Charles was pacing. The pirates watched as he walked back and forth across the forcastle deck. They seemed somewhat entertained by his panicked ranting and hyperventilating.
"What was he thinking?" Charles wrung his hands, speaking mostly to to himself. "I'm not a pirate! I never claimed to be a pirate! I can't fire a cannon! I can't climb a mast! I can't even tie a knot! You guys know that!" He threw a pleading hand toward the rest of the crew.
"You can swab the deck alright." The Albino Pirate offered helpfully.
Darwin let out a frustrated groan that ended in a despairing whimper.
The forecastle door burst open and the Pirate Captain breezed in with the first mate trailing quietly behind him.
Darwin looked up hopefully. The two of them had been in the Captain's cabin since they had returned to the ship. Maybe, just maybe, the Pirate with the Scarf had been able to talk some sense into the Captain. Surely it wouldn't be too hard to convince him of the facts. The facts that said Darwin was as good as shark bait if he took those tests tomorrow. His hopes were dashed the moment the Captain opened his mouth.
"Well, Chuck, You ready to show these fellows what's what?" He asked with a grin and a 'way-to-go' fist.
Charles mouth dropped open. "Captain you—you can't be serious!" He looked desperately over to the Pirate with the Scarf who shrugged apologetically. "I can't take those tests!"
"Oh, pha! Of course you can. And you're going to pass."
"Pass?" Charles shouted, becoming more upset by the second. "I don't even qualify for the entry! That Cutlass lass was right. Why don't you just throw me to the sharks now and be done with it?!"
"Now, Chuck, there's no need to be over dramatic about it."
"Oooh." Charles voice reeked of sarcasm. "I'm sorry! I do tend to be a little dramatic when I'm about to die!"
"You're not going to die. Well, I'm certain you will some day. But not tomorrow in any case. I have a plan!"
"Ooh! I love it when you have a plan!" Albino Pirate clapped his hands in anticipation. The rest of the crew seemed to share his enthusiasm at this announcement.
"What is it?" The Surprisingly Curvaceous Pirate asked, practically bouncing up and down.
The Captain was thoroughly enjoying this reaction. "All in good time. But I must say with this wily brain of mine I've devised the perfect pirate plan. The most ingenious pirate plan since pirate plans began!"
"Captain," The Pirate with the Scarf didn't look as if he liked the Captain's words very much. "If you have a plan we really need to know about it."
The Pirate Captain looked just a little annoyed. "Don't be nosy Number Two. Besides, I want it to be a surprise."
"Why do we have to have a plan at all?" Darwin asked, not sure why they were even having this insane conversation. "Why can't we jut leave?"
"No chance of that I'm afraid." The Captain said as he pulled a biscuit from his pocket and fed it to Polly.
The Surprisingly Curvaceous Pirate hopped down from where he had been sitting on his bunk. "You've been labeled a landlubber."
"Exactly." The Captain waved a finger as he explained. "And if we try to leave with you onboard we would be sunk before we left the harbor."
"Ooh." Charles leaned against the table and dropped his face into his hands. There was no way out. He was a dead man.
The Captain threw an arm around his shoulders. "Don't look so unhappy, Chuck. Tomorrow you'll be the greatest pirate that ever plucked a parrot." With a quick pat to Charles back he headed toward the hatch. "You lads sleep tight. I've got some more planning to do." And with a smug grin he was gone.
"Everything will be alright." The Pirate with the Scarf put a hand on Darwin's shoulder and forced an optimistic smile. "I mean the Captain does have a plan."
Blood Island's town square was packed. The news of Charles test had spread quickly and it seemed that every pirate from the Carribian to the Spanish main had come to see the show. Someone had erected a stand of bleachers on each side of the square turning it into a makeshift arena. The seats were overflowing. There were pirates everywhere! Some in the stands, some milling about in the streets, some crowding in the rooftops of the surrounding buildings. There was a general air of anticipation with plenty of roaring and the occasional random weapons fire. Several pirates mingled among the crowds selling everything from popcorn and ham to pennants that said 'lose the lubbers'.
