Disclaimer: I do not own Avatar: The Last Airbender.


Back to the Fire Nation

Year of the Butterfly-Year of the Penguin


The people had known that Iroh found me and was bringing me back, and they were delighted when they heard that I was in pup once again.

When we descended the ramp and towards the streets, cheers erupted from the masses; some throwing bits of colored tissue paper from the windows, others wishing us long lives and prosperity, the way those people welcomed me so warmly after I had seemingly deserted them touched my heart. As we began our ride to the palace, I watched as the countryside landscape changed before me. Everywhere, the masses crowded the sides of the streets and cheered; but they seemed to be much thinner and looked sicklier.

"I know. It is an ugly thing." Iroh said bitterly from beside me.

"I…I wish there was something I could do to help." I concurred.

"Stop the carriage!" I shouted suddenly; opening the door and nearly jumping out.

"Yukihiya?" Iroh called. I had seen a little girl, crying by the bridge; she looked to be abandoned and neglected.

"Please, Iroh; accept her. She might be young, but she can work." I begged him. Finally, he conceded and offered her a job, which she accepted eagerly.


My return to the palace did not go as smoothly; Kuzon wondered about the paternity of the child in my belly—even though Iroh vouched for me that it was his child—and many of the ladies began to attempt to find some kind of evidence that I had done something-or-another during my disappearance such as sire another child but they could find nothing to prove that I did, at least nothing that would link the so-called 'missing child' to have a Water Tribe paternity. Many contenders, most of whom did not know that I had spent a bit over four years with him on his campaign of the Earth Kingdom, tried to tell Iroh that the child wasn't his, that I was a shameless adulteress, but he would laugh it off, ask them what proof or evidence that they'd actually had to support that claim, and then discreetly threaten them with all of their dirty little secrets.

They were all also wondering why I had begun to wear so much white—usually, when mourning a son, a white crape was all that was needed after the funeral and burial—but none directly questioned me about it; their in-the-gutter minds assuming that some kind of scandal had happened during the near-seven years I was missing.

Aurora, so new to the palace life, would always wander about and get herself into all sorts of trouble to the point that I had to lock her in a small chamber for days on end and occasionally give her water and day-old bread just so she could stop causing such mischief.

Mira kept berating me to relax and let her handle Aurora, she said that in my condition I was unfit to chase after a six-year-old girl, but I refused; stating that she was, after all, my responsibility.

Then came the time when I had to go into confinement; during which I had no information about Aurora besides that she was taken under Mira's wing.

For the terrible lull of three weeks, I read and dabbled in writing, I tried to focus on playing what I had learned from some of my instruments, and I just idly wandered around the chamber or looked out the window; wondering when this would end. I woke up screaming in the middle of the night and midwives, still half-dressed and rubbing their eyes, stumbled into my chamber.

It was a fairly easy labor compared to my other ones—only a few hours long—and at near sunrise on the fifteenth day of the sixth month, my third son was born into the world.

Iroh ran in, most of the messengers and pages of the palace did not get up before sunrise, only to see the umbilical cord being cut and the midwife offered him the baby—blood-covered and all—to him.

Iroh took the small and wailing infant into his arms. "I have a son." He breathed; kissing its forehead.

I clenched the sheets, not caring for the prissy little apprentice at my feet trying to tug them away and complaining, and looked down as the after-birth procedures were done; changing my sheets, redoing my hair and dressing me in a 'special' gown.

"We can name that one Zuko." I suggested; gazing at the sleeping infant in his cradle. He had inherited all of Iroh's features; from his black hair to bodily proportions.

"No. Why don't we name him Lu Ten instead?" Iroh suggested.

A bit perplexed at his sudden want to name his third son by another name, I complied nonetheless.

Prince Ouritsu Lu Ten; it did sound quite nice.


"You shouldn't even be out and about at all, for the matter." Mira replied; her tone more cross than I'd ever heard directed at me.

