Stags, dogs, rats, and wolves are not what they seem to be...
Welcome to Hogsmeade.
We've had some mass Avada Kedavra's reported throughout Hogsmeade in the last couple of hours. If you've experienced one... well then, you can't hear me, can you?
The Death Eaters say that they are still working to determine the cause of the Dark Lord's killing rage—the Dark Lord is roving back and forth across town in a continuous motion, like a great pacing beast.
Those whose neighborhoods have been hit by the curses reported a hissing of snakes overhead, and that when the green light faded, they felt that perhaps they were different people—their memories and identities uncertain in their minds, like costumes that didn't fit exactly, as though it all were actually brand new to them. As though all that was familiar would, ever after, be strange.
Keep your wands and a childhood photo album by you tonight, just in case.
The ransacking of Albus Dumbledore's tomb experienced another setback this week, as Death Eaters determined that the marble casing used to construct the tomb soaks up spells and refuses to crack. This week's failure to break inside was the third in as many months. Slytherin crews have tried using unforgivable curses, ancient runic chants, and angry gestures to break the tomb open. Nothing has worked.
Death Eaters are asking for help in determining how enchanted tombs are opened. If you have any tips, please send an owl to:
Amycus Carrow,
Order of Merlin, First Class,
Hogwarts
Do not use cursive, or long words. Clearly labeled drawings are preferred.
Ladies and gentlemen, it's that time of year again! Time for our annual pledge drive. Sorry to have to do this but, you know, Hogsmeade has a lot of community-supported radio, and the thing about community-supported radio—it's supported by listeners like you... as well as Undesirable slaves, and my mother, who is sometimes just too generous.
Any amount you can give will help me to continue this radio programming—a Galleon or two, or even a life debt.
Take Potterwatch, our local secret rebel station, broadcasting from that strange tall antenna built out back of the Hog's Head on main street. Did you know that it broadcasts out seemingly random static—interspersed with disconnected phrases—twenty-four hours a day, unless you have the password? As you can imagine, that kind of work doesn't bring in a lot of gold... unless it does.
To be honest, here at Hogsmeade radio, we don't know exactly what that station is for or what master it is serving. But I do know that it is a vital part of this community and we should pitch in to help it!
We welcome your support. Give me a Floo call. I don't have an official address—just whisper "Sanctimonia Semper Vincent" into your Floo grate, and the Death Eaters will deliver an appropriate contribution from your Gringott's vault.
More on the tomb debacle.
It was turmoil in the Headmaster's office this morning, following this latest in a long line of failures. The Death Eaters have come under fire from the Dark Lord for wasting time on inefficient methods of breaking into the tomb and going over schedule.
One critic, who wished to remain anonymous, said "Dumbledore would have gone on. There's nothing to be gleaned from breaking into his tomb." They continued to...
[Draco begins to sound angry] You know what, forget it. I can tell you right now that that was Hermione Granger who said that, and she is such a spoilsport, that Granger! Have you ever noticed how both her parents are Muggles? It's filth, pure and simple. Filth. I just can't let her ruin our town by denying the Death Eaters a robbery when she doesn't even come from a proper wizarding family.
The Daily Prophet has announced that, due to spiraling printing costs, they will be replacing the print edition of the paper with a special new imagination edition.
Senior Correspondent Rita Skeeter explains: "Instead of confining our readers to the outdated modes of ink on paper, we are allowing them to choose to let the Dark Lord's Death Eaters into their heads by means of Legilimency to implant the news directly! This will not only save costs, but will allow the Death Eaters to root around in readers' heads a bit in case they are hiding anything."
Subscription to this edition will be compulsory and automatic, and it will cost a mere sixty Galleons a month.
This Friday night at Hogwarts, it's the first Quidditch match of the season between Slytherin and Gryffindor. Winners of the game will get to participate in the development of new, more painful Unforgivable curses for the Dark Lord's use, as well as a fundraiser for Saint Mungo's.
