Truly" Spock agreed looking at her listlessly "If you will not consider allowing me the chance to win you back, to regain your love then there is only one option open to me to ensure that when the flames do descend that I do not either force myself upon you or else perish in the flames."

"Which is" Jane asked eagerly

"I will complete the rite of Kolinahr and purge all emotion; including my love for you.'

Jane looked at Spock, all the colour draining from her face as she took in what he just said "You want to complete the rite of Kolinahr?" She asked him blankly "You want to purge all your emotions? Including your love for your mother... Your love for me...Your love for your daughter?" The last was said in a tone of incredulous disbelief.

"Want?" Spock asked her "No I do not want to complete the rite of Kolinahr, I would never willing choose to purge my love for you nor my love for Isobel... if I truly had a choice I would prefer to be your bondmate and a father to Isobel for the rest of my life but you have ruled that as impossibility. So to ensure your safety..."

"You think you need to complete the rite to ensure my safety?" Jane interrupted, with a bit of disbelief breaking through in her voice "I may not love you anymore Spock but I do know that you would never hurt me" she broke off "Well not physically at least" she amended.

"No. Not while I am in control of my full mental functions" Spock agreed. "But pon farr would strip me of those and leave me a primitive beast." His eyes dropping to the floor in a Vulcan show of embarrassment as he went on "A primitive beast who would hunt you, like the Le-mayta hunted the Aylak, not stopping until I found you and then I would violate you; using you to sate my lusts, to quench the flames that would consumed me, not caring whether you consented or not. I would not care if you screamed, bled or cried as I ravaged you, I would just sate myself in you over and over."

Jane just stared at him, "But your last pon farr..." she trailed off in sudden remembrance.

Spock hadn't been the primitive beast he had just described during his last pon farr over 2 years ago; sure he had been possessive and demanding, secluding them in her quarters as he made love to her over and over until she nearly thought she could not take anymore but even in his 'madness' he had still shown a degree of gentleness, of protectiveness as he slaked the flames of his pon farr in her welcomed coolness.

"You were a willing mate." Spock told her "My plak tow was reduced, controlled by your willingness, by your complete submission to me as you allowed me the relief I needed as soon as you realised what was happening."

"So if I was not to be submissive... if I was to reject you upon your next pon farr" Jane trailed off.

"The burning in my blood would force me to seek you out regardless" Spock told her "I, as I told you before, would hunt you down and I would force you to submit, to give over to me both your body and your mind." Spock closed his eyes as he admitted, "I would rape you mentally as well as physically until the flames died and I regained my mental awareness and then..." Spock's eyes opened and despite the Vulcan passiveness still there Jane clearly saw the anguish about his possible future action's shining through "And then I would despise myself as much as you would despise me. I would not be able to live with myself knowing that I had destroyed, physically, emotionally and mentally the one person I am bound to protect, to care for and to cherish."

"Oh." Jane said wide eyed and speechless.

"So I will enter into the training of Kolinahr, I will purge my emotions so that I will never again be plunged into the flames of pon farr... so you will be safe."

"But Isobel" Jane said feeling as if she could not breath, as if something was crushing her chest "The whole reason I told you about her was so she would not have to suffer through my childhood, so she would have a father, a father who would love her."

"When I achieve Kolinahr" Spock told her in a hollow monotone voice "You will be free to choose another mate as in my emotionless state I will not care if my t'hy..." he broke off "If my bondmate takes another. I will not challenge him and you will be free to do as you state you desire and move on to rebuild your life how you so wish. Our bond will be all but broken."

"I..." Jane touched one hand to her throat and shook her head blankly; she could not even process the thought; sure she had lied through her teeth and told Spock and everyone around her that she could not wait to move on, to take her next lover and make a new life for her and Isobel but in reality... in reality the thought of touching a man who was not her bondmate made her sick to her stomach.

Maybe it was the bond, which still thrummed in the back of her head influencing her but despite everything Spock put her though during the last nine months she still loved him and the thought of fucking another man left a bad taste in her mouth and a sick sensation in her gut.

As for the thought of another man being a father to Isobel... she could not even contemplate it.

"When" she asked "When would you leave to start your training"

"The next influx of Kolinahr novices begins their training in New Vulcan in just under an Earth week so I have arranged passage on a ship that leaves at 0900 hours tomorrow morning."

"Tomorrow!" Jane exclaimed "You have already arranged to leave m... Isobel so soon."

"My crimes against you are numerous" Spock told her solemnly "And although I illogically had held out some hope that you might forgive me, I always knew that it was unlikely."

"So you are just going to throw in the towel?" Jane threw at him suddenly filled with hot anger. "Well at least this tells me one thing; I guess that is how much you actually care about me and your daughter." Throwing her arms in the air Jane taunted him "Why bothering even trying to woo me back, why even bother trying to be a father to Isobel when you can just fucking purge your emotions and get rid of us that way."

