First there was nothing but a vague throbbing. Some time later voices slowly faded into existence.

"That's some bruise."

"He's alright, isn't he?"

"He's fine. But I'll bet he'll have a whale of a headache."

"Let him take the next test in his sleep. I always eat better in my sleep."

"He's not waking up."

"Perhaps he needs a little incentive. Alright, Mr. Bobo. Let him have it."

SPLOOSH!

Darwin bolted upright gasping and sputtering, a cascade of cold water snapping him instantly awake. His first thought was that he had been thrown in with the sharks and he nearly started swimming. But as his conscious mind took a firm hold he realized he wasn't actually underwater but merely drenched, sitting in a puddle on the cobblestones looking very much like a drown rat. Mr. Bobo stood beside him with an empty bucket looking quite entertained, the rest of the pirate crew standing just behind him.

"Up you go, lad." The Captain grabbed Darwin's hand and yanked him to his feet.

"Oooh." Charles moaned just a little. He put a hand to his head and winced. It felt as if someone had beaned him with the main mast. A red line stretched from between his eyes to his hairline, neatly bisecting his forehead.

"I think his forehead is swelling." Remarked the Surprisingly Curvaceous Pirate.

Albino Pirate shook his head. "No. It always looks like that."

"So, Chuck," The Captain threw an arm around the little scientist's shoulder. "Ready for some ham?"

Charles blinked at him, still not completely cognizant. "Um…no. I'm not particularly hungry."

A few pirates in the surrounding crowd overheard and gasped in horror and indignation.

The Captain gave him a smart 'smack' in the back of the head. "Have you completely lost your barnacles?" The Captain hissed in Darwin's ear. "Don't go around refusing ham!" Then he turned to the crowd, patting Darwin on the top of the head. "Poor little fellow took quite a blow. Not himself yet, you know."

Darwin slapped the Captain's hand away, now quite conscious enough to be annoyed.

"Don't worry." The Albino Pirate said excitedly. "You'll love this next test!"

"W-what makes you think that?" Darwin was already getting nervous. The more he thought about these tests and what awaited him if he failed the more his stomach churned.

"You get to eat ham!" The young man clapped his hands excitedly, clearly wishing it were him taking the test.

Darwin's face turned a little green. So that's what the Captain had meant. It was part of the next test. He placed a hand on his troubled midsection. He would lose this one for sure.

There was a hand on his shoulder. "Don't worry." The Pirate with the Scarf smiled. The confidence in his voice was genuine this time. Darwin guessed he must have been let in on this particular plan. "We've got it covered."

"We've arranged some helpers for ye'." The Pirate with Gout added.

"Eat as much as you can until we come out with the distraction." Number Two continued quietly so the crowd around couldn't hear. "Then shove the rest under the table."

Charles frowned a little. "Won't they check under the table?" Most of these pirates weren't exactly the crème of intelligent life but surely they were smart enough to cover their bases.

"There won't be nothin' to find." The said the Surprisingly Curvaceous Pirate, his voice dripping with the glee of conspiracy.

Now Charles was even more confused. He wished they would come right out and tell him what they were going to do. He was about to ask just that when Black Bellamy's voice rose above the surrounding crowd. "Yo!"

Bellamy sauntered up to Darwin and Pirate Captain. Darwin stiffened but held his ground.

"Nice show, little man." He said with a nod of approval.

Darwin blinked. That hadn't been what he had expected from this man. "Um…what?"

"That bit with the broomstick." The black-mustached pirate hooked a thumb over his shoulder. "Don't think I've ever seen fighting like that."

Darwin swapped a suspicious glance with the first mate. "Er…thank you."

"Yep. Best cheating I've ever seen. I still can't figure how you managed it."

Charles took in a small breath and looked up at the Pirate Captain who seemed completely unconcerned by the accusation. The crew however shuffled their feet and shared nervous glances.

"Now, now, Bellamy." The Captain wagged a finger at him. "You know cheating is against the rules…in this test, anyway."

"Which is exactly why I'll be watching you." Bellamy gave both the Captain and Charles a long hard glare.

