Disclaimer: I do not own Avatar: The Last Airbender

Illness and Almosts

Year of the Dove-Year of the Unagi


"Fire Lord Sozun is dead."

Five words, and no more, were uttered and that signified the death of a Fire Lord. The people called him many things; a monarch, a monster, a great man, all of which exulted his legacy.

"Is grandpapa alright?" Tai asked me curiously.

"Grandpapa is dead. His soul rests with Agni." I repeated gently.

Tai only shrugged and nodded; continuing his way.

Oh, how simple it must've been to have been but a child; one who did not have to understand how hard the world truly was yet.

We took our places near the coffin and burning procession and listened to the head Fire Sage tell about Sozun's family and history.

"…brother of Sovereign Kuzon, father to Crown Prince Azulon, grandfather to Prince Iroh and Prince Ozai, father in law to princess Ilsa, grandfather in law to Princess Yukihiya, great-grandfather to Prince Tai…" the priest rambled on near endlessly, mostly about how Sozun was a hero in starting this great war, and I mostly drowned out his partisan speech.

It was after he held up the Fire Comb, when I was first told about it, I asked if there wasn't supposed to be a coronation crown or something instead of a plain piece of molded gold, and Iroh replied that the comb had a wearing history to have been traced back to the first Firebender according to legend. It was blessed by the sacred gods themselves and said to help the wearer communicate with the world unseen.

Yeah, right; I first thought.

I saw Azulon about to stand up with pride.

"To fulfill your last wish, you are succeeded by your brother." The head Sage said and my gaze immediately darted to uncle-and-nephew.

Azulon must've wanted to spit venom on Kuzon, on the body of his dead father, and on the head sage. He must've wanted to demand that he'd had that one defeat and so he was denied his birthright? Kuzon stepped forth and kneeled in front of the sage and proceeded to have the comb pinned on the bun at his head.

"All hail Fire Lord Kuzon." The head sage proclaimed and there, every knee bowed to him, every messenger began to hastily write the proclamation, and some people were now beginning to formulate new plans to power right as their eyes cast onto their new Fire Lord.

Once the cremation and coronation was over, I hastily picked up Tai and began to carry him quickly through the halls as if I had discovered a murder plot against him.

"Mother, I'm big now; I don't need you to carry me." Tai stated and I held on to him tighter.

If Iroh perished in battle, he would be all I had left.

My thoughts drifted to Azulon again. He must've been seething with anger when he saw the coronation crown on Kuzon's head. As he had said countless times before; birthrights are inherited and nothing could change that. But as his father's last wish, Sozun chose his brother over his own heir. civil war could break out over just that and I shuddered to think what would happen; the Fire Nation was already fighting a war with the rest of the world, so what good would it be if civil war also erupted?

The outcome would not have been beneficial to anyone. I practically ran into his bedchamber and laid him down on the soft mattress; tucking in the blankets around him and whispering to him that it would be ok, to just go to sleep.

"But I'm not tired; it's only after sunset." He said in a slight argument.

He was taught not to disobey his parents, but there were so many things a young child of 6 wanted and to play until late into the night was one of them.

"I know that too, but it has been an unfortunate day for the entire nation. Tradition calls that we rest for a certain period of time. No, little one, we do not sleep all of that time, but sleeping will make much of the time go by faster." I insisted and Tai nodded, closing his eyes like a good child would.

I rose up and went to exit his room when, as I opened the door, a messenger stood there. I halted, feeling my blood freeze at the sight of him and the worst of my fears for Iroh ran through my head.

"He's dead, isn't he?" I wanted to ask the messenger, but he only pressed a note into my hands and skirted off. My hands trembled as I unraveled the rolled paper and sighed in relief as I found Iroh's calligraphy writing instead.

'I'm coming home soon.' The message read and I checked the date; it was sent a bit over 4 days ago.

I kiss the letter and ran from Tai's room back to mine and, putting away the letter in a special drawer, jumped onto my bed and hugged one of my pillows; thinking of how much warmer the sheets and mattress would be once Iroh came back to me.


"Pfuit!" Mira huffed when I told her of Iroh's letter.

"Why, Mira; what has gotten into you?" I asked as I poured her a fresh cup of tea.

I had given all of my servants, ladies in waiting, ushers and grooms the day off and Mira chose to have a casual chat with me.

"I say if he loves you as deeply as he claims to, he would've written something much more than just 4 words." Mira answered.

"But I showed you the last letter Iroh wrote me; he said he could barely eat nor sleep." I insisted.

"That's because he's probably busy bedding a number of flaky little Earth Kingdom ninnies!" Mira chuffed and I sighed; she always was skeptical about love; that was why she chose 'just sex' over marriage and never seemed to show interest in a man for more than a few weeks.

"Mira, why are you so negative towards love?" I sighed, biting into a piece of chocolate.

"Trust me, Yukihiya; that man has been at war for exactly 14 months and 23 days! And without sexual release, unless the boy is some virgin, but when a man has too MUCH sexual frustration! That is when those ninnies came in! Seven marriages, 5 of them ended in divorce because they of my husbands actually dared to sleep with someone from the Earth Kingdom! Do they not know that they will die sooner because those people probably have some disease?" Mira scoffed and I sighed; again with the 'my-bad-past-memories' stories.

"Mira, Iroh is different; you said so yourself." I pressed.

"Well any woman can change her mind and I've changed mine." Mira sniffed.

I looked her up and down over the rim of my teacup then put it down.

"Is the reason of your sudden bitterness have, by any chance, the fact that you yourself hasn't gotten laid in quite a while?" I asked her coolly.

She turned away from me, indignant as a child, and crossed her arms.

"I told you before, my lady Yukihiya; I can have any man I want. Age is only a number." She replied and I stifled in a laugh.

"Prove it." I dared, standing up.

She turned back to me and stared.

"I will bet to you…the diamond pin Iroh gave me that you cannot seduce Kuzon by the time my husband comes home." I told her and she looked shocked.

"But he's too busy pleasure seeking with young women and frittering away money for Mizuages, maybe like the romping husband of yours, to even notice anyone else!" Mira protested.

"But like you said, you can get any man you want." I threw her words back into her face.

Maybe this would provide me with some amusement to bide out the time, though I really didn't want to give up the diamond pin.

"Fine. By the time Iroh comes home." She replied, spitting on her hand and holding it out.

That was one of the many disgusting habits I could never stop cringing at when Mira did them. Forcing it out, I spat on my hand and shook hers.

As soon as she was out of sight, I grabbed the teapot and dumped the rest of the hot liquid on my hand


Some mornings after Mira had scarcely seen Kuzon, I called for her to accompany me to break my fast with the rest of my In-Laws.

As I sat down, Mira uncomfortably shot occasional glances at Kuzon and I always choked on my meal whenever she would shift away from him, even though they were on near opposite ends of the low table. Mercifully, I stood up and excused myself and Mira and ceaselessly taunted her about the bet and how the great and mighty, and my oh-so brazen, and still lusty servant was so uncomfortable in the presence of a man she was trying to seduce in the first place.

"You may go now, Mira." I told her politely and she scuttled away.

"Mother?" Tai asked. I always told him not to call me by my royal title; it seemed too formal. I turned to my little boy, smiling at him.

"Good morrow, my son." I said to him; taking his outstretched hand.

"I'm going to play; would you like to come?" he offered; knowing my liking in children's games.

"Not today, little one. Is that alright?" I asked and he nodded; walking down the hall and descending the spiral staircase that lead to the door to the courtyard.

I clucked my tongue and envied that childish naïve behavior that permitted my son to be so ignorant of the world around him, yet know when something is troubling. I decided to tell Mira that the challenge was off; she was clearly uncomfortable and I didn't want to be so much of a nuisance just to hold out on a challenge that I barely insinuated.

"Going somewhere?" a voice boomed out from behind me.

I had grown accustomed to that snap of loud authority; the sneer, the bawdiness, the entire tone that Ozai used with me whenever we would talk. I turned and crossed my arms; staring back at him defiantly.

"Have you come to wreck my day?" I asked sarcastically.

He tilted his head to one side, a gesture Iroh did many times to try and get me into agreeing to something and it made him look seductive and handsome, but it only made Ozai look more repulsive than ever.

"Questioning." His only word response. I raised an eyebrow (that dratted habit, I called over and over again) at him.

"Oh?" I asked, uninterested.

"How can you have so much faith in my brother? He won't be faithful to only you; he will become the crown prince and loves the art of flirting. I know my brother." Ozai said.

