LMAO! I don't know which reviews I like more! I get three types!

3) um...okay, weird, but keep going

2) lol, that was so funny, i like it

1) ROTFLMFAO!! I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IN THE WORLD IS GOING ON BUT PLEASE DON'T STOP!

I think I like that one best

some major sakura bashing in this chap, be forewarned.

other than that, enjoy and continue to be completely clueless! it amuses me

and yes, I got the chapter name from the show, because it is frikin hilarious

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Chapter 3: The Office

Naruto groaned and slowly blinked the sleep away from his eyes. He yawned and sat up on his bed, fisting his eyelids and swinging his legs over so his feet touched the floor. He stood up and glanced at his clock, "...Nine forty five."

Couple of seconds pass.

Naruto slitted his eyes, "Don't...I have somewhere to be?"

Couple more.

Eyes widen, "Shit! I'm late!" he blurted out before stumbling to his dresser and yanking out a pair of pants and a white, button down shirt.

"Shit shit shit shit shit!" in his haste, he accidentally bumped into the edge of his dresser while pulling on his pants, resulting in a sharp pain that ran around his torso, "OW!" he bent over and looked at his side, finding five finger-sized bruises. Raising a brow, he inspected his other side, seeing the same problem, "That son of a bitch!" he yelled.

Naruto quickly finished with his pants and buttoned up the shirt, leaving the top two open. He finger-combed his hair and went into the bathroom, squirting toothpaste on his forefinger and shoving in his mouth. He stalked out of the room, brushing his teeth furiously, and found Sasuke drinking a glass of orange juice in the kitchen.

Sasuke looked at him, "...New toothbrush?"

"Shut the fuck up!" he gurgled and pulled the finger out of his mouth, spitting the toothpaste in the sink and rinsing his mouth before washing his finger and wiping it on his pants.

Sasuke laughed, "It's hard to take you seriously with foam all over your mouth."

Naruto whirled around and pointed a shaky finger at him, "I have to go to work, but you can damn well bet I'll get on your ass later about these bruises you left on me!"

Sasuke blinked, "Bruises?"

"Yes, bruises." he lifted the tail of his shirt to show him the marks.

Sasuke seemed unsurprised by them, "Huh...well, I told you I got overexcited. My strength must've slipped out by accident, sorry."

"SORRY?! This isn't something you just APOLOGIZE for! Apologizing is for when you step on a cat's tail without seeing it! Apologizing is when you ask a woman when the baby's due and it turns out that she's just fat!" he growled and stomped to the door, snatching his keys off the table, "I don't have time for this right now, watch TV or something until I get back." he slammed the door on his way out.

xxxSmutxxx

Naruto hastily parked his car and got out. Running as fast as his legs would carry him to the front door of the office building. He walked in and quickly greeted the receptionist before insistently pressing on the up button for the elevator, "C'mon c'mon c'mon!"

Yeah right. As if that ever works.

Ten minutes later, the arrival bell dinged and Naruto stepped out of the metal doors. His head snapped from left to right until he caught sight of who he was looking for and quickly ran up to him.

The brunette glanced up, "Hey man, where've you been? You're over an hour late."

Naruto bent over and rested his hands on his knees, panting softly, "I-I know, Kiba I am so sorry--"

"Dude, it's okay, not like you haven't been late before. Shit, even I was late today."

"Well you're the boss, it doesn't matter whether you're late or not. I just don't like it 'cuz I don't want you to think I'm taking advantage of you."

Kiba waved a hand dismissively, "Naw man, I know you wouldn't do that. If you're late I know you have a good reason--"

"Oh I have a damn good reason for why I'm late! Kiba you wouldn't BELIEVE the kind of night had! It was like the fucking ninth ring of hell I swear!"

"Sounds like an interesting night."

Both men looked up at the dark-haired girl that walked up to them.

Naruto smiled, "Hey Lina."

"What happened?"

The blonde tipped back his head and raked his fingers through his hair, "Jesus where do I start?"

Lina smirked, "Well the beginning might be a good place."

"Oh I'm really not in the mood for your smart ass comments today if you don't mind."

"Story Naruto." Kiba muttered.

"Right, right. Well it started with Etsu, Malakai and Brice. Those damn assholes, they came to my house" he scoffed here, "and knocked me out, drove me to the middle of frikin NOWHERE off the highway and tied me up to a fucking TREE."

