Our Muggle-repelling charms have grown so very old and worn. How long until the barrier is broken? How long?

Welcome to Hogsmeade.

Our top story: Last night's Hogwarts board of governors meeting ended in bloodshed, as a rift in time split open in the great hall, setting loose several confused and physically aggressive hippogriffs. The time-turner responsible remained in movement and spinning incessantly, a dizzying sight that witnesses say resembled first years scrambling to find their way through the school's interminable changing staircases. The hippogriffs attacked mostly male students with blond hair. Authorities are still unsure why, as Hogwarts's only hippogriff expert, Rubeus Hagrid, still has not recovered from the death of his monstrous flesh-eating spider. It took most of an hour to corral the panicked beasts back through the rift in time and resume the meeting, which had mostly been upon recent house-elf efficiency, and had devolved into name calling because Minerva McGonagall called Alecto Carrow "a bit tubby" and said "maybe she needs a financial incentive to eat less." In my opinion, McGonagall is dangerously obsessed with the Gryffindor Quidditch team winning the cup. Dangerously so. No one was injured or killed in the incident, although experts from the Accidental magical Reversal Squad estimate close to five hundred galleons of damage has been done to the great hall—and that cost includes free shackles for disobedient students with complimentary installation and consultation.

It's election season again, and you know what that means! The Dark lord's Death Eaters will be coming by to collect certain family members so that everyone votes the correct way and there's no confusion. These family members will be held in a secure and undisclosed location, which everyone knows is the Shrieking Shack just outside of town. But don't let the name fool you, listeners: it's been used for years for so many kidnappings and illegal detentions that the shack is actually a pretty nice location these days, featuring four-poster beds, free pumpkin juice, and wizarding wireless service. Also torture cubicles, but I don't think the Death Eaters are going to use those. Remember, this is the Dark Lord's world now. Vote correctly, or never see your loved ones again. This message brought to you by the Death Eaters.

This just came to me through the Floo network: the Death Eaters have issued a new statement shedding more light onto last night's Hogwarts board of governors meeting incident. The rift in time and subsequent hippogriff attack that brutally interrupted discussion of student license over Unforgivables during detention sessions stayed open long after Hogwarts staff thought they had rounded up all the half-bird half-horse beasts, and authorities warn that there is still at least one hippogriff on the loose. Citizens should disillusion themselves and hide in an unplottable basement.

Several curious Quidditch players coming in from the pitch actually popped their heads into the time portal just to see what was on the other side, and came back dramatically changed. The players' heads aged in reverse until several were sporting the heads of babies on full-grown adolescent bodies. Those Quidditch players now straddle the unenviable border between irreversibly maimed and cripplingly insane. Since psychological and emotional damages are no longer being treated by Madame Pomfrey due to the staggering of cases involving said damages coming out of the Death Eater regime, no actual injuries are reported. I'll update you as details surface in our special ongoing coverage of hippogriff attack gate. Are we safe from half-breed beasts? No way.

The Death Eaters have asked me to read the following message. If you notice strange enchantments around any of the following objects seen around town: gold cup, heavy locket, jeweled sword, nondescript black diary, terrifying snake, ornate stone ring, or engraved diadem, please report to the Death Eaters for indefinite detention.

Speaking of the Death Eaters, they voted this week to remove the large, murderous Whomping Willow from the nearby school grounds. You know, the one that attempts to pummel anyone who comes near it to death. Proponents of the measure said the tree's known history of having grievously injured no fewer than two dozen students was at worst a gross violation of school board policy and, at best, rather irresponsible. Many Hogsmeade citizens attended the meeting, including, it was said, several members of the Order of the Phoenix—although no Order member is admitted to have been present for the meeting or any other event ever, for that matter. Old man Aberforth agreed with the measure, adding that the tree was a breach of the ban on experimental plan breeding, and that the old tree was nothing but a ticking time bomb. According to the meeting minutes, Aberforth said, "That old tree of Albus's. Oooooooh, that bloody tree. Somebody's going to have their eye put out, and Albus won't be here to pick up the pieces, like usual."

Potter, beautiful Potter, tragically shorn of his locks, reportedly was the only dissenting voice—but it is not clear he actually opposed the measure, as the minutes only report him stating, "I don't have time for this, there's no time," into a mirror shard in his hand and then running dramatically from the Three Broomsticks private meeting booth. He was still absolutely perfect, and smelled of Drooble's best blowing gum.

It's almost Quidditch season, and the Slytherin team is gearing up for a defense of the cup title. But really, as long as we beat Gryffindor, fans and Death Eaters alike will feel just fine. Madame Hooch stated she's particularly excited about the progress beater Vincent Crabbe made during the off-season, after that stray engorgement charm hit him and gave him the strength of a blast-ended skrewt and the intelligence of a heavily concussed mountain troll. But, if Slytherin are to beat their bitter rivals this year, and stave off the Death Eater-administered Cruciatus curses that follow a losing season record, Crabbe will have to improve his accuracy. Last year, Crabbe only hit 2 of 130 bludger attempts—most notably, because he had been covered in boils and given antlers by malicious opponents, and because his batting arm had been flayed by Madame Pince due to several overdue library books. Apparently, the off season spell incident has healed Crabbe of his unfortunate ailments and staff-administered injuries, and he's ready to take on Gryffindor, which is probably the worst team ever. Merlin, they're dreadful.

We have an unexpected treat today, listeners. Live in the studio we have one of the Dementors often seen patrolling town. I did not actually invite him here; he was just waiting for me when I unlocked the studio this morning. He has not moved, nor spoken since then, and I'll be honest: I am only guessing that he is a he, because physical attributes are hard to determine under those cloaks, and the face is entirely hidden in shadow as empty and black as the void of space. But hey, we're doing radio! Let's see if I can get an interview.

Mr Dementor, how are you doing today?

-static-

Huh! Okay. Care to comment on the visions of my family under torture I am currently experiencing?

-more static-

Any comments at all? Anything you'd like to tell the people of Hogsmeade about your rapacious hunger for human misery?

-static getting louder-

Listeners, I'm sure you can hear this. It's not a problem with your wireless or my transmitter. The Dementor is flying around in a flurry and creating droves of mist. It's ridding me of all happy feelings, actually. Alright! I don't think he's going to stop, and he's started to levitate, so let's go to the weather...

Ladies and gentlemen, we have just received word that the rip in time that opened at last night's Hogwarts board of governors meeting has been sealed at last. The final missing hippogriff has been returned to its own timeline in either the far future or distant, Dark Lord free past. The creature was found flapping frantically towards the gamekeeper's cabin, devastating the school pumpkin patch and leaving pumpkin viscera splattered across the grounds. Witherwings was returned to the time rift, the gateway closed, the governors' meeting rescheduled for next Tuesday at 6pm. The meeting will continue to address the important issue of free periods, and whether or not they are giving students time to form dangerous rebel groups. There will also be a memorial service for the 38 parents and students who lost their lives in the attack, followed by a raffle. Remember, winners must be present at the time of the drawing or serve as target practice for the Carrows.

Coming up next, stay tuned for a one hour special Celestina Warbeck concert broadcast. And listeners, Hogsmeade is a magical place, full of history and secrets... as we were reminded today. But it is also a place of the present moment, full of life, and pure blood. If you can hear my voice speaking live, then you know: we are not history yet. We are happening now. How temporary is that? Goodnight, listeners. Goodnight.