Spock stared at her hollowly "If I thought there was a chance that I could win you back to me, if I thought I could rebuild the trust in our bond I would do it but as you have informed me that you no longer love me" Spock voice uncharacteristically broke as he shook slightly "Then I need to..."

"Fuck off to Vulcan and purge me, purge us out of your life" Jane threw in acidly.

"NO!" Spock denied, "I have been informed by the elders that the seven year cycle that has been for thousands of years the timeline of pon farr, has been disturbed by the destruction of Vulcan and the subsequent loss of seventy five percent of my species. Young male Vulcan's, such as I, have been going into pon farr only 3 years after their last cycle." Spock looked at her imploringly "If I am to safeguard you, if I am to ensure that I reach Kolinahr before my next pon farr is upon me then I need to leave and begin the long and arduous training now."

"Go then" Jane told him the lump in her throat rising as tears welled in her eyes "You have already had practise at walking out the door and leaving me and Isobel so just fucking go!"

Jane and Spock locked eyes for one long minute before Jane, before Jane broke "Then it was all for nothing? Me informing you about Isobel I mean?"

"I would not say it was for nothing; you restored your reputation with Starfleet" Spock reminded her "You are once again the captain of the fleets flagship and you have also cleared your name with those who condemned you; myself included."

"You think I informed you about Isobels paternity so I could get myself back in Starfleets good books; to get myself another ship?" Jane shook her head "I did it so Isobel would have a father; so she would not suffer the same childhood that I suffered, fatherless and wishing every birthday and on every occasion that he was there."

Spock bowed his head "If I could break the bond, if I could set you free without fear of causing your mind to break, I would. If I could step aside and allow you to rebuild your life without me, to find a new mate that you could love and trust I would although it would rend me to my core." His eyes showing his distress Spock went on "But I cannot; the Vulcan blood that runs through my veins and the bond that binds us even now despite your justified hatred of me will one day make it necessary for you to submit yourself to me as my mate again one day. Whether it be tomorrow or a year from now, I cannot stop the Vulcan mating driving from once again forcing me to claim you as mine unless I do this, unless I purge all emotions leaving me barren but harmless to you and by default our daughter."

Tears dripping down her face, Jane shook her head "Why can't you wait? Can't you at least have six months, a year with your daughter before you go to New Vulcan to begin the Kolinahr rites? Time to build memories, to make holos even write letters for her to treasure when she is older?"

Spock shook his head "The more time with Isobel I spend, the more I will bond with her, the greater my love of her will be and the harder it will be to reach Kolinahr as it will prove more difficult to purge my emotions with such memories present in my mind." Spock suspected what he was going to say next would not be well received but he had to let Jane know his regard for her "As it is, my love for you will make achieving Kolinahr hard enough."

Wiping away tears Jane looked at Spock sadly "I don't know what to say. I may not want you as my bondmate but you are Isobel's father and she needs you. There must be another way."

Spock shook his head "As I said it was the Vulcan Elders, T'Pau in particular, who informed me about the pon farr cycle shortening. To ensure your safety I must reach Kolinahr before my next cycle. It is the price I must pay for my mistrust and mistreatment of you; the loss of your love, and my daughter."

Jane was not sure the punishment fitted the crime "Can't you at least give me until tomorrow morning to come up with another solution. There has to be another way."

"We are t'hy'la" Spock cautiously spoke the forbidden word "I am bound to you always; as you are bound to me. There is no way to break our bond and if we remain bonded you will be obliged to endure pon farr with me." Spock looked at her hollowly "Nobody, not even I, could expect you to bind yourself to a man who has betrayed you as I have, to force yourself to submit yourself body and mind to a man you despise in an ever shortening cycle of time."

Jane stared at Spock blankly "At least give me until tomorrow morning" she pleaded with him not knowing why but knowing that this could not be how Spock and she ended.

Spock bowed his head to her "I will meet you here at 0700 hours" he agreed "I doubt you will be able to come up with a workable soloution but at least it will allow me to see your face, and Isobels, one last time."

Amanda was bouncing Isobel on one knee babbling in incoherent baby talk to her gurgling granddaughter even as an indulgent Sarek; one eyebrow raised at his wife's illogical behaviour, looked on when Jane stormed into the room, her face tear stained.

"Jane" Amanda gasped startled, frowning when she saw the tear stained face of her daughter in law "What happened" she demanded half rising to her feet, Isobel clutched tightly in her arms.

"You need to ask your son" Jane reached for Isobel relieving her from her grandmother's arms.

"What has Spock done?" Sarek joined in the conversation.

"Like you don't know" Jane hissed as she began to pack up Isobel belongings "You must be so proud, Your Excellency. Your son following the Vulcan path you choose for him and completing the rites of Kolinahr."

Amanda gasped one pale hand going to her throat in horror "Spock is going to complete the rites of Kolinahr?"

Sarek, both eyebrows raised walked towards Jane "When did my son inform you of this" he demanded "It is illogical for him to take this path, to leave his bondmate and newborn child."