Kiba blanched and Lina began laughing uncontrollably, "They did what?!"

"Oh and it just gets fucking terrific from there. They LEFT me so some animal or whatever could eat me, but then this other guy showed up and cut me down. The only problem was, the guy was a complete and TOTAL bastard. Then we got a ride from some drunk named Nai, and I had my ass hanging out the whole way out the window!"

Lina couldn't stop her fit of giggles. She reached up and grabbed Naruto's arm, "Jesus, then what? Then what?"

Naruto rolled his eyes, "You sadistic bitch. Anyway, the guy's name was Sasuke, and he was weird. And I mean REALLY weird. He has like, super human speed and he's really creepy, and he molested my stomach."

Kiba chuckled and placed a hand on Naruto's shoulder, "Naruto, you know drugs are bad for you, right?"

Lina snapped at him, "You have drugs and you didn't share?"

"No!" he shoved both of them off, "I'm NOT making this up! I swear! We even made a deal, that if he got me down from the tree he could stay at my house for a while. And he CUT me down, but he didn't have a knife or anything! I know! I SEARCHED him...sort of..."

Both of his friends suddenly went solemn.

He raised a brow, "What?"

Lina stared at him, "You let a complete stranger stay at your house?"

"Yeah."

"And he's still there?" Kiba asked.

"Yeah."

"By himself?"

"I don't see where we're going with this."

Lina scowled and grabbed Naruto's forearms, "Listen to me you damn moron. YOU LEFT A COMPLETE AND TOTAL STRANGER ALL ALONE IN YOUR GINORMOUS HOUSE THAT IS FILLED WITH YOUR PERSONAL BELONGINGS. Clear enough for you?"

Naruto's eyes widened, "Oh shit!"

"Yeah! You better go GET your shit before he takes it!"

Kiba pointed to the elevator, "Run Naruto! Run! Go get that guy out of your house!"

"But I made a deal with him! I can't kick him out!"

"Well bring him here! I don't care! Just go stop him from stealing your shit!"

"But what about--"

"GO!!"

"But--"

Lina threw her arms up, "What the hell do want us to do?! Shoot a fucking gun for you?!" she pressed the down button on the elevator and shoved him inside, "We said GO!"

Naruto watched as the doors closed on his friends, and when they opened again, he hauled himself out of the elevator and dashed to his car.

A few minutes and one speeding ticket later, Naruto parked into his driveway and got out of the car, not even bothering to shut the door as he ran to his front door and shoved the key in, slamming the wood open, "DROP MY SHIT!"

Sasuke flinched and dropped the remote in his hand, holding them up in surrender, "Sorry, damn, I'll get up and change the channel next time."

Naruto raised a brow and shut the door, stalking up to Sasuke before averting his gaze to the television, where a little hispanic girl was enthusiastically walking down a strip of land with a monkey, "What the hell are you doing?"

Sasuke looked at him strangely, "You said I could watch TV, didn't you?"

"Why the hell are you watching, " he glanced at the TV, then back at Sasuke, "Dora the Explorer?"

"Well I was watching...um...what was that show?" he looked and down and snapped his fingers a few times before pointing at Naruto, "Blue's Clues, that's what it was, Blue's Clues. And I gotta tell you, I thought you were stupid, but that guy, Steve, Jesus Christ. He kept asking me where the goddamn clues were, and they were right behind him every time. And now this girl here, she can't find shit without my help. And she has a fucking map...and it talks."

Naruto rolled his eyes and snatched the remote off the couch, "You don't get out much do you?" he turned off the television.

"Hey! Oswald was coming on!"

"And what?"

"It looked like a show about talking animals, they probably need help finding obvious shit too."

"I have every frikin channel you can think of, including porn, and what the hell are you watching? Nick junior." he tossed the remote on the couch.

Sasuke sat back with an amused expression, "You have porn? What for?"

Naruto blushed, "It's not like I watch it! It came with the package!"

"With the package that included Nick junior."

His blush deepened, "Look, I'm not even into to women--"

"Porn doesn't just have women."

"OKAY! Enough about porn!" he pointed to Sasuke, "Get up, you're coming to work with me!"

"Why?"

"Because I don't know you and I'm paranoid about you stealing my things!"

Sasuke tilted his head and stood up, looking down at the other with a smile, "I would never take your things Naruto."

It shouldn't have been, but for some reason his blush just kept going deeper and deeper, "You wouldn't?"

