Disclaimer: I do not own Avatar: The Last Airbender or all things associated with it.
A Coward's Deed
Year of the Bison-Year of the Shark
I was shocked stiff. Someone knew, someone knew, someone knew.
I gripped the table. Yuufu, I whispered, please forgive me.
I had met her when I was seventeen and at a rendezvous. I was sitting alone on a couch, intimidated by all of the high authority guests, when she came over and sat next to me; talking to me as if I were an old friend. She coaxed my responses out of me. "You do not have a mother?" She asked after I had talked about my status as an orphan. "Not...anymore." I replied uneasily. Yuufu reached around and pulled me into an embrace. "I'll be your mother." She was more than twenty years older than me, and gladly imparted her wisdom with me. I grew to love her as I had never done so with anyone before. She was a radiant, confident, and sagacious person whose life was still taking her places.
And I had killed her.
"Do you feel up for it?" Iroh asked, turning to me.
"Well, I...my leg..." I rubbed at the bandage. In truth, I did not want to go back.
"I'll go." Yuufu said. "It's another attack, isn't it?"
"Yuufu--." I began. She turned to me and smiled. "Don't worry, Yuki. I'll be back before dinner tomorrow night."
The next day, I ran out as the cart of the injured pulled into the camp. There was one body that was on its own table because it was bleeding and burnt so badly. To my horror, I realized that it was Yuufu's body. "She can't hear you." Iroh said when I tried to speak to her.
She was bedridden for months, and unconscious for most of it. When she awoke, I was there to tell her of the news. "You're going home." I said. "Nonsense." She replied, trying to get up. "Don't! The doctor said that you will damage your legs more." I told her that her left leg was almost lame, that she would need to lean on a cane at times, and that she had been formally discharged from the military. She sunk back into her cot, unresponsive to my words.
A few months later, Iroh and I went with her to take her home. When she arrived, her husband and five children embraced her and kissed her; welcoming her home. She said goodbye coldly and did not look back as the gates closed.
I visited her a few weeks afterward at her request. She welcomed us, and then took us into a room for tea. While the tea was being served, she began acting as if I did not exist and said statements that I never imagined that she would. At one point, she said that blue eyes were a sign of coldness, of hostility, and that gold eyes were better. I almost lost my temper when Yuufu turned to me and asked for me to meet her in her chamber a little bit before sunset, she wanted to know if I had brought it.
I did bring it.
"What did you do?" Iroh demanded as he ran up to the body. The blood was everywhere, on her clothes, on the carpet, on the feet of the chair, and more was spewing from her mouth.
"I--I--!" My vision looked dark, and I could barely see. Iroh noticed the vial on the table, grabbed it, and sniffed the end of its neck.
"You are the most wicked, manipulative--!" He could not even string together his words, and I did not blame him. I squeezed my eyes shut harder, and bit my lips to prevent my crying out. I opened my eyes when I heard slapping, and saw that he was slapping her cheeks. "
"Iroh, wait--!" I shouted, trying to push him away.
"Don't!" She shouted out. I immediately turned to her, grabbing her shoulders.
"I'm sorry--I'm sorry!" I whispered between my sobs.
"No. It's for the best, Yuki." She began to choke and convulse. I tried to turn her onto her side, but Iroh stopped me.
"If she wants this, it is her choice." He pulled me off of her and held me back. More choking sounds reached my ear, then a thud, and everything was quiet again.
"Listen to me." Iroh whispered, lifting my chin so that I would look at him. "She stole that from you when she saw it and then killed herself with it. It is not your fault." I wanted to scream 'Liar!' at him, but he shushed me. "It is not your fault. Scream now: the servants will come."
I screamed.
'It's all my fault, it's all my fault.' I thought. According to Iroh, she had planned to kill herself with me as a witness. The elixir that she had asked me to bring, he told me that she had almost died as a child when she drank it once. She had planned it all and used me as a pawn. I refused to believe him, asking why she would do such a thing when she was going back to a family that loved her? "Because she doesn't want to be loved by them." He tried to explain why Yuufu was unhappy, but that thought was lost to me. It remained, I thought, that I had killed her.
As Iroh and I descended the stairs, he squeezed my hand. "Don't shake: a princess is never guilty of any crime." he whispered.
But a murderer is. She was probably a servant, one who had seen my crime or heard Iroh and me talking. Or perhaps Yuufu's husband had told her on his deathbed; he became increasingly hostiile towards me after his wife's funeral and until his death.
"Who are you?" I envied Iroh's ability to speak steadily and camoflauge his emotions.
"I know the truth. I know about Horopito." She hissed.
I thought, 'What do you mean? He had nothing to do with it. Except that he was Yuufu's last lover.'
Horopito had been the fourth person in Iroh's, Yuufu's, and my group. He was the youngest of us all, two years younger than me shortly-cut ebony hair and lightly tanned skin blending perfectly with his copper-colored eyes. He was Iroh's protégé, and would often invent nicknames for everyone.