So, even if you don't like Quidditch, come on out and support a couple of great causes. Last year's Cup Match ended in a rout, as the Gryffindor Keeper blocked every Quaffle aimed at him. Slytherin claim there there was some Felix Felicis involved as their efforts to discourage the Gryffindor Keeper through deeply personal, insulting song lyrics were largely ignored.
It should be a fun one! Expect a real revenge-minded Slytherin team to take the pitch on Friday. Dementors will be roaming the grounds, hunting down those who do not attend. The first 50 students to show up will receive mandatory, excruciatingly painful Dark Marks.
And now, traffic.
There's a Ford Anglia soaring above the tree line by Hogsmeade station. Travelers should have little delays, as the Ministry is fiercely denying this report. In fact, Ministry representatives have just issued a statement, claiming that there are no flying cars anywhere, and, "What are you doing, talking about them, talking silly lies, you silly people? There are no cars, what is this Muggle nonsense? Oh, please, do you seriously believe for a second—wait, wait—you thought that we'd let anyone drive a car and live?"
The Senior Undersecretary to the Minister continued, "Hem hem, that is rich."
Good news for broomstick hobbyists! Those invisible black, skeletal Thestrals that appeared around the forest in June and caused massive airborne collisions? Well, they've finally been herded away, as new outposts for Ministry interrogation chambers must be built on their territory.
The Slytherin Quidditch team, local broomstick racers, and the Dark Lord (who likes to fly overhead without warning) are just pleased as pleased can be about the news.
Several petitions have cropped up, however, from neighborhood magical creatures rights organizations. Rubeus Hagrid, enthusiastic proponent of one such organization, said "These are seriously misunderstood creatures, these are!" before collapsing into tears and loud moaning. Hagrid was then taken by force to the Hogwarts Infirmary, where he is reportedly causing a great deal of trouble.
Meanwhile, I hear from trustworthy informants that there will be a Butterbeer stand installed outside the Quidditch pitch. Dee-licious.
This just in on Dumbledore's tomb gate: the Death Eaters said that, in response to this week's failure to enter it, they will increase the project budget by twenty million Galleons over the next fortnight—the new timeline for cracking the tomb open. Money for these extra expenses will come from Mudblood Gringott's vaults, a sixty-five percent house-elf tax, and a 276 Galleon Apparition license toll (which will be discounted to 249 Galleons with proof of noble ancestry).
And now for a station editorial.
Large, expensive projects are not uncommon in Hogsmeade. We are a patient, but resilient village. We have great dreams—sometimes frightening dreams implanted by the Dark Lord for his own unknowable purposes and shared by every person in town—but we make those dreams come true.
Remember the Quidditch World Cup? It took eight years and twenty-three million Galleons to build the stadium, and despite its invisibility and unplottability, it is a lovely structure. It's a classy signature for wizarding Britain, unlike that hideous Muggle architecture you see everywhere nowadays. Muggles can't do anything right. That's where Mudbloods like Granger belong. God, what a jerk.
And now, the weather.
Apparently, the Death Eaters agree with me about Granger.
Dear listeners, we just received a report from a reliable witness that two days ago, Granger was bound and gagged by Snatchers, only to reappear earlier this morning dressed like Bellatrix Lestrange.
I want to take this moment to thank all of you out there, for all of the generous donations you may or may not be aware that you just made. During this show, we have raised just a hair over forty-five million Galleons, which includes a forty-five thousand Galleon donation from a certain anonymous blonde benefactor. I can't tell you who, let's just say "my father will hear about this!"
Thank you again for your involuntary support of wizarding wireless radio. We couldn't do it without the support of listeners like you, in conjunction with unethical contributions from Azkaban escapees.
And with that, I leave you alone with your thoughts, folks.
Stay tuned next for "Cruciatus Step by Step" –a special two hour verbal description of how an effective curse is performed.
Goodnight, Hogsmeade. Goodnight.