"This is some turn out!" The Pirate with Gout admired the crowd of spectators from where the Pirate Captain, his crew and Charles waited near one of the shops that surrounded the square.
"You see, Chuck? They've all come to see you." The Captain said cheerfully.
Darwin took a look at the rough crowd who were shouting and throwing things. He shrank closer to the Captain. "They've come to see me fed to the sharks." Charles knew his history and he was getting distinct vibes of Rome and the Coliseum.
"Place your bets!" A pirate in a plaid jacket and a bowler that had seen better days strolled by shouting at the top of his voice and occasionally stopping to collect money from someone.
The Captain flagged him down. "I say, what are the odds?"
"One to twenty."
"Ooo." The Pirate Captain nodded his head in approval.
"Odds?" Darwin scrunched his nose looking to the crew for an explanation. "Odds for what?"
"Weather you'll survive the first five minutes." The bookie pirate said cheerfully, chewing on a cigar stub.
Darwin was afraid to ask but he just couldn't help himself. "Um…in who's favor?"
He looked Charles up and down and shook his head. "Not yours." He gave the little scientist a pat on the chest with the back of his grubby hand. "Don't let 'em down, kid." With that he continued on his way, quickly disappearing into the crowd.
Darwin watched him go, a sense of dread settling heavily in his stomach.
"Don't listen to him." The Pirate with the Scarf placed a hand on his shoulder. "I'm…sure you'll do fine." He managed to pull an encouraging smile.
"Sure!" The Pirate with Gout elbowed Charles in the ribs. "I'd give ye two to three easy."
"Besides!" The Albino Pirate added with a cheerful smile. "The Captain has a plan."
The Pirate with the Scarf gave the Captain a meaningful stare. "Yes. And now would be a splendid time to tell us that plan."
The Captain gave them a cryptic grin. "All in good time." Then he banned any further conversation on the subject by turning away to fawn over Polly who sat contentedly on his shoulder.
Across the square on a raised platform a band began to play a rousing shanty. The level of noise and horseplay lowered somewhat but didn't quiet entirely as a pirate with a bullhorn stepped onto the center of the stage. "Pirates, buccaneers and scurvy rogues!" His voice echoed over the cheering of the crowd. "Put your hands together for the PIRATE KING!" He swept a charismatic hand toward the massive hovering shell that lowered itself to the raised deck. The unusual transport slowly cracked open and the massive, sequined ruler of Blood Island leaped out with a roar that shook the bleachers.
Cheers, whistles and hat waving erupted from the stands.
"WELCOME PIRATES!" He boomed in a voice so loud that it knocked several spectators from their seats. "Are you ready for some action?"
The answer was deafening and unanimous. They were indeed ready for some excitement.
"Pirate Captain! Bring your contestant out!"
Darwin tried to make a run for it but the Captain grabbed him by the back of his collar and dragged the struggling scientist to the center of the square. Number Two followed close behind them looking seriously concerned. It was almost time to begin and they still had no definite plan of action.
The Captain pulled a panicking Darwin up beside him, keeping a firm hold on him so he couldn't escape.
Charles stopped struggling and began to hyperventilate. He glanced back at the crew who stood on the edge of the crowd. They smiled and waved. The Pirate with Gout gave him a thumbs up. This wasn't possible. Why were they doing this to him? Was it some kind of punishment for betraying them and stealing Polly? Feign forgiveness and friendship, lull him into a false sense of security, then humiliate him and have him thrown to the sharks? Deep down he knew that wasn't the case but he couldn't keep it from crossing his mind. After all he was about to die and his shipmates seemed perfectly content to watch.
The Pirate King swept one gigantic hand toward Darwin. "Today we will see if this lad deserves the honor of being called a pirate! Is he a genuine terror of the high seas or a landlubber that's only good for shark bait?"
It was quite clear what the audience thought he was. Darwin shrank a little closer to the Captain as the crowd jeered, booed, laughed and threw things in his general direction. A horseshoe clanged at his feet and a rotten tomato caught him full in the side of the head. The Captain's grip on his shoulder tightened. He wasn't sure if it was a protective gesture or simply to keep him from escaping.
