A/N: See Disclaimer in Chapter 1. Beta'd by melindaWRITER and NinaK.05.
Chapter 6: Grinder
He hasn't seen Kate since that day, that day she told him she is to attend police academy; whenever his mother broaches the subject with Jim, he grows solemn and jokes the questions away. But Rick, always quick with observations, can see how much Jim's daughter's decision and obstinacy about confronting and healing frustrates and hurts him.
He avoids the subject around Jim, though he knows his mother has become his confidante in that area. What surprises him is how remarkably close-mouthed about the whole situation, given her usual lack of restraint in all areas of her life. He didn't think her capable, but she has aged since Johanna's untimely death– she is still her usual flamboyant self, but…now she carries an air of responsibility Rick has never seen before.
Alexis has been the most hurt, of the three of them, at Kate's disappearance from her life. Carrying abandonment issues already from her mother's abrupt departure, Rick could feel nothing but a sense of helpless rage as his daughter once again cries her eyes out about another exit (though he himself has had no idea their bond had gone in so deep, or he would have had made plans for eventualities).
She withdraws into herself, and Castle grows more and more concerned, but helpless to do anything; until, finally, her nursery teacher pulls him aside one day.
"Mr. Castle, I'm not sure if you've noticed…" her teacher hesitates, glancing over at Alexis, who is half-heartedly playing with her dolls; "Alexis hasn't really been herself in the past. When you mentioned that your ex-wife had left, I had seen some of the same behaviour, but she quickly adjusted; has something traumatic happened?"
Rick gazes out at his daughter, only half-hearing her teacher's words. "A close friend of mine…passed away suddenly earlier this year."
"And was Alexis close with this friend?"
He looks her square in the eye. "Yes, very. It was…under quite tragic circumstances."
"I am very sorry for your loss," her teacher replies, looking sorry for having pressed Rick. "I had a student who had similar behaviour, several years ago, and he went and saw a counsellor." She hesitates. "I would like to recommend you take Alexis to one."
Rick lets out a huff of surprise. "You really think it will help?"
"I think Alexis needs to talk about it," she replies, and walks over to the arts and crafts cupboard. "Here, look." He can see Alexis's crooked and loopy attempt at her name on the top of every sheet of the stack of papers he has been given. He smiles, but it is gone as fast as it had appeared.
He sucks in a breath. In every single picture, there is a little girl with a large frown on her face off to a side, with adults – one, two, three, four – on the other side. Dark, angry clouds clutter up the sky-scape. But all Rick can see is that one male figure placed solidly on the other side. "She thinks…I'll leave too?"
"I can't offer a professional opinion, Mr. Castle," her teacher says openly, "But yes, this is what it seems, to me."
He takes a step back as if he has been struck, and he can feel the beginnings of tears welling in his eyes. "I…I will think about it. Thank you, Mrs. Bennett."
Alexis is quiet all the way home, and Rick is similarly so, thinking of the conversation he is going to have with his daughter when he gets home. He knows his mother is off with Jim again, probably with a bunch of their other friends, and won't be back for another while.
When they get home, Alexis sits at her usual place at the dinner table with her milk and cookies, quietly nibbling away. Rick sits next to her, and she looks up, surprised, when her father makes no attempts at jokes, only gazing at her quietly.
"Papa?" Her listless eyes tear away at him; why hadn't he thought of taking her to counselling sooner?
"Alexis…you know where people go when they get sick?" His tone is gentle, soothing, disarming.
"The doctor's." She gives her father the "shouldn't you know that" face.
"Well…" And he is at a loss for words. "Uhm, sometimes, bad things happen to people, and it feels like their hearts are broken." He holds his hand over his heart, "Right here." He hesitates, but chooses to go further. "Do you feel this, ever?"
Alexis starts to shake her head, before changing her mind, her eyes filling with tears. "Papa, it hurts so bad all the time."
"I know, Pumpkin, I know." He pulls Alexis onto his lap, enveloping her in his embrace, tears running down his own face. They sit there in silence, before Alexis wipes her face all over her father's shirt.
"Papa, do they have heart-doctors too?"
What a smart cookie, he thinks.
Carefully, "Yes. Do you think you'd like to go see one?" He sees determined blue eyes staring back into his, and he knows what her answer is before she even responds.
"Papa, I don't want to hurt anymore," she shrugs, and then hesitantly, "If I go…will you come with me?"
His heart shatters into a million pieces again. He chokes, before saying, "Of course, Alexis. Of course."
