Close your eyes. Let my words wash over you. Pretend you are safe now...

Welcome to Hogsmeade.

Local historians are protesting the removal of the snake in the Shrieking Shack no one acknowledges or talks about. While their protests have been hampered by the fact that none of them will acknowledge or speak about it, they did—through a system of gestures and grimaces—convey the message that whatever the snake is, and whatever its effect on nearby neighborhoods, it is the Dark Lord's favourite and should be protected.

The snake itself offered no comment, only a low hissing and gnashing of fangs. The Death Eaters would not provide any reason for the removal, but did say that any work in the Shrieking Shack was making way for new Quidditch equipment, a picnic area, and Mudblood torture cubicles, which we can all agree are good contributions to the community.

Vincent Crabbe, beater for the Slytherin Quidditch team, has reportedly grown a second head. It is not currently known whether this is a result of Gryffindor pranks, or just another odd coincidence in the kid's odd life. People in the know say that the new head is better-looking and smarter than the first one, and even Vincent's mother has issued a statement indicating that she likes it much better than her son, and that she will be changing the rankings on the public "Which of My Filthy Disappointments I Like Best" board outside her house.

Crabbe could not be reached for comment... probably. I didn't try.

Friends, listeners, there's a real Acromantula problem here in Hogsmeade. Many residents have called in to report that illiteracy, unwanted pregnancy, and violent crime are on the rise in the Acromantula community. The Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures is addressing these concerns through after school programs called, "Teach a spider to read. Stop them from devouring our flesh in a blind rage."

Those interested in volunteering should stand in their bathtubs and weep until it is all gone. Nothing left. You can let go now. Let go. Shh. Let go.

And now a message from our sponsors!

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Act today, or tomorrow. Not Wednesday. Wednesday is no good for us.

Anyway, we're almost out of airtime, so just come on down to the Chamber of Secrets and huddle with us.

Or else.

Back to our regularly scheduled programming.

Witches and wizards, the rumor mill is abuzz. We've had a celebrity sighting in our little burgh. Old man Aberforth and one of his Order friends reportedly saw Bathilda Bagshot buying mice in bulk at the Magical Menagerie over by the Owl Post. Bathilda Bagshot, wizards and witches, right here in Hogsmeade! Can you believe it?

Old man Aberforth said Bathilda was looking a bit older, moderately dead, and considerably more snakelike—but the Order assured her it was indeed Bathilda. They're the Order, after all—they know everyone's secrets, right?

Wow, Bathilda Bagshot. Right here in Hogsmeade. Just imagine!

Update on the snake formerly in the Shrieking Shack that no one acknowledged or spoke about. It seems the Death Eaters, in their supreme mercy and all-seeing glory, have chosen to move the snake's empty glittering magical cage directly in front of this very radio station, where it is continuing to be what can only be described as... indescribable.

More on this story as it develops...

The Hogsmeade Community Theater is holding auditions for its fall show, "The Fountain Of Fair Fortune." Interested thespians should bring a photograph and resume to the Three Broomsticks lounge on Thursday night. All auditionees must perform a one minute monologue and sing a Hobgoblins song. Bring sheet music if you would like piano accompaniment. Auditionees will also be required to do a cold reading, and give blood and memory samples, along with mandatory Obliviation following the auditions.

Do not sing anything from Celestina Warbeck.

Mudbloods are forbidden from auditioning, as Hogsmeade Community Theater is no place for filth. Actors with dueling training, wandless magic, and the power of flight are a plus. Final casting will be announced in secret via the Floo network. No one can ever know.

Listeners, do you ever think about the Dark Mark in the sky? I was sitting outside last night, looking at the Mark and I thought, "Does anyone actually know what that thing is still doing there? Have there been any reports on this?"

I went to ask Potter, but he hasn't been seen much since that treacherous Granger's vile haircut.

The Mark's weird though, right? It's there, and there, and then suddenly, it's not. And it seems to be pretty far up. Is it spying on us for the Dark Lord? If not, why is it still there? Is it an indication we are about to die? Hey, give us a chance. We may not always be the best Death Eaters in the world, but we try.

The Hogwarts board of governors has announced some changes to the school curriculum. They are as follows.

-In response to parent feedback, History of Magic will focus more heavily on textbook reading and traditional exams, rather than torture sessions courtesy of the Carrows.
-Care of Magical Creatures is adding a new type of monster, on the grounds that it's been a while since anyone has done that. The new type of monster is "vimby," and it is categorized by its pale blue colour and the fact that it can swallow you in a single bite by unhinging its jaw. House points will be awarded to the first student to successfully breed one.
-Ancient Runes and Arithmancy are switching names. Their curriculum will stay exactly the same.
-Astronomy will now be conducting stargazing sessions only with confundus hexes on every participant, in order to protect them for subversive centaur theorizing. Also, Pluto has been claimed for the Dark Lord.
-All classrooms will be equipped with at least one living teacher present for the entire instruction period. Ghosts will no longer be permitted in any classroom situation.
-Finally, in addition to the current class offerings of Herbology, Potions, Charms, Transfiguration, et al., Hogwarts will now be offering: Mudbloods and the Dangers they Pose to a Safe Pureblood Society, the Dark Lord's Rise, and randomized torture sessions.

Hokey, our newest house-elf, recently brought me a goblet of pumpkin juice. She's waving at me –hello, Hokey- and she's saying... wait, what was that, Hokey? I see.

She's saying that Bathilda Bagshot has turned a mottled black and blue, and is causing small whirlwinds in front of our radio station doors. There is apparently the smell of rotting flesh, as though someone had been dead for many weeks before being discovered.

Oh, Hokey has stopped beating herself with a table lamp, and is now writing furiously on a piece of parchment. She's handing it to me... thank you, Hokey. Let me see here.

Ahh.

It says that the Death Eaters believe the reason for the violent reaction of Bathilda Bagshot, is because she was a human vessel for the snake formerly in the Shrieking Shack that no one acknowledges or speaks about. They urge me to stop speaking of it and never do it again, and in exchange, they'll move the glittering cage somewhere else so I can get my front door back.

After a brief consideration, I have decided to accept the Death Eaters' offer, because they are trustworthy leaders looking out for our better future, and also because Hokey just got vaporized by a strange green light emanating from outside.

To the owners of Hokey, I thank you for her service to the cause of wizarding wireless radio, and join you in mourning her loss.

And, without further ado—nor ever again mentioning anything we shouldn't—let's go to the weather...

The service for Hokey will be lovely. We will throw flutterby leaves and weep. She will be buried behind Madame Puddifoot's, as is the custom. Her owners will come and moon about the Butterbeer as though we have answers. We do not have answers. I am not certain that we even have questions. I have chosen not to be certain of anything at all so as to make Legilimency sessions with the Dark Lord as painless as possible.

This is Draco, faithfully, speaking to you, purebloods, for Hogsmeade wireless radio, and I would like to say, in the most faithful terms possible, and with no implications or insinuations of ever breaking from the Dark Lord's regime: goodnight, listeners. Goodnight.