A confrontation is due. Dean needs to know. He doesn't want to con Cas into anything but he has to find out why the guy is so scared.
Yet another night and day at the cabin.
(Dean POV)
Dean couldn't sleep—at all. He knew he had screwed up. Every fiber in his body told him that Castiel felt the same but the guy was obviously scared out of his mind about those feelings. Dean didn't know how to go about fixing this one. If they couldn't resolve things quickly Dean couldn't see them managing these next few days together.
He didn't want to go back home before his week at the cabin was up but it could very possibly be the only solution to the current situation.
He wanted to hit something. He wanted to scream and yell and hit his head against the wall. Instead he just sat there feeling utterly defeated.
After another hour of the same thoughts going through his mind and multiple attempts at getting comfortable on the couch—without success—he decided to go for a swim. The temperature outside had dropped to just above freezing but it felt good. The water was actually warmer than the air but he still couldn't stay in for long.
As he walked back to the cabin he made a decision, he was just going to tell Cas how he felt. It couldn't possible get any worse than it was right now. He knew those were damn near jinxing words but he wanted something to happen. If Cas wanted to leave then he'd take him to the nearest train station and remain up here alone.
When he got back inside Castiel was standing in front of the bookshelf. He startled visibly but didn't turn around. Dean went into the bedroom and put on some clean, dry clothes before returning to the living room. He wanted to be comfortable when he confronted Cas.
"Castiel, Cas, we, we need to talk." He watched as Cas just nodded, "I know." Cas sighed and moved over to the couch and curling up on one end. Dean followed suit and sat on the opposite end.
They looked everywhere else but at each other. Or at least their eyes never met when one looked at the other. After a few moments of the awkward silence Dean took a deep breath, it was now or never. "Cas, if you want to leave I understand but I want you to hear me out first. Please?" He finally looked over at Cas, "I'm sorry I kissed you." Dean inwardly flinched, that did not come out how he had wanted. He let out a small chuckle earning a puzzled look from Castiel.
"I, uh, that wasn't," he twisted his hands together and cleared his throat, "Look, I'm not sorry I kissed you. I would do it again in a heartbeat if you'd let me." He paused but silence met him from the other end of the couch, so he pressed forward. "I like you, a lot, and I thought we could just be friends but," he shook his head, "I like you and I think that you like me too, so why, why Cas, why can't we just explore this?"
Dean watched as Castiel finally moved, raising a hand to wipe at his cheek. "Are you crying? I didn't mean to make you cry. I'm sorry Cas, I just," he scooted over a bit but stopped when Castiel flinched.
"Because it's wrong," Cas' voice was barely audible through his sobs. "I, I can't, Dean." Dean sighed before moving closer and wrapping an arm around Castiel's torso. He pulled him towards his chest and stroked his fingers through his hair. Cas tensed up but allowed the touches. "I'm so sorry you feel like that Cas, but I think, I think we can fix this."
Dean could feel Castiel's hands fisting his shirt, clenching and unclenching; he continued to run his fingers through Cas' hair, rocking him gently in his arms.
"How can this wrong? I think I—" Castiel lifted a hand and placed a finger on Dean's lips, "Don't. Just hold me."
(Castiel POV)
They sat there for what seemed like an eternity. Castiel was scared out of his mind. His position was slightly uncomfortable because it restricted blood flow to his feet, but he didn't dare to move. He didn't know what would happen if he did. At one point Dean's hand had come to rest on his shoulder and it felt good.
He had closed his eyes and buried his face in Dean's shirt. It was wet from his tears and he did feel a little embarrassed, however, if it was at all possible, he would like to stay like this forever. He felt so safe in Dean's arms but he knew that sooner or later he'd have to face his fears.
He jumped a little when Dean's hand began to rub up and down his back, "Hey, maybe we should try to get some sleep?" Cas nodded into Dean's chest, "Mmhmm." Dean nudged Cas' shoulders, gently pushing him backwards a bit, then looked him in the eye, "You okay?" Cas closed his eyes and nodded, "Yeah, I think so."
It was a bit awkward when they stood up, Cas could barely feel his feet, he latched onto the only thing available, Dean. Or more specifically, Dean's shoulder, "Sorry, my legs fell asleep on me." Dean just smiled and wrapped an arm around him, holding him up as they walked towards the bedroom.
Dean helped sit Cas down on his bed and then stroked his cheek, "Relax and go to sleep." He gently pushed Cas down until his head hit the pillow. Cas pulled his feet onto the bed and closed his eyes. He felt as Dean reached for the blanket and tucked him in. It was nice.
He peeked out from under his lashes and could see Dean had sat down on the floor next to his bed. He watched as Dean's hand reached up and once again stroked his cheek, and felt it as Dean lent forward and pressed his lips to Cas' forehead.
