Chapter 3
As Helena sees Myka in the doorway she makes her way towards her to steady her. This time Myka does not push her away.
"Where is Pete?" Myka asks, not because she needs to know, she already overheard the conversation, she wants to see what Helena will tell her.
"He went over to the Warehouse, to catch up on some work I guess." Claudia answers.
"Why?" Myka asks.
This time Helena answers "Because he felt he was upsetting you and he didn't want that."
Well, it was true. Not very enlightening, but true.
Helena is still holding the piece of paper in her hands, the supposed letter Myka wrote to herself.
"What is that?" Myka asks.
"That is something I want to show you, I hope it will help you understand a little bit what is going on." Helena answers. "But first come back to bed, you should be resting."
"Of course." Myka scoffs. "I should be resting because I'm pregnant." She says sarcastically.
Helena motions towards the bed.
"That." Myka tells her, "Is not my bed. I don't care what you say, I'm crazy, I'm pregnant, whatever. But that is Pete's bed, this is Pete's room. That is not my bed, and I will rest in my own bed." Myka states emphatically.
"That's very reasonable, Come then, I will take you to your room." Helena agrees with her a little too quickly.
"I don't need you to take me to my room, I can find it myself." Myka protests.
"I know that." Helena responds "But I want to show you this letter, and I want to talk to you about what is happening, If that's what you want. But if you are tired, you can rest and we will talk tomorrow."
Myka laughs then. "No way, you want me to just go to sleep and what? Wake up tomorrow and magically believe in this crazy whatever this is? If I go to sleep now I might wake up tomorrow as deluded as you, no offence. No way, you can't fob me off like that. I need answers." Myka insists.
"Alright then, let me come with you to your room, you can lie down, and we will talk."
Myka nods in agreement. "You too, Claudia." Myka tells her. The more people she talks to the more answers she will get. Claudia was a very bad liar too, where as Helena was decidedly more skilled in that area. Claudia was needed as a truth barometer.
Once they reach the room Myka stops to look around. It was her room, yes. Not quite as she remembered it. A few things were out of place, missing, other new things she did not recognise, but the room itself was hers. Some familiar comfort at last.
She has to admit it did feel good to sit down. This imaginary fake pregnancy was all too real and she can barely stand on her feet another moment.
"You should lie down." Helena suggests.
"Stop telling me what to do." Myka snaps at her.
"Hey." Claudia protests. "She is only trying to help you, Myka. I know you're confused and scared, but Helena is trying to help you. Don't take it out on her." Claudia pauses as if she wants to say something else, like 'Don't take it out on Pete either'. But she doesn't.
"I'm sorry, Helena." Myka apogises, as she allows Helena to lift her legs onto the bed. Even allows Helena to tuck her under the covers. And again she has to admit, it feels good to lie down. Physically good that is. Emotionally she feels all the more vulnerable as they stand over her. "Sit" she tells them both.
Helena sits in the armchair, bringing it close to Myka's bedside. Claudia walks around to the other side of the bed and sits next to Myka. Myka can't see her, because she has turned onto her side to face Helena, but she knows Claudia is there. She can feel it somehow even before Claudia places her hand gently on Myka's back for support. It's a simple gesture but it is meaningful. And regardless of what is going on, she knows no one is trying to hurt her. Not even Pete. And somehow she feels less alone now that she is in a familiar place, things are more like normal, Claudia and Helena care about her, they will listen to her, and everything will be ok.
Without realising Myka lets her hands rest on her belly, it's instinctive, as she feels the baby move inside of her. "So?" Myka starts . "The letter?"
Helena hands her the piece of paper. It is Myka's own handwriting but she does not remember writing it. It's also not very enlightening. She isn't sure what she has been expecting. Maybe "Dear self, if you wake up in an alternate reality where you are pregnant with Pete's baby then you should do x,y,z." But no. The reality was vague and dissatisfying.
"Note to self. Whatever happens remember that the people around you love you and want the best for you. Artie, Vanessa, Pete, Helena, Claudia, they are all trying to help you. It is going to be very confusing, but trust that they have your back. Trust them to do the best thing for you. It all seems confusing and scary now, but it will end, things will be fine, better than fine, you can't see it now, but this is all part of something bigger. I'm not at liberty to say any more. Just relax, and trust the people around you."
