Complete and Utter Truth
"Am I still Hakkai? Goku," Hakkai says, pained deeper than he can admit, "Of course I am. What would make you think I am not?"
Goku shrinks before Hakkai, remembering their incident a few hours prior. "You…yelled at me," he says.
The pitying expression on Goku's face, the smallness of the boy when he has grown so tall, aged so much during their most recent adventures, reminds Hakkai of his own actions—actions that have done this to Goku, though Hakkai never wanted it.
He hasn't wanted any of this. The feelings hot within him, intense and frightening even to himself. He has not forgotten what he did to Gojyo and how he angrily confronted Goku when the boy called him on his strange behavior, but it feels as though an entirely different person committed those crimes. It is not Hakkai.
The healer feels like himself now, but he can also feel the heat of what lies waiting inside of him, just below the surface, ready at any moment to prove he is more powerful than mere limiters anymore. The mere thought of that quakes Hakkai with fear. If his limiters no longer protect against the beast, what can he do to guard his friends against it?
"I apologize, Goku, I did not mean to yell at you before," Hakkai says, turning more fully towards Goku and stepping in closer to keep their conversation intimate. The town roads are not overcrowded, but there is the usual bustle around them, "Please, Goku, I have not changed. I was upset with myself earlier and took it out on you, but I can assure you, I am fine. You really needn't worry."
Hakkai had to lie. He needs time to figure this out before he goes to his friends for help. What would they think of him if they knew how strong the beast is? His own youkai self is not like Goku's. He could not be appeased with limiter practice as Gojyo thought or integrated into Hakkai's personality as Goku is doing with Seiten Taisei. Hakkai's beast is a punishment. It was not meant to roam free.
Goku, quicker than he once was at knowing when he is only being pacified, crinkles his brow at Hakkai and frowns. The knowledge that what has been said is not the whole truth passes between them, but Hakkai does not know what else to say.
"You don't smell like you," Goku says assuredly, "You don't even smell like a youkai. You smell like your body can't decide what it is at all. It's scary. It's scary, Hakkai, and you won't even tell us the truth."
Lowering his head shamefully, Hakkai knows he has been caught, but he still will not admit defeat, "Please, Goku, give me time. You are right to question me, but I do not understand what is happening myself. I only wish to discover the truth before asking your aide. Can you please allow me that?"
Whether or not Goku is simply startled that Hakkai has finally come clean or just because he is Goku and his faith in his friends is boundless, the boy does not counter Hakkai, much as part of him may want to. "Don't take too long then, okay? I don't like worrying about you. You're the one who takes care of us."
Goku tries to smile, hoping Hakkai will smile back. The healer does his best but the expression never quite gets there. As much as Hakkai would like to soothe Goku, he doesn't have any soothing words. He accepts that his role in the group is that of mother, he cherishes it more than he would ever let on, and the last thing he would ever want is to let his friends down.
"And Hakkai," Goku says, looking worried again, "Find Hakuryuu when we get back, will ya? I think he's the most worried and he can't even talk to ya about it."
"Alright, Goku. I'll do that."
And although nothing is truly resolved, the pair continues their trek back to the inn with little other conversation. Hakkai stays much in his own mind, while Goku is likewise buried in his. Each have their beasts to battle but under vastly varied circumstances. Goku almost finds it funny that his own beast has turned out to be more his limited self than Seiten Taisei. He only hopes that whatever part of the beast Hakkai is facing, the healer finds a solution soon.
Very soon.
-----
"You saw him then, the great Gyumaoh himself? And yet you were able to stop the resurrection against such horrendous odds. I almost wish I had been there to see it, though I almost feel I was there after having listened to the tale."
"Believe me you wouldn't have wanted to be there. It was close to touch and go at the end. For the millionth time in my life I thought I'd lost someone…I love. Serves me right, I guess. The little brat actually saved me in the end. In a number of ways."
Meiyuu smiles, holding onto her teacup with gentle hands. She has finished off several cups now, Sanzo as well, but it couldn't not be poured while the monk told the tale of the journey West and of all his harrowing adventures. His mother had jumped several times, but laughed many more.
