wow guys, I wasn't expecting the most interesting thing last chapter to be ME! almost everybody just had to tell me how much they loved Lina! I'm a pretty popular person here now huh? yes, I do parties and I'll say mean things to that person you hate for you. now of course, my name isn't REALLY Lina, those are just letters IN my real name that I took out and made that way, but the way she acts is EXACTLY how I am. I couldn't think of anyone crude enough from Naruto to say the things I wanted to say, not even Jiraiya would go as far as I do, so I took it upon myself to just physically PUT myself in my story, I make things more interesting, and you all just WAIT until later, when another friend of mine comes in here.

any who, thanks a trillion for the reviews guys! and I swear if the last chapters didn't pull a chuckle out of you, this one WILL. Itachi fans might end up hating me though, cuz he is so OOC, but he's just so great to poke fun at!

this chap is dedicated to my equally insane love, kiki: yours and mines insanity stabilizes the saneness of our lives--a.k.a I love you like a fat woman loves pie (hugs and kisses)

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Chapter 4: Seriously, What the Hell?

The sound of something shattering to the floor caused Naruto's eyes to flutter open partially. He groaned and lowered his lids to below half-mast, then whispered groggily, "What the hell was that?" he glanced at the bedside clock, which read 6: 34 am and he released a fake sob, "Too eaaaaarrrlyyy..."

Letting out an annoyed moan, he forced himself up and trudged off the bed, his mind still in the foggy state of sleep. He picked up a pair of sweatpants from the floor and clumsily slid them on. Then, with a slumped figure, Naruto slowly walked past his door, not even noticing that it was opened already, and took slow--very slow--steps to the source of the crash, the bathroom. On his way, he gingerly rubbed a hand up the side of his face, then paused when he felt something kind of...scratchy. He brought the hand down and narrowed his eyes even further at a mirror hanging in the hallway, finding something white stained up his cheek.

He blinked at his reflection...was that...dried saliva? Well geez, he'd admit he was no beauty when he slept. Hell, he even knew he tended to drool now and again...but...how in fuck's name did drool from his mouth wind up dried up next to his eye?

He pondered for a moment but then shook his head, deciding he was way to damn tired to worry about the trail his saliva traveled on while he was snoring. So he continued on his way to the bathroom, and when he got there, he stood impassively at the door with a completely blank, completely sleepy look on his face.

Well, the first thing he noticed was that there was a big hole now in his wall behind the sink cabinet.

Second, he found the thing that had shattered to the floor had been a fugly--that's right fugly--ornament that Sakura had given him for his last birthday. Thank God.

Third, he saw that some...thing with a long, black tail--which had probably made the hole in the first place--was desperately moving around behind the cabinet, the only thing visible were it's hind legs and it's tail.

Naruto blinked once...then twice...then glanced around the small room to see if anything other weird things were going on that he may have missed. When nothing caught his eye, he looked back down at the animal, which still hadn't even noticed the blonde was even standing there, "Damn cat...I really need to get rid of that thing..." he muttered before turning around and taking drowsy steps back out the door.

About ten feet later, he paused, "Wait a minute...I don't have a cat." he let out a huge sigh and slowly walked back to the bathroom, finding this whole thing way too fucking tiring to deal with right now. When he got back, the animal was still squirming around behind the cabinet, "...Hey" he grumbled.

Didn't hear him.

He gritted his teeth and exhaled, "Hey...kitty...kitty kitty kitty...kitty." was the fucking thing deaf or what?

But suddenly, the animal stiffened and it gradually pulled itself out from behind the cabinet.

Naruto quirked a brow at the sight.

That...was definitely not a kitty.

The thing was completely black and had scales, with large dark eyes, four legs, a long tail, and three horns curling back on it's head. Also...there was a lizard shoved halfway in it's mouth, trying desperately to get out.

Naruto stared impassively at the creature and it stared back, "O...kay...," the blonde muttered, "can't say I was expecting that."

Dear God...it was definitely to early to deal with something like this. What the hell was that thing? It started with some letter.

Naruto sighed and went through his alphabet, 'A, anteater...no, that's not it. B, baby...barnacle...no. Geez, C, well...it's not a cat...D, dog...it's got four legs, but they don't have scales...dragon...that was it wasn't it? Yeah, the thing is a dragon.' he smiled triumphantly at his discovery and turned around to walk away. Suddenly, the whole thing registered through his mind and he whirled around with wide eyes, "WHAT THE FUCK?!" he gaped at the animal for a moment before dashing out of the room and coming back with a knife poised in his hand.

