Cutlass Liz cocked a hip and gave Black Bellamy a serious look. "You're sure he's cheating?"
"Well, yeah!" Both his black eyebrows raised in a 'no duh' expression. "Listen, babe, do you really think one little library lizard with a broomstick could wreck that much havoc on ten of our roughest pirates all by himself? I mean we are talking about the same little nerd...you've seen him right?"
She glared for a moment, considering running him through for calling her 'babe'. Instead she said, "So what are we going to do about it?"
"We even the odds." He gave her a cocky grin and held up a large wrench.
"You're not going to throw up again, are you lad?" The Pirate Captain eyed Darwin suspiciously as if not quite sure what to make of him.
"No. No I'm alright now." Darwin swept a few loose strands of hair back in place, trying to pull himself together after the commotion of the last two tests. He and the crew stood in the fringes of the crowd near the line of buildings at the edge of the square. A hotdog selling pirate ambled by shouting his wares and the moment Darwin caught one sniff of the steaming meat he wrapped both arms around his stomach. Okay so maybe he wasn't as alright as he thought he was.
"Gee," The Albino Pirate stared at Charles with a mixture of concern and confusion. "I've never seen anyone get sick after eating ham before."
"Nor I." Added the Pirate with Gout."
"It's just not natural." The Surprisingly Curvaceous Pirate shook his head as if completely ashamed of Darwin's behavior.
"Yep." Said the Pirate with the Accordion. "Ham's good for what ails ye."
"As beneficial as the properties of ham are..." Darwin rolled his eyes just a bit at the pirate's ridiculous obsession. "The amount of ham one consumes should not exceed the capacity of one's stomach."
The Pirate with the Scarf jumped in, defusing the conversation before it escalated into an argument or a full-blown brawl. Mr. Bobo dropped his popcorn, disappointed. "This next test should be easy." He managed to insert himself between Darwin and the rest of the crew who were clearly annoyed over his ham-insulting remarks. "All you have to do is light the cannon's fuse. That's all. We'll manage the rest."
Darwin looked from the first mate to the captain. He was still a little dubious of their plans but, despite all reason and logic, they had worked so far. But this time he didn't want to be in the dark. "So how exactly will this work?"
"It's a brilliant plan, actually." The Captain answered, not missing the opportunity to flaunt his genius. "You see while you're down here missing the target we'll have another cannon up there behind you—don't look. It's not there yet.—that will hit the bulls eye right on."
"So no matter where you are aiming there will be a cannonball that hits the target." Number Two finished.
Darwin nodded. The principal was sound. But there was something that bothered him. "Are you sure no one will see you?"
"Naw." The Pirate with Gout waved the hand that wasn't holding his crutch. "We'll be behind Dr. Yanks dental barber shop." He hooked a thumb over his shoulder where on top of one of the shops was a huge sign that was a cutout of a grinning pirate with a fancy braided beard and a missing tooth. The hole for his tooth was just about the right size for a cannon barrel.
"Speaking of which," Number Two glanced at his wrist. "It's about time we head up there. It will take a bit to carry the cannon up those stairs."
Darwin nodded absently then suddenly frowned. "Wait…wait a moment." He grabbed the Pirate with the Scarf by the sleeve. "You're not going to carry any cannon up any stairs!"
Number Two patted the air with both hands. "Not so loud."
The little scientist did lower his voice but kept the scolding tone. "You can't go around lifting things with that side of yours. I don't want to stitch you up again. I nearly had heart failure doing it the first time." After Darwin had removed the bullet from the first mate's side the Captain had appointed him official ships doctor. And although he didn't particularly want the assignment he had been taking his job very seriously.
The Pirate with the Scarf smiled just a little. He was usually the one looking out for the crew, it was part of his job. To have this little biologist telling him what and what not to do and worrying over him all the time was both amusing and just a little tiresome. "I wasn't going to. Now quit fussing over me and worry about lighting that fuse." With that he, Mr. Bobo and the Pirate with a Hook for a hand hurried off toward one of the buildings and quickly disappeared into the crowd.
"Citizens of Blood Island!" The Pirate King's voice rumbled across the square demanding immediate attention and knocking several pirate's hats right off their heads.