When we were both assigned to the city of Tsukeme, we forged a close relationship for survival. A little before that incident, I found out that he had been having a liaison with Yuufu. I asked them both why they were lovers when they both were married. Yuufu pulled me close. "You are such a good girl, Yuki. May the lucky bastard who wins your heart be worthy of you." It was all she said about it.
Years before, our (Iroh and mine) regiments of the army had been holding a siege on another city for close to three months and the city itself would not budge, for it was too prosperous even within its walls to have any reason to surrender.
In the end, the many leaders and also there said that the only way to get such a city to surrender was by poison and they formulated a plan. A soldier was to sneak behind the walls, create chaos, and eliminate as many food resources as he or she could. It was a surefire suicide mission.
To decide who was going to go on the mission, the leaders created a lottery system in which the leader of a regiment was chosen at random and the regiment leader chose one soldier of his or her regiment.
I won that lottery. The advisers continued to pressure me to send someone through the wall, but I made up every excuse that I could to avoid it.
On the seventh day we continued this argument, Horopito-kun stepped into the planning tent and volunteered.
Nothing deterred him, not even Iroh protesting against it, and he then slipped on his Fire Nation helmet—I hadn't noticed at the time that he wore his best uniform—and turned to go.
I went after him; unable to comprehend his sudden change of heart. He had always told anyone he knew that he wanted to live until he was older than Avatar Roku. "Life is too short; one must live it to the fullest. Eat, drink, be merry, and grow old!" It grew to become his saying and one of his only philosophical proverbs anyone has told him to say.
"Horopito-kun; why? I always remember you saying that you wanted to live out your life and grow old."
"I do. But there is no point in living it out if I am always alone." He told me.
"You are not alone. You have a wife pining for you." I reminded my friend.
"My wife? She is…barely a wife to me anymore. I was foolish to marry her. I had barely just turned sixteen summers and I married her on what I thought was love and convenience. She was twenty-and-one summers old and already bitter over many failed affairs with nobility. I do not know…how I could have loved her. She is too old." His eyes were looking far off.
"Yuufu was old enough to be your mother." I pointed out.
Horopito-kun stared at me for a moment, and then laughed.
"But you know what she is, and what I am." Even as he said those words with a joking tone, he looked sad. Oh that's right, I thought, Yuufu was married and had many other lovers.
"I…have to move; it is nearly nightfall." Those were his next to last words to me.
"Are you a relative or…?" The woman was incensed at my question.
"I was his wife!" she snarled.
"You married another man after his death." Iroh pointed out. He had taken care of all of his apprentice's loose ends after the funeral was over.
"Don't mention him!" she screeched at him; pointing a brittle-limbed and bony finger at my husband. "Horopito was a great man; all I ever wanted in my life! When we first married, we were so happy together. We had a little farm out in the countryside with animals and crops; a small house and a small living, but we were happy." Her voice was sing-song; a sign of reminiscing denial.
"But then came the day that the enlistments for the Fire Nation army came at our door. You were on the recruitment poster and Horopito, always the adventurer, was eager to sign up. I supported him and watched as he waved to me in his new uniform as he boarded the wagon that would take him to the training grounds. He would write to me constantly; telling me of his life in the army; especially his joy in meeting Prince Iroh and ecstatic mood when Iroh announced that he was willing to take Horopito as his protégé. He would always end the notes to me with words of love and endearment towards me. At the special ceremony, as he described in a letter, he met Iroh and yourself." Her voice took a coarse tone.
"The notes then changed; there were fewer words about the army. Rather, your exotic beauty and prodigal fighting skills poured through those letters! More and more, the endearments and promises of soon returning diminished until the conclusion of the letters said only 'your husband' and it didn't even seem that he took that vow seriously anymore! See!" she shouted; throwing a packet towards Iroh.
He picked it up, not taking his eyes off of her, and handed the letters for me to read. I undid the knot and began to read at the oldest-looking letters.
The first few letters dated over ten years ago in Horopito-kun's handwriting expressed his boyish eagerness to join the army and they were full of endearments and promises to come home soon to his dear wife, Anaya.
In the letter saying that he became Iroh's protégé, he described the ceremony in ten pages.
On the sixth page, I found a description of me.
"…instead of the gold or brown or any other shade in between, her eyes were blue, like the ocean. And her skin is a glowing brown: how strange for a woman who has never seen the sun's rays in the winter..."
I smiled despite the situation. He was a flowery writer. The rest of the letters did not describe me, as I saw, they described Yuufu. After he'd met me, he also met Yuufu and they began their liaison.
I was about to tell her that, but stopped; if she reacted in such a way when thinking that her dead husband had taken a lover three years younger than she, how would she have felt if she'd known that his real lover was over twenty years older than him?
