Jane was so busy hurrying out of the heavy wooden doors of the Vulcan Embassy that she did not notice the two Vulcan's entering it until she nearly ran straight into them.

Clutching Isobel against her chest tightly in fright as she came to a stop just in front of the pair, she found herself shaken by the near collision; scared of what could of happened to Isobel if she had dropped her.

"Sorry" she winced as she apologized for their near crash, still clutching an unfazed Isobel against her chest tightly.

Still looking apologetically at the men in front of her, she happened to catch the taller one's eyes and nearly took a step back as she looked into the Vulcan's blank, black doll like eyes and she could not help but wondered what had caused the hollow, vacant look in his eyes and the gauntness of his face even as the empty look in his eyes caused a wave of uneasiness to raise in Jane stomach.

A sense of unease that was not broken even by his sudden departure not a moment later as he brushed by her without a word of acknowledgement of their near crash.

The Vulcan left behind had the usual Vulcan mask of indifference on but at least his eyes spoke of some personality behind the facade, "I apologize for my companion, he has just returned from the monastery of Gol" The Vulcan in front of her bowed his head "Or should I say the new Gol Monastery."

"He is a Kolinahr adept?" Suddenly the vacant, empty looked made a lot more sense but the knowledge of the cause of the man's blank doll like eyes did nothing to ease the sick, uneasy feeling in Jane's stomach.

So that was a Vulcan Kolinahr adept.

"Indeed" The Vulcan in front of her intoned "Your apologises are accepted but I would advise on a more moderate pace in future" He advised her before adding "I have an appointment inside so if you would excuse me."

"Of course" Jane moved out of his way still shaken by what she had seen in the Kolinahr adept's dark soulless eyes.

Nothing.

Lying a sleeping Isobel down into her bassinet, Jane smiled as she brushed a gentle hand across the peacefully sleeping face of her daughter.

It always amazed her how beautiful, how perfect her daughter was; she could watch Isobel for hours as she admired how cute her daughters sleepy coos were, how amazingly small her hands were and how adorable her little Vulcan pointy ears were and she could not help herself as she brush one hand over them.

Just like Spocks.

Jane's smile flickered and died as she thought about her child's father.

Her child's father and Jane's bondmate, who would soon depart to New Vulcan to begin the rite of Kolinahr and begin the long purging of his emotions, ALL of his emotions including the love that was her daughters right.

The sick feeling that had been in Jane's stomach, since her unexpected encounter with the Kolinahr adept early in the day, rose and twisted as she imagined the strangers horrifyingly blank and empty eyes being put into Spock's familiar face.

She imagined her husband being that man; his beautiful, warm brown eyes, eyes that she had always love as they that always and still if she was honest with herself held such love and emotion for her being twisted into cold blank doll eyes.

Eyes that revealed their owner to be as good as dead inside.

She imagined Isobel trying (and she was a Kirk, she would try) to find her father later in life and being faced in a hot Vulcan Monastery by a cold, empty man with dead eyes who did not care, could not care one whit about her.

Jane at least knew that George Kirk had loved her, had died protecting her. Isobel would not even have that.

Sinking down into the soft, padded rocker Jane put her face into her hands and wondered how she could stop it; stop Spock seeking out the Monastery of Gol and the emptiness of Kolinahr.

Looking into her daughter's calm sleeping face she had to admit that she knew one way; if she took Spock back, if she could forget and forgive, if Jane could move past the past hurt and allowed Spock the chance to woo her, to win her back then Isobel would have two parents. She would grow up with a mother and a father.

But even though she wanted that for her beloved child, even if she secretly longed to have her bondmate back in her life (a fact that she was resolutely blaming on the bond thrumming in the back of her mind) Jane wondered if she could actually do it?

Spock had stripped everything from her: her ship, her friends, her family and more importantly himself.

Jane could have taken the loss of the Enterprise, hell she could have taken the loss of her friends even Bones, but losing Spock, losing his love had almost killed her. There had been days that the only thing that had forced her to carry on had been the unborn child in her womb.

Spock's unborn child.

She had been so wrapped in Spock, so bound to him by her consuming love for him that the loss of him through his lack of faith, his rejection of her had left her empty and hollow, bitter and twisted and unable to move past his betrayal and the fact that if he had left her once he could do it again.

And hadn't she after watching her Mum never ending heartbreak over her father, George Kirk, always swear that she would never to be that woman?

Wasn't that why she had always flitted from casual relationship to casual relationship before she had met Spock; because she had been determined never to let a man get in so deep that he would have the power to destroy her life?

But Spock, kind gentle Spock who looked at her as if she was the answer to every question he had every thought of, had snuck past her walls and into her heart... and look what loving him, trusting him had caused her?