Charles swallowed hard as the Pirate King announced that it was time for the third test.
"The object if the third test is to hit that target."
Charles shaded his eyes and squinted into the distance where a bullseye had been painted onto a palm tree. He would have never seen it if he didn't know where it was.
The Pirate King motioned to the cannon that now stood in the center of the square. It stood on two large cart wheels and was much bigger than any of the cannons on the boat. "You may begin."
"Alright, Chuck, off you go." The Captain gave his newest crewmember a slight shove but then suddenly changed his mind and yanked him back by the collar. He looked down at Charles very seriously. "You can light a fuse can't you?"
Charles raised one eyebrow. "Yes, Captain. I think I can manage that on my own."
"Good lad." The Captain patted Charles brusquely on the head. He pulled a small, silver lighter from his beard and slapped into the little scientist's hand. "Here you are. It's never failed me yet."
Charles nodded his thanks and headed for center of the square, willingly this time. He knew the plan now and so far things had worked out. Halfway to the cannon he realized something. The crowd was still noisy and ill mannered but it seemed that more of the pirates were now cheering than they were booing and only a few tomatoes were tossed in his direction. He smiled nervously and waved. Now that complete terror had waned a bit he had time to feel a little uncomfortable with being the center of attention.
That was when he noticed Black Bellamy in the front row of the bleachers. Bellamy was clapping too, a slow deliberate clap with an I-know-something-you-don't-know smile that made Darwin shudder. Cutlass Liz sat beside him looking board and confident. They both looked far too smug for his liking.
He swallowed hard but managed to concentrate on what he was supposed to be doing. He made a big show of evaluating the target and estimating the trajectory, holding a thumb up to gauge the distance. It took just a bit of effort, but he also shifted the cannon a bit as if he were lining it up with the mark.
"Good going, Chuck!" The Captain called from the sidelines.
"Don't forget to check the wind!" The Surprisingly Curvaceous Pirate suggested. He was quickly shouted down by the crowd for giving unfair advice.
With a quick glance at the dentist/barber shop sign behind him -he hoped the crew had the cannon set up by now—he flipped open the lighter. There was a roar and a burst of flame. He yelped and leaped back, reflexively flinging the lighter away from him.
The audience laughed and a few of them made chicken noises at him. This was positively the ficklest group Charles had ever encountered. Why, they were even worse than the attendents of the science fair!
"Sorry Chuck!" The Captain shouted. "Should have warned you. I had it souped up a bit. Doubles as a blowtorch, you know."
Charles grumbled a bit as he snatched the lighter off the ground and lit it, this time expecting the miniature explosion. He squinted, trying to keep himself as far behind the cannon as he dared with a finger in one ear and stretching his other arm out to light the fuse. The wick fizzled loudly as it caught, sparkling as it ate its way down. Charles backed up, closed his eyes and shoved both fingers in his ears. He didn't particularly like canons. They were so...loud.
But apparently this one wasn't. The crackling of the fuse flickered weakly and went out. When he didn't hear an explosion he opened one eye than the other then cautiously unplugged his ears. At this anticlamtic lull in the action the crowd very quickly grew restless and a bit hostile. If this little fellow couldn't even light a fuse properly surely he was the biggest land lubber in history! Darwin held up both hands in a shrug that was equal parts apology and bewilderment as random objects began flying in his direction again.
He hurried back to the cannon, dodging a flying hot dog as he went. He leaned a bit on the big gun to get a better look at the fuse. The moment he put his weight on the cannon the wheels slipped from the axle and the entire apparatus toppled over with a loud clatter taking Darwin down with it. Apparently there was some spark left as the cannon's fuse hissed back to life. A split second later it let out a roaring BOOM. The cannon and ball shot in opposite directions. With its stand and stopper in a crumpled heap the force of the explosion sent the metal cylinder shooting backwards with a screaming Charles still on top of it. The butt end of the cannon, being far heavier than the front, hit the cobblestones and came to an abrupt halt, bucking its reluctant rider violently off. Darwin careened backwards somersaulting so quickly it was impossible to tell which end of him was which. The pirates tried to scatter but Charles hit the Captain and crew and the lot of them toppled like bowling pins.