Dean didn't pull away immediately, instead he left his lips pressed against the skin of Cas' forehead. "I…can I?" he whispered, causing Cas to pull back a little and look up into Dean's eyes.
He knew what was coming and it terrified him, but at the same time it elated him. He wanted it. He gave the barest of nods.
Dean licked his lips quickly and moved forward to close the gap between them.
Castiel's breath hitched as their lips met.
"Get up sleepy head!" Castiel felt a hard shove on his shoulder, "We're going for a walk." He was still half asleep but immediately recalled their kiss. When Dean nudged him again he sat up trying not to look the man in the face. "What's going on?" Dean looked at him for several seconds before pointing towards the door, "We're going for a walk, get dressed."
He got out of bed as Dean left the room, he was still confused and definitely not awake yet. "What, what's going on?" He repeated poking his head out of the bedroom and saw Dean packing a small backpack. "Nothing, I'm only gonna show you the sites. So get a move on!"
He was ready nearly a half hour later, decked out in his new clothes and boots. The only mirror in the cabin was the small one over the sink so he didn't know how he looked.
Dean smiled as Cas came out into the living room, "You look like a hunter. It suits you." He grabbed a rifle and slung it on his back, adjusting the strap while gesturing the backpack towards Cas, "Come on, I packed food and drinks. You carry this, it's not heavy."
They walked out into the woods behind the cabin. Dean crisscrossed through the terrain at an insane speed, or at least it felt insane to Castiel. He was only used to keeping up with pedestrian traffic in a city. Dean paused every so often to allow Cas to catch up.
"Seriously, are we trying to catch a train or something? I'm going to pass out if we don't slow down or something." Cas knew he sounded a little whiny but this was a bit ridiculous. People did this for fun? As in they enjoyed gallivanting through bushes, over fallen trees, rocks, roots, and whatever else was beneath Cas' feet.
Dean slowed down a bit more, "Sorry," he said a little sheepishly, "I'm used to being here alone. We're not that far now." Cas rolled his eyes, "We have an actual destination? Can we rest there?" Dean chuckled, "Yeah, and we can even eat if you want."
After another fifteen minutes, at a pace Castiel felt much more comfortable with, they came to a clearing the woods. Dean stopped and turned to Cas, "This is my favorite spot." They were on top of a cliff overlooking the valley down below. Castiel wasn't able to enjoy the sight at first, he had slumped down on nearby rock totally exhausted. "I'm sure it's nice but my feet are killing me, so if you don't mind," he said as he began to unlace his boots and pulled them off. "I'm going to have blisters, these boots are torture devices." Dean sat down next to him, "I'm sorry, you didn't get a chance to break them in."
Dean tugged the pack off Cas' back and dug out a thermos, "You want some coffee?" He poured some anyway, not waiting for a response, "Here." Castiel frowned a little but took the cup and a sip. He watched as Dean fiddled some more with the pack, pulling various things out, handing a sandwich to Cas. "You could probably never find your way back now, so uh, tell me about yourself."
Dean was looking directly into Cas' eyes at the moment. "I want to know what makes you tick, and, and I want to know, I want to know why you're so scared. We're not going back until you've told me."
For a second Castiel wondered if he could actually find his way back; it was definitely looking like the easier option than opening up to Dean. His flight reaction was kicking in, especially under the scrutinizing stare Dean was giving him.
"You tricked me! I don't, I can't…" He trailed off with a sigh and looked down at the ground, maybe it's for the best he thought. He hadn't ever really talked to anyone about his life before. He'd never shared his pain with another living soul. Not even Meg.
With a weak voice he started at the beginning. He told Dean about his mother, how she died giving birth to him, and how he felt like his family always blamed him for their loss. He shared how strict his father was, is, and the strained relationship he had with his siblings.
Dean hardly interrupted, he'd asked a few follow up questions every so often, but for the most part he just listened.
"I, I'd never been out in the countryside until, until they sent me to the camp, a camp," he hesitated. He didn't want to talk about that camp and how it screwed him up on the inside. "Like a summer camp?" Dean asked. The memories, the mental abuse, the verbal abuse, it was making his eyes tear up. Dean looked puzzled, "Cas, Cas what's the matter?"
Castiel stood up and paced for a bit. He could feel Dean watching him. He didn't know how to continue. "I, I can't. I can't, Dean."
Dean got up and moved closer, "What? What happened at camp, Cas?"
Cas squeezed his eyes shut and clenched his fists, "They, they tried to cure me. I wanted it to work but it didn't. It didn't work."
When he opened his eyes again and looked towards Dean he could see the confusion in his eyes slowly harden into something else. "They tried to make you straight?"
Castiel nodded and covered his face with his hands, "I, I wanted them to succeed, I, I was so scared." He sniffled a little and let out a barely audible, "I'm still scared, Dean."