The story is nearly ended now, leaving very little left to say, save the things he very purposely left out. The dreamworld would have been far too complicated.
"You really shouldn't call young Goku a brat. I found him to be very charming. He seems very devoted to you," Meiyuu says, smiling around another sip of her tea. They are seated on Meiyuu's couch now, each at one end though turned slightly to lean against the arms of the sofa and talk, "You consider him a loved one. I suppose it's easy to see why having met him, and after all that time on the road and…six years before that, was it?"
"Six excruciatingly long years," Sanzo replies with a slight sneer, though the twinkle in his eyes proves how much he really means it, "But we managed. Each with more baggage than should be right. He looks young but he's older than you might think."
Meiyuu gives a slow nod and something like a smirk forms at the corners of her lips. "Young, but I'd guess over eighteen by the looks of him, like his last growth spurt is kicking in finally. At least, I certainly hope he is over eighteen considering you're sleeping with him."
A mouthful of tea very inelegantly spews from Sanzo's mouth, thankfully arcing towards the floor instead of on the sofa or Meiyuu's face.
Sanzo looks up at his grinning mother. He had been alluding, but he hadn't told her that little detail quite yet.
"How…?"
"How did I know? Oh come now, dear, I'm your mother. And simply as a woman I think I know what certain looks from young men mean. The way that boy looks at you tells me just about everything I need to know. Your own reluctance to come out and say it just means you're afraid I'll somehow look down on you." Meiyuu leans towards Sanzo at the other end of the couch. "I would hope after our talks today you know I'm a bigger person than that."
The blush that had flushed to Sanzo's cheeks softens somewhat, though he is still uncomfortable sitting across from his mother when she now knows everything about him, especially something so intimate. "He's…on his way to being twenty. I'm only robbing the cradle on a minor scale, no pun intended. And he started it."
Meiyuu represses a laugh. "I'm sure. He does seem the aggressive type. As long as you make each other happy, then I'm happy for you. Love is a precious thing, Koryuu. Hang onto it. It stings to lose it, but while it is in your grasp it is truly amazing how little everything else matters."
"I know…exactly what you mean," Sanzo replies.
"So, you'll call your friends over for dinner then?" Meiyuu asks as she rises, finished with her tea and sick of it entirely for the time being, "I'd love just a little more time, if I can have it. It has been so…enjoyable talking with you, dear. You've accomplished so much and found so much in yourself. It's the kind of things most mothers can only dream about for their children. Not every woman down at the market can say their son saved the world."
Sanzo scoffs at that. "I'm no hero. I was just doing a job."
The soft clatter of Meiyuu's teacup on the kitchen table echoes in reply. She looks back at Sanzo and their eyes meet. Smiling, Meiyuu nods, understanding why Sanzo thinks that way. "Sounds like a topic not worth arguing with you over, hmm?"
"I'm no hero," Sanzo says again, holding his own teacup perhaps a little too tightly, "I did what I had to. Things ended differently than I thought they would, a helluva lot differently, and now it's done. I'd be back east already if I wasn't sent to make sure humans and youkai are adjusting. I get the feeling your little haven here is the only place that's going to be this hospitable."
Meiyuu knows she cannot deny that. "But it is still admirable you are heading east to make sure people are getting along, even if it is a job. It's admirable that you understand why it is important we all get along. Because we are all just people, and that's all that really matters. You don't have to call yourself a hero, Koryuu, but if others want to, let them. Please. We don't have nearly enough these days." A sad glance at the pictures of her husband on the wall tells Sanzo who she is really thinking of.
Even Sanzo can't deny that heroes are a dying breed. People today are selfish and angry. No one wants to risk their neck for someone else. Sanzo felt the same way not too long ago. It still amazes him how quickly that changed.
While Meiyuu cleans up their teatime, Sanzo goes to the phone on the wall to call the inn. He doesn't even hesitate. He realizes that he doesn't want to leave his mother any more than she wants him to go, because he isn't so much angry with her as he is with fate. A part of him almost wishes he didn't have to go east at all, but there is some truth to Meiyuu's words that Sanzo would never admit.