"That's is?" Myka asks. Discarding the paper onto the ground in disappointment.
"You wrote it." Claudia reminds her teasingly.
"What were you expecting?" Helena wants to know.
Myka just shrugs.
"You said you wanted to talk to me, you would tell me what was going on." Myka says to Helena.
"I'm happy to talk to you, Myka, always. But you have to understand, I don't want you to worry about things you don't need to worry about." Helena says.
"Things I don't need to worry about? So I don't need to worry about my...life? My ..husband? My baby?" She demands, the words sounding so awkward, as if they belong to someone else.
Helena reaches her hand and places it over the top of Myka's hand, still resting on her belly. "I still remember what that feels like, to have a baby growing inside of you. Over a hundred years, and I remember as if it was yesterday." Helena says, in a sad faraway voice. "One thing you really don't have to worry about is the baby, the baby is fine. I know you don't remember any of this, and it must seem strange to you, but just take a moment and enjoy this feeling while you can. Of a life inside of you. It is the one great miracle of life. And I promise you this- your baby is fine. More than anything I wish you could just enjoy this moment, and that the joy hadn't been taken from you like this."
Myka does as Helena asks her, because it's hard to say no to a woman who is talking about her dead daughter. And because it is all so real, and she can feel it, this child inside of her. She can't imagine what it must be like for Helena, to have a baby, a baby she wanted and loved and raised, and to lose that child. And for a moment Myka feels a kind of peace. But it is short lived. She forces herself out of it. She can not get swept up in this false life, false reality in which she is what? A house wife to Pete? A mother to his baby? This is not her life, not the life she wanted, not the life she chose, and every minute that goes past makes it harder and harder for her to remember her real life, harder for her to find the way to escape.
Myka's eyes cloud over with anger and she utters "Why should I trust a word you say?" She accuses Helena. "You lied to us, all of us, you nearly destroyed the world, I don't know what you are even doing here." Myka only says it because it is her only defence against Helena.
Helena just smiles a sad smile and says nothing. It's Claudia who seems more upset by the comment. "Myka please don't, just don't do this, not again."
"Again?" Myka asks.
"Nevermind." Claudia mumbles. "Just please, look at your own note, you wrote it, none of us have done anything to you, none of us are trying to hurt you, we are all trying to help you. And if you don't believe HG, believe me. I've never lied to you, have I?"
"Not as far as I can recall." Myka admits. "But then again I don't recall being pregnant with Pete's baby either."
"It's not Pete's baby." Helena tells her carefully.
"Helena!" Claudia gasps.
"Myka is right, she should know some of the things going on, you want me to be honest with you, I'm starting now. It's not Pete's baby." Helena tells her.
"Stop it, Just because Myka insulted you what, now you have to prove yourself how honest you are by telling her things she doesn't need to know? You know she doesn't mean it, she is manipulating you and you are letting her do it. She says that to you every single time, every single time she tries to guilt you into talking by calling you a liar, reminding you of the past, she it trying to distance herself and push you away, and you know she doesn't mean it, what the hell are you doing?"
"Excuse me, I'm manipulating her?" Myka asks incredulously as she struggles to sit up in the bed. "You people tell me that I've lost my memory, tell me ridiculous impossible things about a baby, about Pete, you wont answer my questions, Pete just runs away, you whisper about me behind my back, keep secrets from me, and I'M the one manipulating HER?" Myka asks.
"Calm down, it's alright." Helena tells her.
"Stop telling me to calm down, and start telling me what's going on." Myka insists forcefully.
"Well you started it now." Claudia remarks. "You tell her, go on."
"It's not Pete's baby?" Myka asks quietly.
Helena, for some reason has fallen silent, and Myka turns to Claudia.
"It's not Pete's baby." Claudia reluctantly confirms.
That makes more sense to Myka. It was a little bit easier to understand she was pregnant full stop, than she was pregnant with Pete's baby. But if not Pete, who? And why was she married to Pete?