His endings became more formal; as if he were writing to a comrade than his own wife. The last one he wrote was dated on the day he chose to go on the death mission; what could be called his suicide note.
Anaya-Fujin, (it read)
This will be my last letter to you. I have volunteered for a mission fraught with death and I know I will not make it out of such the city alive. But I do not die with regret, to the contrary, I die with pride; I am serving my country and my prince and will have victory. I ask of you to take this news as a prideful and honor-taught woman would; proud that I would die in battle with dignity and will be remembered.
I formally apologize for our last tiff and for running off so hastily, but I cannot let anyone insult my superiors in that way; even if you are my spouse.
But I still thank you; if we had not had our last fight, I would never have seen how mismatched we were. I am sorry for cajoling you in any sense that you would accept my proposal of marriage. We were both young when we did so; naïveté is part of being so youthful. I also implore for your forgiveness; if I had not proposed for you to marry me, you would have had a much better marriage with someone else.
We are so inequitable, are we not? For all of your life, you have wanted a small station and you wanted me to have a small station also. But you did not understand that when Prince Iroh took me as his protégé, I could not be small: from the moment I was bound to overreach myself. I wonder how we could have survived such our marriage; we were so different and we barely knew anything about each other. You would not talk of war, you said it makes you sick to think of such things, and would sometimes laugh or even scorn my ideas and topics. I realize that we are too mismatched and give my full consent to you if you wish for a divorce.
It is me who deserves the blame for everything. I had tried to deny who I was--what I was--so much and for so long that I could not see clearly. For this, I must go.
Goodbye.
Horopito
What happened, I wondered, to his flowery writing? To his poetry? To...everything?
"How could he…?" I murmured; noticing that Iroh had read the letter over my shoulder.
Anaya began to sob uncontrollably at my three words.
"Anaya-san—." I began.
"Horopito was in love with you!" But, he could not have been in love with me because, for four months, we hated each other.
The day after he was initiated into the army, he became openly hostile towards me. He would refuse to look at me when I tried to speak to him, try to separate me from any person who came near me, and insult--openly and insidiously--my words and suggestions. Iroh witnessed his behavior to me constantly, almost every time that Horopito-kun would do something hurtful, and said that he would talk to Horopito-kun about it, but I told him that this was my battle to fight.
I confronted him, demanding to know why he was treating me as less than human. Was it because of my skin, I asked, my eyes? "Neither." He replied tersely, looking to where Iroh and Yuufu were starting to come over to us. "Then why?" I tugged at his arm, making him look at me. By then, Iroh and Yuufu were at our sides, ready to separate us.
"You are lucky." He finally said. "You have everything. A life full of potential in front of you, friends at your side, him in your bed." He glanced at Iroh. I was about to vehemently deny the truth of his last statement, but then he walked off.
"I—why do you just now bring up his death? You could have confronted me years ago." I pointed out.
Her rage seemed to have returned.
"Why do it then, when no one would believe me? You were perfect, untouchable, back then! You always have been, but a bad side to your 'angelic' reputation has been building; people will believe me now!" she declared.
I glanced around the room; skeptical looks all about the courtiers.
"After Horopito died, I was married. My hateful husband couldn't stand me and I was forced to carry and deliver three children!" she spat in disgust.
I sighed; digging my hand into the pouch I strapped around my waist and felt something hard and thin in it.
That was strange; I had not put anything in there for a little over ten years.
I extracted it; it was a gold ring.
Anaya-Fujin gave a gasp; it took me a moment before I realized that it was Horopito-kun's wedding ring.
A bit before he had left, after he had said his words about his wife and how he was in love with someone else, he took the ring off of his finger, kissed it, and gave it to me. At the time, I thought he wanted me to give it to his wife or his family. Or perhaps to place it on Yuufu's grave.
I held it out and she snatched it immediately; not caring about court etiquette. She only stared at it; her bleary eyesight trying to make out and read the Heiwen characters inscribed on his ring. With a roar or rage, she tried to attack me but was once again unsuccessful.
"I was so happy with Horopito, but you took him away from me! Everyone praises you and thinks of you as a goddess; here is what I think of you!" She spat in my face.
After I ordered her removal, Iroh took out a handkerchief and wiped the wetness away.
"Do not listen to her; she is an ungrateful little catin." He looked calm, but his tone and eyes spoke volumes of his anger.
To my consternation, Anaya-fujin was actually right; people actually began to listen to her.
They said that I had seduced many men, and forced them to their suicides.
I denied it; asking them which one of us should they believe. With no more evidence for gossip, they began to try and find some other story: They began to claim that Iroh had committed infidelity.
The first one to tell me to my face was a servant. While she was serving me a small drink in my room, I wondered aloud where Iroh was.
The servant swore under her breath and I snapped at her that it was treason to speak in such a way of Royalty.
She regarded me with pity—I was sure it was pity—in her eyes and said: "Oh, my princess; I am sorry you have to learn this from me."
I asked what.