Sasuke chuckled and wrapped his fingers around the other's shoulders, pulling him close enough for his lips to brush a tan ear, "Of course not...you have nothing worth taking."

Naruto's expression suddenly fell and he wrenched away from Sasuke's hold, "You asshole! I have plenty stuff people would be happy to steal!"

"Well not me." he walked past the blonde to the door, but not before purposely brushing his hand along Naruto's stomach with a smirk, "Nothing material anyway."

Naruto paused, and wasn't able to speak until Sasuke walked out the door to the car, "Stop touching me!" he yelled to the empty house.

xxxSmutxxx

Sasuke and Naruto both stepped from the elevator to find Kiba tapping a foot impatiently on the floor, "FINALLY!" he bellowed.

"Sorry Kiba, he didn't steal shit because he couldn't tear his eyes away from educational programming."

Kiba eyed Sasuke warily, "So, Naruto says you have super powers."

Sasuke raised a brow and slowly looked at the blonde.

Naruto laughed nervously, "Well--uh, you know, the way you're always popping out in front of me without me even noticing."

Sasuke smiled, "Silly idiot, that 's just because you're slow and stupid."

"Fuck you!"

"Where and when?"

"AGH!" he snapped to Kiba, "He's fucking impossible."

"I don't know." he smiled, "I kinda like him, he's smart."

"K-Kiba! Who the hell's side are you on?! A minute ago you and Lina were--hey...where is Lina?"

"Oh I sent her to look for Sakura, I have something to talk to her about."

Naruto's eyes bulged with disbelief, "You sent LINA to look for her? Kiba what is WRONG with you?! They can't stay within two inches of each other without Lina doing something horrible to her!"

"Actually, after I told her what I wanted Sakura for, Lina was really enthusiastic about going to get her."

Sasuke glanced at Naruto, "Who is this Lina person?"

Naruto nodded, "An intern, and Kiba here is the boss of this floor. Neji is head honcho."

"Ahhh, the rich one."

"Yes...the rich one."

Kiba slowly lifted a brow and turned his head when he heard someone call out to him from behind.

"Kiba! I found her!"

The brunette smiled as Lina and a pink haired woman, Sakura, casually approached him, "Ah, Sakura, I was looking for you."

"Yeah, and here I am."

"I have some good news for you."

Sakura beamed, "You do?"

"Yeah, you're--"

"EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH!" Lina yelled out.

Sakura abruptly blanched and snapped her head to Lina, then back at Kiba, "I'm WHAT?!"

"Yup."

"B-but I--I can't be!"

Sasuke gave Naruto, who was snickering slightly, a questioning look, "Isn't that a good thing?"

Naruto scoffed through a snort of laughter, "Pft, being employee of the month means you've got nothing better to do than spend all your time at work. It's basically a ceremony to dub you a loser in society cuz' you don't have a life."

Kiba nudged him, "It's not THAT bad!" he looked at Sakura, "You get to get off work early tomorrow!"

Sakura stared at him, "Tomorrow's Saturday."

"Oh...well, you get a parking space right next to mine! And that's right in front of the building!"

"I take the bus!"

"Oh--um...geez...you get a free pizza, it's in the cafeteria."

"I'M ON A LOW CARB DIET!"

Lina was almost to the point of tears from laughter, "Don't worry Sakura, all that cellulite on your legs will cover up any more fat you gain!"

Sakura's jaw dropped, "I am not fat!"

Lina shrugged, "Whatever you want to believe."

Kiba tapped his chin, "So...does that mean you don't want the pizza?"

"Did you not HEAR what I said?!"

He nodded, "So that's a definite no, right?"

"Are you even listening to me?!"

"Would you mind if I ate it?"

Tears touched her eyes, "You're so hurtful!" (lol, Moody's Point) and she spun around to run away crying.

Lina held her stomach with a smile, "Well, that was the highlight of my day."

Kiba glanced at her, "So she DOESN'T want the pizza, right?"

The dark haired girl shook her head and straightened up, catching sight of Naruto and Sasuke for the first time, "Oh, hey you, I didn't know you were back. Who's the hottie?"

"This is Sasuke, the magic man."

"Oh, so you're the stranger he let in his house."

Sasuke shrugged, "I suppose that's true."

"Are you aware that the back of your head looks like a chicken ass?"