Even if it wasn't a job, Sanzo would still make this journey. Because he is needed. And for the first time in his life he doesn't mind that feeling.
"I should warn you," he says while dialing the inn's number and glancing back at his mother by the kitchen sink, "with the way Goku eats, you'll need to make enough food for a small village. No exaggeration."
Something in the sound of Meiyuu's laughter as Sanzo makes the call eases the day even more. Hearing it, Sanzo remembers a feeling he had forgotten, but missed so much more than he could ever say.
-----
After shooting the breeze for near an hour while walking through town, Gojyo and Jien finally stop at a small shop for something cool to drink. They grab a table in the back where prying ears won't be able to overhear.
There are a few things they still need to discuss.
"We've had more than enough time to get around to this, Gojyo, and we're still avoiding the subject."
"You've said your apologies. I don't need any more than that."
"I think you do," Jien says, feeling older than he is and like the weight on his heart is two tons heavier today for how much it wants release, "I think you deserve to know a few things you might not otherwise think to ask about. You were just a brat then, but you had to have guessed a few things."
Gojyo doesn't say anything. He uses the arrival of the waitress with their drinks as a distraction and takes his time staring at the swirling liquid in his glass. Lemonade of all things. Right about now he's wishing he ordered a beer. "I knew enough," he says, still staring at the way the ice is dancing so he won't have to meet Jien's eyes, "Knew enough not to ask or push you. Definitely knew not to bring anything up with Mom. Shit. That would have gotten me killed a lot sooner," Gojyo says with a laugh.
Jien doesn't find it funny.
Grabbing hold of Gojyo hands so the redhead will actually look at him, Jien stares into startled red but he isn't seeing an almost twenty-three-year-old. For Jien there is only the little boy he left behind.
"No one abandoned you, Gojyo. No one but me."
Gojyo doesn't understand what Jien means at first, but he allows his brother to speak, knowing how hard it is and how these words have been aching to come out for far too long.
"Our father had a bit of a wandering eye, that's no lie," he says, releasing Gojyo's hands now that he has the attention he sought, "but he didn't run off with some woman and leave you behind. Mom made me swear I'd never talk about it, even to you, but…I remember our father. I remember…the day he brought you home."
A swallow of bile goes down Gojyo's throat. Jien is right; Gojyo never would have thought to ask for this, but he certainly isn't about to ask his brother to stop.
"Looked a lot like me, I guess. With longer hair," he says, trying to smile in reference to Gojyo's own long locks, "Black hair, blue eyes, my markings exactly. Guess that just added to why Mom…got the way she did. It wasn't that they weren't happy. He just…found this human woman one day and…fell in love with her too. That's what he told me, anyway. She lived a few towns away and Dad tried to be part of two lives for a while. But when the other woman got pregnant…that town, it…it didn't look all that kindly on hanyou births. From what I could figure out, bunch of people attacked right after you were born…and killed her. So, in case you were wondering, you ain't gonna find no mother in some town somewhere like the monk. Okay?"
Gojyo doesn't really think about nodding, but he must have, because Jien goes on.
"Dad got pretty hurt trying to get you away from them all. They chased him for a long time, but when they finally gave up, he was…there wasn't anything we could do. He was as strong as you could believe, but it's different fighting when you're protecting something. When he got to our doorstep, he only had about enough life in him to explain who you were before he died."
Jien takes a breath, and a haze washes over his eyes as if he is seeing the events of that night clearly in his mind. He shakes his head to banish them before continuing.
"Mom was really great with you at first, ya know," he says, "She had to protect you for him, she said. But…it wore on her fast. It drove her crazy when she thought of him being with that other woman and of him leaving her alone, and she was always thinking about it. By the time you were walking…she couldn't stand the sight of you. Me…I did what I could. But I guess I messed up too, huh? It couldn't have helped…the things I…did for her…to make her forgot Dad was gone. I know I did a lot of stupid things. So…never think you owe me anything, okay? Because you don't. Some things…just can't be fixed."