Total heartbreak.

"I can't do it, Isobel" she brokenly told her slumbering daughter as she buried her face into her hands as she tried to stifle her tears" I survived your Daddy leaving me once but I could never do it again."

And if he could do it once, then he could certainly do it again but then how could she allow her beautiful, innocent daughter to be raised fatherless?

How could she tell Isobel that it was she, it was Jane who had forced Spock to seek out the rite of Kolinahr, who had turned Isobel father into the empty shell of a man Isobel would one day encounter in the Vulcan monastery. An encounter that Jane knew would happen as sure as she knew that Scotty loved sandwiches.

Her daughter would hate her for denying her the loving father Spock would have been.

How could she, Jane, live with the knowledge that because of her distrust (warranted or not) that the man she still even in spite of herself loved was a shell, an (as Amanda had described it) emotionless robot who did not live but just existed.

How could she let Spock leave for New Vulcan when she had seen what he would turn into; when she had been sicken to the stomach and left shaken by her brief encounter with the frighteningly vacant Kolinahr adept?

How could she let Spock, her Spock who hid behind his calm, dispassionate Vulcan facade a passion and love that was just for her along with a curious, brilliant scientific mind that had always astounded and amused her and a dry, sarcastic wit that had always delighted her, be turned into a empty eyed shell of the man that she loved.

But then how in 12 short hours could she be expected to move past the walls of distrust and misery that he had put up?

Jane pulled her knees up to her chest and wept as she wondered what the hell she was going to do.

Jane was pulled out of her misery when she heard a knock at her front door she dragged herself out of the rocking chair and with one quick check of Isobel, who was still fast asleep, she went to see who was there and looking through the peep hole she was amazed to see.

Nyota Uhura. Spock's ex girlfriend and current best friend.

Flinging open the door she looked Uhura in the face a questioning look her eyes; her ex communications officer looked uncharacteristically nervous.

"What do you want Uhura" she asked, using the communications officer's last name as Uhura had never given her permission to use her first.

'I need to talk to you.' Uhura usually strong, confident voice a soft, hesitant parody of itself.

"Why?" Jane queried, her voice heavy "What could we possibly have left to say?"

"Spock sent me a message advising me about her upcoming travels to Vulcan to start his training in the ways of Kolinahr."

"And you are here on his behalf?" Jane guessed, why was she not surprised, Uhura was nothing if not loyal to her best friend.

"No" Uhura answer surprised Jane "I am here on yours."

"Excuse me" Jane's eyebrows nearly hit her hairline in her surprise."

"I know you are mad" Uhura went on "And you have every right to be; we let you down, we betrayed you the way we accused you of betraying Spock. But Jane" Uhura looked at the unimpressed Captain imploringly "If you do this; if you let Spock obtain Kolinahr you will regret it for the rest of your life."

"I will, will I?" Jane questioned in a sarcastic tone.

"You love Spock" Uhura raised one hand to stop Jane from protesting "I am a trained linguist, Jane" she reminded her ex captain "I am trained in over a hundred languages including BODY language so lying about it would be useless. You were in love with Spock on the Enterprise and you still love Spock now."

"Now that you can't prove" Jane challenged "You have not been here to read my body language in over 10 months."

"Then convince me" Uhura challenged "Tell me you aren't still in love with bondmate."

Knowing that she couldn't lie to a trained linguist, especially one as talented as Nyota Uhura, Jane just sighed "Okay" she admitted"I still love him but so what? I don't trust him, not with my heart; never again" she swore.

"Maybe" Uhura admitted "But if you allow him to complete the rites of Kolinahr and purge all emotions you will never forgive yourself when the betrayal and hurt you are currently feeling fades with time and you realise what you both have done by allowing Spock to pursue and gain Kolinahr."

"And what would I of lost?" Jane queried cynically "Except a faithless bondmate I mean? "

"Your soul mate" Uhura long ponytail bounced as she shook her head "I never liked you Jane" she admitted "I never liked how brash you were, how you had to flirt with anything wearing trousers... or a skirt.' Uhura smirked obviously recalling the time Jane had hit on her "And I definitely did not like how in three short months after Spock and my break up you had Spock acting towards you how I always wished he would act towards me." Uhura smiled resignedly "Did Spock ever tell you why we broke up?" she asked Jane.

"No" Jane shook her head; she had always wondered what had ended the seemingly well matched relationship between her first and her communication officer but after Spock and she got together she had never really known how to raise the subject without looking like a jealous girlfriend.