Jane's anger faltered as she looked at Sarek and Amanda "You did not know" she asked; her tone subdued as she realized what an ass she had just made out of herself in her temper.

"No" Amanda denied "Why would Spock choose to pursue the Kolinahr rite of passage?"

"I" Jane bit bottom lip as she wondered how to answer "He said it is to protect me" she finally admitted.

"Protect you from what" Amanda asked her confusion clear.

"I refused to take him back" Jane looked down at the peaceful face of her content daughter; Isobel had proven to be a docile child, not even her mother's temper tantrums could disturb her "During our talks about our future, I told him while I would not contest him seeing Isobel that I had no plans of resuming our relationship."

Understanding appeared in Sarek eyes "So he chose to follow the path of Kolinahr then... so he would not abuse you during his next cycle of pon farr"

"I guess" Jane admitted.

"Then his actions are logical "Sarek told her sternly "If you cannot be persuaded to forgive my son, to resume your bondmate duties then his only option is Kolinahr less he reaches his next time and your rejection of him leads to more... unfortunate events."

"So he could truly hurt me during his next pon farr if I was..." Jane blushed; she never thought she would be raising this topic with the in-laws "Unwilling" she completed completely flushed.

"Indeed" Sarek intoned "Vulcan woman are taught from birth the necessity of their willing submission during their mates time." Sarek looked at her his expression more seriously than usual "Any less then complete submission by the female could lead to a violent and even fatal... coupling."

"Then perhaps" Amanda stepped in "Spock's decision is for the best."

"Indeed" nodded Sarek. "I must go now to talk to Spock" he advised them "And find out what his travel plans are" bowing slightly to Amanda and Jane he left the room

Isobel's belongings back in her bag and the bag thrown over her shoulder, Jane decided she needed to go home and digest this latest curveball to her life. To see if she could find a soloution that did not involve Spock exiling himself from Isobel's life.

"Well I guess I should say goodbye then" Jane said awkwardly.

Her eyes wide Amanda asked bluntly "Do you intend on denying us access to Isobel?"

"What" Jane's eyes flew to her mother in laws worried face "No" she denied "I just meant goodbye for today, for not forever."

Relief poured over Amanda's elegant features "Is there truly no way you could forgive Spock" she asked Jane quietly.

"Could you forgive Sarek?" Jane questioned "If our positions were reverse I mean."

"For Spock I would have tried" Amanda said quietly "It pains me to think of my grandchild growing up not knowing her father."

"Well Spock has given me permission, once he has reached Kolinahr to find her a new daddy" Jane said bitterly, not even know why she was telling Amanda that.

Amanda huge dark eyes that were so like Spocks opened even wider "He must love you so much." She breathed "Do you even know what it means for a Vulcan male to basically give permission for their bondmate to take another lover?"

Jane shook her head.

"Unlike humans Vulcan's are completely monogamous; they cannot or will not cheat on their bondmates and due to their biological needs they have a wide streak of possessiveness; even to give verbal permission for you to take another lover after him must of all but killed Spock." Amanda told her seriously.

"He knows he cannot make amends with you; he must of realized that you would never forgive him so he is basically stepping out of your way, taking himself out of the picture by purging his emotions so he will not be a threat to you or your desired new life" Amanda blinked back tears "Even if it means he will basically have no life at all."

"What do you meant" Jane demanded

"Have you ever met a Kolinahr adept?" Amanda challenged.

"No" Jane shook her head... read about them yes but met? Never!

"They are basically what humans accuse normal Vulcan's to be... emotionless robots, they derive no pleasure out of life, they have no curiosity, no scientific interest in anything, they have no desires, no need for companionship or love. They just... exist" Amanda smiled sadly "No more no less."

Jane stared at Amanda wordlessly; not knowing what to say "Well I better get going" Jane got out finally, still at a loss for words but wanting to get the hell out of there and away from Amanda's accusing eyes.

Amanda just looked at her sadly "Jane..." she broke off before shaking her head "No. I can't ask you to forgive him but please" she implored the blond captain "Just think clearly about what you are doing because it will be forever, once Spock attains Kolinahr he will be lost to you and to Isobel forever."

"Please" Amanda begged "Just think it over. Can you really never forgive him? Is it really too late? You need to know that if you change your mind even 4 months down the track it will be too late. Once his emotions are purged he will be that emotionless robot forever. The man you loved will be dead. Isobel's father will be dead. The man left may look like Spock, like my son and your bondmate but he will be all but a robotic doppelganger, lifeless and uncaring."

Jane looked hollowly at Amanda; lost for words and emotionally wrecked "I have to go" she told her ex mother in law finally; not able to take any more and she turned all but running out of the embassy as she clutched her soon to be fatherless daughter in her arms tightly.

Amanda watched her leave sadly; even if she had gained a granddaughter it looked like she had just lost her son.