It is because of these words that Gojyo finally wakes up. His eyes focus on his brother sharply, and more than anything he wants to take his brother's shoulders and shake. He would never ask anything of Jien. As far as he is concerned, Jien doesn't owe him anything either.
Soiled goods indeed.
"Guess we'll both be blaming ourselves till the end of time, eh, bro?" Gojyo says, grinning as much as he can manage and leaning back in his chair, "But I do think you're wrong about things being fixed. Some things…fix themselves over time, and nothing needs to be done about it. Because ya see, some things…don't need to be forgiven."
A huff leaves Jien's lips but he knows not to disagree. He thinks he really is more like his brother than he might have once thought. "I'll take your word on that then. And…guess I must be taking my leave too. Wouldn't want to get back to the castle too late tonight and wake everybody up." Jien is already standing as he says this, not having taken a single drink of his own lemonade.
"Now? You're taking off?" Gojyo says, standing too, and not even bothering to make his words sound offhand. He's liked having Jien around; he doesn't mind if his brother knows that.
"Can't bog you boys down when you've got your problems stewing and a mission left to complete on top of it all," Jien says, "We'll cross paths soon again, I'm sure. Isn't hard to find you four, ya know."
Gojyo has to grin at that. They do have a tendency to leave a certain trail behind them. Though hopefully youkai bodies won't be part of that this time. "Yeah…soon, huh? Maybe when this is all said and done, there won't be a need for parting at all."
"Yeah…maybe," Jien smiles. He bops Gojyo on the head then before pulling his brother in for a half-hug. "And you behave yourself. If I hear you're causing trouble, I can be wherever you're at in a heartbeat, and I can and will kick the shit out of you if I have to."
The grin on Gojyo's face widens. "Right back at ya."
"Say goodbye to the others for me, will ya?"
"Yeah. Yeah, I will."
They start to walk for the door, but Jien turns back before heading down the path that leads to where he parked his dragon. "And Gojyo?"
Gojyo looks up expectantly.
"Keep an eye on that boyfriend of yours. He's a good catch," Jien says, leaning in close to whisper the end of the phrase, "But scary as all hell sometimes."
Gojyo is still laughing even after Jien has disappeared. He starts heading back to the inn to find his scary-as-all-hell lover, but the closer he gets to the front doors, the more he wonders if Jien had a point back there.
Hakkai has been acting a little bit stranger than usual lately. And earlier that afternoon something happened. They had a quick romp, but…Gojyo barely remembers it. He still feels a little sore in places, though not as sore as he his to not remember why. He tries to wrack his brain about it, but whenever he does he gets the strangest flashes.
Hakkai on top of him. Hakkai wild. Hakkai completely surrounding every inch of him.
Normally Gojyo would find such reminiscent flashes erotic, but not when they are accompanied by a feeling of suffocating, like there is no air to breath, no air at all, no air anywhere.
The whole thing makes Gojyo shudder and makes his feet move that much faster to carry him back to the inn.
-----
Goku is pacing in the hallway. There was a message at the front desk that Sanzo wants them all to come over to Meiyuu's for dinner, which nearly made Goku jump out of his skin for joy. But he can't focus on that when his thoughts are still raging over Hakkai. Try as he might, Goku can't shake the feeling that something is very, very wrong.
It is during the height of his pacing, back and forth between the two doors, one of which Hakkai escaped into long before, that Goku catches first smell then sight of his good friend Gojyo.
"Finally!" Goku calls, running up to Gojyo practically out of breath, though the sprint was only a few feet, "Where's Doku? Did he go?"
"Yeah, said to say goodbye to you lot, too. Now would you mind not clinging to me, monkey-boy," Gojyo replies, attempting to shake Goku off the sleeve of his button-down shirt. The shirt. What had happened to his other clothing?
"But Gojyo, I gotta talk to you about something!"
Gojyo had been wearing his usual clothing that morning. Did something happen to it when he was with Hakkai? Why can't he remember?