The dragon promptly blinked and spit out the lizard in it's mouth, watching it scamper away and then turned it's attention back to the blonde.

Naruto stared with shock and nearly passed out when the animal began changing form, growing out it's limbs and standing upright, eventually taking on the form of, "SASUKE?!" the blonde yelled.

Sasuke looked at him, "Um...there was a lizard."

Naruto continued to gawk.

The raven turned red, "It was MOCKING me damnit! The little bastard deserved to be killed!"

Naruto began panting heavily and was holding the knife with shaky hands. He gestured to the door, "Out--outoutoutoutOUT!! FUCKING MOTHER OF MARY GET OUT!"

Sasuke flinched for a split second. But then his entire body relaxed and a small smirk adorned his face, "You aren't honestly going to put that through me, are you?"

Naruto shook his head and stumbled backward when Sasuke began advancing on him, "St-stay back! I'll do it damnit!"

Sasuke chuckled and forced the blonde back against the wall, grabbing his wrists and putting them down so the weapon faced the ground, "Now now, you wouldn't want to kill your new pet, would you?"

Naruto stiffened and dropped the knife so it clattered to the floor, "I KNEW you were crazy!"

Sasuke ignored the comment and pressed flush against him, leaning down to breathe into the other's mouth, "Wouldn't you like a dragon for a pet?"

It was at this moment that Naruto realized, the other man was completely nude, and he was half naked himself. A rush of heat traveled up his neck and flooded his cheeks, "What the hell are you?"

Sasuke's lips twitched, "Yours." he closed the distance between them.

Blue eyes went wide when Sasuke's mouth pressed against his, and before he could think, he opened his own and allowed the other to slip inside.

Sasuke growled and pinned Naruto's wrists against the wall, devouring his mouth as if his life depended on it. He tilted his head and shoved his tongue into the other's cavern, running the muscle over his tongue.

Naruto groaned and arched against him, body humming for more even though he knew he should be scared shitless of this guy right now.

A knock on the front door yanked Naruto back into reality, snapping his head away he broke the kiss, leaving Sasuke to plant kisses and licks along his cheek.

The knocking continued and Naruto promptly lurched forward and shoved the other off of him. He blushed and took off his sweatpants, tossing them to Sasuke, "Put them on and for God's sake DON'T MOVE until I come back!" he yelled before rushing out the bathroom.

He ran to the front door and turned the lock, yanking it open, "WHAT?!"

The visitor flinched before scowling, "Well aren't we just a fucking ray of sunshine this morning?"

Naruto blinked, "Lina?" he looked over the girl, dressed in nothing but a pair of boy boxers and a white tank top that read "Bite Me" in bold letters, black hair puffing out in random curls.

"What is it Lina?"

Lina blinked and glanced behind him, "Hey, where's chicken ass man?"

Naruto hesitated, "Sasuke? Um..."

"Yeah, the man with the onion ass."

"The man with the onion...what?"

Lina nodded, "An ass so beautiful," she wiped at a fake tear, "it brings tears to your eyes. Kinda like yours."

"Um..." he glanced at his backside for a moment, "Thanks...really Lina, I'm like, a little busy, what do you need?"

"I'm out of sugar, and I'll PMS all day if I don't have my cafe con leche."

"What did you call me?"

She rolled her eyes, "COFFEE with MILK, you damn idiot. I need SU-GAR, do you have any or not?"

He looked her up and down, "Lina...I know you live two houses down, but...couldn't you have at least gotten a little dressed before you came over here?"

Her brows crumpled, "Are you calling me trashy you little pillow biter(1)?"

Naruto stammered, "What? No! Nonono! That's not--HEY! I am NOT a pillow biter!"

"Whatever, go get me some sugar before I flash your homosexual ass with my 34C's."

Something abruptly crashed in the bathroom and caused both of them to jump.

Naruto panicked, "Oh dear God."

"What the hell was that?"

"Nothing!"

"It was obviously SOMETHING!"

"Uh--um--frogs." he retorted quickly.

Lina looked at him, "Frogs?"

Naruto nodded his head rapidly, his eyes shifting with nervousness as he tried to come up with something, "Uh, giant...Canadian...cloud...frogs."