"It's ok Claudia, you don't realise because you have all been deluded into this whatever it is, but there is no baby, so it doesn't matter, Pete's baby, Not-Pete's baby, there is no baby." Myka insists, "So you haven't upset me with that grand revelation. What I need you to tell me is what is going on. How did this happen? What kind of artifacts were we working on in the last case? I can figure this out. We can figure it out, we just need to push aside all this nonsense and put our heads together."
When Myka looks back to Claudia, sitting cross legged beside her on the bed, Claudia has tears in her eyes.
"Claudia?" Myka asks. "What's wrong?"
Claudia just shakes her head. "What's wrong? If you knew how many times this week we've had this conversation. How many time you insisted there is no baby. You're sitting right here next to me, your hands on your belly, you can feel the baby moving inside of you, don't tell me you can't feel it, because I know you can, and you look me in the eye and tell me there is no baby. And over and over again this happens, I'm sorry, I know it's not your fault, but I'm with Pete, I can't do this anymore."
"Claud. It's ok. Really. You don't understand, none of this is real, everything will be ok. I know it seems like there is a baby, I admit that. It's actually very creepy how real it feels. I'm not blind or delusional. I can see there is a baby, I can feel the baby, but this isn't real, Claudia. Come on this is a Warehouse thing, and I need you to help me work this out. Don't be upset, I'm sorry I snapped at you and Helena, You're right it wasn't fair of me. I just wanted to know what was going on. And we can work this out together. Claud? Please? Help me?"
"You know I would do anything for you." Claudia tells her as tears stream down her face.
"Then, please, Claudia, just tell me you believe me. Just open your mind for a moment, imagine the possibility that my reality is the real one. Please, believe in me." Myka pleads, with tears welling in her own eyes.
Claudia can't bring herself to answer, because she knows better. Because she has had this conversation with Myka dozens of times. More often than not Myka believed it was an artifact, and sometimes they played along with that, until she fell asleep and forgot all about it by the next time she woke up. As the pregnancy advanced it became more difficult. Especially because Myka was convinced every single time that it wasn't real. Why couldn't she wake up just once and believe them? It was getting tiresome. And upsetting. Myka was so adamant there was no baby, and several times had endangered her life and the baby's with crazy "escape" plans. That's when they had stopped playing along. And basically put Myka under house arrest.
But something was different about this time. Myka had never been this adamant that this wasn't real, she had never been this upset. She had never hurt Pete so badly, or so openly insulted Helena. It was a sign of desperation. And that's what she sees when she looks in Myka's eyes, desperation. She pulls Myka into a tight embrace and strokes Myka's hair. It's Claudia that cries her eyes out though, not Myka. She doesn't believe Myka, Myka knows it. But at least Claudia is sorry about not believing. That was a start. Myka could work with that. "I'm sorry." Claudia tells her, over and over.
"You don't believe me." Myka states as she pulls away from the embrace.
"It's not that I don't believe you Myka, it's just really complicated. You know, you said it yourself, the Warehouse does strange things. It's not easy to understand. You know I love you, you know Im trying to help you. I hope you know that. But please, humor me, and rest. Don't get upset about anything. Just rest. For the sake of the baby.
Myka has little choice in the matter, she is physically and emotionally exhausted, and while her mind can't stop thinking about escaping from this, her body has no energy to actually do anything about it. It probably wasn't such a bad idea to sleep for a bit, what would it hurt? She would think more clearly after she had slept.
"There is no baby." Myka insists. The icy venom in her voice sending chills down even her own spine. "I'm sorry Claudia." She softens her tone, but only for a brief second, then hardens it again. "I'm sorry I bothered asking you for help. I should have known you were utterly useless. And now what, I'm supposed to be stuck here in this fake whatever and comfort you? Wipe away your tears? I don't have time for this nonsense."
Claudia just nods, slightly bewildered, understanding exactly why Pete felt this time was different. It's not that Myka hadn't been angry all the other times, she had been. She had lashed out, at all of them, but this time was different. This time she was so angry. So passionate in her disbelief. And if Myka believed nothing was real then what was the harm in hurting everyone around her.