"Gojyo!"
"What?!" Gojyo nearly yells, returning his mind to the problem of the monkey on his arm, "If you need to tell me something then spill it. I'm in the mood for a nap, not a yelling match."
Goku, looking cowed, releases Gojyo's sleeve but does not move out of the kappa's personal space. "It's Hakkai. I already talked with him, but…I don't know, I don't think he's really listening to me, ya know? He thinks he can handle it but I got this feeling…"
"Whoa, hang on a sec," Gojyo breaks in, holding up his hands to slow the monkey down a bit, "What's this about Hakkai?"
"Hakkai. He's been acting all weird and he smells different. I know you're not full youkai, Gojyo, but you had to have noticed too. It's getting so strong I can smell it from out here."
"What are you talking about, smells different?" Gojyo had certainly noticed Hakkai acting strange, but sniffing his friend hadn't yet crossed his mind. Then again, this is Goku he is dealing with, and Goku does everything in a food related manner.
"Come on, Gojyo, you've noticed, haven't you?" Goku presses, knowing to lower his voice since it had started to raise quite a bit and Hakkai really isn't all that far from them, "Hakkai hasn't been like himself for awhile now. Even Hakuryuu's noticed. And what was with the blood I smelled from your room earlier? That was just weird. Coz I mean if you two wanna—"
"Blood?" Gojyo says the word softly, but in a chilling enough way that Goku cuts off immediately, "What…blood?"
It dawns on Goku then that Gojyo might be more in the dark than he is. And that scares the monkey even more. "Gojyo…I smelled blood from your room before we went to Meiyuu's. You have to know about it. You were in there. And…it…well…it smelled like you."
At this mention the blood currently in Gojyo's body runs cold. He should remember if Goku is so certain, but he doesn't. How could he not remember his own blood being spilt?
"Gojyo…you okay?"
"Yeah, I just…I need to think about this. Is Hakkai in the room?"
Goku nods. "Should be."
"Okay. You…you just forget this stuff for now, alright?" Gojyo explains, still feeling chilled but looking down into Goku's eyes with complete seriousness, "I'll handle Hakkai. If something really is wrong then…ganging up on him won't solve anything."
Much as Goku may agree with that, he doesn't like the idea of leaving things to chance, not when Hakkai has been acting so strange. "But…but, Gojyo—"
"I'll handle it," Gojyo says again, "It's Hakkai. He always finds his way through things like this."
"Yeah, but…what about Meiyuu?"
Gojyo starts. "What about her?"
"Sanzo left a message that we're s'pposed to go over there for dinner."
Great. The last things Gojyo wants to do right now is drag Hakkai off into public to continue faking he's okay. "You go. Tell them Hakkai's not feeling well and I stayed back to help him. Sanzo won't buy that but at least Meiyuu won't think we ditched."
"Well…okay."
When Goku has finally conceded to head for Meiyuu's, Gojyo falls back against the wall of the hallway and releases a large sigh. And the day had begun so promising too.
It takes several minutes before Gojyo works up the nerve to go inside the room, which he is surprised to find locked. Good thing he actually bothered with the extra key for a change. Entering, Gojyo decides it might be best to lock the door behind him again but at the last minute he changes his mind. He doesn't like to think this way, but a quick get away is always a nice option to have.
Again to Gojyo's surprise he finds Hakkai asleep on the bed, curled up in the blankets with his monocle set on the nightstand. An easy transition, Gojyo supposes, since Hakkai had technically already been in his bedclothes.
Gojyo is forced yet again to think of their clothing. It shouldn't be strange, but it is. He can't remember why he is no longer wearing his usual clothing or why Hakkai chose to wear his bedshirt. They removed their clothing to fool around, fine, but what happened to it that it couldn't be worn again?
Glancing around the room Gojyo tries to see if he can spot the clothing anywhere but comes up empty. The room is spotless. Either Hakkai has the clothing in the laundry or he tucked it away somewhere. Either way makes Gojyo suspicious. If things got rough enough or wild enough to ruin clothes, Gojyo really should remember.