"Don't be ridiculous, Mira; I feel fine." I said; breathing in the fresh air and sighing with contentment.

"Yes, but that's what worries me; you can't be fine three days after you have given birth, it is just wrong!" she exclaimed.

"How so? I was fine a few days after Tai was born. And Iroke too, for the matter." I had told her about Iroke and at first she was as shocked as I was that Iroh even suggested such a thing but then she seemed to quiet down as if she understood something. How much out of a loop was I?

"Still; it's a miracle that you aren't dropping because of childbed fever." Mira said.

I only rolled my eyes; she always thought that women over the age of thirty-five giving birth would suffer from some kind of disease or another and possibly die.


But I had to bitterly eat my words a day later.

During the night, I tossed and turned in my bed; a feeling of discomfort spreading to my body and my temperature escalate. In the morning, when I had not arisen from bed, Mira and Iroh came in; calling for me. When she put her hand onto my unclad arm, she screamed; her hands frantically slapping at my forehead and cheeks and pushing at my throat.

"Iroh! Send for a doctor, quickly!" she screamed; running for water and herbs.

Some time later, I painstakingly open my eyes, hoping that I would not be blinded by light, and see blurred faces and bodies in front of me; scurrying this way and that.

"The fever, the fever." They all whispered; their tones obviously concerned.

Someone pressed a water-soaked towel against my forehead, to which the sudden chill made me shiver and groan in pain.

Realizing that I was not making any recovery with the traditional methods they had used, the doctors resorted to perform what I often called quackery. They piled me with blankets with bed-warmers placed in between each layer of thick blanket to try and sweat out the fever, they ordered that no food be given to me in hopes of starving out the fever, they even tried to bleed me in hopes of removing the 'bad blood' within me but Iroh stepped in and sacked them; employing regular healers and herbalists who'd had children themselves and also knew more about this fever. At least they didn't attempt at quackery.

Mira told me that during my fever, I was acting delusional; thrashing wildly in bed and screaming "Stop" and, at one time, "Iroke". Once, when I was propped up to receive some food and medicine, some woman made a snide remark while sitting at the edge of my bed and I screamed and lunged at her; calling her Naiya and attempting to strangle her. Mainly, she said, I would beg for Iroh and Lu Ten to be brought to me; so I could see them, but while the healers consented, the younger women refused—unless I was in some kind of crazy spasm, so Iroh might see that I was crazy, as they wanted—most of the time.

Iroh would always come in whenever he could, with Lu Ten in his arms and usually a bottle pressed to his lips because he could not drink my milk, and let me hold Lu Ten to my bosom and whispered soft words to me to calm my occasional hysterical moods.

But there came a time when he could not come—when my fever reached the highest level—and I was barred for the 'Rest Cure'.

For days, as I remember, I lay in bed; fighting for consciousness and my health. 'I will not die.' I thought to myself. 'I could have died in battle, at least I would have died with honor, but I will not die such a ninny's death.' In the end, I closed my exhausted eyes and slept; and slept; and slept.

Ironically, I woke up some days later, feeling much better and less hot, and asked a servant to go down into the kitchen and fetch me a bit of hot milk and rice porridge with a salty egg. When I regained enough energy to receive visitors, Iroh barged inside as I was talking with Lo and, nearly throwing Lu Ten into Lo's arms, practically tackled me and pressed me tightly against him; kissing me all around my face.

I mirrored his responses; crying with relief that I had survived the ordeal and could see him again.

Aurora came in as well, witnessing the entire scene, and her posture sunk; an indication that she was either sulking or disappointed.

I wondered what could have disappointed her at watching us, but the thought left my mind when Lu Ten's cry pierced the air; wailing for a change of diaper.