"I fell hard for Spock from the first time I saw him" The dark haired linguist admitted "It took nearly a year for me to even get Spock to notice me" Uhura confided "Then it took about another six months before he would even consider moving between our strictly professional relationship. I knew he was a Vulcan and therefore not into public displays of emotion or affection but it was hard for me to get him to act affectionate in private; he wouldn't meld with me, any physical interaction between us only happened when I initiated it." Uhura shook her head ruefully "It took me two months after being aboard the Enterprise to realise that he was never going to be what I needed and that I could never be what he needed. So we broke up both agreeing we made better friends than lovers."

Uhura sighed "Then you and he began a relationship; oh I warned him against it." Uhura admitted ruefully "I warned him about your reputation, that you would never want to be in a monogamous relationship but he just raised an eyebrow at me and continue to date you no matter what warning I gave him." Uhura shrugged "Maybe it was out of concern for him or maybe it was just pure jealousy but I kept a close eye on you for the first year of your relationship with Spock so imagine my surprise when you stopped flirting so outrageously with anything male and then imagine my shock when I saw Spock brushing fingers with you, standing closer to you than was strictly professional and basically doing the Vulcan version of putting his tongue down your throat in public."

"I was jealous" the dark haired linguist admitted "Jealous that in such a short time you were able to break through Spock's walls in a way I never could and get under his skin and make him act like I had only dreamed about; affectionate and love struck" Uhura flashed a bright grin "Well affectionate and love struck for a Vulcan that is" she amended

Jane frowned at this confession; sure she had known Uhura had never really liked her but she had just assumed that it was Uhura being an overprotective best friend, kind of like Bones was, had been to her, she had always thought that Uhura had moved on after all wasn't she dating Scotty now?

"Oh" Uhura, correctly reading Janes expression, waved her hand to one side "I'm not still in love with Spock. I love Scotty; he's brilliant, funny and has no issues shouting his love for me from the rooftops"Uhura grinned as she thought about her crazy but lovable boyfriend "But for a long time I felt... resentment that you had from Spock what I had dreamed about for yes."

"So" concluded Uhura "I have never liked you. Respected you? Yes; not even I can deny that you were a fine captain." Uhura lowered her head in shame "A fine Captain whose crew betrayed her at the first sign of trouble."Sighing heavily Uhura admitted "When it became known through the grapevine hat you were pregnant and that Spock couldn't be the father it seemed so reasonable for me to assume that you had cheated especially when Spock came to me so visibly distressed and admitted that he had checked his fertility three times but the test kept coming back positive too him being sterile." Uhura rubbed her eyes tiredly with one hand "I was angry; angry that you could do that to Spock and so was the rest of the crew; we all love Spock as we loved you and I guess we sided with who we considered to be the innocent party."

"But we were wrong" Uhura apologized quietly "We lost the best captain in the fleet and believe me when I say that we regret it; all of the Enterprise crew regrets the fact that you no longer trust us and want us on your new ship; it is hard to imagine you being out there without us to assist and protect you."

"SO the admiralty has told you about the Endeavour?" Jane queried.

"Yes" admitted Uhura softly "And no one on the Enterprise will apply for her, we understand that you no longer trust us to have your back, to protect you." Uhura gave a rueful laugh "How could you? After the way we deserted then exiled you? But you need to know we regret it"

"Okay, you regret it" Jane looked calmly at Uhura "But what has this got to do with Spock and why I will apparently regret not forgiving him."

"I may not be your best friend" Uhura laughed ruefully "I may not be any sort of friend for you but I know you love Spock, I have watched that love grow; first with envy and then with reluctant acceptance as even I had to admit that you were good together" Uhura shook her head "No" she amended"You were perfect for each other; true thy'la in every meaning of that ancient Vulcan words so I also know that one day you will forgive him... how can you not; he's your thy'la" Uhura took a deep breath "And when that day arrives and if Spock has reached Kolinahr you will never forgive yourself"

"Maybe I am willing to take that chance" Jane retorted

"Maybe" Uhura nodded "If it was just you to consider you would be that stubborn but it isn't just you anymore, is it?" Uhura questioned, her dark eyes knowing "You also have to consider your daughter, and what with your own upbringing I doubt you are willing to make her fatherless."

And hadn't Uhura just hit the nail on the head?

"You're right" Jane admitted "I don't want Isobel to be fatherless but what are my options? Forgive Spock?" Jane shook her head "I don't trust him Uhura so you tell me how I am meant to have a relationship with him without trust?"

"Give him a chance" Uhura urged "Give him a chance to court you, to rebuild the lost trust between you." Uhura eyes pleaded with Jane "Give him a chance to prove his love and devotion to both you AND Isobel. Because I know if you do, if you give him that chance he will never let you down again"

"I want too" Jane admitted, not knowing why she was admitting this to Uhura of all people "I want to forgive Spock, I just don't know if I can."

