THE POOPTRIX
Chapter 3
"Uhm." Josiah voiced. "I didn't mean to start an argument between you two."
"It was coming along anyway." The Count said, and then huffed under his breath and held tightly to his arms.
"Oh-ppppt." Jennifer responded.
"Well…" Suddenly Josiah's pants began to vibrate. He shook a little and then dug around his pocket, pulling out some high-tech cell-phone. He read the screen at the top and then flipped it open. "H-Hello? Oh, hi. Yeah. We're at the hotel…Uhm. Yeah. Everything's fine. But we haven't discussed the mission yet. I'd say tell him to come in a half hour. Yeah. O-Okay. Thank you." He flipped the phone back closed again and looked back to Jennifer. "Anyway. Listen, I'll go over it with you, but we don't have much time."
"…" Though the bickering between her and the Count had temporarily distracted her, Jennifer was still confused out of her mind why she was in some place called "The Pooptrix."
"Well you see…long long ago, there was a powerful wizard who discovered, through dimensional travel, that there was a 6th dimension, one of a reality where creatures of other realities can enter and still be of the same nature. But it's just different. It's like Hogwarts. It's there, in a specific place on the planet, on its own, even if that exact place is already occupied in the real world. That is what the Pooptrix is. Plus a bunch of cool science-fiction-esque crap." Josiah eyed Jennifer, anticipating a response of sorts, but nobody on the love-seat moved an inch. "So…"
"Okay, and why do you know about this?"
"Well I realize to you it's pretty far-fetched, b-b-but I've done a lot of research. And I got an internship here as a massage therapist." He nods enthusiastically.
"…OK."
"And…Count? Why are you here?" The Count seemed taken aback that Jennifer had any nerve to talk to him after the argument, but sorted through his words, shrugged his shoulders, and lent his hand out informatively.
"We've been involved with it since the 70's. I-I-It's a Sesame Street thing."
"I…see…" Just then, the Count rose from his seat.
"Do you mind if I get myself a drink?"
"Oh no… no problem, just make sure to wash your hands before you open the glass cabinet!" Josiah gleamed a peachy little grin to the sober, yet suffering, Count, but Jennifer was annoyed by his optimism.
"Am I the…only one here who doesn't see how this is a good thing? You're holding me hostage! I'm supposed to be in school right now! I don't want to be in this giant anus known as a dimension. I want to go home!"
"I'm sorry, Jennifer." Josiah voiced.
"You will be sorry if we don't get this over with soon enough." He gulped and loosened the collar of his turtle neck under the leather jacket.
--- --- ---
Not long after, there was a knock on the penthouse door. Jennifer and Josiah were still sitting awkwardly on the love-seat, but simultaneously darted towards the door, and entering was a short stocky boy with a striped polo shirt and jeans. He also had a sports bag flung over his shoulder. "Hi. I'm Steven Kulp. But you can call me Asshole-Guy." He said. Jennifer wondered if that was some kind of crude nickname, or if he really was a jerk. Josiah extended his arm out to shake "Asshole-Guy's" hand, but the startled expression on his face suggested he was a tad disgusted. He kept his arms to his sides. "Anyway…" Josiah awkwardly retracted his hand. "Are you Jennifer? I'm here to help you."
"Yeah…uh…"
"Please. Don't speak. We must get busy." He dashed past the two of them and unloaded the bag on the love-seat. Inside was a clipboard, some jump-ropes, and Frisbees of all different colors. "Okay, Jennifer. I'm your personal trainer, alright? I'm here to teach you the ways of Frisbee."
"…I'm sorry…what?"
"Frisbee."
"Y-y-yeah I heard you, but what-" He shot to Josiah hastily.
"You didn't tell her?" Jennifer looked like she was about to foam at the mouth.
"Why are you keeping all this from me?! What?! What is SERIOUSLY going on?!"
"You're entering a Frisbee tournament, Jennifer." Asshole-Guy flatly uttered. Just then, a wobbling puppet wandered over from the drink-bar.
"'Ello everybody! What is going on with you guyses-…" He nearly stumbled into Jennifer but she shoved him back.
"Count," she said with labor, "how many drinks did you have?" He lifted a finger and twirled around.
"I only wanted a couple drinks, and I said 'ONE! One shot of vodka, TWO! Two shots of vodka, and before I knew it, ELEVEN! FOURTEEN! TWENTY-FOUR!!! Twenty four shots of vodka! Ah-Ah-Ah!" As the Count lifted his head back he collapsed on the floor and continued to giggle to himself. Jennifer, Josiah, and Asshole-Guy crowded together and witnessed with pity his drunken antics, then took a moment to regain themselves, and with silence, agreed to step out into the hallway where his utterances were muffled behind the door.
"What do you people do around here, anyway?!"
"It's not what you think, Mr. Kulp. Honestly. The Count is just having some personal problems." Josiah informed him. Asshole-Guy gave him and Jennifer a few offensive glances and looked around.