The palace, save for a few renovations, was the same as it was when I had left it and the people in court treated me all the same; bowing when they were in my presence, calling me by my royal title when they greeted me orally, and everything else that I had grown accustomed to. I dedicated myself to Lu Ten and left Iroh with the politics—though sometimes we switched so he could have the chance to play with Lu Ten—and began to familiarize myself with the new palace children; including Tenera's son Hiyako.

I knew that the child was not illegitimate, Tai had apparently married her a month or so before he had gone off to war and Hiyako was born eight and a half months after he had gone, and felt a sense of pride that I lived to see a third generation of my family and that chivalry was not dead in the world.

Tenera and I would joke that Lu Ten would never understand why his nephew was almost four years older than he was; and if he asked, we would just say that it was the way life was.


For the second time in my life, the first time was after the incident with Ane, I began to take contraceptive herbs. I had spoken with Iroh about it and he also agreed; visibly shaken by my fever episode. Often, I would feel some guilt; it would mean that I would not give Lu Ten a brother or sister and he would have to grow up an only child.

When I could steadily walk long distances, I would go to the Cliffside shrine where my daughters'—and now my eldest son's—ashes were encased and place candles or offerings or flowers on the small dish on top of the shrine.

Once, I stayed there fasting and praying for three days until Iroh found me and half-carried me back to the palace to have me force-fed with jou. After I had swallowed the last grain, he and I had a very long conversation about my grief.

Instead of just letting myself sink deeper, he tried to occupy me with hobbies or even send Lu Ten—who was growing at quite a fast rate—to keep me busy just to make sure that I did not do anything irrational. Though I pouted and whined like a child, Iroh refused to succumb to my demands and made it clear that it was for my own good.

Even if I still didn't think so.


Lu Ten was a squirmy young child; with a bright smile and a zest for life that would have matched his father's; he would laugh when a cattail swiped at his face, or cry when he wanted attention, and Iroh and I simply could not refuse him: let him spend the night in our bed, why not; take him riding with us, it would not hurt; a light at his bedside, alright; save for when it came to buying him too many novelty and superfluous items, we would not refuse him.

Then, for some strange reason, he began to fear the dark. One night, we awoke to his screaming and ran the distance to his room; finding him distraught and shaking with fear. He described to us a dark monster with glowing red eyes and a wild mane towering over him and opening his large mouth, his breath warm and moist, and that was when he woke up shaking; it sounded almost like Azulon on a bad morning.

After shooing away the onlookers—some of whom jeered at him for being a 'weak-minded boy'—we stayed with him and kept a small candle burning at his bedside for many a nights.

On especially frightening nights for him, such as that of the rainy season or lightning storms, we would stay with him and give him mild doses of a sedative for children.

"He has never feared the dark before." Iroh whispered to me when we were sitting on either side of him in his bed.

"Mira better not have interfered." I griped; knowing that nearly everything that had gone on in our family was always somehow linked to her.


"Come with me?" Iroh asked softly; holding out his hand.

I had been grieving again—at least he did not think that I would go insane without some guardian—and recently had stopped eating. I had protested that it was Lent, and that my actions were justified, and he stated that during Lent, even the poorest ate grains and vegetables.

Sighing, I accepted his offer and let him pull me to my feet and out of the solitude of my suite.

He led me into the sun gallery, where the portraits of all members of the Royal Family hung.

With little interest, I regarded a few Fire Lords of the past and kept walking. He stopped me in front of a particular one and I looked up; almost bursting into tears. In front of me was a portrait of Tai, dated to show that it was painted on his thirteenth birthday, wearing the standard Fire Nation armor and his eyes alight with happiness. Most likely, the armor was a present from Iroh and he had just told his son that he could enlist in the army as his understudy. I almost fainted upon seeing how happy he was; even without me.

Iroh caught me before my knees gave out completely and I began to cry; the portrait showed another beloved child of mine whose life was cut short because of my own foolishness.

"It is not your fault." Iroh said firmly as he tightened his grip; he was reading my thoughts again.

"How can you say that?" I mumbled; feeling the guilt weigh heavily in my heart.

