Chapter 4
"Why did you do that? Ask Claudia to leave us alone?" Myka asks.
Helena moves from her chair over to where Claudia had been sitting on the bed next to Myka, Necessitating Myka to turn over and face the other way in order to look at her.
"I want to tell you something." Helena says seriously, as she lays semi reclined resting her head on the head rest, exactly mirroring Myka and looking her straight in the eyes.
"Go on." Myka prompts her.
"I believe you." Helena whispers.
"What?" Myka asks, as she jumps in excitement, sitting upright. "Why didn't you say something? We have to..."
"Shhh." Helena interrupts. "I don't want anyone to hear. They wouldn't let me speak to you if they knew."
Myka nods.
Helens too sits upright, only inches from Myka, but very deliberately does not touch her. "I believe you Myka, I don't feel like "this" is real. But I also know what Pete and Claudia feel. I have those memories they have, and I understand why they don't believe. And I have no idea what this is."
"What did I do to you?" Myka asks, unable to meet Helena in the eyes.
"What do you mean?"
"What did I do to you that I don't remember, that keeps you at such a distance. Obviously I have forgotten something. Because when you burst into the room, Pete's room, and there I was in bed with him, wearing his ring, pregnant with some-buildings baby, you just looked at me like that was where I belonged. And I was waiting, for you to take me in your arms and tell me this is all a big mistake, this is all a nightmare, this is all some artifact and none of it is real. But you didn't. You just looked at me like everything was as it is supposed to be." Myka still can't look at the other woman.
"Myka..." Helena stutters, fighting back tears. "You have to understand. In my mind, you are married to Pete, in my mind you chose him. I respected that choice. That's the reality as I remember it. It wasn't a shock to see you tonight, with Pete. Because you've been with Pete for nearly a year now. I have had an abundance of time to get used to it. No, I wasn't thrilled, but I thought you were happy. I thought I was doing what you wanted, backing off. I knew Pete cared about you. That's what my memory tells me." Helena explained.
Myka believes her too, can see it in her eyes, the discomfort, the jealousy. "I see." Is all she can say. She can't very well apologise for marrying Pete, getting pregnant, she doesn't remember it, she didn't do it!
"You look so beautiful." Helena continues, in a soft whisper. "So amazingly beautiful and you don't even realise. This should be such a joyful time, and yet every time you wake up you are so distressed, and you are missing out on the joy of something beautiful. Something frightening but beautiful. I want that for you, I want you to know that joy."
"You are talking like this is real, this isn't real."
"To my memory, this is what happened." Helena tells her.
"It's very nice that you want me to have a baby, but don't I get some say in this?" Myka wants to know.
"I believe the Warehouse has spoken, through whatever this is. Maybe this isn't real, but maybe the baby is. And if that's the case, what's the harm in waiting a couple of weeks, until the baby is born, then if you still want to, I will help you in any way I can. But I need you and the baby to be ok. And maybe this is somehow meant to happen."
"You don't believe me at all." Myka says coldly, as she manages to get to her feet.
Helena too stands to her feet. "I believe that you believe it, Myka."
"There is no baby!" Myka insists. "I am not married to Pete, I did not do that, I would not do that to you, to him. I am not pregnant, especially not pregnant from a building, this isn't real, this is not right, and I really thought you believed me. There is no baby, I will prove it to you."
Myka reaches to the bedside table where she had conveniently left a letter opener. She raises the blade above her stomach.
Helena lunges towards her, but Myka stops her. "Don't move, or I will kill this imaginary baby." She threatens.
"Ok, ok, just calm down, take a breath." Helena tells her.
Myka laughs, "You really do believe this is a baby?" Myka asks her.
"Myka, it is a baby. This is real. I'm sorry that you're unhappy. And I'm sorry that you don't remember it. I'm sorry you feel alone. But this is real."
"Why did you lie to me? You told me you believed me." Myka states.