"As I know my husband." I replied icily to him. He came closer to me, closer than what courtesy would respect, and took my hand.

"Who do you think he is?" he asked me softly.

"A man who showed me a better side of life." I told him; yanking my hand away.

"And what if a younger woman comes along?" he asked me.

"He would not take fancy in her." I replied carelessly.

There were girls over a decade younger than I was and more beautiful in the Fire Nation way than I was but Iroh never made a second glance at them.

"What if you fall? What if you're dismissed from your position as his consort? What'll you do then?" Ozai asked me.

I narrowed my eyes; why was he asking me all of these questions?

"He wouldn't, but if it is that case, I'll leave." I replied. Ozai tilted his head slightly at my comment.

"To a whorehouse?" he replied dryly. I glared daggers at him.

"Why are you asking me these?" I asked him coldly.

"If you fall, you need a safety net." Ozai said simply.

"I have one." I told him; thinking of all of the servants I'd befriended. Maybe I could work as a serving woman if my title was ever cut away and wouldn't have to go back to that hell I was supposed to call my home in the Northern Water Tribe, not that I could ever return there anyways.

He grabbed my wrists roughly; pulling me against him and for a second I thought he was going to violate me. Within another second, though I'd remembered that I was 'different' and even Ozai had standards.

"Why would you limit yourself on one person?" he asked me. I yanked myself free.

"He is my husband. I love him and will keep my faith in him." I snapped; knowing what he was referring to when he said why I would limit myself to only one person, though I was more than appalled by the invitation clumsily hidden in his suggestion.

"You're most likely the only. Many husbands don't keep their faith; sometimes even send their own wives to other men just for power." Ozai told me with a laugh.

"What are you suggesting?" I spat at him. He smiled seemingly viciously at me.

"I can guarantee your future here." He told me.

I noted that he was seemingly very cocky and arrogant on himself.

"I have honor. And if I fall, I will accept it and find a new life." I retorted.

He came forth to me again; making a motion to grab me, but I backed away from him and pushed him aggressively away.

"Ozai, I do not know what you're doing or planning--" I glared at him before continuing. "--but it will not work."

"We're alone in the Palace right now so you can say what you want and nothing will ever get out." He told me breezily. Before I could retort, I felt him grab me again, this time I was completely off guard and found myself slammed into a wall with Ozai dangerously close to me; his left hand pinning both of mine to my chest and his other hand on my hip.

I was about to fight back when, as if by spiritual intervention, there were sudden cheers coming from the main entrance of the palace.

I bolted down the hall; straightening my robes for any wrinkles or rumples in case anyone would notice. Once on the stairs I saw Iroh leading a small entourage. He was alive!

Running down the stairs as fast as I could, I went to meet him; crying out in joy at seeing him again. It'd been over a year since I'd last seen him and I'd missed him dearly.

He turned to me, his grown out hair flipping as he did so, and smiled; holding out his arms for me. I ran into them; taking his head and pressing my lips into his deeply and remembering his kiss. When I pulled away and he put me down, he smiled; his arm still around my waist and a small smile on his features.

"Come to your chambers. I have a bath already heated and have requested for your favorite foods to be sent when it is dinnertime." I told him. He smiled at me.

"Must you always spoil me?" he asked jokingly. I only kissed his, still soft and smooth, lips again.

"I am your spouse; I'm supposed to spoil you." I stated and Iroh smiled.

"Fine by me." he said with a smile. I laughed as he swept past his brother with only a wave of acknowledgement, I followed, went into his inner chambers, threw me down on the bed, and took me for the first time in over a year


I'll agree with Mira about the sexual frustration part, but I not about Iroh getting rid of it with another woman.

I guess reunion intimacy for men in the Fire Nation is near crucial to them. I opened the curtains of his window slightly and sighed; the sun had rose hours ago and it was time to wake up. I dressed, a few of my clothes were in his rooms and some of his were in mine, and tried to think of another way to wake him up besides shaking him, which I knew he didn't like Slowly, I turn him over and plant a light kiss on his lower lip.

His mouth stirs below mine and I began to press my lips harder onto his. His hand traced a path from my naked arm to the shoulder where the pin of my tunic was and opened his eyes, sitting up.

"You're fully dressed." He remarked.

"It's time to wake up; the sun has already risen hours ago." I said; crossing my legs as I tried to comb out my hair with the brush on his nightstand.

"Why didn't you wake me up earlier?" he complained, stretching himself in the morning sun. I straightened my hair and stared at him.

"And why would I do that? You need your rest." I told him.

I had always been a person concerned for his health, especially when I saw him in the army and he would leap from ship to ship if they were close enough and I wanted him to always be fully rested.

"Yes, but next time, wake me up earlier. I've just come home from war after little over a year, for Agni's sake! I doubt you'd be brought to a climax just dreaming about me." He said and I laughed; carelessly flinging him his clothes.

"Koi, I promise you; there will be more time tonight. We have all the time in the world." I whispered and laughed as he pulled me against him.

As he pulled away, he groaned. I detected slight pain in his tone and it concerned me.

"Are you well?" I asked; he did look even paler than usual to me.

"Desire, Yukihiya. Go to the chapel now. Pray that our time alone can be earlier than expected." He said huskily and I nodded; slipping away.

The creak of his shutting door still did not block out the sound of Iroh's groan of pain and the all-too-well known sound of him collapsing on his bed.


As I returned from chapel, I found a small crowd gathering at the door to Iroh's chambers.

A gray-clad man pushed his way out and noticed me. His appearance said nothing; he had a smooth face despite that the wrinkles near his forehead and corners of his eyes indicated that he was most likely in his late thirties or early forties, eyes that shown of wisdom knowledge, a long nose looking as if once in his life it had been bludgeoned, and thin lips, but judging by his clothes and the fact that he was carrying a syringe indicated that he was either a physician or an assistant.

"Your husband has fallen ill." He told me and beckoned me to follow him into the crowd.

It took a moment for those words to sink in, but when they did, I hurriedly followed him.

It was the most heart-wrenching sight for me; Iroh was at the center, pale and a layer of sweat over his skin, and groaning while black-clad physicians surrounded him. When I was ill with that strange disease shortly after the Assault on the North, I vaguely remember seeing black shadow-like illusions which, of course, I thought was a hallucination and tried to fight them.

One of the physicians noticed me drawing close to him and held his hand, palm out, to stop me.

"He's ill from a strange infection; it's best that you are not so close to him." He said rapidly in Heiwen. Doctors also had to learn Heiwen back in the day so they could communicate secretly without many Fire Nation commoners overhearing what they truly said; just in case.

A slight change in the direction of the flame indicates someone running away from the hall; most likely to spread the news that Iroh has fallen ill.


Each day from then on, I went into the old chapel, kneeled at the altar, and began to pray. I was never a woman of faith, I believed that everything happened for some reason or another and there was no such thing as the gods cursing someone nor were there such miracles, but if praying would save Iroh from death, I did it.

Divine Agni, I prayed, spare my husband. I will gladly forfeit my own life to assure that he survives; he has so much to live for.

When there were no more prayers I could think of, I continued Iroh and my deities, and then sat on my window ledge; staring out and thinking about what Iroh and I had in plan for the Fire Nation once we were the monarchs.


"Please, my lady. You must eat." Li begged me, holding a silver spoon full of stew to my lips as if I were a child.

I could barely even pass Iroh's chambers without wanting to burst into tears, I rarely even went anywhere save for council as my duty calls for, outside occasionally with Tai; even Turato noticed that I was not my usual self, to the chapel, and my chambers. I stared at my serving-maid and turned away from the spoon.

"What's the point of gluttony when a person cannot even stomach water?" I snapped.

Li bowed in resignation.

"Kuzon and Azulon have requested for an audience with you; come to the Eastern Pagoda." She told me as a faithful messenger would have.

I nodded and she, taking the hint, went from my chambers.

I dragged myself up and dressed in a black yukata with sakura petal designs cascading from the waistline. I dare not wear white anymore, for it was the color of mourning here in the Fire Nation, and the last thing I'd wanted to do was make it seem like I already thought Iroh was dead.

Each step I took outside felt heavy and the world around me seemed to vanish. The sunlight beat against my crimson-inked hair and my dark robe grew warmer, but I paid no heed. What did they want now?

'Probably for me to make Iroh's will, favoring them.' I thought bitterly.

Every time a person died, it was also their spouse's duty, since they are the closest person to the deceased, to make his will. If the man has no wife, then it is turned over to his father, if his father is deceased, then it's his mother, if his mother is also dead, then it goes to some other relative; uncle, cousin, sibling, and if the casualty is an orphan, it is up to their legal guardian or whoever claims right over them.

