Taka couldn't believe how much he missed having Akira around all the time. They were on break and Akira, with almost the entire soccer team, had gone away to a training camp. Sitting in the middle of his room late at night, razor in hand, he stared at the calender on the wall. Akira had drawn a heart on the day he'd be back and Taka had been crossing off the days until then. Three more days, he thought as he ran the blade over his skin.
Five days later he still hadn't heard anything from Akira and he knew that something was wrong. He made up his mind to go see Akira in the morning if he still hadn't called by then. The blade cut a little deeper than usual and Taka started to panic when he couldn't get the bleeding under control. He wrapped the towel around his waist and held a shirt against his leg as he carefully went to the kitchen to get an ice pack.
He made it back into his room without waking his aunt and pressed the ice over the wound. It took longer than he thought it should but Taka finally stopped the bleeding and bandaged his half numb leg. As exhausted as he was he knew he needed to clean up after his latest bout of stupidity. He dumped the ice water down the bathroom sink and took the towel and several bloodied shirts into the laundry room.
He managed to get his laundry done and scrub the blood from the bedroom floor without waking his aunt. If he so much as sneezed she was wide awake and checking to see if he had a fever. He cut himself and almost bled to death and she slept through his cleaning spree. Sighing, he poured himself another glass of juice before finally going to sleep.
The next morning dawn bright and clear, a perfect summer day complete with birds chirping. Taka groaned as the ray of sun shifted and glared into his eyes. Why couldn't the day have been overcast so he could sleep in? Slowly he dragged himself out of bed, wincing as his injured leg protested the movement. He mentally kicked himself, wondering how he was going to explain his limp.
After eating a quick breakfast he got dressed and tried to think of what he should say to Akira when he showed up at his boyfriends house unannounced. He was telling his aunt about going to see Akira when there was a knock at the front door. Taka answered it and was surprised to see Akira's mother standing there crying.
"Um, hi Mrs," was all he got out before the woman wrapped her arms around him and began weeping.
"What in the world?" his aunt asked.
"I-it's so, so aw-awful," Akira's mother sobbed.
"Why don't you come into the kitchen and I'll make you some tea?" Taka's aunt offered as she led the way.
"Th-thank you."
Over tea Akira's mother told them that the bus driving the soccer players back from the training camp had been in an accident. Several of the boys had been killed, including Kouyou, the captain and Akira's best friend. Akira had survived but one of his legs had been seriously enough injured that he would never play soccer again. Akira was awake now but he wasn't speaking to anyone and his mother was very worried about him.
Taka agreed to ride with her to the hospital and try to get Akira to talk to him. While he was worried about his boyfriend being injured and in the hospital he couldn't help but feel a little relieved to know why he hadn't called. He had been imagining Akira coming home and telling him he had been replaced or that he just wasn't interested any longer.
When he got to the hospital his stomach clenched as the whiteness of the place and the sterilized smells washed over him. When he had been in the hospital last year his entire life had changed. Not everything had changed for the better but a lot of it had, he realized. That in mind he decided that he would tell Akira the whole story about why he had moved to the city.
"Akira?" his mother called as she led Taka into a standard green and white room. "Look who's here to see you."
Akira turned his head towards the window, uninterested in having company.
"Hey," Taka said as he approached the bed.
Akira tensed up but refused to look at Taka.
"Why don't I give you two some privacy," Akira's mother said as she left the room, closing the door behind her.
"I'm sorry to hear about Kouyou. I know you guys were pretty close and he was a good person."
"He kissed me."
"What? When?"
"At camp, a couple of nights before we left."
"Oh, um."
"Yeah."
Several minutes passed in uncomfortable silence.
"Taka?"
"Akira?"
"I'm sorry. I was going to tell you when I got home that it was over between us. I told Kouyou I loved him but I had to tell you properly before we could be together."
"I, ah, I see. Then I'm really sorry he's gone."
Taka didn't stick around to hear any more, he couldn't. He ran out of the room, letting the door bang shut behind him, and continued running until he was outside. He took a scrap of paper from his pocket and scrawled a note telling Akira's mother he was taking a bus home and left it under the wiper of her car.
It wasn't long before Taka noticed that he was hopelessly lost. He had never been in this part of the city before and couldn't find a single bus stop. He couldn't even remember when he had last seen a shop or any place he could stop to ask for directions. The sound of children playing and laughing led him to a park a block over.
He found a bench far enough from the playground area that it wasn't occupied and sat down heavily on it. He pulled his knees to his chest and willed himself not to cry. How had he known something like that was going to happen? All along he had thought that being with Akira was too good to be true and he'd been right.