"Why, thank you." The Captain said with a cheery grin and a punch to Bellamy's arm. "Chuck, here is sure to give you a good show."

The goateed pirate narrowed his eyes and raised his voice for the surrounding pirates to hear. "Dude, are you going to get on with this thing or stand here playing tiddlywinks?"

The Pirate King rose from his throne on the stage. He too looked impatient. "Pirate Captain, is your contestant ready and sufficiently conscious?"

"Oh, yes." The Captain grabbed Charles arm and pulled him up to the table. "He was just taking a bit of a breather. Must do that every now and then, you know."

The Pirate King nodded as if only somewhat satisfied by that answer. "The second test will evaluate not only the contestant's appetite but also his love for ham!"

The crowd cheered, some screaming their love for ham at the top of their voices while others waved their 'ham! It's what's for dinner tonight!' pennants.

The Pirate King motioned one bejeweled hand to the picnic-like table that had been placed in the center of the square. Draped over and hanging clear down to touch the cobble-stoned street was long, once white, tablecloth that sported several mismatched patches. Sitting in the center was a plate piled high with four gigantic steaming hams. "Any pirate worth his belt buckle can eat at least four hams in one sitting."

There was a general murmur of agreement throughout the crowd.

Darwin's thick eyebrows rose as far up his forehead as they could possibly go. Just two of those hams were about as large as he was. There was no possible way he could eat four! He glanced worriedly over to the crew. The Pirate with the Scarf seemed to notice his distress and pointed downward mouthing the words 'remember—under the table'. Charles was still thoroughly confused about this plan of theirs. Surely as soon as the table was moved they would be found out. But he nodded anyway. Perhaps there was more to this plan than they had time to explain. He hoped so.

"And so," The Pirate King continued. "If this little fellow can down four hams within the allotted time he passes."

"If not we'll start popping the popcorn!" Someone from the crowd added. The comment was met with raucous laughter from the rest of the audience.

The Captain led Charles to the chair and sat him down at the table. The little scientist ventured a peek under the tablecloth and nearly fell out of his chair. Three pairs of eyes stared back at him, three shiny black noses twitched and three tongues lolled and drooled hungrily. He quickly dropped the tablecloth back in place, hoping no one else had seen the efficient disposal hidden under the table. Dogs. It was pretty brilliant actually, Charles thought in surprise. That is if no one saw them and that there would be a sufficient amount of distraction for him to get the food from off the table to under it without being noticed. But considering the massive crowd that surrounded him and would be watching his every move that was a pretty big 'if'.

The Pirate King motioned to the pirate with the stopwatch who held it at the ready. "The test begins in FIVE!" The audience counted down with him.

The Captain pulled a large bib with 'I 3 ham' written on it and tied it around Charles neck.

"FOUR!"

Darwin readied himself by picking up the two utensils beside his plate and realized to his dismay that they were a butter knife and a spoon. He would have to eat with his hands.

"THREE!"

Bellamy and Cutlass glanced at each other briefly with the understanding that neither of them would take their eyes off Darwin for a second. If he cheated they would know.

"TWO!"

Mr. Bobo held up two notecards and gave Darwin an encouraging smile. Think. Hungry.

"ONE!"

Darwin picked up one of the bulging hunks of meat. Under such circumstances it was the most intimidating piece of food he had ever encountered.

"GO!"

And Charles instantly began stuffing his face, tearing off as big of bites as he could manage and swallowing scarcely before he had time to chew. His stomach was already a little queasy and he had to force each bit. This was absolutely barbaric!

Most of the crowd booed at his small bites but after his last victory there was a noticeable percentage that were cheering him on. The Pirate Captain and his crew were, of course, among them.

"Come on, Chuck!" The Captain shouted, honestly appalled at rate Charles was eating. "Eat like you mean it!"

"Aw. He's tryin', Captn'." Said the Surprisingly Curvaceous Pirate looking as if he felt a bit sorry for the little guy. "That's ten times better than he eats on the ship."

"Usually you can only get about half a sandwich down him at a time." The Pirate with Gout remarked. "We ought to threaten him to eat more often."