After making my reverences, they bid me to sit down and poured me a bit of tea. Strangely, the beverage I once loved tasted bitter again. Nonetheless, I drained the tea and ate a few of the candies set out without a word. Ozai, I noted with a grimace, was also present.

"We are very sorry for your pain that your husband, and a member of our family, has fallen ill." Azulon said.

To me, it was a practiced line. Bastards. I doubted any of them cared as long as there was someone else to succeed them in the royal linage. Instead of verbally objecting, I only nodded and tried to control myself as much as possible.

"There is a law in the Fire Nation that will help you if he dies." he continued.

I don't believe that for a second; that Iroh would die, I mean. He has always been healthy and loved the outdoors. He must've built immunity to many diseases from the Earth Kingdom and when sailing the oceans as well as to the Fire Nation after all of time he's spent there.

"What is the law?" I asked obediently to Kuzon; not daring to look at Azulon nor Ozai.

"It is law that if a married man dies, his widow weds a male relative of his family. Since the closest relative to the deceased man is a brother, if Iroh dies, you are to be betrothed and wed to Ozai." Kuzon finished.

When the last "I am surprised." I said, trying to keep all emotions out of my voice. I abruptly rose up and bowed to my in-laws.

"Excuse me; I am late for one of my lessons." I said politely; knowing all too well that Mira was teaching a dancing class to young children in the outskirts of the city today.

The moment the palace door closed behind me, I dashed up stairs, turning hallways, running long lengths up and down hallways, never ceasing until I reached the medical wing. Bursting through the door, I saw nearly an entire crowd surrounded Iroh.

"Leave." I ordered them all.

Knowing better than to object Royalty, even though I was only Iroh's spouse, they all left and the last one shut the doors behind them. I spotted a chair besides Iroh's bed and sat down on it. I took his hand and gripped it as I, for the first time ever since I found out that I could not fight in battle anymore, broke down.

"Iroh, wake up. Stand up and walk again; live. Please. You have so much reason to do so. You have me and your son; you have a throne to look forward to; you have so much to live for and so much to give." I choked; unable to go on.

'Come back to me, Iroh. Come back to me.' I begged his sleeping form. In my heart, I knew it was all up to him; no matter how much I pleaded for him to return.

The strange infection of his body was battling against his mind; if he did not have the will to live, he would surely die and the worst part for me was that I could not do anything about it.


In time, Iroh became my unbeknownst confessor.

At night, I would come into the medical room and admit only to him what I was on my mind and pleading for him to keep fighting the disease because I could not bear my life here without him. It was my only haven, save for when I was with Ane, Lo, Li, or Mira and talking to them, or when I was tending to my son.

Tai was old enough to know what was happening; he was already 6 after all and no longer naïve to the world around him. He went to the chapel to pray, as did I many times of the day and accompanied me to visit Iroh.

I usually was accompanied by one of my ladies or one of Tai's caretakers so that they could take him away and Iroh and I were truly alone. Of course, the walls of the Fire Palace have ears and the ears have mouths, and the mouths speak of what is occurring, so I half expected the walls to collapse because of all of the ears pressed against it.

Many times I fell asleep sitting on the chair next to Iroh's bed and then in the morning, someone seemed to have carried me back to my bedchamber, undressed and redressed me in a nightgown, and exit without even a hint who. At that time, I did not care; all of my thoughts and worries were on the laws of widowed women and my marriage to Ozai if Iroh did not get better, and of my husband himself.

Scenarios of my marriage to Ozai, mainly the ones involving torture, blasted through my mind and I would repeatedly throw my head against the cold walls and many of the times, Ane, Lo, Li, or Mira would have to restrain myself. Sometimes, it took all of them and even the help of some of my grooms to help them accomplish the task. After my episodes of madness desisted, I curled up into a ball and cry; like a child after a beating.

What was happening to me, I asked myself

I was becoming a woman I had feared the most, the kind of woman I swore I would never be. The woman who was mad over love, deranged over possible heartbreak, and fears to feel pain as it attacks from the inside.

Physical pain will leave scars, but even they would fade with time and fading pastes prepared for me by a healer.

I prayed for guidance, but each word that spilled from my lips when in prayer, I felt my hope continue to dim


"I need to go in; I'm sorry, little one." I said to a crestfallen Tai.

He didn't want me to go, but nodded anyway; thinking that I was making a regular schedule to go to his father and speak with him. Poor boy; I wept many times and hoped that he would understand if the most extreme of circumstances happened and I was forced to do something I would regret out of maternal affection.

The halls were empty, court and all of its festivities being postponed out of Iroh's illness (maybe Kuzon did care about Iroh, contrary to what I had previously assumed) and most of the people just shrunk into their chambers or ventured out occasionally around the gardens, in the hallways, in any place besides their chambers for a bit of pleasure-seeking.

The halls to my chambers were empty and I heard the loud sound my heeled shoes made as they hit the marble floor. I knew I did not clomp down the hallways like a person from the countryside would, maybe it was because the hall was so empty or my senses seemed to heighten for some reason, but it all just felt so empty to me.

"You shouldn't be wandering around like that." A voice behind me stated. I turned, seeing Ozai's face.

For the briefest moment, I thought I saw a smirk on his face, but as soon as he saw my eyes on him, he rearranged his face to be indistinct.

"Good day to you, then." I replied and walked away. He was following me again, I could tell by his footfall. Abruptly, I spun around again.

"Why are you following me?" I demanded. Ozai simply stared at me.

"I have to go that way too, twit." He snapped.

Inside the little infirmary, I sat down on the edge of Iroh's cot. It was strange how each time I would be near him, he would usually wake up.

"Death has not taken you?" I whispered softly, taking his hand and pressing my cheek against his fingertips. He weakly nodded and opened his eyes.

"Yuki—." He began, but his voice faltered.

"Shh—don't talk, you need to recover." I replied gently as I took the pot of cold water on the nightstand and held the spout to his mouth and poured in the chilled, clean water. When I took it away, he suddenly grasped my hand.

"I don't know…" he said, and I anxiously gripped his hand.

"You will." I insisted firmly and felt a chill as his head seemed to loll from side to side, as if shaking his head in disagreement.

"Obey me, Yukihiya; you swore to when we married." He whispered. I nodded.

"Of course." I'd thought about adding 'Anything' but decided to bite my tongue; that one word might've forced me into an extremely wretched situation.

"Marry him." His words startled me.

"Who?" I asked, the deep feeling in my mind that I already knew all too well who.

"Ozai. Be his wife, love him like you did me, and sit on the throne beside him when you two are coronated the sovereigns of the Fire Nation." He panted, his breath literally becoming dry and straining his throat.

I jumped off of the cot.

"No!"

"It's law." He whispered weakly.

"I detest him! And I love you!" He shook his head, as if about to say something, but seemed to think the better of saying it and looked at me.

"Please. I don't want you to be forced to leave the palace; I want you and Tai to be safe here." He said.

"Please, Iroh. No." I couldn't conceal the sobs in my speech; it was all too much.

"What is so bad about him?" he asked; watching me sob.

"What's so bad about him? How can you say that? How about what's actually good about him?" I asked in a strangely calm voice. Iroh sank lower into the bed, as if death had already claimed him, and I bit my lips to keep myself from screaming.

"He's just…misunderstood." He finally found the right word.

"How can you defend him like this?" I longed to shout this to him, but held my tongue.

Just then, the royal physician came in to check on Iroh.

"I know him, Yukihiya." He was reading my mind again.

"Iroh, I'm sorry; I don't mean to insult him, but..." I didn't need to say anymore.

"Promise me, love."

I turned to him; my face twisting into shock as the words sank in.

"No! I will come back…" I began.

"You must leave him now, Princess." The physician said gently and I continued to stare at Iroh.

"You—you will get better!"

Lo and Li came in and tried to pull me away.

"Please, Yukihiya. Promise me…" he said weakly; trying to lick his dry lips.

"No! Please, Iroh! No! Not him! Anyone but him!" I let my hysterics take over.

"Do it; please. I don't want to see—." Iroh broke off into a fit of coughing before he could finish the sentence.

"No! Why aren't you able to treat him?" I screamed, rounding on the doctor.

Lo and Li had nearly succeeded in dragging me out of the room; they were just approaching the doors, when it seemed that a miracle happened.

Iroh shot up from his bed, pushed away the pedestrian blocking his sight of me, and looked directly at me.