Sasuke's face crossed an offended look and Naruto shook his head and glanced at him, "She's...pretty blunt, don't worry you get used to it."

Lina rolled her brown eyes, "Don't be such a pussy, it's true, just look at that shit back there. But don't worry, I didn't say it looks bad."

Sasuke scoffed, "Oh and that does make me feel so much better."

"Oooooh, he's sarcastic, I like it. C'mon, let's all get to know each other." she directed them to a round table and sat down.

"Are you kidding me?" Kiba huffed, "There's a pizza in the caf' with my name on it."

Lina ignored him and yanked at his sleeve to pull him down into a seat, watching as Naruto and Sasuke took two chairs of their own.

"So, Sasuke, right?" she folded her arms on the table, "Tell me, are you gay?"

Sasuke flinched and naruto went pale, "Sorry...what?"

"You know, gay, like in fucking dudes."

"That's my business."

"Well, you know, I just wanted to ask because you pretty much forced yourself on Naruto by making him put you in his house. You could just be a rapist, he even said you molested his stomach."

The dark man gave Naruto a quick look, but his head was turned away with a deep blush. He smirked, "Naruto has something I badly need, and he is the only one that can provide it. But believe me, it isn't his sexual services."

"Hey man! Don't talk about me right in front of my face like I'm some kind of whore!"

Lina raised a hand, "Shut up Naruto, the smart people are talking."

"Hey! Just what are you trying to say Lina?!"

"I think you know exactly what I'm trying to say."

"I...you're calling me stupid aren't you!"

"I don't know, am I?"

"I'm not...you did!"

"Did I call you stupid?"

"No...but...I...you--stop trying to confuse me!"

"Did you ever stop to think that maybe you're the one trying to confuse yourself?"

"You didn't...I'm not...AGH!!"

Lina smirked, "Well while you ponder that." she turned her attention back to Sasuke, "If you're so 'straight', tell me, would you ever do Sakura?"

"Who?"

"The pink hoe that just ran away like a crying little bitch."

"No, I wouldn't."

"What about you Kiba?"

"You kept me away from a pizza for this crap?"

"Just answer the question before I castrate you."

Kiba's hands automatically flew over his crotch, "I wouldn't do her if you paid me too."

"I know, right? She's gross, it's like, can you imagine if the curtains match the carpet(1)? Ew."

Naruto cringed, "Oh God, the mental image is stuck!"

Kiba shrugged, "Wouldn't she shave it? You guys do that right? Shave down there?"

Lina crossed her arms, "I personally don't give a damn whether or not she decides to shave her vagigi."

Naruto's eyes widened, "Her WHAT?"

"What the hell is that?"

"Well vagina is such an ugly word, it's completely cacophonic."

"Cacowhatta?"

"Shut up Naruto, it means it sounds bad. Vagigi makes it sound nicer, or vajayjay."

Sasuke felt a bit of heat creep up his neck, 'This is a very uncomfortable conversation.'

Lina leaned back in her chair, "I'll bet a man named it that, just to be an ass. But that's okay because we got you guys back, penis is an ugly word too."

Naruto spread out his palms, "I really think we need to change the topic."

"Men are just scared because women are the superior race!" she stood up, "You're all afraid!" and suddenly she grabbed a helpless pregnant worker that was passing by and pointed to her stomach, then looked straight at Sasuke, "Behold the power of the almighty uterus!"

Sasuke looked extremely uncomfortable, "I'm not--"

"BEHOLD IT!"

Kiba elbowed him and whispered, "She's crazy man, you better do what she says."

"LOOK AT IT!"

"I'm looking!"

The woman was struggling to get away until Naruto stood up and pried Lina off of her, offering an apologetic look.

"If it weren't for us you all wouldn't be here! WE'RE the ones who have to shove mattresses between our legs every month or shove cotton sticks up there!"

"You know what Lina? I think I heard Sakura tripping down the stairs, why don't you go check that out?"

Lina snapped to him, "And you're telling me this NOW?!" she ran down the hallway towards the staircase.

Kiba snickered, "Hehehehe, pizza time." and he quietly snuck away to the cafeteria.

Naruto slumped and let out a sigh of relief, putting a hand to his forehead and glancing at Sasuke, "Just pray that you never meet any of her friends."

But Sasuke could say nothing...thank God Naruto hadn't been born a woman.

xxxSmutxxx

Later that night, Naruto opened the door to his home and closed it behind Sasuke, banging his head lightly against the wood, "Man, I am so sorry, things usually aren't that crazy over there."