"This evaluation will consist of five tests. When he fails more than one our sharks will have a new friend. The first test will be with cutlasses!" The Pirate King thundered. "To pass he must battle these ten pirates for five minutes…" A group of pirates filed out into the open square. They sized from a tiny fellow about half Darwin's size to a burly black-bearded pirate the size of a gorilla. Every one of them looked as if they chewed nails for breakfast and kicked puppies for fun. Each held an extremely sharp-looking weapon. "…without dying."
"Ten!" Charles squawked. "How can that possibly be fair?"
"Whoever told you pirates were fair was probably speaking of our looks and not our ideals." The Captain whispered. "But don't worry, Chuck." He gave Charles a wink. Aloud he said. "Pirate King!" He raised a hand to get the big man's attention. "Before we start I have a devilishly clever suggestion."
The Pirate King crossed his arms impatiently. "And that is?"
"Well, as Chuck here is an absolute whiz with a cutlass and these poor fellows don't stand a chance against him…"
Charles stared at the Captain as if he had gone completely mad and Number Two frowned curiously, certain this was the unraveling of 'the Plan'.
"…I propose we toss the cutlasses and substitute broomsticks. No use losing ten perfectly good pirates, you know." The Captain pulled a broomstick cut to the length of a cutlass from his beard and brandished it about in demonstration.
There was a lot of booing this idea. It was clear the audience wanted bloodshed.
"Hmm. ". The Pirate King nodded thoughtfully. "Sporting of you to give your opponents the edge. Very well! A broomstick against cutlasses ought to even the odds!"
"Wait!" The Captain held up a hand. "That's not exactly what I had in mind!" But it was too late the Pirate King had already made the announcement and wasn't about to change.
Black Bellamy, sitting in the front row of the bleachers, was laughing so hard he nearly fell off the bench.
"That's your plan?!" Number Two couldn't help but shout.
"Well, that wasn't precisely how it was supposed to go." The Captain admitted with a shrug. "I was rather hoping the other fellows would be using broomsticks as well. Ah, well, no use crying over spilt grog. Hold out your hand, Chuck." He pulled something pink and squishy from his pocket and without waiting for Charles's consent he grabbed his wrist and shoved a very used piece of bubble gum into his hand.
"Ugh!" Completely disgusted Darwin tried to pull away but the Captain kept a firm grip on his wrist as he slapped the broomstick into his hand right over top of the gum. The gum was the perfect adhesive, it stuck the wooden pole to Charles hand with the tenacity of an angry crab.
The Pirate King held up a giant hand, calling for the immidate attention of the audience. A drum roll vibrated over the square punctuating the significance of the burly pirate's words. "The test will begin in FIVE!"
The line of ten pirates put on their scariest faces, most of which would make babies cry, and readied their weapons.
"This can't be happening. This can't be happening." Charles mumbled, certain his knocking knees would give out on him. His heart was pounding so hard he was certain the whole of Blood Island could hear it thundering in his chest.
"FOUR!" The audience began to count with him.
"Captain!" Number Two cried. "Your plan failed. We need to stop this! Darwin hasn't got a chance!"
"THREE!"
"Come on, Number Two, don't get your rigging in a tangle." The Pirate Captain reached into his pocket and pulled out a small matchbox.
"TWO!"
"Goodbye." Darwin whispered, sounding as if he were about to cry. "It was nice knowing you...most of the time."
"ONE!"
In one swift motion the Captain pulled back Darwin's collar, opened the matchbox and dumped several weevils down the back of his shirt. "Good luck, lad." He patted him on the back and gave him a hard shove toward the center of the square.
"GO!"
The Pirate with the Scarf watched in horror as the row of bloodthirsty pirates bore down on the little scientist like a herd of stampeding cattle. If the Captain wasn't going to stop this he would. He started forward, reaching for his cutlass but was yanked back by the scarf.
"Hold on, lad." The Captain ordered. "Sit back and watch the show."
Number Two was about to say something harsh when he saw just exactly what show the Captain meant. It was the last thing he had expected under such circumstances. Darwin was…dancing? He was jumping around in circles, his arms flailing wildly, looking as if he were some wild native stomping around a fire, either that or an old lady trying to kill a fly with a broomstick. His screaming was mostly unintelligible but some of it sounded rather like: "Get them out! Get them out!"