"I believe you can" Uhura told Jane with quiet surety "After all you may be able to live without the Enterprise crew... you may be able to replace us with a newer, better crew but you will never replace what you had with Spock; that kind of love only happens once in a lifetime if that."

"And if I can't?" Jane asked "If I can't move on what then?"

"Then I guess Kohlinear would be the only answer but don't let Spock do this without at least trying... because if you do you will regret it because I truly believe that you and Spock could rebuild the trust and lost his betrayal damaged, if you just tried."

Having heard enough and exhausted and emotionally worn out Jane just shrugged "It's late Uhura" she told the linguist "And if you have said all you came here to say maybe we should call it a night."

"Please just think about what I have said" Uhura pleaded before adding "And thank you for listening to me, for not slamming the door in my face" Uhura said quietly before she began to walk towards the door, to leave Jane with her thoughts but just before she reached the door she turned around once more "Good luck on your new mission" Uhura said in a poignant tone "I know you will do Starfleet proud. You always did"

Not knowing what to say to that Jane just nodded and watched as her ex communications officer slip out of the door.

Spock was deep in meditation when the door to his room opened and opening his eyes, expecting to see his father or mother he was shocked to see his elder counterpart walking through the door.

"What brings you here, Selan" He queried addressing his elder self by the name the other Spock had assumed.

"I have come to save you some time and trouble; I believe the earth expression is."

"You have heard about my quest then?" Spock questioned.

"Indeed" Selan nodded "And take it from one who has gone down that path, it is a waste of productivity; you will never purge Jane from your mind, heart or katra."

"You attempted the rite of Kolinahr? You attempted to purge your emotions?" Spock's eyebrows sprung up in shock

"Indeed I tried"Selan emphasised the word try ironically "I failed. Our bond proved too strong for me to purge, too eliminate from my mind or soul." Shaking his head his eyes showing his amusement he went on "The first time that my Jim needed me I ran back to him like a puppy back to his owner."

"I am not you" Spock told his elder counterpart "Obviously your Jim took you back but mine will not. The only way to protect her will be for me to achieve Kolinahr."

"My Jim did not welcome me back with open arms; his sense of betrayal was too great for that." Old Spock sighed "I did not falsely accuse him like you did your Jane; I did worse – I had no reason to leave my Jim except for my fear of the feelings he arose in me."Bowing his head Selan admitted "So, scared of the emotion that my Jim arose in me, I ran like a scared little child. I ran all the way to the temples of Gol and once there I tried to purge the emotions that had scared me so."

Raising his head to look at Spock, Selan voice was quiet when he went on "I failed; our bond was not just an ordinary bond; it was as yours is a thy'la bond. Your bond is unbreakable, my younger self" Selan told Spock "You will never be able to purge your feelings for Jane; they are too strong, too deeply imbedded in your psyche for any chance of success."

"But your Jim forgave you"

"Yes" Spock agreed "But it took time; he did not welcome me back with open arms but with distrust and hesitation to rely on me in anyway so burnt by my betrayal he was." Seran eyes closed as he remembered that trying time "But I persevered I worked hard to rebuild the trust I had so carelessly thrown away, to prove my love for him and eventually he allowed me back in his life, back in his heart and I considered my lesson learnt; I never strayed from his side again until death parted us."

"My Jane will never forgive me" Spock whispered "And she should not; I betrayed her love, I did not believe her pleas of innocence and indeed relied on science and logic as I rejected our child and exiled her from all she loved. She hates me" Spock closed his eyes "As she should."

"She does not hate you" Seran's eyes were kind as he looked at his anguished younger self "No Jane or James T Kirk could hate S'chn T'gai Spock and I should know" the old man confessed a twinkle in his eyes "As I have met a few."

"Give her time, support her in every way you can; both professionally and personally and prove your love to her as often as you can even if it means laying down the Vulcan dignity and her ice will thaw" Selan advised

"I am pleased that your Jim forgave you" Spock told Selan "But despite your reassurance I truly feel Jane will never forgive me; that the only way I can grant her the freedom she desires is to achieve Kolinahr."

"You will fail" Selan told him.

"Then I will at least be a solar system away from Jane and she will be out of my flames reach when next I go into Pon Farr" Spock told Selan solemnly.

"You will never survive Pon Farr without her unless you achieve Kolinahr" Selans eyes were wide with shock as he realised what his younger self was planning "And you will never achieve Kolinahr; which you have always known. Haven't you" Selan accused.

Agonized brown eyes met Selan and wordlessly answered Selan's question without saying a word