"I wanted you to feel like someone was on your side." Helena answers, tears in her eyes. "I shouldn't have lied to you, I didn't know what to do, I just wanted you to feel like you weren't alone."
"You wanted me to feel like I wasn't alone? But you wont touch me, you barely look at me."
"That isn't true."
"You don't look at me the way you used to, you don't touch me the way you used to."
"Myka, I never stopped loving you."
"No more lies." Myka insists, still grasping the letter opened so tightly her knuckles have turned white.
"No more lies. I always loved you, Myka. This is real. You married Pete. And I had to learn how to look at you differently. Please, give me that letter opener?"
"Why?"
"Because I don't want you to hurt yourself or the baby."
"There is no baby."
"There is, Myka, you know there is. And it scares you. So much so that you want to stab yourself just to prove to me there is no baby. But you can't do it, I know you can't, because deep down you know this is real, you know there is a baby depending on you."
"Did it ever occur to you, even once, that the reason I find this so unbelievable, the reason that apparantly I've told you many many times I don't believe this, is because I know it could never happen. I could never marry Pete. I don't love Pete. Not like that. I love you, only you , always you. I could never marry someone else. I would never have someone else's baby. Never. Why don't you see that?" Myka asks through tears of desperation, as she shakily drops the letter opener to the floor.
Helena steps forward and pulls Myka into a tight embrace "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I should have fought for you, I should have said something , done something, Myka I swear to you I thought you wanted Pete, a family, I thought you wanted it. I never stopped loving you."
"Don't you see?" Myka says, as she pulls away. "This isn't real, I would never do this to you, to us, please Helena, you have to believe that."
"I don't know what to believe Myka, we all know the Warehouse acts in mysterious ways. And the fact is a year has gone by that you don't remember." Helena cautions her.
"Maybe it hasn't, maybe it's your memory that is wrong." Myka insists. "Why would you even consider that?" Myka pleads.
"Because it was too painful for me to think about. I thought I'd lost you to Pete, I thought it was what you wanted, I had to step back and let you live your life, I couldnt afford to let myself believe in anything else."
Myka leans forward to kiss Helena, but Helena pulls away.
"Please, please don't pull away from me." Myka begs, and it's almost irresistable.
"Myka, you are married to Pete, this isn't right." Helena tries to explain.
"I am not married to Pete!" Myka insists again, pushing Helena aside. "Why won't you believe me?"
"It's not that I don't believe you, but everyone, including Pete, believes you are married to him. If this is some artifact thing there is a lot to straighten out." Helena tells her.
"But you still don't believe me?" Myka asks, dejected.
"Myka it's hard for me not to believe in the life I've lived the past 12 months. 12 of the most painful months of my life as I had to let you go."
"It's hard for me not to believe in this, in all of this" Myka points to her belly, "But I know this is wrong, I know I didn't marry Pete. What else aren't you telling me?"
"Lots of things probably, if I have memories of a whole year that you don't remember, then there are probably lots of things you don't know. But those things aren't important now. Only you are important, that's all that matters to me."
"Me?" Myka asks, "Or me and the baby."
"Both of you." Helena whispers, even though she knows it is the wrong answer. "But if I had to choose, then you."
"And all this time you just watched me with Pete?" Myka asks.
"You told me you loved him, Myka, I believed you." Helena tries not to sound to defensive in her answers.
"And you and I just stopped..."
"I respected your wedding vows." Helena told her.
"I never made vows." Myka asserts.
"You don't remember them, but I do."
"We can't keep living in this place, this isn't real Helena."
"Assuming you were right, what could we do about it?" Helena asks, genuinly curious.
"I don't know." Myka admits tiredly.
"Whatever has happened, or will happen, the most important thing is we have each other." Helena tells her. "I promise I won't let you go again."
"This is such a mess." Myka says.
"There isn't anything we can do right now, you really need to get some rest, I know you are sick of me saying it, and you don't believe this is real, but you are tired, aren't you?"
Myka can't deny it. She has never been more tired in her life.