There wasn't anything good or right or happy left inside Taka after the attack. He was damaged goods and he knew it. Somehow Akira must have known it too and as soon as someone better had come along it was over. Not that he blamed Akira, he deserved somebody whole, somebody that could love him back. Taka didn't think he'd ever be able to love anybody again.
"Taka? Takanori, is that you?"
"Yuu?" he asked, lifting his head to look around.
"It is you! What are you doing here, I thought you lived on the other... Hey, what's the matter?"
"Oh, I was at the hospital visiting Akira."
"Akira's in the hospital? What happened?"
"Most of the soccer team went to this training camp for break. When they were coming back there was an accident."
"Holy shit! I think I heard about that but I had no idea it was kids from our school on the bus. They said that some of the people on the bus were killed didn't they?"
"Yeah, five of them, all from school died. Kouyou was one of them."
"Oh man. That really sucks. How's Akira? He's going to make it right?"
"He, um, he's got a broken leg and he's pretty bruised up. He won't be able to play soccer again though."
"Damn, that's gotta be worse than death for a guy like him. How's he holding up?"
"Well, his mom said he wouldn't talk to anybody but he talked to me a little when I was there."
"What'd he say?"
Taka looked away and took a few deep breaths before he spoke again. "He said it was over."
"He said what!? Look, I'm sure he's just confused about things right now. I mean, his best friend died and they told him he couldn't do the one thing in his life that he's best at. I'm sure he'll come around in a few days once everything sinks in."
"He won't change his mind," he said as the first tear escaped.
"He might surprise you," Yuu said as he wrapped Taka in a hug. "Down Kuma."
"You have a dog?" Taka half laughed as the large puppy jumped onto his lap and started licking him.
"He's a really late birthday present, I just got him yesterday. I think he likes you."
"He's so sweet," Taka said as he scratched behind Kuma's ears.
"He's just like a giant teddy bear, right? He really likes to have his belly rubbed like this," Yuu said as he reached between the boy and dog to demonstrate. "See, pure puppy bliss."
"Look at his tail go!" Taka exclaimed.
"Just don't let him hit you with it. I've already gotten whacked in the face by him a lot."
"What's going on here?" a voice that Taka dreaded hearing asked from behind them.
"Yutaka," Yuu said happily. "I finally got my birthday present!"
"You got your? Oh, right. The dog," Yutaka said as he looked the puppy and Taka over. "What's he doing here?"
"He was at the hospital. Remeber that accident with the bus on the news the other day? The soccer team from our school was on that bus," Yuu answered sadly.
"Oh, that's too bad," Yutaka replied. It was the first time Taka had heard him say anything nice.
"Akira was hurt badly enough that he won't be able to play soccer again and Kouyou, the captain, was one of the kids that was killed."
"Wow, that's tough," Yutaka said and gave Taka a sympathetic pat on the shoulder. "You were pretty good friends with him weren't you?"
"Yeah, he, uh, he was Akira's best friend," Taka mumbled. "I really need to get home though. If you guys could just point me in the direction of the nearest bus stop?"
Yuu pointed to the far side of the park and Taka said his goodbyes before the tears could come back. He didn't know what to think as he rode the bus across town. Akira had broken up with him and then Yutaka had actually been nice. He thought briefly that maybe the world was coming to an end. At home his aunt had hugged him, saying she had talked to Akira's mother hours ago.
That night Taka sat on the floor of his room and very slowly and carefully cut across his uninjured leg. Over and over again he traced fine lines into his skin and watched the tiny beads of crimson well up. He made as many cuts as he could without going too near the part that his boxers would cover.
It wasn't enough though. He unwound the bandage on his other leg and cut above and below the still unhealed cut from a few nights ago. It still wasn't enough to dull the pain in his chest. He wrapped both legs with bandages, cleaned and stored the razor, and put the towel in his hamper. He went to the kitchen to pour a glass of juice and noticed that his aunt had a bottle of vodka.
He shrugged and took a large glass from the cupboard. He poured a generous amount of alcohol in and filled the rest with juice. After sniffing it he took a tentative sip and decided that there was too much juice. He had drank almost half the bottle of vodka before he decided that it tasted right. Chugging down an entire large drink he began making his way to bed.
Several times he had to lean against the wall to keep from falling over and waking his aunt. He flopped onto his stomach on the bed and smiled somewhat crookedly to himself. He'd always wanted a dog but his father had said no ever time he asked. Maybe he could talk Auntie into letting him have a puppy.
He drifted off to sleep thinking about having a dog of his very own. A cute little doggie that would love him and wouldn't leave.
