Oh no, you did not just go there!" Lanie seethed, stunned her friend would even speak those words and go down this path, "This is coming from the girl who is a god damn professional at running and hiding from her feelings! Out of all the people in this room Kate, you're the one who's acting like a coward about it."

At this point tears were welling up in Kate's eyes. Maybe it was because hearing the truth hurt. Or maybe because she knew she had to hear it. But she kept on fighting her point, in a strange attempt to justify herself.

"Of all the people I know, no – of all the people I trust, I would expect you to understand what I've been through. That maybe you would get it that I've been to hell and back a few times! So that maybe that's the reason I'm a little scared, that it's the reason it's hard for me to commit."

Lanie stared back at her for a moment, fire in her eyes. The look topped all others Lanie had ever shot her way. Suddenly her voice was like a course whisper. "God Kate, just please be honest with me here! I just don't get why you keep denying yourself the happiness you want and need."

Kate had heard these words a few too many time. From her father, her old boss, co-workers, now her best friend, and – him…

She wasn't sure how she was moving forwards; she could barely feel her legs at all. Her body was just on overdrive, leaving her mind racing to catch up. Her heels were clicking down the hall towards the doors, betraying her and giving away her position to the enemy. Okay… a little exaggeration there, maybe not the enemy; but this woman had caused her enough grief over the last three days to late her for a long while. Regardless, the sound of her heels and her heartbeat is all that dragged her onwards.

She knew that while ignorance may be bliss, there was no way things could stay like this, the way they had been since the last time she saw her friend. Words could hurt, and right now words were the only thing that had a hope in hell of healing the two of them. An apology? Maybe. An apology and some down to earth honesty? It might do the trick. The truth had been something Lanie was trying to squeeze from her friend ever since… well forever.

The fact than Lanie was suddenly so calm with her previous statement only made her anger worse, she was in a fight and she wasn't about to suddenly quite. "You know I wonder if anyone has even stopped to think for a second and wonder 'Oh, maybe she is happy. Maybe I should just leave her be.' Frankly they haven't thought that far yet! Because all I ever seem to hear is that I deserve happiness. Lanie I'm sick of it!"

"Bullshit you're happy! I know you're not; at this point you're just content and while it might deceive you and look like happiness, lemme tell you that there is so very much more for you if you just open your damn eyes and see it!" Lanie held her arms protectively across her chest, crossed together tightly with her lips pursed and she didn't dare to blink and allow tears to flow down her face. She would give anything to make her best friend see this right now.

Right as she was about to throw her hands out in front of her to push the door open and make a dramatic entrance, she realized she didn't have a game plan. She didn't know what she was going to say to her friend after their fight. It had been days since the incident – she could hardly even remember what they were fighting about. Lies. She did, and she was fully aware it was about the current status of their relationships. It was all she had thought about.

A strong sense of ambivalence hung over her as she was about to walk through the door. On the other side was her friend that would help her, hold her up, and make sure she made it through things. The same person was clearly more than willing to give her a kick in the ass when she needed it.

Kate felt like she was posing control – this entire conversation was not in her favor and was rapidly spinning out of control. She hated it. She had to gain some ground, make her friend see some sense.

"Lanie… You guys had something, I mean you actually, truly had something. And it seemed perfect – for the both of you. And you gave up on it so easily. You tossed it to the side when it was questioned. You need to stand up and fight for it! You are both so much stronger than that. Believe me I see that. Lanie, don't you miss him?"

"Don't you love him?" Lanie fired back in a heartbeat.

Knowing she had to get this over and done with, she pushed open the doors and stepped into the brightly lit room. She saw her friend instantly as she looked up from her notepad and made eye contact. Her gut clenched and her heart shot into her throat. Kate felt terrible about it – all of it. Every word she said and how she walked out on her friend. She didn't mean it.

Her words nearly made her heat stop. It was the first time someone had ever asked her that question so…directly. It felt like someone had just stepped onto her own sacred land. A little piece of her that was reserved only for herself and the entirely of that question and everything that went along with it.

Kate finally broke eye contact and found a new fascination with the fabric of her shirt. She pursed her lips, and willed herself to be anywhere but here. And she could be. Kate looked back up at her friend one last moment before she abruptly turned and marched straight out of the room without another word.

She walked across the room, not speaking a word, until she stood directly in front of her and held her arms out in the offering of a hug. Barely a second passed before Lanie discarded whatever she was absorbed in and accepted the hug, holding her friend tight to her.

They both knew they were okay. Worse things could happen. Silly fights like this could be forgiven.

They stood like that for an immeasurable amount of time. Defiantly one for the record books anyway.

"Only will the two of us fight about guys when we're not even with them." Lanie mumbled into her shoulder.

It was impossible not to laugh at her friend's insight.

"Well maybe we should do something about that then, huh?"

"Damn girl you better be talking about the 'not being with them' part." She laughed back still holding on tight.


Thanks so much for all of you have been following along since chapter one, and those who are catching up now!

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So thanks again!