Lina raised a brow, "Giant. Canadian. Cloud. Frogs." she looked down, "The bullshit coming out of your mouth is dirtying your floor."

"No no, it's true--um--Sasuke's...trying to get rid of them."

"Uh-huh, well maybe I should come in and help you. I got rid of the mice in Kiba's laundry room, if I can handle little fuckers like those, I think I can take down a few frogs...especially if they don't exist."

Another crash.

Lina started, "What the fuck is going on in there?!"

Naruto paled and quickly ran to the kitchen, grabbing a bag of sugar and shoving it to Lina's chest, "WELL IT'S BEEN GREAT SEEING YOU LINA! TIME FOR YOU TO GO NOW! BYE!" he slammed the door and locked it, dashing back into the bathroom to find two more things shattered on the floor, and Sasuke, in his human form, stretching an arm behind the cabinet again with a scrunched up face.

"What the hell are you DOING?!"

"That little bitch came back! She's taunting me Naruto!"

"Oh for Christ's sake, get UP!"

Sasuke paused and glared behind the cabinet, "This isn't over." he muttered before standing up.

Naruto blushed at seeing his sweatpants hugging the other's hips, "Where're your clothes?"

"They...ripped...when I changed."

"Well don't you have any other ones?"

"Those weren't even mine, I took them from a camper who was out in the woods."

"So...you stole them."

"I did not steal. I simply borrowed...without permission...and without the intention of ever giving them back."

"So you stole them."

"Forcefully emancipated. Why can't I just wear your clothes? Selfish are we?"

Naruto rubbed his temples and pointed to the door in the living room, "Look, I don't know what the hell you want from me, but all this weird shit is going to give me a heart attack at 23. So you need to GO."

Sasuke shook his head, "I'm afraid I can't do that. I need you."

"What the fuck do you WANT from me?!"

Sasuke sighed and grabbed the other's hand, leading him to the living room and sitting them down on the couch, "I need you to listen to me very carefully, all right?"

Naruto raised a brow but nodded once.

"I can't explain everything right now because my brother will be here soon, but basically all I need from you at this very moment is to NOT kick me out and wait until my brother leaves so I can explain what's happening here, alright?"

Naruto shook his head and stood up, "Dude! You're a fucking animal!"

"Dragon."

"A giant lizard!"

"Don't you compare me to those little bastards! We are NOT the same!"

Naruto jumped when rain started pounding on the window, and he stared at the drops for a moment before sighing, "Okay...you promise you'll tell me what's going on?"

Sasuke nodded.

Naruto bit his lip, "But how come--" he was interrupted by a knocking at the door.

Sasuke stared at the wood and sniffed the air, "That's him."

"Your brother?"

"Yes."

Naruto glanced apprehensively at the door, "Is he...you know...like you?"

"Of course he is."

The blonde groaned and slowly walked to the door, pulling it open once again to be met with a man that looked shockingly similar to Sasuke.

"Uh...hi?"

Itachi sighed, "Brother? Is that you?"

"Um..."

He frowned, "Little brother...come closer...it's so dark...and I'm so cold..."

Naruto raised a brow, "Uh, buddy...your eyes are closed...and you're standing in the rain."

The man opened his eyes and looked down at the blonde, "..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"...Hi?"

"You're not Sasuke."

"Great observation man, I'm Naruto, Sasuke's over there." he pointed to the couch, where Sasuke was watching the scene play out with an amused smile.

Itachi blinked, "Oh...yes, of course."

"Well, come on in I guess." he stood out of the way so Itachi could come inside, only to sweat drop when the man took a step and walked straight into the wall.

Naruto started, "Are you okay?!"

Sasuke chuckled, "Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, Itachi's going blind."

Naruto snapped to him, "What?! You're such an ASS! And you just let him run into stuff like that?!"

"Pretty much."

Itachi rubbed his forehead and grabbed Naruto's arm, pulling himself inside the house, "That's quite enough little brother." he let Naruto lead him to sit next to Sasuke.

Sasuke lifted a brow, "So, you said you had something important to tell me."

Itachi nodded, "Yes, but before that, Naruto, do you happen to have any shampoo?"

Naruto shut the door and stared at him, "What?"

"Shampoo, for the hair."

"Um...yeah...why?"

"Please, will you bring me a bottle?"

"What the...what for?"

The man's face suddenly fell to a scowl, "Naruto, do you SEE my hair?"

"Uh, well, yeah."