"Myka, please, I know this is really difficult, but please don't take it out on the people around you who are trying to help you. If we didn't care we wouldn't be here." Helena tells her. "I know this is all new for you, but believe me we have been here before, many times, and I know you're frustrated, and afraid, and I understand why you need to lash out at Pete, Claudia, me. And believe me, you don't remember, but over and over you've lashed out at every single one of us in every conceivable way. And we are all still here for you. So please, I implore you, can we just skip this part today?" Helena pleads.
Myka still doesn't believe this is real, nor that she has amnesia, nor that she has lived this day over and over. But there is a frightening realness to the flicker of pain in Claudia's eyes. Maybe this was some weird altered reality, but maybe the people were real, and maybe she should lay off. Because Helena is wrong. Pete left. And maybe if Myka isn't careful Claudia and Helena will leave too. Part of her wants it. But part of her is afraid. Because if Claudia is real, and Helena is real, and Pete with his broken hearted eyes is real, then what if the baby is real? Just...what if?
"So, who is it then?" Myka asks, turning back to Helena.
"Who is what?" Helena asks, momentarily disoriented.
"If it's not Pete, then who is the...father, of the...it." Myka manages to finish the awkward sentence.
"Why do you want to know that, Myka, if you don't believe it's real?" Helena asks her.
"So you're not going to tell me? Fine, you're right, It doesn't matter, this isn't real. I don't know what you've done, but I know you're all in on it together, and I will figure this out."
"The Warehouse." Claudia utters.
"You're the one who said we shouldn't tell her." Helena whispers back to Claudia.
"And YOU said we should tell her the truth, if we want her to believe this, any of it, she needs to know the truth. You were right, to tell her Pete wasn't the father. She asked you who the father was. She's never asked that, she's never asked anything about the baby before, because she didn't believe it. Not one single time has she ever asked a thing about the baby. But she asked you this time. She does believe it, that's what's so different." Claudia speaks in a rush of words.
"I still do NOT believe it." Myka insists. "And what do you mean 'The Warehouse.'? "Myka wants to know.
Claudia and Helena exchange glance. Finally Helena speaks. "I don't know what you know or what you believe deep in your heart, Myka, and I certainly understand your lack of trust in me..."
"Helena, i'm sorry, I didn't mean...Claudia was right I just wanted to get a reaction out of you, I'm sorry."
"It's ok." Helena cuts her off. "Please just do as Claudia said, and humor us. Just for a moment pretend there is a baby. And listen to me. Your blood pressure is very high, and it is important that you stay calm, and rest. Important for you and the baby. I know on some level you understand that. So please understand that Pete and Claudia and I are not trying to hurt you or manipulate you in any way. We don't want to say anything to cause you to become upset. But I see now that saying nothing is causing more distress."
"Yes." Myka acknowledges. "It is."
"It's a long story, that I don't fully understand. But I will tell you what I know. The father isn't Pete. Not technically. But that doesn't for a minute take away from the fact that Pete loves you deeply, I think you know that, too. But technically, the baby's father is, well, The Warehouse." Helena explains.
"The Warehouse?" Myka repeats. "A building? Is the father of my baby? Now I KNOW this isn't real." She states
"The Warehouse is more than a building, I think you know that." Helena reminds her.
"Just for a moment, if I believed any of this, why would the Warehouse want to impregnate me?" Myka asks. "Not that I'm bothered, truthfully this is the least distressing thing you've told me so far." Myka admits.
"The Warehouse, one day, will need a new caretaker." Helena says.
"That's why we have Claudia." Myka answers, and looks back to Claudia still sitting on the bed beside her.
Claudia looks away, refusing to meet Myka's gaze. "Claud?" Myka asks. "I'm really sorry I snapped at you. And all the other times I don't remember what I said, but I am sorry, and Helena is right, It's not fair, none of this is your fault. Not that I know of at least."
"It's a really long story." Claudia finally tells. "But a thing kind of happened, I mean I did a thing, and well yeah. Not future caretaker anymore."Claudia tries to hide her disappointment, but Myka can see through it. "But other than being fired as caretaker, I have nothing to do with the rest of the baby making whatever thing."
Myka reaches across gently stroking Claudia's cheek, feeling the need to comfort her, especially after she had snapped at her before. "I'm sure what ever happened can be worked out. Tell me about it, I will talk to Artie. It's probably not as bad as it seems."