"Prince Iroh has been in the serving-women's chambers. Suna said that when she was in the bathing chambers, she glanced for a moment at the large laundry bag and saw someone staring back. She says that the peeper had bright gold eyes." She said with a tone and visage that did not make me fully believe her.
"What is your name?" I addressed the servant.
"Nisei, my lady." The woman was expecting a reward.
"Nisei. you had best not repeat such words. I will report you to the maintenance overseers if you do. Leave now, Dorei."
The woman looked shocked for a moment, but left without a word.
She did tell. Or the rumors had already spread like wildfire. I confronted Iroh a few nights later.
As always, I was happy to see him, but the rumors were still fresh in my mind. Some even went as far as saying that he had lain with men.
"Who have you slept with?" I asked when I felt him attempting to remove my chemise.
His actions ceased and he stared at me for a moment.
"That is all in my past, Yukihiya. Now, let us focus on the present and make a future." He replied; his hand lightly touching my belly as if he was patting it.
I swatted his hand away.
"I'm not one of your pets." I snapped at the action.
I wish that I had not acted that way to him: I was angry and confused, and most likely trying to take it out on someone else.
"You are not willing?" he asked softly; taking his hand away from my shoulder.
'Of course I am.' I wanted to say, but my lips would not move.
I only turned away from him and tucked myself into bed.
The next morning, I woke up alone.
Instead of brooding over that fact, which I probably would have done prior to that night, I swallowed my pride and called for a small bath.
When I went to break my fast that morning, I tried as hard as I could not to meet his gaze.
All throughout the day, I saw that many women gaze at me with a mix of pity, smugness, and ambition in their eyes.
They had heard the rumors and assumed that they were all true.
At the moment, so did I.
The months that passed afterward are now a blur in my mind; I remember observing another birthday—my twenty-ninth—and my son's tenth birthday, and Iroh's thirty-second.
I argued with Azulon and remember that Kuzon was suffering from a bout of ill-health at that time, Ozai was suprisingly quiet, and the monsoon season, once arriving, was a bit heavier than anticipated, but was good for the rice fields.
The rift between Iroh and myself became wider; he would usually go off to his own chambers at night, and I had much trouble sleeping.
I began to have many bouts of jealousy and almost thought about bursting into his chambers at night to see if he really did take a paramour.
Sometimes, I would catch him smiling at a girl of the court, or at least I think I saw him do so, and would gulp down the beverage closest to me.
Ozai was again making it much worse; feeding me more rumors that, even if they came from him, I actually began to believe.
Li snuck out more often at night, but then she suddenly stopped. Her behavior changed; she was often sick in the mornings and complaining that she was very tired and sore for some reason. She began to slack off and, to my surprise, Lo gladly took all of Li's responsibilities on her shoulders. Li began to eat more and seem to want to gain weight while I knew that for all of her life, Li had been obsessed with staying slim.
A few months after her nausea was gone and she could actually look at me, I confronted her about it.
I called for Lo as well. In my chamber, I scolded Li for being so slothful and Lo for being like a whipping-girl and demanded why Li would not do her daily chores.
Li, throughout the entire time, seemed to be glancing and rubbing her belly.
"Is something wrong, Li?" I asked her.
She seemed to jump upon hearing my voice and she stuttered much before I could get a coherent response from her.
"N-No. N-Nothing is wrong, my lady." She said quickly; her hands encircling her belly as if in fear I would strike her and the blow would go to her stomach and damage...
"Who is it?" I demanded.
Lo and Li both looked so scared.
"Wh-What are you talking about, my lady?" Li asked; her breathing becoming panicked.
"Your lover; the one who has gotten you pregnant." I noted her expression; pure fear.
She would clearly not speak up.
I grabbed and pinched the skin on her arm harshly until she yelped. The red marks, if I did it correctly, would temporarily scar her alabaster skin no matter how much she tried to cover it up.
She continued in being mendacious, refusing to tell me his name, and I continued to pinch and even slap her until she was near tears.
"Why do you defend him so?" I asked her after seeing all of the red marks she endured for his sake.
"I—I can't tell." She continuously shook her head.
I sighed; still not letting the subject go.
"I will have to kill the child if you do not; no one wants a bastard." I only said that I would kill a small child, but Li seemed to take it into heart.
She burst into sobs; blubbering and hiccuping as if no one else was in the room.
"It's Prince Iroh!" she finally broke down.
She could have sooner said that the Fire Nation had lost the war and every citizen was now a prisoner to the Earth Kingdom and my reaction to that would be a fraction to the shock that pulsated through me when she said those three words.
But, like many other women in love, I could not be angry with him; I was initially angry with Li.
A golden pomander on my nightstand came into my grasp and before I knew it, was hurled at Li; barely missing her head.
"GET OUT OF MY CHAMBER, YOU FILTHY SLUT!" I screeched; aiming a silver wineglass at her and her sister when they fled out of my chamber.