"Do it, Yukihiya! That's an order!" he nearly bellowed at me.

A thousand thoughts ran through my mind at that point ('No!' 'Koi! You are yourself again!' 'You will get better! You are already showing strength!' 'Why are you always defending Ozai?' 'Do you care nothing for me or Tai?' 'Why aren't you using that strength to fight your dis-ease?') but even as they all came flooding into mind, none of them penetrated my state of shock.

I had heard that tone before. Iroh had used it to defend me when my soldiers would tease me for my poor excuse for Firebending powers, he used it when he commanded his division of fleets and military, and he had used it when anyone first harassed or mocked me when I came to the Fire Palace though the exact people had seen my show of skills.

But he had never, in our time of acquaintance nor marriage use that tone on me.

When I couldn't grasp the Firebending he taught me, usually I was the one who screamed out of frustration and he would speak with me soothingly until I calmed down and he continued with his lesson. When I would lose my temper at him, he would snap at me occasionally but we would mostly make up before we'd even got to shouting.

But the tone, the assertive and commanding tone, he had never used before on me. My voice caught in my throat and my head suddenly felt too heavy for my body.

"As you command." I said. I bowed deeply; hiding my face within my hair. Iroh groaned, clutching his chest and nearly threw himself down on the cot.

The door to the medical hold closed and I pressed my cheek further into the cold stone; it offered some relief.

I was losing my husband, my love, my idol, and even he was saying that I should marry his brother.


At last, they'd given up.

I had been lying on my bed, crying. I was inconsolable, no matter how much everyone, even Tai, tried to pull me out of the somber mood. I turned over on my stomach; staring desolately out my window.

To this day, I still wonder why Iroh was acting that way; he'd never told me.

Mira and a handful of my other servants knew better than to leave me alone. However I inflicted pain on myself before, I got worse. It was as if I was possessed; multiple times, I tried to slit my wrists or throat and countless other times, I beat my head against the floor, chafing my forehead if the floor was rough, or screamed until I could barely whisper. My headaches became frequent and nightmares of my life if Iroh died plagued me on a nightly basis. Many times, I'd attempted to hack or tear out my hair, but I restrained myself out of the tradition that cutting one's hair was another sign for deep sorrow and to show that would mean I also assumed Iroh would die.

Despite all of my fits while drowning in madness, I still managed to pull enough of myself together to face court; Iroh and I had always said we would listen to the people and I needed to respect and carry on his wish.

But even the courtiers and representatives made it hard; each day, as they came in, some asked how fared my husband and others shook their heads, but barely—I knew they didn't want me to see their doubts—at my reply. A few others gave me a few words of consolidation but most of them came out wrong and as they were scrambling to put more words into sentences, I politely sent them away.

More than one time, a courageous or just plain arrogant courtier would propose for me to marry himself or one of his relatives.

And most of the time I would politely decline their offers, stating that I was still married at this time, if they worded it correctly and politely.

MOST of the time


"No." I said firmly to the man who tried yet again to convince me to marry him.

I still knew what I was to them—Iroh's soon-to-be widow, Iroh's prodigy, Kuzon's favorite in-law, a direct link to the Royal Family, Mother of Royalty, 'Princess of the Fire's Heart' as many others called me, the female War Hero, blessed by Agni,—and it was all I would be in their eyes; a path to power, fame, fortune, and popularity.

On the side note, being 'blessed by Agni' or any other god the people believe in was my case; in the case that when a person from a pure Earth Kingdom or Water Tribe family could be near impossibly gifted with a different bending power of its nation, the people believe that their god or goddess interfered with them while they were in their mother's womb and they were blessed souls who would bring great prosperity to the nation which accepts them for their bending power.

When I first found out about that tidbit of knowledge, I laughed out loud; I remembered what the people back in the Water Tribes called me—witch, cursed woman, sorceress, 'our' humiliation, abomination, and those were of the nicest I'd heard—and never thought that I was 'blessed' in my entire 2 years after I'd discovered my powers.

As I turned away from the man, he sneered the last words I would hear from him.

"Go on and marry that disgusting prince that your uncle-in-law set for you; you women all want only money and authority. Control freaks and gold digging sluts, the lot of you." He spat out the last part. I dug my grown-out nails into my palms and heard his footfall.

It was then I remembered Iroh's words; 'Thousands of nameless souls walk upon the earth; some still living, some not able to pass on. Don't be one of them.' He'd said that to me after I'd agreed to join the Fire Nation in their pursuit of global domination.

I whipped around, taking my husband's words in heart and tapped the man on his shoulder.

When he turned around, that insolent smirk on his face, I welled up my strength and punched him as hard as I could in the face. Fire flew from my raging fist and I smelt burnt flesh and hair.

My hand found his throat and I lunged forward, tackling him to the ground as I did so, and continued to beat the life out of him while screaming out the silent words that pounded within my head for nearly the week that had passed since Iroh had shouted at me.

By the time anyone even called the guards, or they might've come on their own accord after hearing me shout out many crude phrases, they found me kicking the man in the ribs with my steel tipped ankle boots, since my feet stopped growing approximately at the time I hung up my uniform I found no reason not to wear my boots often; besides they made a great way to ward off unwanted courtiers, and cracking a whip of concentrated fire over my head screaming "Say that again! I dare you to!"

I wore only a short tunic and short-cut pants to council so it gave me more room than a gown ever would.

A few bold guards came and restrained me while others stared at the man I was in the midst of thrashing.

"Bitch!" he screamed despite the blood and then turned to the guard.

"Did you see it? She attacked me!" he shouted

I snarled, ready to launch myself at him again, but the guards pulled me back. One of the other guards helped the injured man up and the man, though heavily bleeding and bruised, glared at me.

"I will get you banished for this! And that's not even the worst I'll do!" He was making an empty threat; Kuzon mainly doted on Iroh and myself, so I would just tell him that I was provoked by him when he said directly to my face that Iroh was going to die and I would be lucky if he would take me in and Kuzon would instantly take my side.

"You want to see the worst I'll do?" I shouted; breaking free from the guards' grip and tackling the man with one hand pushing his head backwards. As I began to beat his face in again, people rushed to separate us.

As a final mark, I grabbed a knife off of a tray some servant was carrying (I think it was a culinary knife) and plunged it between his legs, pulling it out quickly. I turned as that sleazebag screamed out and I dropped the knife; motioning for everyone to clear a path for me and then walked up the main stairwell.

As I reached the top, I turned to the shocked spectators.

"From this day forth, any man who dares to say any slander insulting women and I hear it, they will have to deal with me. That—" I pointed to the now whimpering, cowering, slobber-ninny whom I'd most likely castrated "—will be the outcome of those who dare to defy my orders and force my temper. If any of you dare to slander women insultingly, it is my wrath you shall all suffer." I declared as if I was the Fire Lord, then decided to spare the men who honestly weren't like the one I'd just mauled.

"I will also see to it that those of the accused and counter-accused must have a fair trial." After I'd added that, I turned and walked away; shaking the blood from my arm.

As I entered my chamber, a manservant was clearing away the rugs and as I took off my now bloodstained boots, he offered to take it to the shiner for me. I accepted and placed my bloody boots at the top of his dirty pile.

"Who'd you beat up this time?" Lo asked as she heated a ewer of water and held out a wet washcloth to me.

Unlike her twin sister, Li, she preferred to hear about my stories of war; every gory and bloody detail, and Li wanted me to tell her stories of how Iroh and my 'relationship' started from when he was training me. Though it did pain me to tell about how Iroh seemed to be everything to me, starting my new life and helping me every step I took, I still told her and it slightly lifted a few weights off of my heavy heart.

"Poisseu?" Lo questioned after I told her about the man.

"Yes; how do you know him?" I asked, wiping the last bit of blood from my leg and changing from my clothes.

"Um…I remember him." She stuttered. I knew now that when Lo, and Li, stuttered, it meant that they were uncomfortable so I abandoned the topic.

"Where is Li?" I asked, noting that her twin sister wasn't near her.

Lo suddenly jerked up, and the still distrusting side of my mind kicked in about her reasons of acting so strange and the fact that her twin sister was missing.

"I will look for her, my lady." She said hastily and skittered from my rooms.

'An affair?' I thought.

Li was always the kind of girl who wanted to flirt with a few of the highborn courtiers and if she knows she won't get anything, she'd walk away from the flirtation with all of her dignity intact.

At the time, I just shrugged it off and, taking a last look at the bloody clothes next to me, called for a servant to take them down to the laundry workers and began to read through a few more self-help books; this one about how to displace depression and hurt of losing a loved one.