She snuggles back into him.
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After she has gone to bed, he waits up for his mother, despite physically exhausted from the emotional drain the conversation had had on him. He finds himself drifting off, and jolting awake at inopportune times. Finally, he hears the door open.
"Richard!"
He glances at the clock: 2:31am. Picking himself up off the couch, he banters back, "You're late!"
"We were over at Jerry's, and we may have all fallen asleep during the movie," she replied, flapping her gloves at him. "Dreadfully boring movie. Now we know not to let him pick the movie next time."
Rick grunts.
His mother takes a second look, and sighs. "Oh, darling. It's Alexis, isn't it?"
Rick nods heavily, and seats himself at the table, his mother follows suit. "Her teacher…she recommended that Alexis go to counselling."
"And…?" She lays a hand across his forearm, as his other one is occupied, cradling his forehead.
"I asked Alexis if she wants to do it, and," He chokes again; his emotions are on a runaway train and he couldn't rein them in, even if he tried. "She – she…" He struggles for composure, trying again: "She wants to do it."
"Well, that is certainly good news," his mother says lightly, though her hand doesn't leave his arm.
"Mother, she thinks we're going to leave her." His red-rimmed eyes are glazed over with tears refusing to fall any longer. "She thinks we're just going to abandon her." The righteous anger in his voice, ending in a broken note, has Martha struggling for her own composure.
"Oh…Richard…"
And then it is his turn to fall into a parent's embrace.
"Mother…do you think we should go see someone too?"
There is silence, before Martha admits, "Jim and I…we've already been going to counselling the past few months."
He looks at her, surprised. "…Oh."
"I didn't want to broach the subject with you, Richard," she says, sighing. "But, you know, it's doing a lot to help me, and you can see how much better Jim is now. It will be good for you to see someone."
"…I think I will."
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He makes sure not to see his counsellor the same day as his daughter sees hers; he makes that mistake once, and realizes that he has no emotional capacity to help his daughter carry her burden after being completely drained in his own session. And so, they fall into a routine: on days he has an appointment his mother takes care of Alexis, giving him space to process his emotions and time to stabilize his emotional state. And on days she has appointments, he sits in the waiting room, patiently waiting for his daughter.
Today is one of those days. He sits with his notepad on his lap, sketching out Derek Storm's character profile. Abruptly, he hears Alexis wailing inside; and everything within him screams to barge into the room, but something within stops him from doing so. He reassures himself by looking at the clock; there are only five minutes left to the session before Dr. Connors, Alexis's therapist, comes out to discuss with him Alexis's "homework" for the week.
True to form, she opens the door right as the hand strikes 4:25pm. "Mr. Castle?"
He stumbles in, eager to get to Alexis, who is still wailing away (he hasn't heard her this loud since she was born), and immediately she buries her face in her father, and holds on to his leg tightly. Hoisting her up, he sits in the couch by Dr. Connors' desk.
Finally, Alexis quietens, to sniffles, and then small snores.
"Well," Dr. Connors is all smiles, at which he can't help but feel there's an inside joke he's missed. "Today went very well." She pauses, her face growing solemn, and re-shuffles her papers. "Alexis finally opened up today, and what I've thought all along has been confirmed." She looks sadly at Alexis, and then back at Rick. "Mr. Castle, I'm afraid Alexis has Abandoned Child Syndrome. She shows all the classic signs: withdrawal from social activities, an abnormal fear towards trusting others, and with your mention of nightmares and poor sleeping habits; today, she let on that she feels extremely guilty about her mother leaving, and a woman named…Johanna and her daughter, Kate?"
Rick's fists tighten, but he says nothing.
Dr. Connors continues, not noticing. "And, Mr. Castle, I hesitate to say this, but I believe Alexis may also be suffering from depression."
Rick bows his head in resignation; he hasn't expected any differently.
"The good news is, both are manageable. I'm not fond of medication – and certainly not at this age. Children have an amazing healing rate, and having seen your interaction with her, I am sure she will especially sprout in a supportive and warm home."
After a long period of silence in which Rick digests her words, he feels an unfamiliar feeling rising from within his chest, a first in a very long time: hope.
Dr. Connors smiles gently at him. "You mustn't give up. She needs you now, more than ever. And I have great faith in Alexis…and you."
A/N: Don't worry, happier days to come...I shan't leave the Castles and Becketts in a ditch. Any mistakes here are not the fault of my betas; I may have re-written things after they finished their read-over. Leave a review! Cheers, Ce'Nelenia