"Is my hair not in beautiful condition?"

The blonde's mouth parted in confusion, "I guess...so. Where is this going?"

"Are you going to hold yourself responsible for not giving me a mere bottle of shampoo to keep the lustrous shine in my hair and let it go dull and flat?!"

"...What?"

"Will you?!"

"Dude, what's your problem? You work at a fucking Herbal Essence commercial or something?"

"Do you WANT my hair to lose it's shine?!"

Naruto held his hands up in surrender, "Geez, okay, I'll get you some damn shampoo." he grumbled a few curses under his breath before going to bathroom and coming back with a bottle of shampoo in his hand, he held it out to Itachi, "Here."

Itachi smiled and took the bottle, "Thank you." he flicked the cap open and abruptly shoved it in front of Sasuke's face and squeezed, the liquid shooting out and flying right into oblivion eyes. Sasuke screamed and fell to the floor, while Itachi sat laughing manically on the couch.

Naruto's eyes widened, "SASUKE!"

The raven was rolling around on the ground with his hands over his eyes and screaming crude obscenities at his brother.

"HA!" Itachi yelled, "You thought it would be humorous to put my fingers in a glass of water while I was asleep did you brother(2)?! Well who's laughing NOW?!"

Naruto hurried to the kitchen and filled up a cup of water, running back into the living room and splashing it over Sasuke eyes.

"ITACHI! I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU!" the raven screamed as Naruto helped him rinse the shampoo out.

A few minutes later, Sasuke was back on the couch panting heavily with irritated eyes, and Naruto sat between them to make sure neither one killed the other.

Itachi smirked, "Well, now that that's off my chest. Sasuke, I have something important to tell you."

The other just glared.

"Sasuke...he's looking for you."

Suddenly Sasuke's eyes widened, anger forgotten, "You're kidding...already?"

"Yes."

Naruto raised a brow and looked from one to the other, "Who? Who's looking for you Sasuke?"

"Are you sure Itachi? He doesn't know where I am does he?"

"No, but he has sent out that little rat of his out to search for you."

"Damnit."

"Well did you find the other yet? That will solve the problem."

Sasuke smirked, "Yes, I did find him."

"Well why aren't you with him?"

Sasuke chuckled and glanced at Naruto, who was looking at both of them like they'd grown four noses, "I am with him."

"What? Me?"

Itachi stared at the blonde, "This is him? Are you positive?"

"Yes, he has all the marks."

"Ah, then why are you still worried?"

"He doesn't know of us."

Itachi blanched, "You're joking. That does pose a problem."

"Everything scares him shitless, he had no idea we existed until today. He's hesitant about taking me."

"HELLO! I'm right HERE you guys!"

Itachi sniffed and stood up, "Well, knowing or not knowing doesn't take away the right. He can still do it, you just have to explain it to him."

"Itachi he has to want to do it, you know that."

"Seriously, am I like the air here?"

Itachi smirked, "Then little brother, it's time to work some of your charm and make him want to do it. Because if the snake and the rat find you, there won't be another chance."

Sasuke sighed, "I'm aware of that."

"Hey guys, I'm gonna go slice my wrist."

"Then be quick about it Sasuke, the only freedom you'll get is through him."

"Right after I jump out the window!"

Sasuke smiled, "He'll do it."

Naruto slumped into the couch. These bastards had totally forgotten he was there! Where the hell was Lina when you needed her? She'd make them pay attention!

"Well, I suppose I should take my leave before he realizes I'm not there anymore."

Sasuke nodded and stood up, walking his brother to the door and opening it, "Don't trip down any stairs on your way."

"Haha, very funny little brother. You keep using yours and you'll wind up the same way." he left.

Sasuke laughed softly and closed the door, turning around to face the blonde with a predatory smile on his face, "Now...down to business."

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(1)- cuz ukes always have their faces shoved in pillows XD

(2)- when you put someone's fingers in water and they just sit there, they pee.

man, and to think this thing was going to be a SIDE project. everyone's love for it has made it into a BIG project, oh you silly ducks, making me change my mind like that.

and c'mon now guys.

itachi.

was hilarious.

he walked right into a wall for god's sake.

reviews are welcomed and pleaded for! and more SasuNaru action is coming up in coming chapters. along with better explanation as to what the hell's going on, but if you're smart you pretty much figured it all out by now. if you're not...well, yeah, let's leave it at that.