It took a bit for the crew to untangle themselves. The Pirate who likes Sunsets and Kittens pulled an accordion off his face and rolled off the top of the pile. Albino spit out bits of orange fuzz from the Curvy Pirate's beard while the Pirate with a Gout pulled his good foot from the Captain's beard. Polly scurried circles around the group, squawking and flapping her puny wings.
The Captain sat up as Albino rolled off of him. "Blast! Where in Neptune's nostril is my hat?" There was a muffled groan from beneath him and the Captain looked down to find himself sitting on a very squashed-looking Darwin.
"Mmmph hnnfff!"
"Pardon?" The Captain asked curiously, not bothering to move as he glanced about for his hat. "I can't hear you when you've got your nose to the pavement."
Charles managed to turn his head slightly so his mouth was free but both the right side of his face and his chest were still being ground into the cobblestones by the Captains back end. "Get off!" He managed to gasp with what little air was still left in his lungs.
"Oh." The Pirate Captain hopped up and dusted himself off, completely ignoring the thunderous laughter that shook the square. It seemed that Charles mishap was taken as high quality entertainment. "Thoughtful of you to break my fall like that, lad. But it really wasn't necessary."
Darwin clamped a hand to his chest and gulped for air. Being on the bottom of a pirate pile was certainly not something he had ever expected to experience. In fact being on any level of a pile of pirates was quite a novelty. And now that he knew what it was like he intended to put it on his list of things to avoid like the plague.
"Splendid job, Chuck!" The Captain picked up Polly who still seemed a bit rattled but she calmed down a bit as he placed her on his shoulder. "Although I think you went a little overboard with the theatrics. No need to overdo it you know."
"I'll keep that in mind." Darwin mumbled.
"How did you manage to get the thing to crumble like that?"
"Yeah!" The Albino Pirate put in excitedly as if it were the most incredible thing he had ever witnessed. "I've never seen a cannon fall apart like that before!"
Darwin's dark eyebrows lowered and he leaned close with a conspiratory whisper. "I think it was tampered with."
The Captain's eyes narrowed. "You mean you think someone is cheating? Now what kind of scoundrel would go around rigging a contest?"
"You mean like we're doing?" The Albino Pirate asked innocently.
"Exactly!"
"I'm sure I know who-"
"What a unique display of marksmanship!" The Pirate King boomed, a laugh still in his deep voice.
Darwin and the crew turned to face the stage as the ruler of Blood Island spoke.
"Very entertaining!" The King went on. "Do you always fire your cannons like that?"
"O-only on special occasions." Darwin answered, pulling a smile and fidgeting a little.
"Amazingly it appears you have passed this test as well!" The massive man waved a hand toward where the target used to be. The palm tree was blasted clean in half, a jagged stump was all that remained. The target board lay in red and white splintered pieces on the ground.
Charles let out a small laugh. "That was nothing! W-would you believe I sunk a ship from a mile away?"
The Pirate King cocked an eyebrow as if he wasn't quite sure if he ought to be impressed or skeptical. "I find that hard to believe."
Darwin realized he had over done it a bit and his smile became even more nervous. "Would you believe half…half a mile?"
"I don't think so."
"Well, I-I dropped a cannonball through the ship's dory." He shrugged, hoping it would be taken as a joke.
It was. The Pirate King put a hand to his ample stomach and roared with laughter.
Number Two, the Pirate with a Hook for a hand and Mr. Bobo pushed through the crowd and joined the crew. All three of them were looking particularly proud of themselves. They waved at Darwin. Mr. Bobo gave him a wink and held up two cards: Nice…Shooting.
Black Bellamy threw a hand toward the huge gaping hole in the side of Maynard G's Meat Emporium. The wood was recently splintered and dust still hung in the air. On the floor just inside, amid scattered sausages and hamburger patties was a cannonball. No one had noticed that there had been two explosions almost simultaneously; one sent a cannonball conspicuously into the bullseye. But the other ball had gone unnoticed in the commotion and it had ended up here. "There's proof. They are totally cheating!"
Cutlass Liz cocked an eyebrow as she surveyed the damaged shop. "I take it you have a plan."
"It's time to play dirty."