Sasuke shrugged with a small smile, "At least it's never boring." abruptly, he was gone again, and Naruto stiffened when arms wrapped around him from behind, hot puffs of air swimming across his neck, "Of course, if you take me, I guarantee life will become even more interesting."

For one heart stopping moment, the blonde couldn't move, he couldn't breathe. His mind only focused on the way Sasuke's body flushed against his, and the electric impulses that prickled over his skin to settle around the spiral on his stomach.

But reality slammed into him when the other's arms slipped away, allowing him to whirl around with a pissed look only to stop cold when he came face to face with Sasuke, "Holy SHIT!"

The raven's expression had gone completely apathetic, his eyes had changed to a bloody red color with three black dots and he was staring out into nothing with his lips in a tight line.

Naruto immediately reached for his phone and dialed 911.

The line picked up, "911, is this an emergency?"

"Jesus CHRIST! My--um--uh--HOUSEMATE! Yeah! He just got a serious case of PINK EYE!"

"Sir, you need to relax, I can't...wait...what? Pink eye? Sir, that doesn't sound like an emergency."

"LADY! HE'S GOT RED SHIT IN BOTH OF HIS EYES! AND HE'S NOT MOVING! I THINK THIS QUALIFIES AS A FUCKING EMERGENCY!"

"Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to calm down and call your nearest medical center. Here, I'll even put you through--"

"I DON'T NEED A DAMN DOCTOR!" his orbs widened when Sasuke's eyes suddenly returned to their natural black color and he shook his head slightly from side to side.

"Sir? Sir? Sir are you still there?"

"Are...are you all right dude?"

Sasuke lifted a confused eyebrow and nodded.

Naruto exhaled a relieved breathe, "Never mind, he's okay."

"What? Wait a minute--"

He hung up the phone and tossed it on the couch, "WHAT IN THE FRIKIN NAME OF ALL THAT IS HOLY AND GOOD WAS THAT ABOUT?!"

Sasuke stared at him for a minute before opening his mouth, "My brother is coming here tomorrow to visit me."

xxxSmutxxx

Naruto kept his gaze focused on the ceiling as he lay in his bed.

The freak had a brother? Dear Lord, was the brother a freak too? And he was coming to visit? How the hell does he even know where Naruto lives? And all that crap still doesn't explain why the hell Sasuke got that weird ass case of pink eye--uh--pink eyes all of a sudden...red eyes? And the weird thing was...Naruto felt like he had seen that red eye thing before, but for the life of him, he couldn't remember where. AAGH! All of it was so...stupid. Stupid bastard! With his stupid weirdness and his stupid chicken ass hair and his stupid stupidity!

Eventually, Naruto managed to force himself into sleep, which is why he didn't hear Sasuke quietly creak the door open and carefully tip-toe over to the bed. He slowly reached forward and pulled down the sheets to expose the other's tan stomach, and the swirl around it. A smirk stretched his face as he placed at knee on the bed and swung his arm over Naruto's chest to press beside it on the mattress. He leaned down until his lips brushed Naruto's cheek, causing the blonde to stir softly but not wake up.

With a eerie smile, Sasuke stuck out his tongue and leisurely ran it up from Naruto's chin all the way to his temple, then took it back in, taking pleasure in the fact that the blonde's mouth twitched upward. He chuckled softly, "Sleep well, stupid master, it's the last sane night you'll enjoy."

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(1)- do i really have to explain this? c'mon guys, if the "hair up there" matches the "hair down there."

and CUT! end of chapter three! I'm looking forward to LOTS of absolutely baffled reviews, because next chapter, a lot of things are going to be cleared up. not to say they're still not gonna be weird...and WTF like, but they'll be understandable.

I can already answer one question I know is going to pop up everywhere:

NO, sasuke is NOT going to be uke.

there.

and if anyone even cares, that crude, crazy sadistic bitch Lina:

is me.

she is my anime clone, and exactly what I would do and say if I were put into those situations. no, I'm not on happy pills, or any other type of medication, I'm just plain old crazy, and I enjoy every second of it. :)

anyway, if THAT'S not enough for reviews.

ITACHI'S going to be in the next chapter. well, now at least I have Itachi fans attention, which is about eighty percent of the naruto fan population, don't even TRY and tell me it's not true. I see itachi love everywhere damnit.