"How dare they? How dare he? That infidel! That hypocritical--!" I raged on with Mira still calmly regarding me.
"How dare SHE? That filthy whore!" I knew people would report what I said to Li herself and she would undoubtedly be hurt, but at the time I did not care about being on good terms with everyone.
Gods, this was exactly like the incident with Pakku and Naiya all those years ago! But this time, I was married to Iroh, I fell shamelessly and deeply in love with him so the pain was multiplied by tenfold, and he did not just give Li a kiss; she was pregnant.
"How will you ask Iroh about this without him becoming suspicious?" Mira asked and suddenly, my entire mood changed.
"Be blunt. Yell at him. Get the truth." I replied.
"But my lady—!" she began.
"But nothing! I may be a woman, but I am not a weak-constituted women! I will not be cuckolded and willingly turn the blind eye to his affairs!" I snapped back.
"He loves you." Mira said. I let out a snort.
"If he loved me, why did he not tell me about it? And don't try it; if he was under the influence of drink, he would have looked hung-over the next day or so; the alcohol, he claims, will make his lips blood red if he drinks too much of it and it gives him constant headaches." I replied.
"No matter, but he does love you." Mira repeated.
"Li is about five months pregnant; supposedly with his child. Who knows how many came after her? Or even…before?" I dreaded the thought.
I thought back to that night when I heard someone screaming in ecstasy and about Iroh leaving me in my bed early. And Yugoda was weeping about something when I found her and seconds before, I ran into Iroh…
'Oh, gods, I am a fool!' I thought; almost crying out myself.
"What about Iroh? Have you heard his side of the story?" Mira asked me quickly.
"No." I confessed.
"If he tries to play me with that 'I am a man' line, I will personally rip out his heart and mince it and send every single piece of it to all of his lemans." I grit my teeth and proceeded back to the palace; ignoring Mira's shouts and my own conscience.
I was tense with anger and nervousness when I met him and, though he smiled and greeted me warmly, I only replied with many cold and biting responses.
"Good day, husband." I said tersely.
He noted the change and dismissed his company.
"What is wrong, Yukihiya?" he asked me gently.
"Li confessed to me something very interesting today." I noted that Iroh seemed to tense at the mention of Li's name.
"Do you remember, years ago, when we had our actual wedding ceremony?" I asked him.
A few months after the ceremony, Iroh insisted on us having an actual wedding ceremony—since just a bedding ceremony didn't mean much and didn't account to much at all—and of course we chose to do it outdoors. It went smoothly, and I could remember every vow the priest told us to say or read aloud to us.
"Of course I do; we were so happy." he smiled.
"And the part in the vows that stated infidelity was suggested against in the vows?" I demanded; angered by his aloof personality.
"I remember; I remember every word." He took my hands into his, but instead of feeling his warmth, I only felt myself becoming colder and sicker with dread.
"I wonder if you do." I mumbled to myself, and then put on a false smile.
"Thank you; good day." I told him and left before he could see my tears flow down.
"It cannot be true, my lady!" Ane exclaimed when I told her about it.
She and Mira were now my only two trusted servants and confidantes and I asked for them to meet me.
"It is." I remarked while collapsed on the marble bench.
"Well, a love child means nothing; you may banish it from court when it is born. You are to be his or her superior in every way and you have such a right to do so. She is your servant; it is entirely your decision." Mira rationalized.
I sighed; wishing that it was true.
"I doubt it. That child just might be the excuse he is looking for to get rid of me." I replied bitterly.
Mira and Ane looked horrified, but I knew that Ane was more horrified at what would happen to herself than what would happen to me if that really did happen.
"My lady—!" Mira began.
"Think about it; Li's child would not only be one of his heirs, but a pureblood—as many Fire Nation men have chosen to call children born strictly of two Fire Nation parents. Tai's claim to the throne, though legitimate, will be tainted because he bears my blue eyes and brown hair; a half Water Tribe appearance. When we were younger, Iroh would always talk about…how much he wanted a child. He wanted to be married to the right woman and have a child whom they could raise together with happiness and love. Sure, he did so with Tai, but he knows that if Tai ever comes to the throne, there would be the risk of someone saying that he is unfit to inherit the throne because of some old and ancient law. A civil war in the Fire Nation might even follow to settle such a matter. A pure-blooded heir would fix that; his or even her claim to the throne would be unchallenged." I sighed.
"But he would never divorce you." Ane breathed.
"There are other ways to separate from one's spouse than divorce; 'Till death do us part.'" I quoted.
They stared, shocked at the prospect.
I went back to my rooms though it was barely the late afternoon.
I asked for a sleeping sedative, but it did not help. I wound up pacing my chamber until I literally collapsed on the floor and was found in the morning.
Four more months passed quickly and Li went into labor when she was helping me with my bath.