"How is he?" I asked the physician again.

I knew I must've been annoying him, his forehead would always wrinkle whenever he was irritated or so, with my daily question but he had to answer anyway.

He turned to me, sighing.

"They say he's worse."


The entire court moved like ghosts for the next days; Iroh's dis-ease affecting them all.

Even Ozai was affected, even if it was positive for him. He was practically striding on the palace grounds, as if he would soon be the Fire Lord himself, and always sent that damned smug look at me and each time, I would've beat his insides out if not for the fact that too many people were watching. As hard as he tried, he could not throw Iroh into the background.

Each time I was near him, instead of physically hurting him, I would always speak of Iroh in a praising way and the look on his face was victory enough.

Many times, when I couldn't say anything, I would rant or take it out on my servants. They all knew I was beginning to descend into lunacy out of worry and grief for Iroh, also stark anger at Azulon and Kuzon for forcing me into marrying my hated brother-in-law, and most of them brought me effigies or other things to take out my frustration and anger on without harming actual people or, if it was a verbal shout-off, they would calmly talk to me (gods, I couldn't help but think about Iroh whenever they did that) until I would calm down.

Mira was especially enduring of my constant temper and sometimes I would even scream at her directly. When I was training with Iroh, if would complain and question him constantly and they mainly led to shouting matches in which I was too stubborn to admit I was in the wrong, even if I was.

We had our fair share of any kind fights, Iroh and I, which probably provoked Iroh's crew to start whispering about us in the first place, when we were younger and it seemed to bring us closer by the time we married. I guess I just wanted someone to snap back at me, just tell me I was out of hand for once and I would know they were telling the truth, and a few did but didn't sound convincing enough.

The children saw that something was wrong and some tried to cheer me up.

A few of the girls brought me flowers and I would construct from the flowers bits of pretend jewelry and crowns for them to wear, teaching them how to construct their own things from the wild floras did ease my tumultuous mind for a bit, and they would press me to go berry-hunting with them outside the palace, which I generally accepted. Tai and his other male friends would gather around me and beg me, just like Lo did, to tell them a story from my warring days. Girls sometimes listened too, but they would sometimes scream at when I would tell them of a bloody scene and grip the hand of the person next to them. It was cute in its childish form of way. Tenera would always sit there and listen; she wouldn't even flinch when I told of slitting a man's throat or something else equally gory and violent.

Tai, since Iroh was supposed to be his mentor and trainer, usually asked me to help him with his Firebending. He continued to progress, I was sure that he'd inherited Iroh's genes in sensational Firebending, and I felt a pang of sadness for him; his father might not even be around to see our son become a miniature version of him. Each time I walked with him, Tai always insisted on walking past the medical hold and asking the doctors how Iroh was.

Though it nearly killed me to ask, I did so to make up for my son's lack of knowledge in Heiwen.

It was a miracle that, they'd said, Iroh was still alive; the gods must favor him.

Sometimes, I would sneak a peek through the partially closed doors and my heart would lift when I saw that Iroh's eyes were open and he was speaking. I did feel bad about neglecting him, but I hoped that he would understand; our last encounter had scorned me, probably both of us, and I feared that if we spoke again, the tiff would happen again.

Tai, at the time I envied him, was bolder and went in time to time and greeted his father. I would only watch from the hall and wait until Iroh felt a spasm of his illness and Tai was forbidden to come closer to him.

As Tai came back out, I asked what they talked about.

Even my chibi onni knew that, despite how cleverly I was able to hide it and no matter what he and Iroh talked about, I felt left out regretful each time after Tai told me what they'd discussed but didn't have the heart to join him when he would go back to talk with his father.


I thanked Agni for sparing my husband for such a long time, five weeks, and for his mercy when it seemed that Iroh was recovering.

As I pressed the gold necklace holding Agni's 'emblem' to my heart, there was a knock on the doors to my chambers. My sight first met a bedraggled and slightly bruised Mira.

My concern grew for her; ever since Iroh was said to be ill and I'd beaten up that narcissistic idiot who was one of my many suitors, people got into fights often and it was all because of what I'd said.

Mira was known to be not only a servant, but also a teacher to me and some people who wanted to strike at me would usually target a servant; since I was married to the royal family, harming them in any way would've been too scandalous for anyone's reputation. Without a word, I let her into my chambers. She seemed to be holding news of something and I nodded, gesturing with a tilt of my hand, palm up, for her to speak. She took a breath and moments before she spoke.

"I was speaking with…him." Mira told me. I had forbidden anyone in my household to say 'Ozai' and associate his name with marriage, Iroh's death, or my supposed betrothal to him.

"And what did you speak to him about?" I asked calmly.

"You. And your upcoming marriage." She added softly, but I heard her.

"Iroh is not dead." I snapped as I felt a blow in my heart. She grew fairly uncomfortable under my gaze.

"Sit." I instructed; pointing to a cushion.

She took her seat and, sighing, began her tale.

"I spoke to him and he seemed to tense up at the prospect of you marrying him." No doubt he loathed the idea of marriage as much as I did and also was thinking of sadistic ways to rape me on 'our' wedding night.

"So he asked, 'how soon until Iroh is in the ground?' and I replied, 'doctors are saying that he will survive.'" I was relieved to hear that Iroh's condition was getting better. He narrowed his eyes before speaking to me again; he said 'We don't know if Doctors are just saying it. And besides; how do we not know something else might happen and he dies? What about Yukihiya?' he keeps asking about you. Do you know why, my lady?" she asked me.

I shook my head; not even I was able to come up with a reason why he constantly spoke to me.

"I simply replied, 'what about her? She swears that she will not remarry if Iroh dies.' And…he seemed to become irritated for some reason. 'I thought that she would be able to speak for herself instead of Iroh. I guess she doesn't have the intelligence of a lady here after all.'" I seemed to have shattered my teacup in my hand sometime between when Mira was telling the tale. I let go of the shards and beckoned for her to continue.

"That's when I shouted back to him, and...then he stood up and struck me." She indicated to a bruise and slight burn on her cheek and I cringed.

"What happened then?" I managed to ask.

"It was strange; he seemed to be angry for almost no reason besides the fact that I stood up to him and spoke greatly of Iroh. He only said this: 'If she wants anything more than what Iroh might've given her in the past, I can give her so much more; the fortune of the Fire Nation, the title of the Fire Lady, much more, and all she has to do is give me her hand! If she will not accept my suit, then let her accept it for the sake of her people and nation!'" Mira said. He dared to label me as disloyal because of my refusal to marry?

"Why did he seem to be so incensed with your statement?" I asked Mira. She thought for a minute then sighed.

"It's more of a reason with Iroh; Ozai has always wanted what he could not have. When Iroh had a toy, he wanted it as well and when Iroh gave it to him, he lost nearly all interest in it. The same most likely goes for you; you are Iroh's wife and mother to his son. You are happy with him and love him for who Iroh is, not what he has; and you are nearly the exact opposite of Hatsuhana, who only wanted power and authority." Mira replied.

"And after Iroh dies I get handed to him like unwanted leftovers and then what?" I spat.

"I am sorry, My Lady Yukihiya, but that is law." Mira reminded me. I sighed and focused on her bruise.

"Let's get some medicine for that burn." I said and, going to my cabinet, pulled out a bit of crushed and wet healing paste, sticky paper, and a small pad of gauze. As I was rubbing the tan-colored liquid onto her cheek, she found the courage to speak again.

"What shall I tell him if he requests a discussion with me again?" she hesitated and I did too; trying to find the right words.

"Please tell him that, yes, I remember when people would call out to me and said that I would be their Princess; always and forever more, but please request him to remember that when the people said it, they also said that Iroh would always be their Sovereign. And WE, Iroh and I, were the ones they acknowledged as the future Sovereigns of the Fire Nation." I carefully worded it and nodded as I placed the gauze over the burn and stuck it there with sticky paper.

Then, she seemed to remember something else.

"And Ozai—." She realized her mistake when I dug my free hand into her shoulder and hesitated a bit before speaking again. "—requests that you come to his birthday soiree." She finished and I let out a very unfeminine snort.

'I'd rather swallow live scorpions.' I thought. "I decline." I said.

"Actually, it's…mandatory; by the order of Azulon." Mira answered.


As a last attempt to not be swayed by Iroh's condition, I began to drink wine and brandy constantly to keep color in my cheek and lips.

