"Edward, please!"
"No, it was a mistake going there and you know it!"
I was angry now. I had cried the tearless sobs out of my system and now there was only rage and resentment for what I had done. If I hadn't left her, she would have been happy and we could have stayed together, bliss. I would get my angel and none of this would ever have happened.
"Edward, there has to be another way. There always is!"
"No Alice, maybe for you but there's never been another one for me!"
I slammed the door and ran over to the very corner of my room. I sunk to the floor and let the sobs come out again. I rested my head on my knees as I clutched them, rocking back and pushing into the crook where the walls met.
The love of my life, my reason for living, the only meaning of my existence didn't know who I was. And the worst part was, I had caused it. It was my entire fault she couldn't remember me. If I hadn't left, hoping I was doing the right thing by keeping us apart and her out of danger, she wouldn't be lying in hospital with concussion. She had memory-loss and I had no idea if she would ever remember us or how much she would remember. If she would even remember me…
I had to keep telling myself, this was quite literally, exactly what I wanted for her. I wanted her to forget everything about us, forget that she ever met me or the others. She didn't know that we were vampires and she didn't know what I felt for her. Well, only vaguely. She must've thought that visit in the night was a dream, we did seem so dream-like to humans. Taking the thoughts of Jessica Stanley, we were like demigods that could go out for model shoots. Photos…My mind drifted back to herand the photos I had left under her floorboards… It was childish, I had promised her no more memories and I had left not only my heart with her, but the things I took from her. She was living in heartache, as was I, because of my stupid mistake.
Everything dragged my mind back to her, even in this room. When she'd first come here, how her eye grew wide in amazement at my music collection. How beautiful she looked that day, like everyday. A stab of pain went through my heart like a knife and the dry sobs shook my body. It was right for her, she wouldn't remember anything about us. She would get the chance to live a happy, normal, human life. The precise reason I had left her in the first place. No matter how much my heart protested, my mind knew it to be true.
I left for the hospital with my heart set on being with her. What did I expect her to do? Just welcome me back with a warm and friendly hug? No, I expected a lot worse than that, but this…I would have never even thought of it, imagined it… That she wouldn't know who I was. I wanted her to do something, get angry or anything. I really didn't mind, just being in her floral presence was enough, guilt was already consuming me from the insides before I got there. The minute I said those lies…
Logically, Jasper, again, couldn't be near me, which meant Alice had gone back to him after I slammed the door on her. I could only hear Carlisle and Esme downstairs, Emmett watching the TV and Rosalie working on her car in the garage. My mind went out to them.
I do wish he would come and talk to us. He's so lonely up there. Jasper would normally but it must be so hard for him, especially now that Edward is miserable again. Maybe Bella-
I flinched at hearing her name spoken, even if it was in my own mind. I lost concentration and moved on to Carlisle.
Edward… I know you're listening. Please come down so we can talk to you, we'll try and help as much as we can and if you don't want to, fine, but don't forget to hunt. Bella – I flinched yet again but didn't loose concentration this time –wouldn't have wanted you killing yourself like this. You know that just as well as I do.
What did he know? How could I live knowing that she was out there, going out and dating other men? I wanted her for myself and I didn't want another person, let alone man, touching her. She was myangel and no one else should have her.
What was I doing? How selfish could I get? I had already taken her from the right state of mind for anything vaguely human-like and that 'bump on the head' was hardly a bump. I dragged her away from her human world because I was selfish enough to take what I wanted, but what really shocked me that day was the fact that after she found out what I was, she didn't run or shy away. She didn't care what I was, she just cared about me. It made me love her all the more.
She jumped off a cliff for you, Edward. It was obvious how much she loved you and its obvious how much you love her. Why in the world did you give it up if you knew it was going to hurt you so much? Why would you do that to yourself, Edward? Rosalie's thoughts shattered through my shield of conflicting guilt even though I wasn't listening. Rosalie had told me how she felt about me moping about a number of times but this was the side of her I never got to see, or at least, I hadn't seen it in years.
She snapped me out of my remorse. I got up and jumped out of my window, limbs still stiff from my slouch. I made my way to the garage.
"Hello, Edward." She murmured, eying up her next tool.
"What did you mean?" I grumbled. My mind was drifting back to guilt.
"You know what I meant, Edward..." She said, looking up at me now, her eyes were soft like her voice. I just stood in the silence, holding her gaze. Eventually I had to break it.