She was still my servant and, even if she claimed that it was Iroh's baby, no one could prove it so I gave her the benefit of a doubt and eased her of a few duties.
It did not mean that I was a perfect mistress to her; many times, I would say insulting remarks in her presence which I knew would hurt her. It was childish, but jealousy never lets its victims see its faults.
After a few hours of labor, a little baby boy were healthfully delivered.
I only had to glance at it as it was being passed for its bath in warm water to know the truth. The baby did not cry, but it was alive; the baby had opened its eyes the moment it was born, and his eyes were a bright gold; the baby moved lustfully like any newborn would, but also seemed to be concentrating on something; all of which indefinitely pointed to the paternity of the boy. Like father like son.
The newborn was swaddled and brought to Li for breastfeeding and I said a word of congratulations and meant to leave it like that.
"Would you accept the position as my child's godmother?" Li asked.
Either she was ridiculing me—which I believed at the time—or her perspective on life was extremely naïve.
"I doubt that I can be the godmother. If so, Iroh would be the godfather and that would be impossible for him to play both fatherly roles in your bastard's life." I replied and walked out.
The babe gurgled while in my arms and I continued to hold it tenderly. He was a very cute baby, I could not help but dote on him.
The infant was three months old and Li was nowhere to be found. The woman first gets a baby on herself, and then abandons him after her dry spell is over.
"My lady?" It was Lo's soft and tentative voice that reached me and I looked up from the sleeping boy—Kaku—and regarded the worrisome twin.
"What is it?" I asked softly. She seemed to be very nervous as she came closer to me.
When she was about two yards away, she threw herself onto the floor in a sorry excuse for a bowing position.
"Please, my lady; do not exile Li!" she begged and I was taken aback.
"Did someone say I was going to?" I asked, confused.
Lo raised her head.
"But that is what happened in the past to the lemans of princes and Fire Lords; especially when the ladies were of their wife's household! Please; I do not want to be separated from my sister!" I had considered doing so, but seeing Lo plead on her sister's behalf...
I kneeled down next to her and held out the infant.
"I will not exile her. But, it will be very hard for me to continue to respect Li if she continues such behavior." I added and handed Kaku to her.
"I…I understand, my lady. Forgive me for misjudging you." She said slowly and exited.
Lo was probably the better twin; I hoped that she would be able to help her sister Li.
After the birth, I became a puppet princess.
Many courtiers, seeing that Li's child was probably Iroh's and pure Fire Nation, flocked to her to 'befriend' her. She was very flattered by all of the attention and enjoyed it. I did not fret or worry about her like I might have when I was younger; what could I have done?
I was at Iroh's side at public occasions, attending important holiday festivals and meetings with him, and introducing myself as his wife when new guests came. But, we rarely even took a small walk in the gardens together; either I could not find him or when I did, he turned down my request.
Ozai continued to be quiet, something that perturbed me.
It was two months from my thirty-first birthday; on the twenty-fifth night of the fourth month.
I couldn't sleep and, as a habit, I began taking a very long walk down the hallways of the palace.
While I was passing one of the longer halls—I cannot remember which—I stopped; sure that I had heard the rustling of robes behind me.
When I continued trekking, I heard it again. I felt my muscles tensing and adrenaline rush through my veins; I prepared to run and fight, if necessary.
Before I could run thirty meters, my would-be stalker caught up to me and put his hand over my mouth—it felt disgusting—and grabbed my arms before I could Firebend in defense. With great force, he slammed me against the nearest wall. Something pushed against my teeth, and I instinctively bit down on it.
A strange sensation spread through my body, and I realized that it was some form of sleeping powder. But, it was much stronger than the types that I took.
The last thing that I remember is something wet in my mouth before drifting off.
When I came to, someone was dragging me through the halls.
I was naked, and my scalp was burning in pain, when I tried to move my legs, I found that everything inferior to my waist hurt. My mouth felt dried, and my face felt strangely disoriented.
When I began to pay attention to his direction, I saw that we were going to Iroh's room.
He dragged me through the doors, near tears, by my hair.
"How does it feel, brother?" It was Ozai.
Iroh sat up from his bed; a horrified expression on his face when he looked at me.
"Yukihiya…" his voice trailed off. Of course he would figure it out, just as I had moments ago.
I felt sick and began to retch; throwing up all over my body a minute later.
My scalped ached from Ozai's grip and the tugging at my hair so much and my body was in terrible pain—I think it was mostly mental and emotional, rather than physical—I longed to curl up and sleep never to wake again.
"Put her down." Iroh ordered his younger brother angrily.
Something made him relent and I was literally thrown onto the edge of Iroh's bed, where I collapsed onto the cold hard ground; giving in to the sobs. Ozai then left.
Iroh slipped from his bed to besides me and gently pulled me up.
I turned away from his gaze when he tried to get me to look at him and he began to examine the other parts of my body.
I clung onto the carpet. I did not want to be gazed upon anymore.