The Captain shook his head. "For heavens sake! Polly eats faster than that!"

The Albino Pirate was beginning to look a little concerned. "I think he's turning green."

The Pirate with the Scarf had taken note of just how ill their crewmate was looking as well. "Captain, perhaps now would be a good time."

The Captain nodded in agreement. "I'm right ahead of you, Number Two!"

Charles had nearly finished the first ham and already felt as if his stomach would either explode. It seemed as if he had been eating forever, one bite after another of the meat that…would…never…end. After this was all over—if he survived—he would never be able to look ham in the face again. And right now he wasn't certain he could physically take another bite without swooning. Just when he was about to drop the meat and surrender, death by sharks or no, his rescue came.

The Pirate Captain leaped onto the table and with an over-dramatic look of horror screamed: "Great Neptune's braided beard! It's Jack the Ripper battling a horrendous octopus!"

Everyone within a half-mile radius turned to look…including Darwin.

A commotion quickly grew through the crowd as a figure in a top hat and black cloak tumbled through the street, vigorously contending with—at Darwin' best guess—a huge tangle of rubber tubing. The fellow growled, roared and shouted nautical curses at the 'beast' as he rolled through the streets.

Even though he had been waiting for it it took Darwin half a second to realize that this was his cue, the distraction he had been waiting for. As quickly as he could he snatched the plate with the remaining hams and dumped them under the table where they were instantly gobbled out of existence. With one swift move he placed the plate back on the table…and froze.

Bellamy stood with both arms crossed and his narrowed eyes fixed directly on Darwin. The little scientist felt his pulse quicken and he started to sweat. With all the willpower he had he swallowed that last mouthful of ham with an audible 'gulp'. Had he seen?

A moment later an alarm sounded announcing the end of the test and the entire crowd turned their attention back to Darwin and the now-empty plates. A cheer erupted across the square. With a triumphant grin the Captain hopped down from the table and pulled Charles to his feet.

"Congradulations!" The Pirate King bellowed from the platform, his voice vibrating over the gleeful audience. "It seems you have passed the second test!"

Despite the lurching in his stomach Darwin smiled as the boat's crew gathered around to shake his hand.

"Hold on! Hold on!" Bellamy stepped onto the table, waving both hands. The crowd turned to hear him. "There's something fishy here! And I'm not talking about the bay."

"Bellamy, what is this?" The Pirate King raised a dubious eyebrow.

The goateed pirate hopped off the table. "Take a look at this!" With a flourish he ripped the tablecloth away.

Darwin gasped, certain they had been caught. But there was nothing to see. The only thing beneath the table was the cobblestone street and one lone hambone. Nobody noticed the Albino Pirate shooing three four-legged pirates with wagging tails off the square.

The Pirate King shoved both hands on his hips impatiently. "And…?"

Bellamy's dark eyebrows lowered dangerously, his hand tightening around the tablecloth. He shot the Pirate Captain a squinting glare that had daggers and explosives written all over it. But he shrugged it off as he turned to the Pirate King. "Just sayn' that this thing could really use a wash." He held up the tablecloth lamely.

Cutlass rolled her eyes and Bellamy shrugged. It was the best he could come up with on short notice.

The Pirate King chose to ignore them. "The next test will begin in ten minutes!" He announced and at once several pirates came out onto the square to remove the table and set up the equipment for the following trial.

"Marvelous job, Chuck." The Captain said proudly patting the young man on the back.

"Ye did fine!" The Surprisingly Curvaceous Pirate marched up wearing a black cloak and carrying a top hat under his arm.

Charles smiled weakly, still feeling as if his midsection was three times the size it should be.

The Captain nodded in agreement. "When this business is over we'll have a special ham nite to celebrate. What do you think of that?"

Charles turned a deeper shade of green, clamped a hand over his mouth and hurried off to shove his head into the nearest rain barrel.

"Perhaps we shouldn't mention ham for the next few days." Number Two suggested, wincing in sympathy as the little scientist threw up again.

"Nonsense, Number Two. Ham is the best medicine on four legs!"