Slowly, Gojyo approaches the bed. Hakkai is facing the window, away from Gojyo, but the healer is indeed sleeping if the even rising and falling of his back are any indication. Something has sure worn Hakkai out.
Gojyo is actually pretty proud of his ability to be stealthy, until an unexpected blur of white scales flashes in front of his face and he nearly screams aloud. "Hakuryuu!" he whispers harshly at the flapping dragon, "What the hell are you doing?"
The little creature appears to have only been startled by Gojyo, much as Gojyo was startled in return, and settles quickly onto the kappa's shoulder, kyuuing apologies.
"Yeah, you better be sorry. What's with hiding beside the bed like that? You trying to keep an eye on him too?" Gojyo strokes the dragon's head as he says this and nods down at Hakkai's sleeping form.
Hakuryuu kyuus in affirmation.
"Can't be nothing then if you're worried. The monkey said Hakkai don't smell right. That true for you too?"
Hakuryuu kyuus again.
"Great. Just great," Gojyo grumbles, moving to the window to sit on the window seat and think about all this a while. Hakuryuu stays with him, perched on his shoulder, and settles in to get comfortable, "So what does smelling different mean anyway? He smell more like a youkai?" Gojyo asks.
Hakuryuu tilts his head but does not reply.
"I'm guessing he doesn't smell more human."
Again nothing.
"So what the hell is it?" Gojyo says, perhaps a little too loudly. He looks over to be sure Hakkai is still asleep. Seeing as how the healer has barely moved, he figures he is safe, but still, he lowers his voice again as he continues talking to the dragon, "What is it? What's happening? He's not a normal youkai. Maybe he wouldn't ever really smell like one. Maybe it's…that he's smelling more like…the curse, whatever the hell that means."
A very solemn kyuu responds to this, but Gojyo isn't sure if it means he guessed right or if Hakuryuu is simply as worried as he is.
"Doesn't leave us much choice then does it? Means we gotta figure out why he's wigging out, and fast. Coz Goku's one thing. But if Hakkai's other side takes over…I…I don't know what that means. Goku's just looking for a balance, but Hakkai…I push him but I'm starting to get it that without his limiters he isn't himself at all. No wonder he ain't saying nothing. He must be scared out of his mind. Shit…" Gojyo runs an anxious hand through his hair, wishing for a second that he had his headband to pull it at least a little from his face, or that he had a pair of scissors to just cut it all off again.
Best to not do anything too drastic when tensions are high, Gojyo knows that. He'd probably regret losing his locks in the morning. But the thing is, he wouldn't even know how to think using logic like that if Hakkai wasn't in his life. Hakkai is his grounding point. Hell, he knows he's the same in return. But as much as Gojyo is trying to put more belief in himself these days, he's never believed he was very good at the job.
"Admonishment's not what he needs anymore. I know that. He needs me in all these new ways and I just don't know what to do. You know what that feels like, Hakuryuu?"
A small chirp replies and Hakuryuu digs his nose into Gojyo's neck affectionately.
Gojyo chuckles a little. "Don't get too mushy on me now. I'm not into guys you know."
"Kyuu?"
"Not into girls no more either. Only into him." And Gojyo smiles over at Hakkai, though the expression turns a little sour after awhile because Gojyo doesn't quite know how to keep it.
Sighing—the worst of times always make a person sigh more—Gojyo turns to look outside. The street lights are starting to come on as the sun goes down. Goku will have made it to Meiyuu's by now, knowing the way the monkey runs when food is a prospect. Gojyo pets Hakuryuu absently as he watches people pass by, and behind him, the gentle breaths from Hakkai soothe Gojyo, if only to hear his friend sound peaceful.
Turning back, Gojyo looks hard at Hakkai on the bed. Yes, the healer's hair is growing longer and his nails could use a good clipping but that doesn't mean he's going to outgrow his limiters and go on some killing spree. This is Hakkai. And Gojyo has always trusted Hakkai, even without the limiters on, even when he probably shouldn't trust the beast but can't help himself.