Half the time I played with the children, I was drunk and I remember passing out one time and woke up on a seperate cot next to Iroh after I slept off the alcohol.

Once, I ran back to my chambers, a leather sack of brewed brandy-wine in my hands, and shoved the sack into Ane's hand.

"Hide it!" I desperately hissed and then turned to face the noble who followed me, a scented fan over my mouth to keep the scent of wine from reaching him. Though none of my servants told, everyone seemed to know.

I could not stop. I hated myself for forcing Tai to be the only responsible one. He knew his father was ill and that I was also suffering because of the laws in the Fire Nation. He'd started studying Fire Nation Civics when he was 6 and constantly begged for me to let him into the war room with me.

He also knew that his uncle might become his stepfather if Iroh dies and, as much as he also hated the idea, he was the 'good son' and bowed to Ozai out of courtesy each time he was addressed directly or indirectly by him or to him. I only wish it was that easy for me at that time as well.

"Thank you." I whispered to him on constant occasions when he saw that I was put to bed like I did when he was younger.

He nodded, said goodnight to me, and kissed me on the forehead. Just like I did to him when he was young. Thank the gods that he had a good heart.

He would've made a great monarch.


"Wow, Mother!" Tai exclaimed.

I admit, even I could not help but stare at myself from the full-sized portrait.

I'd placed the portrait in a glass frame gilded with gold to slow down the paper-decaying process and smiled at my son. I had posed for the portrait a bit after I was promoted to General.

In the portrait, I stood in a study room; my left hand was on a model globe that was resting on its stand, my right holding a sword in its sheath to symbolize power and domination. My entire costume was fashioned in black or a very dark red embroidered with gold thread; no important person had their portrait made while wearing drab clothing. I had my hair pulled back into a high ponytail and left some of the front hairs to stray around my face and wore the earrings Iroh gave me.

"Yes, Tai; that is me. Or at least, it was." I sighed at the memory when Iroh told me I could not fight anymore.

Being myself at that time, arrogance and biasness had gotten the best of me; I had foolishly underestimated my own abilities and also the abilities of my opponents.

"Where's father's?" Tai asked eagerly.

I laughed, taking his hand and then guiding him down a bit further down the portrait hall.

"I'm going to get MY portrait made when I'm as good as father and you." Tai promised.

I smiled; he was so ambitious and full of life.

"We can arrange that." I promised him.

Alas, that was the final good memory I'd had at the time span of Iroh's illness.

Each day from then on, I always saw Azulon and Ozai glare at me with the same flash of contempt in their eyes.

I took back my belief of the rumors considering his parentage; maybe Ozai really is Azulon's son


"What do you want?" I snapped edgily.

I'd received news from the doctor saying that Iroh's condition was baffling; he should've been getting better, but he always seemed to be getting worse after the doctors treat him and if they left Iroh untreated, he would also get worse. I, being suspicious, immediately suspected that someone was poisoning him; maybe through nourishment, maybe through the doctor's treatment, or something else, but I knew that someone was plotting to kill my husband. Fire Lord Kuzon grabbed my upper arm.

"Walk with me." he said simply and turned to go deeper into the bamboo garden path. I decided to just follow him, what other option did I have, and as we walked together, he began to try and engage in conversation with me.

"I know Azulon seems very bigoted and austere to you, but try to understand; he only wants what is best for his sons." Kuzon said and I bit back a laugh.

The day he'd told me that I would marry Ozai if Iroh died, later that night, he came to me and instructed me to quote, 'put a damn smile on your face and at least act like I am not some executioner.' I demanded how could he console himself at night when knowing that his own child was dying and all he wanted was to keep 'the state of affairs as they were'? How could he just let his children die like unwanted pawns? A cold smile flittered across his face as he told me that was what children were for.

"Of course he wants the best for his sons; he needs them to be his scapegoats." I said bitterly.

"Fool!" he shouted, striking me across the face.

I didn't notice that a crowd had gathered around the private garden and Kuzon obviously thought he needed to put on a show.

I inwardly rolled my eyes at him and stood up. He regarded me with cold eyes and a vacant expression.

"You are to attend Ozai's birthday dinner and sit at his side. Understood?" the Fire Lord demanded.

I nodded stiffly. He then left and I was left to walk from the crowd with as much dignity as I could muster. I broke into a run and, when I entered my room, Lo and Li were just playing cards.

"Hurry!" I panted, out of breath. They stood up hastily and bowed; then raising their heads in confusion.

"There is a dinner honoring Ozai's birthday; I am to appear." I explained and they nodded.

"What would you like to wear tonight, my lady?" Li asked.

"Anything, everything; the things that you two would never know me to wear." I requested.

They stared at me, then each other for a moment before bustling off. I was dressed in 4 layers of Kimono and a thick obi, the collars and outer robe heavily decorated, with white paint on my face, neck, and even hands, my eyes were lined with kohl, my lips were painted and my cheeks rouged. I let Lo painstakingly pull and pin my hair back into a tight momoban and fasten it with golden pins and a pin with cascading gold bells all on a certain lines. I vowed to never do that again; it would've been too painful. The silk was surprisingly heavy and I had a new respect for women who wore more than 1 Kimono from that experience on.

"You look unlike yourself, Madame." Lo said as she gave me a hand mirror.

It was true. I could not see myself, nor did I even see myself, in the reflection of molded and polished tin. "Let me go out." I said simply to mask my own pain. As I walked in the high-heeled shoes, the tinkling of my hair ornament was right next to my ears; very annoying.

When I entered, it seemed that the room silenced and whispers broke out at the same time. Kuzon, Azulon, and Ozai were probably the most surprised.

"Konbanwa." I said politely to them and sat on the bench meant for me.

"Konbanwa." Kuzon replied formally and turned away to chat with someone else, as if he hadn't whipped me in front of half the court just a few hours ago.

"You look very different tonight." Ozai told me quietly as I sat down. I already detected the haughtiness in his voice and refrained from rolling my eyes.

"Since I am to marry you soon, I might as well start to become the woman you want me to be; submissive, quiet, always dressed to show off, and never without makeup." I replied. It killed me to say it; this was everything Iroh had told me not to be.

If only you saw me then, Iroh; what would you have said about me and would you really have gone through all that trouble just to bring me back?

When the food was served, I pushed what was served on my plate around.

"You must think yourself to be much honored to attend my birthday feast, do you not, woman?" Ozai asked loudly and I barely blinked.

The metallic taste of blood from the side of my mouth flooded my taste and I continued to chew at the inside of my mouth to keep myself from screaming. Of course I wanted to throw him from the raised platform where the royals dined and scream profanities at him like there was no tomorrow, what woman in my lieu wouldn't?

"Honor is a term with varying opinions on what it means." I forced the words through my teeth and turned back to my barely eaten meal.

How much time passed, I know not, but the next thing I knew my hair felt pulled, then released and suddenly something was shattered over my newly loosened hair. I jumped up immediately feeling cold liquid splash down my back and my hair and clothes cling to my skin.

"What the—?" I began, then automatically turned to Ozai.

He had a pitcher in his hands and I tasted freshly brewed wine. Everyone's eyes were on me and I was about to scream out, but stopped. What was the point of screaming at anyone anymore?

"I wish to retire. Oyasuminasai." I said in a quiet voice and dragged myself away. I looked around the hall to make sure it was empty.

With a cry of rage, I drew back my fist and punched a solid marble pillar as hard as I could. The impact, with a little help from very hot fire, made a visible caldera in the pillar and I shook the bits of marble from my hand before returning to my chamber.

"Leave!" I snapped at the nearest servant and, before I even gave the man a chance to make his reverence, I grabbed him by his arm and shoulder-threw him out the way Iroh taught me to. The others took their chances and ran out; a few of them staring at my wine-soaked apparel.

Once they were gone, I honestly didn't care how far they went, I began to scream and rant like a distempered child would when he or she was denied something they wanted.

"Let's get you out of those kimonos first and then you can sleep it off." Mira, who has worked with thousands of spoiled prissy girls in her lifetime, advised me. "Take a bath; wash all of the wine and glass out of your hair and soothe your body, and then go to sleep."

It didn't take away the pain, so later that night; I slipped out of my chambers and went to the medical hold.

"I wonder if you can even hear me now, Iroh." I said softly; pressing his forearm against my chest.

"Please hold me." I whispered and fitted myself in his cataleptic embrace.

At that time, I cared not that I might've caught what disease he had and listened to his slow-beating heart and felt his breath on my head until I could not whisper my troubles to him anymore and let sleep take me away to another world; a world where Iroh was not ill and we were happy together once again.