Claudia laughs then, through her tears. "Oh my god, you are totally missing the point of the story. Yes, very sad, poor poor me, I'm not the future caretaker anymore. Point is, the baby is the future caretaker. Your baby."
"I don't think the Warehouse can really do that, Claud." Myka tells her.
"Then, tell me, where do you think the baby came from?"
"OK." Myka says thinking aloud. "I take that back, the Warehouse DID do this, but it didn't impregnate me and make me marry Pete, This is some sort of weird artifact thing, it can be reversed, things will go back to normal, you will get your caretaker title back."
"I don't care about the title." Claudia insists. "Ok I care a little, but that's not what matters right now. It just matters that you and the baby are ok, and then Vanessa and Artie will find a way to get your memories back. Until then, you just have to take it easy, don't worry about any of it. Anyway if you're right and its an artifact thing, then it will be put right somehow, but if you think there is the slightest tiniest chance that you're wrong, and that this is real, that baby is real, then you have to take it easy. Vanessa was really worried about your blood pressure, and she said you should be on bed rest. And if there is any chance the baby is real then you have to do everything you can to make sure it is ok. Warehouse freakish accident or not, it's not the baby's fault. Even if this isn't the real reality well you're here and you're real, I'm here, Helena is here, we are real. Maybe just maybe the baby is real." Claudia says.
Myka thinks it over. Scary as it was to admit, Claudia was right. In her present physical condition she could do little to reverse this altered reality, maybe Artie and Vanessa were working on it right now, setting things right. And on the one in a billion chance this was real, or worse that this was fake-but-irreversible, then there could be a real baby inside of her. And, no, she wouldn't want to jeopardise that. She was not at all pleased with this supposed life of hers, but no she wasn't a baby killer. She didn't ask for this, but if there was a baby, by whatever freakish accident, artifact, whatever, then of course she would take care of it.
The color drains from her face, as reality- or unreality- sinks in. If she really was pregnant, if there really was a baby, she had no idea what to do with a baby. "When is the..." Myka trails off, then takes a deep breath "When is this imaginary baby supposed to be born?" She asks, making herself feel much better hiding behind the word 'imaginary'.
"Don't worry about that now, you have enough to think about." Claudia assures her.
"You try to convince me there is a real baby, and you wont tell me anything about it?"
"A week, maybe two." Helena explains.
"Oh no, I can't have a baby in a week, even two. I don't know anything about babies, I don't know what to do with a baby, I dont have anything ready for a baby." Myka insists.
"The nursery is stocked with everything a baby could need." Helena replies.
"The nursery?" Myka asks in a shaky voice, feeling faint and this scenario grew more real by the second.
"Stop it Helena, you're just scaring her." Claudia warns.
"No, don't stop." Myka protests.
"You picked out most of the things, but we also had a baby shower." Claudia adds.
Myka can still make no sense of this. "I don't know how to ….give birth to a baby." Myka tells them. "I can't do that, I don't know the first thing about it."
"You don't need to know anything, your body will know what to do when the time comes, you don't have any real say over that. Besides I know what to do , I survived. It isn't that bad, it's actually the best experience of my life, and we will all be here for you. You aren't alone, you will never be alone .
"I feel alone." Myka utters as a single tear slides down her face. "How can I not feel alone? I'm the only one here who knows this isn't right, this isn't real. No one believes me, not one of you, no one will help me set things right?"
"I'm so sorry you feel that way. Its the last thing I want you to feel." Helena tells her. "And we made mistakes along the way, we didn't know what to say to you, we all tried our best. But there is nothing to set right, Myka. This is right. This is real. And you aren't alone, no matter how much you feel that way. It simply isn't true."
Myka nods, but she doesn't believe it.
"Claudia, will you leave us? I need to talk to Myka alone." Helena asks softly.
Claudia hesitates for a moment, exchanges a glance with Helena, then hugs Myka one last time, whispers to her "You aren't alone Myka please don't think that. I love you."
"I love you too Claud." Myka replies, out of habit more than anything, because she isn't certain this Claudia is even real.