"Let us at least get you a bath." He said; picking me up.
He filled the tub and warmed it; gently lowering me into the water even though I cried at the contact.
The water felt cold.
I continuously warmed it the best I could, but it still felt cold to me.
I saw a pumice stone and began to rub at my arms, my legs, my stomach; anywhere that didn't seem to hurt.
Iroh pulled me out of the water, took the stone from my hand, and sat me onto the marble step with a fluffy towel.
He put salve onto my raw skin, just like he had done so many times when we were younger, and gently kissed me on the forehead after he was finished.
He then helped me take a bath properly; shampoo for my hair, soap for my body, and a gentle rinse after it all.
He dried me off and carried me to his bed; tenderly setting me down on the mattress as if I were a child.
"Sleep; this night has been too traumatic for you." He advised.
"C-Could you stay with me?" I whispered; the fear pain and fear still burning in my body. Iroh's gaze was so gentle.
"Of course." He promised and climbed between the sheets with me.
Gently, he locked me into an embrace and kissed me on the forehead.
I sighed and sunk deeper into his arms; he would always be there for me, was my last thought before I slept a troubled sleep.
I woke up alone in the morning.
The walls of the palace leaked.
By that morning, everyone knew
Mira and Ane concealed my bruises well with makeup and I continued to try and act as if nothing had happened.
I was more like a puppet than ever: in public, Iroh was usually with me and held me up rigidly; as if by strings. When he, along with everyone else, was gone from my private chambers, I would collapse in a heap as if the strings had suddenly been cut.
What hurt me the most was that Iroh, in public or private, did not console me in any way after that night when he helped me with my wounds. No words of comfort, no physical contact, no nod of acknowledgment whenever we would meet up. He did not even meet my eyes whenever I saw him save for a few times.
Ane and Mira could not even pry me from that deep realm where I lay miserably and I continued to torment myself in silence.
He stopped coming to my bed and I felt even colder. Whenever someone would inquire where Iroh was, it shamed me to say that I did not know.
'Probably with a new woman.' I thought.
Many nights, I cried; looking out of my window at the stars and moon while pressing my forehead against the cold glass. I wrapped a thick blanket around myself often and, after making myself comfortable, slept in it.
Kaku often mistook me for his mother and I caught Li smirking at me whenever I would dote on him. No doubt that she was seeking my blessing when trying to bring her own son to the throne. I find it amusing that months ago, she had feared me and my wrath upon her unborn child. She was strutting around and dangling him in front of my face.
The malice slowly began to worsen; now, people said that I had planned everything just to try and get another baby.
I could not believe it, but I probably should have. No one was ever truly a 'friend' and, as I learned the hard way, not even family could be completely trusted.
I may have seemed paranoid, but I could not help it anymore; too much had happened.
As I shadowed Mira, I saw that she was meeting with some other ladies and talking in the Northern Pagoda. The subject then turned to me.
At first, they were talking about the gossip about me and then made up their own inferences.
"Are any of them true? You are her servant." One of the older ladies said.
Mira, instead of defending me from any of the rumors, began to actually tell them.
"They are; the day after Ozai's rape, Yukihiya came back to her chambers looking very bruised and tearful. She turned into a real fountain and Ane often made the excuse of her leg hurting to leave me with her!" Mira said.
She began to go on, something about the fact that Iroh and I had begun to sleep in separate beds, but I did not listen.
I clenched my fists and kept trying to swallow the lump in my throat and bit my lips until they almost bled to simultaneously distract myself from the pricking and stinging in the back of my eyes; quietly, I walked back into my chamber and though I felt much anger build in me, I felt the fury being extinguished by my immense hurt and sadness.
This was the first time after the rape that he came to my bed and I, though still nervous and recovering from the shock, welcomed the idea.
I had yearned for his touch for so long, but he never initiated anything and when I would try to, he would brush me off.
He could not seem to focus though and I found that…he couldn't do it.
"We can sleep; our rest comes first and we can do such a thing later." I lied through my teeth and felt him turn away from me.
I bit my lips until they were ribbon candy and blood was flowing in my mouth before I was sure that he was asleep and I ran into my bathing chamber and cried bitterly.
For the first time, I regretted meeting Iroh and coming to the Fire Nation.
Look where it had gotten me, I thought. Alone, heartbroken, and being forced to act as if it was all okay.
I observed my thirtieth birthday in silence and alone. When I saw Iroh the next day, he did not say anything about it. It was as if he and the entire court had forgotten my birthday.
I was sure that none of them would miss me if I just disappeared.
A few nights later, I had scavenged, hid, and saved enough for my escape. I had taken only some small rations of food, fresh water, and old Water Tribe clothing attained a few years ago by the Fire Nation.
I put Tai to bed with extra care and kissed him over and over; so much that he asked why I was doing so. Try as I did, I could not lie to my son. I only said that I was going away; I never said how long or why.