"Tai died to protect you; the ultimate way to show how much he loved you and Katara and Laetitia were victims of a scheme to poison you; had they not been expelled from your body, the Earth Kingdom loyalist—" I was glad to hear that his voice held bitterness at those three words. "—would have succeeded in murdering you. Children are a great joy to have in a marriage, but if they come at the price of you dying, I would not have wanted to risk it." Iroh said; taking my dark hands into his.

I felt my conscience loosen its grip on my heart, but it was still my fault. I know that I sound like one of those melodramatically depressed characters in a tragedy play, but sometimes people do feel that they are; they are depressed, I mean.

Sadness is one of the best yet least known emotion in the world; everyone feels it from time to time, but there is no explanation to why humans compel themselves to grieve because of various reasons; sometimes, in the opinion of the masses, a ridiculous one.


I was at least able to look directly at children again and not have to fight the sting of tears at the back of my eyes after that moment of consolidation.

At that time, I also noticed that many of the children at court were either severely ill-educated or just uneducated; what had happened to the schooling system I had known before I had gone? In an effort to preserve the high education rate in the Fire Nation amongst the higher class, I began speaking with Kuzon about a Royal Academy for the upperclassmen to send their children for their education.

He agreed with me on most of the aspects, but insisted that there be two of them; one for boys and one for girls. I was perplexed at his demand, but complied; I knew that without his support, I would never have been able to fund or build the academies.

The last issue to be settled was where they would be placed.

"Kinjo Island." I immediately suggested; it was large enough for two academies and more, and it was scarcely inhabited so there wouldn't be many people or animals who would object to building two large royally-funded academies.

With that, accountants began to pull some money from the coffers of royalty and nobility alike and geographers went to scout out potential building areas, and announcements were made for the new construction projects.

Once, Iroh had gone out to see the progress—"Take me with you!" I screamed—and came back with only news that it was going well.


I sighed with a groan; trying my hardest to mask my despair.

It was a week after Iroh's birthday—forty-five, and I to turn forty-two three months after!—and age had finally begun to work its affect on him. No longer could he jump out of bed at dawn and ride on his horse until dusk, run athletic foot races that were more than a mile long and always win, and many other things that were once signs of him being in his prime.

"Remember, Yukihiya; it's natural." Iroh said; regarding me by firelight.

"I know, but…" I just didn't want to age.

Iroh rose up; closing in the few paces it took for us to be in touching distance again. He kneeled down next to me; wincing as we heard a small cracking sound coming from his joints. "We've lived all the years we could like that, did we not?" he asked gently.

"Yes." I sighed; looking instead at my hair to search for grey ones.

"Everybody dies one day." He was reading my thoughts again.

"I don't care about death." As long as I am with you, I mentally added.

He took my hands into his; squeezing them lightly. "When it comes, it will come; remember not to fear death, sweetheart, but fear the unlived life." He replied.

"Should I put that in our verse book?" I asked with a small laugh.

Our 'Verse Book' was simply a journal in which we scrawled whimsical and philosophical sayings in. Iroh had begun it in his childhood years and we added on from there; at that time, we had filled up a bit more than a third of it.

'Fear not death; fear only the unlived life.'

How I wish I could have followed that verse.


"Look, mommy! Look!" Lu Ten shouted; holding up a painting he had made on rice paper.

His sixth birthday had just passed and we had gotten him a watercolor set as a present.

"Oh, how creative, little one." I said; smiling at him. In reality, his drawing seemed to be blobs with stick legs running around on uneven grassland on a grey-blue sky while the sun was ironically also shining.

"It's a…donkey." I said upon seeing that his supposed 'animal' had a long face with a short tail and its two hind legs kicking up in the air.

Lu Ten pouted; a sign that I was wrong.

"No, it's a—." he began, but someone called our names. It was Aurora; running up the hill while dragging her two-sizes-too-large yukata behind her. When she came over to us, she was out of breath and tried to make her reverences but failed clumsily due to her ill-fitted clothing and her state of physique.