"Please, get some rest."
"Why? So I will wake up? Not remember any of this? Insult you all again tomorrow? Find myself in Pete's bed in the morning?" Myka asks.
"If you don't want to be in Pete's bed then I promise you that you wont be. Even Pete understands that you don't remember. No one wants to force you to do anything that you don't want to."
"You want me to go to sleep, so you don't have to deal with me anymore." Myka accuses.
"Myka, that isn't true. I want you to fall asleep because I love you, I want you to rest so you are ok, I want to see peace on your face, and the only time I see it is when you are alseep. There is so much haunting you and I want that all to go away for a little while. I want to hold you in my arms and make you feel safe, I want you to trust me when I tell you that I will be with you, tomorrow, forever, if that's what you want."
"What if I wake up tomorrow and I don't remember this?"
"I will remind you, if that's what you want."
"Of course it's what I want!" Myka insists. "You know I love you, please tell me you know that."
"I know." Helena breathes out in a deep sigh.
"Then promise me you will be here tomorrow, promise you will tell me all this again if I forget, promise me you won't let me go back to Pete."
"I promise you Myka, if you don't remember this conversation tomorrow I will recite it to you, and if you don't want to go back to Pete then no one will force you. Please trust me to look after you. I know I haven't done a good job. I honestly believed you were where you belonged and that you were safe and happy. But now that I know you feel otherwise, I promise you I won't let you go again. I will take care of you, please, trust me. It's asking a lot, but I promise you I will take care of you. Whatever happens."
Myka nods in acknowledgement. "Will you stay with me, while I fall asleep."
"Of course." Helena assures her.
Helena feels slightly guilty as she lays by Myka's side, holding her tightly. One arm protectively around Myka and the other resting on her belly. They aren't doing anything wrong exactly. It is intimate, because they have a history, their bodies are familiar with each other, comfortable, but its not really sexual. They are both fully clothed for one thing. So Helena tells herself its ok that she is lying here with a married woman. Its ok that she is lying here with Myka, who has lost a whole year of her memory on top of being disoriented and overwhelmed and afraid, and maybe Myka doesn't really love her after all, Maybe Helena is taking advantage. But Helena pushes all that aside. Because she has waited to long for this, to hold Myka close, to tell her she loved her. She thought her chance was over. And now this. Of course she won't refuse it, especially when Myka needs her so badly.
Part of Helena wants it to be true, that this is all some weird Warehouse thing and the last 12 months never happened. It's not that far fetched really. But, even though Myka was married to Pete, Helena loved her still, and loved that baby. Already she had grown attached to Myka's baby. How could she not love Myka's baby? She can understand that Myka is afraid and confused and it doesn't make sense to her, and she meant it when she said she would choose Myka over the baby if she had to. But Helena hopes she never has to choose, because already that baby had won her heart. Truthfully all of them had fallen in love with that baby, feeling sorry for it that it's mother didn't remember it, denied it existed. But Helena can imagine nothing happier than her, Myka and a baby. The perfect little family. Maybe it was all in her head. Maybe Myka would wake up tomorrow in love with Pete. Maybe Myka was right and this is all not real? Helena had no control over any of that. All she had control of was this one moment, with Myka in her arms, and her only job was to take all of Myka's fears and worries away for just this one night.
"Maybe you won't have any more amnesia episodes?" Helena speaks finally.
"What makes you say that?" Myka asks.
"This time is different, Pete and Claudia are right about that. Something about this time is different."
"Maybe because the other 'times' are false memories in your head, and this is the only time it has actually happened, because none of this is real."Myka tells her sleepily.
"Perhaps, my love." Helena replies. "I hope, for your sake, you are right."
"But you want this to be real, don't you?" Myka asks.
"I understand it's not real to you, but it's been real to me for months, the baby. I can picture how it will look like you, and what it will grow up like." Helena tells her.
"No, Helena. I don't want a baby. I'm not like you, I never wanted a baby. If you want another baby I totally support that, but I didn't ask for this." Myka tries to explain. "We have to stop this before it's too late."