Charles had completely forgotten about the pirates. Oh, somewhere in the back of his mind he knew they were there. But things were crawling on him! Natural reflexes coupled with his knowledge of just how many insects and arachnids in the area were poisonous had him clawing frantically at the little things that were now in his sleeves, on his back and in his pants.
"Look out!" The Pirate with the Scarf shouted as the burly, black-bearded pirate charged at Darwin from behind.
WHUMP! The broomstick, still attached to Darwin's hand swung back, mostly of its own accord, and caught the big man in the stomach. He went down with a crash, moaning like a sick cow. THWACK! Another smaller pirate flew backward, and dropped his cutlass, another fell to his knees, holding a bloody nose. It seemed Darwin's frantic spinning and floundering made him virtually invincible. A pirate couldn't get near him without catching that broomstick in an inconvenient place. Pirates flew through the air one after another landing in a pathetic, groaning heap on the edge of the square.
The crowd loved it. Where only moments before they had been jeering, the audience was now avidly cheering him on. The Pirate Captain and his crew were cheering the loudest.
"Keep going, Chuck! Only a couple more!" The Captain shouted.
"To your left! Look out! Behind you!" The Pirate with the Scarf couldn't help shouting assistance. He was just sure that someone was going to run a cutlass through Darwin's dubious defenses. Mr. Bobo was doing much the same but in pantomime.
"There you go, lad!" The Pirate with Gout pumped both fists as if he were fighting himself. "Give 'em a left!"
"Gooooo Darwin!" The Albino Pirate cried at the top of his young voice.
The Pirate with the Accordion played an Irish fighting tune.
"Time!" Shouted the pirate with the stopwatch. An alarm sounded announcing the end of the test.
Darwin staggered to a stop, panting from exertion as the last weevil crawled out of his sleeve. The crew quickly surrounded him.
"Are you alright?" Number Two asked.
"I-I think so." Charles wobbled a little on his feet.
"We knew you had it in you!" The Pirate with Gout ruffled Darwin's hair.
"Why didn't you tell us you could fight like that?" Asked the Surprisingly Curvaceous Pirate with hands on his ample hips.
"He was just waiting for the right time!" Said the Pirate who likes Sunsets and Kittens.
"You were amazing!" The Albino Pirate gaped at him with a look of complete wonder.
The Pirate King rose from his throne on the stage. "An impressive display!" He shouted. "I don't believe I've seen anything like that since Pegleg Pete battled that giant lobster!" His laugh shook a couple cobblestones loose. "Congratulations! You passed the first test!"
The crowd cheered some more.
"You see, lad?" The Captain gave Charles a friendly punch in the chin that nearly broke his jaw. "Didn't I tell you?"
Darwin rubbed his jaw, staring at both the Captain and the pile of semi-conscious pirates that groaned on the cobblestones. "What happened exactly?"
"You beat the pants off 'em. With just a little help from a certain luxuriantly-bearded pirate." The Pirate Captain polished his nails smugly and gave Darwin a little wink.
"I have to admit, Captain," Said the Pirate with the Scarf. "You had me really worried there for a minute."
Darwin was still staring at the mound of pirates who were now starting to get up and hobble out of the square. "I did that?" He looked back to the broomstick and gum still stuck firmly to his hand.
"Certainly." The Captain said cheerily. "You just needed the right motivation."
One of the weevils—the one who had hidden in Charles' hair—decided perhaps it was safe to come out now and crawled out onto Darwin's face.
Needless to say Charles noticed this right away. "Aah!" He went to slap at it. Unfortunately he completely forgot about the temporary extension to his hand and whacked himself full in his ample forehead with a very solid wooden pole. He went down like a sack of dead fish.
The crew stared down at the now-unconscious scientist at their feet.
"Good thing that didn't happen three minutes ago." Number Two said.
The Captain nudged him with his boot. "Come on, Chuck. No lying down on the job. We've still got four more tests to win."