"I did it to save her. I didn't want her missing out on anything that her human life could offer. I knew it would hurt me, more than she would know but I had to, I would always put her before me, no matter what. She deserved to live her life."
"But, she just wanted to be with you. Why couldn't you let her have that?"
"I could, I would gladly take her for myself if it was all up to me but by changing her I would be stopping everything and her life would end, even if it was with me. Her human life is so precious and she doesn't see that…But I suppose it really doesn't matter now…"
"Yes, Alice told me…" If possible, her expression became even more warm and caring. She almost reminded me of Esme. "But I thought that was what you wanted when you left?"
"It was…But I went there hoping to set it all right or at least explain why I left even if she wouldn't take me back. When she didn't remember…" I shuddered, trailing off.
Rosalie then did something so unexpected I think, if I was still human I would've fallen over with shock – I wanted to considering everything – but I stood my ground as she hugged me. Rosalie? Hugging?
"Are you okay, Rose?" I couldn't hide the shock in my voice.
"Yes Edward, I'm just beginning to see how you feel. I just thought you were being stupid before. I didn't realize how you could love her as much as I love Emmett or Alice loves Jasper. I'm sorry…"
"Why are you apologizing? If anything I should be. I've forced Jasper away from you all just because of my being here and you've all told me to get over it but…but I can't get over her. She was my everything. She still is…" I sunk to the floor. Blame and depression were dragging me down.
"Edward, you know I can't empathize like Jasper can but I can sympathize with you. I can't understand what it's really like but I can see you're in a lot of pain, and quite honestly, none of us like seeing you like this." She knelt down to be at my level and tapped the underside of my chin. "Cheer up."
And with that she left.
Cheer up? How in the world was I supposed to do that? Without her my life was nothing. 'None of us like seeing you like this.' Was Rosalie trying to tell me something? Didn't they want me here? That was it, that was what she was trying to tell me. They didn't want me here, I was a waste of space bringing everyone down with me.
I stood, after coming to my conclusion and ran as fast as I could into the woods. A little while later, I had caught a deer and had drained its blood from its body. The deer in Forks had a certain flavour about them that I would miss, probably something to do with the hills. I wiped my mouth on my hand and ran back to the house, a lot more cautious than before. I didn't want to get caught by Carlisle and Esme with what I was going to do next.I found a sheet of paper and dug out a pen from a draw in the hall.
After putting much thought into my next move, I have decided it best if I left you all and moved on to somewhere else. It is obvious how much of a liability and a burden I am to each and every one of you. Don't think I won't miss you all. I will think of you all everyday. You'll think I'm doing the wrong thing by leaving but really it's for the best. It's clear how much a mess I'm in and I don't like driving Jasper away from you all, and in turn driving Alice away.
As to where I will go, I think England would be right. It rains just as much there as it does here in Forks so there will be no trouble with the sun. I liked the house we had up on the moors, it was small enough and big enough for all of us and therefore if you did feel the need to stay you would be able to. I won't say no to visitors but I would appreciate it if you didn't come often. I need time to think and work everything out. If she doesn't remember me there's really no point and reason to my life.
That wasn't a suicide note. As long as she still lives I will not take my own life. Even if she doesn't remember me, I will never forget her. It was a mistake to ever leave her and I see that now. I saw that the minute I left her. I tell myself that ever second of my existence and I will never forgive myself for doing this to her. I know it is what I wanted but I can't help wanting to take back my actions.
Please don't worry about me. I can see what I've done to this family and I hope nothing else will happen to worsen the pain I have caused.
Edward.
I walked out of the Cullen household after leaving the note on the side-board, and looked back one last time.
I wonder how Edward's doing…
Esme's thought drove themselves into my mind as if to give me one last chance in staying. I closed my eyes. It would hurt her the most. It wasn't too late just to rip up the note and walk back into my room like nothing happened. One last chance to stop going to England and letting them have a happy life without me. One last chance to stay.
I turned to face the trees…
…And ran…
A/N: Yes, I sent him to England. It's just a lot more easier to talk about if you vaguely know where you are and what you're talking about. I've never been to Forks therefore it's hard for me to know what it's like without actually going there. Then again, that gives me an excuse to go... In the mean time, Google Earth doesn't tell you much about it so I've sent him to Derby (Darby for ye who don't have the British way of speaking, like Leicester is really said 'Lester') Don't ask, just say.
To be honest I've never been to the place I'm sending him, I just know that the middle of England has more rain than London... To my knowledge anyway.
Reviews and I'll start working on Bella's POV straight away!
Emma