"What?" I asked, glancing at the neatly folded piece of parchment in the guard's hand and then looked back at him.

It was the next day and, a bit after I settled a few politics in council and came back into my rooms to change clothes, the guard was there and he immediately told me that they'd gone through Iroh's things and found a letter addressed to me.

"How could you go through his things? He has not passed on!" I snapped, but my heart feared the worst as I seized the paper from his hand.

I hadn't seen my husband since yesterday and a session in council could've been long enough for Iroh to simply slip away. The guard presently in my chambers, not knowing what to say, bowed and left me on the balcony. I turned away, in case of prying eyes in the gardens, and stood under a gazebo-like part of the partial roof to read it.

On the front of the letter, my name was written in Iroh's neat character writing, but for my status, it said 'Consort of Prince Ozai' and my fears deepened; did rumors get to him?

With shaking hands, I peeled off the seal instead of breaking it and, placing it in a special box with my jewels, opened the letter and read in horror what was written from Iroh's hand.

Yukihiya

The past weeks have been a terror on myself and I doubt I can survive any longer. I think it would be best that I passed on and let you go as you please.

I know you will be bound to Ozai the minute my breath draws from my body and that you've screamed nonstop about your loathing of him, but please; give him a chance. If you know him like I do, then you would see why he acts that way. I know this may seem as a letter of betrayal to you and also you are going to think that I am to commit suicide by letting myself go, but please believe me; it is not what it seems. Nothing is ever what it seems.

When I was younger, all that was on my mind was pleasure-seeking and I'd thought that settling down with just one woman in my life was ridiculous—wouldn't that be boring, I thought—but now I cannot imagine the Fire Nation without you glorifying it, the army without you combating in it, or you by my side and I wake up next to you each morning.

There are so many more things I want to show you, more verses and songs I've written for you and wanted to recite them, and to once again see you with my child so we can learn to be parents again. I wish only that people had given us more time together…

Tears fell freely from my face as I read this; not only out of sadness, he was actually preparing for death, but out of anger. Why was Iroh always telling me to give Ozai a chance? He was a spawned and spoiled bastard!

There was a second page to it and, turning it over, I read quickly.

This may be my last chance to write this and tell you the truth.

Read this quickly and dispose of it as soon as you're finished. Once, when I was conscious, I heard a physician say something that sounded like "…by the order of the prince…" and he came towards me with a needle, most likely dipped in something.

I feigned sleep, fighting off the wince as he shoved it into my arm and pulled it out again. I felt numb and my body was shaking slightly at the same time, as if I had lost control of my bodily functions. It is most likely poison. But I cannot understand why my father would want to do this to me.

He is a botanist and specializes in what certain plants could do to peoples' bodies. But do not attack him; he is constantly suspicious of the people around him and would question why you wanted to attack him.

Destroy the paper; I have little time to live and even less strength, the poison works against me.

I will most likely be given the final needle during an event where there are no people around to see, Kuzon's anniversary ball would probably be the perfect time.

Keep your strength, Yukihiya and do not give in; do not give in to your thoughts of killing yourself, do not give in to Azulon or Kuzon's demands, whatever they might be, and, most importantly, never give in to the thought of giving up who you are. Adieu.

Forever yours,

Iroh

My hand shook as I clutched the letter and, following Iroh's orders, I burned the parchments ascertaining my knowledge and condemning my beloved husband.

A second after I swept the remaining ashes down my balcony, Lo burst through the door; carrying a bunch of stamps, emblems, and seals in her hand.

"I won't let you!" she screamed as guards stomped onto my balcony.

"What is going on here?" I demanded of them, shaking my loose hair from my face and crossing my arms. In my open red yukata embroidered with dark grey stitching and peach under dress showing with open toed cloth shoes, I did not look intimating, but they'd seen my sudden outburst of beating that suitor within inches of his life when he insulted me and that was enough to scare them.

"By order, we are required to take all of your emblems, seals, and stamps." The main guard said.

I grit my teeth; nearly all of 'my' seals were a combination of mine and Iroh's, it was the sole reason they were after them.

"And by my royal order, you are to leave the stamps, seals, and emblems alone and not bother my household anymore about them." I said to them calmly.

"But—!" the guard began, and I shot a beam of lightning at him. He ducked, and it shut him up.

"By my Royal orders." I said coldly and the guard begrudgingly turned and left with his company.

I took the things from Lo and placed them in a steel box; prying loose a hidden hollow in the wall, shoved the box inside and closed it again.

"You are ordered not to tell anyone about this." I whispered and my servant nodded.

Azulon burst in and tried to stare me down.

"I was told you disobeyed my guards' order." He said stiffly to me.

I turned to face him fully, though he was taller than me by at least two heads, and crossed my arms.

"Why, might I ask, are you calling back all of my seals, emblems, and stamps?" I demanded bluntly.

It was as if Ozai had been cued to come from behind his father's back and face me.

"They are actually my orders; I will not have my future wife carry a seal with her dead husband on it." He said.

"I refuse to give them up." I snapped back at him. How dare he? All he'd ever done since I met him was throw around his weight; he was despicable.

He narrowed his eyes and opened his mouth, but Azulon stopped him.

"Keep them; it's not like they would bring Iroh out of his illness." Azulon told me and walked away.

I glared venomously at Ozai, years of practice helped me perfect it, and he left a bit afterwards.

"My lady, you are too stressed for the time being; you should go to sleep." Lo suggested as she turned to me.

I shrugged, but then noticed a few of my unused wax sealers.

I couldn't believe I had been so stupid.

Every member of the royal family had to have their own personal seal.


"Ozai." I called, running a bit faster to catch up to him.

It was a day after the scene on the balcony and it was still unbearable for me to think of Iroh. Maybe the letter was forged, there was no way Iroh would've prepared for death when he had such a zest for life, but I doubt anyone would write what he did on that second page.

He turned, a bit surprised, then I saw that smug look on his face again and resisted from smacking it off when I caught up to him. With restraint, I curtseyed and tried my best to make my smile seem beguiling.

"Yes?" he asked aridly.

"I…I was speaking to my ladies, and Kuzon, and I…will consent to our marriage." I said; my stomach giving a violent lurch.

I dare not look him in the face for obvious reasons and scanned his fingers; the ring on the middle finger of his right hand. There was the seal. I knew this would come as a huge blow to my reputation and dignity, but it would all be worth it; I took Ozai's right hand, making sure to cover the ring, and smiled up at him. Really, I was pressing a wax sealer upon his ring with the palm of my hand.

"Would you like to keep that?" he asked suddenly and I stared at him.

"The ring." He specified and I discreetly peeled off the wax sealer while making it look like I was toying with it.

"It is fine." I replied; turning to go.

Suddenly, he tugged at my wrist and, turning me forcefully, slapped his wet lips against mine. It was like being sucked on by a fish; horrible, wet, and very sloppy. It took all of my strength not to bite down on his tongue when he shoved it into my mouth, and I nearly wrecked the forged wax seal when I clenched my fists to keep from screaming or pulling away.

It was Iroh and his soft and practiced kisses I longed for; not that mess of drool and gods knew what else.

As he pulled away, I bowed low and had to watch my step; sure that I didn't seem like I was running.

When I came back into my chambers, I spat out all of his kiss that I could and proceeded to wash my mouth in alcohol to take away the disgusting taste.

I look at my left palm; the seal was still intact and not melted. I wrote a brief letter to the doctor attending to Iroh, making sure to mimic Ozai's writing as much as I could, and then folded the paper and placed the seal over it.

I paid an anonymous messenger to take it to the doctor and waited. Mira had taught me many things, but my teachings were not limited to only courtesan education with her.

Days passed and Kuzon's anniversary gala approached. The entire palace seemed to be in better spirits while I put on a fake show of myself and helped with the decisions, but still I waited with daily increasing anxiety for the reply with the letter I sent.

What if the doctor saw that it was a fake? What if he told Ozai and what if he was actually smart enough to figure out how I did it? What would become of me then? And what about Tai?

At last, a reply came.

The letter was fairly long for some reason, I'd thought, and I quickly opened it and read the contents.

My eyes widened and I nearly collapsed out of shock.

Out of all things he'd done, how, and why, would he have brought himself to do this?


The dancing and extraordinary richness of the costumes astounded me; we were celebrating the anniversary of Kuzon's Coronation, but I did not take notice.

The doctor's note was ringing over and over in my head. How could Ozai be capable of committing such a heinous crime? Iroh never did anything to him; he never treated Ozai with anything other than respect and kindness!

