{Karkat,Eridan}

"Kar!"

A muffled wail in his ear alerts Karkat that his expertise is needed once again. Sigh. He subtly closes out the viewport he'd been using to watch (not spy on!) the alien dipshit before turning around to assess the situation.

Eridan, a frequent visitor, is standing there. Eyes watery; check. Biting cape; check. Screwing around with ridiculous jewelry; check. Well, wasn't this just dandy?

"Alright, who fucking turned you down this time?" He demanded. "Was is Sollux again? I told you last time he doesn't hate you like that."

The seadweller mumbles something inaudible.

"Speak up, nookstain!"

"I tried to get Ter to auspisticize..." He says, pouting. "She told me I smell like cough syrup and hit me wwith her cane."

Karkat smacks himself on the forehead in disgust. Had this dumb ass seadweller learned NOTHING under his tutelage? After the countless hours spent on educating him about romance, this was the result?

"FUUUUCK. Eridan, what did I tell you about grey-rom? What did I tell you!" He rages. "There needs to actually be a danger of you two killing each other off! There needs to be passion! Understanding! An auspistice needs to genuinely give a shit about the other two, you can't just go around willy nilly asking whatever random fucker you happen to meet to get into a committed relationship with people they barely know! That isn't a thing you can do!"

"Wwell sorry for tryin'!" Eridan sasses back, dropping his cape. "I just knoww she was gettin' annoyed by our bickerin', it was all ovver her face!"

"GRAAAAH!" Karkat is suddenly so infuriated he is unable to say anything coherent.

"Seriously, Kar! Anyone wwould'vve thought the same thin'."

"You are an idiot!" Karkat scolds loudly. "Quadrants are way more fucking complex than your puny think pan seems able to handle! Really! What is wrong with you!"

Eridan's face droops. "I dunno, Kar. I just don't knoww."

Shit. Now the fishboy was making his pity sack pulse in empathy. Shiiiit.

"Listen," Karkat tries in a softer tone. "We're only six sweeps for fuck's sake. Stop getting your bulge in a twist over this quadrant stuff and slow the fuck down. Just try to be a friend for a while."

"I-I guess I'll try." Eridan sniffles. "Thanks Kar. For puttin' up with me and everythin'."

"No problem."

Even after Eridan leaves, he finds that his pity sack won't calm the fuck down for a long time.