"Well…we really need to get down to business."
"Yes, I realize that, but…"
"Listen. We'll go to the buffet. It'll be a perfect place to sit down and sort this all through…since apparently this shit-fuck here has failed to do his job." Josiah cowered a little and his face fell to the floor.
--- --- ---
They seated themselves at the end of a long table in the buffet room next to the hotel lobby. Asshole-Guy was apparently a little hungry, because he started at the end of the food table and took a paper plate, poking with tongs into various baskets and dishes. "Uh…"
"Yeah yeah, just hold on…" He put some spherical melon scoops and a couple pieces of cinnamon bread onto the plate and sat back down. "Yeah sorry, I didn't have lunch yet."
"Heh…" Josiah was still pretty quiet after all the threatening. Asshole-Guy stuffed some bread into his mouth.
"Okay, uhm," he got out through chews, "So…are you familiar with Pooptrix government?" Jennifer shook her head with a mindless expression on her face. "The Order of the Anus?" She shook again. "Uh…The Great Judicial Excrements Plan of 6th Dimensional Compliance?" A line of drool escaped the crack of Jennifer's mouth. "Oh my…we have a long way to go."
So Asshole-Guy began explaining the ins and outs of Pooptrix society, including the past few presidents and their accomplishments, and Poop-related massacres of the 19th and 20th centuries. Jennifer was in ways instantly fascinated with this, but still a little repulsed.
"So
it's being taken over…by gangs."
"Yes. Lots of
gangs."
"Okay, but I don't understand why that means I need to save the Pooptrix."
"Ok, Jennifer. Listen. You are not saving the Pooptrix."
"…Good."
"You're saving the whole world."
"Pffft. Do you have any idea how cliché that sounds?"
"Yes, I know. But I'm being serious. You have to save the world."
"Yes, Jennifer. Please, listen to Mr. Kulp."
"I TOLD you, my name is Asshole-Guy, you piece of shit."
"…I was just trying to be respectful."
"NO.
You were just trying to be a fucking douche-bag." Josiah cowered a
little again.
"Ok LISTEN, Asshole-Guy. Just answer me
this. Why…does the world depend…on an 18-year-old girl?"
"…It…that's just how it…" She crossed her arms and
waited for a legitimate response, but when it never came, she started
marching back into the lobby towards the doors. "JENNIFER, WAIT!"
She flung herself around and stared at him. "Let me explain,
godamnit! I don't know why it's you that has to do it, but you
do! And if you cared about anyone besides yourself-"
"Pfff."
"Fine.
You want the whole world to explode? Be my guest." She breathed
heavily and stared at the two of them, Josiah giving silent support
to Asshole-Guy.
"Ok. Let's say…hypothetically… I
did your little training program… and saved the world, playing
Frisbee." She paused. They leaned forward in anticipation. "…How
long is it gonna take?"
"Uh… I really don't…
uh… three weeks, maybe?"
"And when would we train?"
"Soon as my morning business is done. Probably about
ten to noon." Suddenly Jennifer stopped and thought.
"Ten to noon… that means…you can get me out of Life Sports."
"What?"
"10:00
TO 11:37!! Life Sports! You can get me out of Life Sports!!!"
"Well, I guess-"
"I'm
IN." Asshole-Guy glanced at Josiah and they both shrugged.
"Are you being serious or sarcastic?" He asked. Jennifer
danced around a bit.
"Seriously!!"
"Well,
okay. Good. Just let me go over a few ground rules." They started
up the stairs, and Josiah trailed behind.
When
they returned to the penthouse, it was dead silent, the tips of the
incense still excreting trails of smoke, and a figure in black was
sprawled out over the canopy with its arms flung over the side. They
quietly entered the room and closed the door, tiptoeing towards the
love-seat to sit down again. Jennifer approached the bed. "…Count?"
He remained, with his face turned into the mattress. "…Count? Are
you all right?" She poked him in the back a few times, then turned
to Josiah and Asshole-Guy. "He's passed out."
"Well no shit, Jennifer." Asshole-Guy replied.
"Yeah. Even I know how to recognize that." Jennifer seemed a little offended, but shrugged her shoulders and sat down at the end of the bed.
"Well, Jennifer. We can only take this days at a time. I think it's time to call it a night."
"Night?"
"Yeah, it's probably around five or six right now. Time goes by fast in the Pooptrix." Jennifer said nothing. "So I'll just leave this stuff there until tomorrow." Asshole-Guy concluded. He left the penthouse indifferently. Josiah and Jennifer's eyes glanced at the Count, and then rose to each other's questioningly.
"Do we just…leave him here?" Jennifer asked.
"I guess it couldn't hurt." Jennifer was pretty sure that it could hurt, but somehow didn't care, so they flipped off the lights and left the penthouse.