"What is it, Aurora?" I asked politely; placing Lu Ten's drawing onto my table and holding down the corners with little statue weights.

"Iroh requests your presence." She breathed.

At once, my concern grew; the last time he had called for an audience with me, he had announced that he was going to the battle front again. He can't go; during the battle at Yuanzuo, he had sustained an injury to his chest and was subjugated to a strict 'rest cure' of bed rest and almost no exercise. Yes, he had gained a bit of weight during the two or three years that had followed, but since he began to exercise again, he had lost most of it.

Leaving Lu Ten to Aurora, I started quickly on my own. As I was turning the hallway, I slammed abruptly into another body.

I would have apologized, but I was able to see who it was before spewing out my explanation.

"Aren't you going to apologize, runaway?" Ozai sneered at me. I stood up huffily; my back erect.

"Royalty never needs to apologize." I replied coldly, repeating one of his own creeds, and continued my way.

"You wished for an audience with me?" I asked calmly upon entering his chamber and finding other military personnel there.

"The twentieth legion is planning a small coup on the Northern Water Tribe and wanted your opinion." Iroh replied simply.

"I cannot say much; I have not visited that part of the world for nearly thirty years." I said instantly; willing myself not to think too much about my past there.

"Still, do you think it will underestimate the Fire Nation or will it prepare itself?" one man asked.

"A surprise attack never fails." I said; not wanting to be counted horribly wrong.

"Alright. Thank you." A third, much younger, man said. As I was going out the door, I heard him grumble that "the little dried-up renegade isn't telling us anything" to which he received a punch from my husband for saying such things about me.


The years had gone by so fast, I thought as I put Lu Ten to bed; it was nearing Kurisumasu already in the year of the Dove.

Suddenly, I felt a hand grab my upper arm and almost pull me away from Lu Ten.

"What are you doing?" I whispered to Iroh.

"You must go; go back to the Southern Water Tribe." He whispered.

It took me a few seconds to process his words. "What do you mean?" I nearly shouted at him.

Iroh's face was etched with sadness and I could infer that his sudden command to me was not exactly his own decision; most likely the tide of change had forced this upon me and Iroh was only trying to save me. I glanced at Lu Ten sleeping in his bed and felt anger directed at Iroh for even suggesting it.

"Iroh—!" I managed to keep my voice from a shout loud enough to wake my son but I still could not hold in my despair and anger that I had to direct at him.

"I am sorry; I cannot explain right now, but you must go; for the safety of yourself, Lu Ten and countless others." Iroh whispered, almost desperately.

"Why?" I asked, looking for some clue in his eyes.

"Listen to me; Kuzon is dead. And Azulon's reign is about to begin." Iroh stated.

"So?" I breathed; Azulon and I had a mutual like/hate kind of in-law relationship, didn't we?

"I know you and Azulon are on good grounds, but now that Azulon is Fire Lord, Ozai and I are locked in a power struggle and I fear…." Iroh's voice suddenly broke.

What did he fear? And why was Ozai's name always coming up during the times of distress and sadness? Everything led back to Ozai; all of my misgivings, problems, and disgrace. Why couldn't HE have been the one to die rather than any of the noble people I had known? Or anyone else who've lost their lives in the so-called 'great war'?

Apparently, this was why Iroh thought I'd had to leave the Fire Nation; Kuzon had seemingly died a 'natural' death. Still, the prime suspects of murdering Kuzon are Azulon, Iroh, and Ozai. Neither of them could leave the palace because if they did, it would be proof that one of them murdered Monarchy; which has the death penalty as punishment. If I was the one who ran away, it would seem that I had killed Kuzon out of my love and loyalty to Iroh or because he had committed a crime against me. These days, it was more common that a female had killed a man because of a personal issue rather than a man killing his kin for political power, property, wealth, et cetera. If I took Lu Ten, I would be marked as a kidnapper and could be hunted as a criminal; I would be a true outcast if that happened.