"Would it be the worst thing?" Helena asks "To have a baby?"
"Not the worst thing, no. But I didn't plan this, I don't know how to do this. I don't want to."
"I'm not trying to upset you, Myka, I just want you to be prepared. Maybe you are right and none of this is real. But you have to admit the possibility you are wrong. And if that's the case you have to get used to the idea of having a baby. You told me not to lie to you, I don't want you to be deluded into some false sense of comfort and then have it come as a total shock to you when the baby comes. You have to be prepared, even if you feel this is caused by an artifact, if we can't reverse it, then very very soon you are going to have a baby. " Helena says as gently as she is able to.
"And to think for a moment I wondered how you could ever love me, married to someone else and pregnant. But you want this baby, don't you?"
"It doesn't matter what I want, I will stand by you whatever happens. You don't have to be Pete's wife, if you don't want to. But you are going to have a baby. If you don't want to keep it, that's your decision, and I can understand if you don't remember it's hard for you to accept that it is real, but there is going to be a baby. Soon. No matter how you try to deny it. I just want you to prepare yourself."
"Ok." Myka says. Thankful that someone at last wasn't walking on eggshells and was telling her the truth. And truth is, whatever this is, it might not be fixed before this...warehouse baby.. or whatever it is, is here.
"And you still love me even though I "married" Pete?" Myka asks.
"Unquestionably." Helena tells her.
"And if I didn't want to keep this imaginary baby, you would love me still?"
"I would love you still, as much as ever. I would be very sad for you, because I think that would be a mistake, that you would regret it, and you would be missing out on so much. But I wouldn't stop loving you., I couldn't, and I will be by your side, if that's what you want, no matter what happens. You are the most important thing to me, Myka. The only thing that matters. And believe in this or not, Vanessa says your blood pressure is high, for your sake if not for the baby's you have to get some rest and take it easy. But you have to prepare yourself you ARE going to have a baby. You need to come to terms with that before it happens. At least acknowledge that it might happen."
"I can't think about it, I am afraid." Myka admits.
"I know you are afraid, but I know you are courageous, and you can do anything you set your mind to. But you have to accept that this might happen. And I will be by your side every step of the way. I promise you that."
Helena pulls Myka closer and she can literally feel the tension drain away, her muscles relaxing, her breathing evening out. It's not easy for Helena to keep her hands to herself, with Myka so beautiful so radiant so needy. It's powerful, and mesmerising, to be able to touch someone and take away all the bad feeling that hours of talking couldn't even touch. But Helena does behave herself. She isn't entirely convinced Myka is in her right mind, though she dare not say that aloud.
They aren't doing anything wrong , it's true, Helena is just holding her friend, her very scared and confused friend, they aren't kissing, or touching, or anything , but still she feels dirty, and guilty, and like Pete will walk in at any minute.
"Get some sleep." Helena whispers in Myka's ear after the longest silence. After Myka had stopped fighting her about reality and fantasy, after she had finally given in and let Helena comfort her, physically if not with words.
"And in this ...world..you don't forget things right, only me?" Myka asks sleepily, punctuating it with a yawn.
"Correct. Only you." Helena confirms.
"So you won't forget that you love me?" Myka asks.
"I couldn't if I wanted to." Helena answers honestly.
"I couldn't either, Helena, that's how I know I didn't marry Pete, this isn't real." Myka insists.
"Ok" Helena concedes. There was no point continuing round and round in circles. "Get some sleep, my love. We will sort it all out tomorrow."
"I do love you, Helena." Myka utters.
"I love you too, my darling. And everything will be fine, you'll see." Helena tells her as she gently kisses the top of her head.
Myka couldn't fight it much longer even if she wanted to. Safe in Helena's familiar embrace, Myka finally lets go of everything haunting her, closes her eyes, and drifts off to sleep, secure in the belief that Helena won't let anything bad happen to her.