Tai, with the innocent mind that I wanted so much to have, wished me a safe voyage and return. It took me all of my strength not to cry. I left his room and then returned to mine.
I kept everything in a personal bindle and waited until I was sure that all of my servants had exited my suite.
During the night, I was restless and listening constantly at the halls to make sure that no one was there.
The moon was high in the sky by the time I opened the door to my outer chamber and quietly began to slip away.
I still remembered my lessons in spying, or at least the parts about going undetected, and made sure to wear leather-lined flat shoes and wear camouflaging colors. I slipped from my room, down to the grand entrance, through the large and ornately decorated door, and past the gates. As I was beginning to run, I did not dare look back; remorse would draw me in again.
The sky's hue was becoming lighter; it was close to sunrise when I finally found the small boat I had hidden under a specific dock.
I dropped my things in it and nearly climbed in when I perceived that he was behind me.
"Children are so loyal to their parents. Both of them." He pointed out.
I stopped, hesitating to jump into the canoe.
"Tai is older now; he knows how to take the news with dignity." I said.
I needed to harden my heart once again, but it was impossible; Iroh always mollified it with ease.
"For a son, losing a father is not such a big deal; he has other male relatives he can look up to and look to if he wants to be praised and learn from. Losing a mother, though…" he let it hang, and I was grateful that he did.
"Really? Because from what I saw, women are not as important as men!" I snapped angrily; letting my temper get the better of me.
"You know that is not true, Yukihiya." His smooth and calm tone made me sick.
"I always thought you truly meant what you said; especially about women having more worth than for just producing children or that men really should keep their fidelity towards their wives." I replied; my tone as cold as his was warm.
"I said so and I keep my word. Why?" he asked and I wanted to hit him; to tell him that he did not need to keep up the façade and that I already knew.
"Li. Her son, Kaku." I said.
"A beautiful baby boy." Iroh remarked.
"And the pureblood son you've always wanted." I added.
He stared at me as if I was insane.
"My son? How can it be my son?" he asked; his tone was so genuine that I was taken aback.
'He is just a practiced liar.' I thought.
"Don't lie to me, Iroh! His hair, his birth, everything about him points to you as the father!" I hissed.
"The Fire Nation is full of men who have black hair!" he argued back.
"Not all men have golden eyes! Li certainly doesn't!" I shot back.
"There are plenty of children and men out there with golden eyes!" Iroh said hotly.
"How many have the bright eyes that are known to be yours?" I snapped at him.
It was my trump card; pathetic as it was.
Iroh's eyes were unique among the gold hues; supposedly, the hue of the gold darkened with every generation in which the traits are passed on from parent to offspring, and those with the brightest gold eyes were 'pure' in their lineage. Iroh's eyes were bright gold, much like Li's son's were.
He looked away and I felt my chest crumple; so the rumors really were true.
"Your vows to me are now null and void; there is no reason for me to stay." I said.
Iroh took a step forward and, after closing the distance between us, took my hand in his. I kept my back turned to him.
"There is every reason for you to stay." He whispered softly; though I could not see his face, I could have sworn that I felt his breath beneath my cloak and held back a shudder.
"What is there?" I asked tersely through grit teeth.
"For me, Tai, Mira and Ane and Lo, your life at the palace, the people's love, your position at our court, our future and our plans…" he saw that he was using all of the wrong reasons. That, and, I did not believe it anymore.
Without thinking, I made up my mind to do it. I remember my wedding ring being slipped off of my finger.
I turned, the first time I did so, and held out the ring to him.
"Take it. Give it to your new bride. Everyone knows Li's child is yours, but illegitimate. You know how badly I feel for illegitimate children. Give Li and her son what they both would want." I said.
He was astonished; not knowing what to say and not believing what I had just stated.
I dropped the ring between us. It landed on the dock with a soft clink.
"The sun is to rise soon." I pointed out; turning back to my small canoe and jumping into it.
I was sure that he was going to jump in with me and pull me back up, but he did not.
I grabbed the paddle on the canoe; beginning to row away.
I see now that what I did was a coward's deed and there was no excuse for it; not even if I felt so meek. I was very confused and trying to dispel the growing problems and pain within myself in some way. It was like on the verge of falling into a fire and throwing down snowballs to try and make the fall more bearable.
It was also a reflection of my stubborn and impulsive nature; I let the rumors and my sense of intuition take over and make me susceptible to believing them, I refused to think through everything before acting or confronting Iroh, and I simply did not want to talk about it and widened that rift. Just like with Pakku and Naiya regarding their 'kiss', I did not bother to hear Iroh's or Li's personal sides of the story; it is one of my flaws.
I had left the Fire Nation as a result of my pride and chicken-hearted behavior and had nowhere to go except for the Southern Water Tribe.
I felt that Iroh's eyes never left me, he stayed on the deck and did not turn to go; not even when I was surely out of his sight and the sun was high in the sky.