But what I could not grasp at the time was why it was necessary for me to actually run away; building a small home for myself on one of the uncharted/uninhabited islands in the Fire Nation and living there until I heard that I was permitted to go back to the mainland could have sufficed, couldn't it?

In the hallway, first, I pushed him into a vase; a surge of pain compressing my shoulder serving as a reminder of my first 'visit' to the Southern Water Tribe.

He pulled himself up from the shattered porcelain and grimaced. "I deserved that." He said. He was serious, I thought in despair, and I sighed; it would have been pointless to try and argue anymore.

"Just promise me 3 things." I murmured; looking up at him.

"What are they?" Iroh asked; coming forth. I knew from his eyes that he was actually saying 'anything.'

"First, promise me that you'll look after Aurora and my other servants; Lo and Li, for me. Aurora needs guidance and all of them need safety in a place like this." I told him.

"Of course." He said and I knew he would be true to his word.

"Second; promise me that my sons…Iroke and Lu Ten, are always safe; until I can come back and see them again. Also, make sure that Iroke receives the same education as Lu Ten, wherever he is."

"Everything and more."

"Third…do not forget me." At that point, he pulled me into a tight embrace.

"My heart, who can ever forget you?" he murmured; his voice, though soft, shaking.


"Let me say my goodbyes." I begged; it was the eve of Kurisumasu, two days after the death of Kuzon, and it was apparently my time to go.

Iroh silently nodded and I ran down the hallway first to my son's room; taking out the small sack that I had hidden in my dress. Kneeling down besides his bed, I took out the little music box—what was supposed to be his present—and placed it and the key in his hand.

"Mom?" he murmured sleepily.

"Shh." I quietly soothed him. "Happy Kurisumasu."

"But—."

"Just don't tell anyone." I whispered quietly; at least my voice did not break.

Tucking him in again, I wound up the music box, the keyhole doubled as the part where one wound it up to play music, and placed it on his nightstand.

Taking a shuddering breath, I began to sing.

This is what I brought you, this you can keep.
This is what I brought you, may forget me.
I promise to depart just promise one thing.
Kiss my eyes and lay me to sleep

This is what I brought you, this you can keep.
This is what I brought you, may forget me.
I promised you my heart just promise to sing.
Kiss my eyes and lay me to sleep

Kissing his forehead, I pulled back; thank Agni he was not listening as much to my words than the melody. I knew Iroh was standing in the doorway as well, and continued to sing in my quiet tone.

This is what I thought, I thought you'd need me.
This is what I thought, so think me naïve

I'd promised you a heart, you'd promise to keep.
Kiss my eyes and lay me to sleep.

He had come up next to me and kissed my eyelids, and then my lips.

As the haunting melody continued to play, we left our son in his chamber and snuck out onto the docks. He gave me what I needed—clothing, basic tools for building shelters, and a large supply of Fire Nation preserved foods—and helped me into the boat. Before I sat down, he pulled me up once more and held his body against mine.

"When I come for you—." He actually said when!

"I know." I breathed; my own shaking limbs encircling his abdomen. He lowered me into the boat and I began to paddle.

My entire being screamed to turn back, and throw myself at his feet; begging not to let me go, but I could not; I had made a promise to him and I had to keep it. Such a flaw in my character; I would obey him even if it cost me my happiness; I still felt that I owed him much.

As I continued to paddle away, I felt the wind blow furiously against my face; even the air protested my leave. I was leaving the "sun nation" and going to a barren, desolate wasteland of nothing but ice and snow; how I despised the ice and snow.


Disclaimer: I do not own AFI's song Prelude 12/21 nor the saying from Tuck Everlasting.

Poor Yukihiya! What about Hakoda? His arrival is imminent, but not in the way you think.

Review, please.