Venomous words rang through my head as I made my way through the crowds of dancers. My eyes were set in a mask of blue steel. My hair, now the tips being dyed red instead of blue due to the shortage of indigo ink, was knotted in a bun and my face was painted with makeup like it was in the earlier day. My dress, torn because of my constant need to slash and tear something with my knife out of grief, trailed in a frenzy of bloody crimson around myself.

As I saw Ozai and approached him, my rage grew.

Some advisor came besides me and began to stutter while trying to say something and, for the first time since I came to this nation, I turned my back on the people. Rounding on him, I turned and he stopped at the mad glint in my eye.

"Can you go and bother someone else for a change? I will listen to the people, but I will listen to them to only an extent to when they begin to irk me." I hissed dangerously.

The advisor scurried away, and I turned back to Ozai; my pace increasing while lightning and blue fire began to form at my hands.

He was dancing with another woman and the woman already looked uncomfortable, so I thought I was doing her a favor. When he saw me, he nearly threw his dance partner into the crowds and turned to me with a sadistic smirk.

"There you are, my future wife." He said casually. At those words, I lost all control.

With a strangled cry of rage, I shot the white blast of fireat him. He flew a good distance before landing on the ground and skit a few feet as well.

"Murderer!" I shrieked at him, tears now falling over in my eyes. He pushed himself up to look at me. I pointed to him with a shaky finger.

"I wrote to him! I wrote to that doctor! In your seal! I asked how fared Iroh and his treatment! You were poisoning him!" I shouted in rage, shoving my hand into my pocket and pulling out sheets of parchment and 2 vials. "And here are the letters to prove it! You bastard! You coward!"

"And then he talked about payment!" I raised my voice to a new high. Everyone was staring at me, even Kuzon, who was about to take a woman into his chambers.

"Half of my widow's fortune and my son in exchange for murdering my husband?" I was on the verge of a new set of hysterics.

"You wouldn't have cared if he'd died or anything happened to me; you wouldn't care less if I was half mad and infested with the pox, just as long as I was still alive! Just as long as you received what fortune and power I have; you and Azulon both! Either of you give a shit for Iroh! What compelled you to hate him so much while all he did was treat you with respect and equality?" I throw back my head at those words to keep myself from screaming at him.

Guards had come in because of the screaming and Ozai stood up; thinking he had the power of the guards on his side.

I screamed as they came at me and thrashed, attacked, and resisted wildly.

In the end, they restrained me forced me into a bowed position. My hair now flew wildly and messily around my face and I felt some makeup sliding off because of my sweat and tears.

"Now, Yukihiya; you've been under too much stress. I do not know where that document came from, or how my seal got on it, but I can tell you that it isn't mine. These guards will take you up to your chambers and you can—." He cried out in sharp pain as I lurched forth and bit at the hand when he attempted to cup my face.

I spat out the blood and, after shaking the guards off of me, stood up straight and faced him.

"You say you are in love with your husband. Why do you not lash out at me on his behalf and scream at me to stop the doctor?" Ozai asked me crudely; knowing he'd hit the mark.

I ceased struggling. "The doctor said that he would inject the last dosage even as we speak. If I wasn't such an impulsive fool, I could've saved him."

Without another word, I slipped out of the guards' grips and went over to the large double doors. Opening it, I ran out into the pouring rain.

As I ran, the rest of my hair seemed to have loosed up with the rain and the makeup I wore was battered off of my face in the storm. The torn dress slipped from my shoulder and only the black under dress was clinging to my wet body. My screams and cries were lost in the loud thunder and downpour.

Then, I saw the distant light; the chapel!

Like a spelled being, I ran towards the light and threw myself through the door. I felt the soft velvet of the rug under my nose and began to sob.

I heard the doors to the chapel close and something lean down. The scent of smoke and something else I could not place filled my nostrils as the mysterious person began to sort out my disarrayed hair. I turned sideways to steal a glance at maybe a hint of who this person was, but all I saw was something shining.

"It's alright, my child." A voice said gently; just like a heavenly father I'd never had, and I sighed.

"There is another way." the strange person whispered and placed next to my hand, a sheathed dagger. I regarded the steel blade encased in the carved stone and gold lining. I only stared at it for some time.

"Yes. Yes, thank—." I began, turning upward, but whom, or what, ever it was, it was gone.

I was now sure that I had gone mad, grieved and pushed over by my unhappiness, to the extent that I had begun to hallucinate.

The dagger was real and I was flesh and bone; a soul within a bodily shell that could easily be punctured by the cold steel blade.

I took the weapon and tucked under my robe; beneath the layer of silk I wore and kept it in place with my sash.

As I walked back in the rain, the dagger pressed itself against my breast, signaling that my haven was near, and I obeyed it. I saw the doors, I looked aside to find a dim light near the top floor; the floor the medical hold was in. I was a puppet; controlled by my insanity as I walked up the steps and opened the door.

My wet feet were the only sound slapping on the marble floor as I made my way past the guests; watching me. I mounted the stairs and, with a turn to my left, walked away.

I heard faint music resuming and I leaned against the door to the medical hold; feeling my heart seemingly slow, as if it was already anticipating death.

Good; it would be less painful, then.

The room was empty.

I peeled off my shoes, found a stray brown robe, removed the soaked clothes on my chilled skin, and clothed myself in only the sackcloth.

Keeping the knife near my left breast, I sat on the cot I knew Iroh had lay in during his hours of torment and trying to battle his illness.

'Aibou.' I thought, my mind already conceiving the worst possibility. I only sat there for such a time.

Just sat.

The long candles originally already lit and nearly halfway burnt soon became stubs that needed to be replaced and I continued to sit there, my head bowed and perfectly still.

Soon, I saw the dark rust-colored walls begin to meld in with the grey colored ceiling; adding to that were the specks of bright yellow and orange. The colors spun above my eyes; its distinction of color fading as they all swirled before me and...

All of a sudden, I felt my body be violently jerked. "Sit up! Give me your ring." Azulon said briskly.

I jumped up and attempted to run away, but Ozai grabbed my arm and, as I turned around, slapped me.

My taste buds detected the scent of blood and I pushed myself up again; this time, the dagger at hand and pointed at my neck.

"Come any closer, and I'll do it!" I shrieked at them.

My breath was choppy and my hand shook uneasily. Everyone only stared at me and that was my hint. I drew the dagger back and swiftly guided it to my throat. It wasn't quick enough.

A hand snatched at my wrist and wrestled the dagger from my grip.

"For goodness sake, Yukihiya; the Fire Nation has to make a new sheet of white linen if anyone ever spilled blood on one. Save those poor workers a bit of labor by not spilling your own." A voice told me.

My eyes shot open and, there in the flesh, was Iroh. My heart swelled with relief and joy as I tossed the dagger away and threw my arms around him; raining kisses along his face.

"You're alive!" I exclaimed as I clung to him tightly and sobbed out of joy.

"Of course I'm alive." He whispered softly and I looked up to make sure he wasn't an illusion.

"But—h—?" I began.

"I would never leave you or Tai; never." He whispered and I tightened my embrace around him; my heavy heart suddenly feeling light again at his words.

Kuzon, Azulon, Ozai, and the rest of the spectators sidled off; back to the ball or to their rooms.

"To think I nearly—." I whispered and choked back a sob at the thought of what could've been if Iroh had died.

Within a few days, Iroh was back to his usual health again and training so he would regain his physique.


"They cannot think of sending you to war! You just got better!" I shrieked when he told me the news.

"I do not have to go to war; I want to." He said simply and I dropped our barely budding argument.

I knew that I would've made the same decision, to go to war for honor, if I still could fight.

"At least take me with you." I requested and he shook his head yet again.

I told him that I'd gotten better; that I did not cough or experience any shortage of breath after heavy training, but he was still not swayed. I crossed my arms and stuck my tongue out at him as Tai would when I teased him and Iroh laughed.

"You've been around children for too long." He commented as he swung to his right and faced the people from the staircase.

"This time, when I come back, I'll get you a more suitable birthday present." He said with a smile and descended the stairs.

I had turned 25 sometime between the time lapse of Iroh's illness.

"Mama, can we go and play now?" Tai asked; tugging at my sleeve. I smiled down at my now 7 year old son.

"Of course." I said, scooping him up and lifting him high into the air; spinning him around

He gave a laugh of delight and I, with him in my arms, ran down the stairs and leapt out of the door that Iroh had exited.

It could've been worse
I assure you all; the next chapter will be much shorter. R'n'R, please.