But then it isn't just the hair and nails. Hakkai's eyes lately. Even Hakkai's ears have started to develop a slight point at the tips. And…
Gojyo holds back a gasp. Hakkai has rolled over in his sleep and the sheets fall away. His nightshirt has ridden up, leaving the slightest bit of skin from just below Hakkai's bellybutton to the start of his pants. And peaking only slightly from under the shirt is the curve of a faint black leaf.
Hakuryuu gives a squawk when Gojyo rises abruptly, fluttering off of the kappa's shoulder to resettled in the window seat alone. Gojyo pays no mind. He is too entranced. He walks, slowly, over to the bed, and with a careful hand tugs at Hakkai's nightshirt to bring it up further, up to the brunette's ribcage.
Gojyo can see all of it now. Spiraling out from Hakkai's scar is some of the demon markings. There are a handful only, part of the vines with a few coiling offshoots, each with several little leaves. They stop suddenly, as if not allowed to grow further, as if stopped only by some vaguely remaining power.
The limiters. Or what is left of them.
The sight brings disbelief into Gojyo's throat and he chokes on it, not wanting to know, not wanting to remember as swift visions of the truth rush back to the front of his mind.
The vines. Hakkai without his limiters. The pain, so much pain. Begging Hakkai to stop. Pleading. Stop. Stop it. I can't take anymore! I can't breathe! I can't…fucking…breathe!
Gojyo stumbles back, leaving Hakkai exposed. He is trembling as he remembers, seeing again how Hakkai looked, wild atop him, riding him ruthlessly, and how the vines encircled every part of, pulling and sinking into his skin until he could hardly move or think let alone feel anything but pain as Hakkai took his pleasure, for his amusement.
No, not Hakkai. It wasn't Hakkai. Hakkai had no control then, not any at all. A name was never said, but Gojyo knows, Gojyo understands now the real beast Hakkai keeps at bay, because the bastard should be dead but is somehow still clinging.
Gojyo has often said he never wants to be another Kanan for Hakkai. But he doesn't want Hakkai to be Gonou for him either.
A sickening feeling climbs into Gojyo's stomach and he almost gets sick right on the room floor. He crumbles in his trembling and is suddenly on his knees, eyes blankly staring at Hakkai, at those vines. It's like repressing a rape only to have it all surge back again. Gojyo would never call the act rape aloud, but how can he think otherwise. That hadn't been what he wanted. He asked Hakkai to stop. He could have fucking died like that.
Blood. Goku smelled blood.
Gojyo jumps, feeling something wet on his hand. He looks down and sees Hakuryuu beside him, licking him gently in consolation. The poor dragon doesn't even know why Gojyo is acting so strangely, but he offers comfort anyway.
"Hakuryuu…we…I…oh, fuck. He…he made me forget it. Hakkai made me forget so I wouldn't…so I wouldn't remember what that damn monster did to me. Oh…fuck."
There is nothing Gojyo can do. He could go retch in the bathroom, find something to punch, find a corner to cry or scream in, anything, but he can't even bring himself to move. It isn't just that the beast did something so awful but that Hakkai, knowingly, willingly, covered it up.
"What the hell is happening to him…?"
"Nngg…Gojyo…?"
Gojyo's eyes dart back up to the bed where Hakkai is stirring. The healer blinks several times at Gojyo, trying to wake fully, but he is confused to find his friend in such a stressful state, trembling on the floor with Hakuryuu beside him.
"Gojyo? What is it? What happened?" Hakkai starts to get up, but as he does, his shirt falls down again and feeling it he knows it had been pulled up a moment before. Hakkai reaches down and lifts it, finding just what he expected, the evidence that far more than a minor meltdown is haunting him just now.
Green eyes look again at Gojyo and find that the hanyou has not yet moved. Crimson stares into green expressionless, haunted as well, and Hakkai does not have to ask to know that his rushed ki spell has worn off.
Hastily, Hakkai tries to explain, "Gojyo, please forgive me. I never intended for that to happen. I…lost myself. And when I realized what I was doing to you, what I had done, I was so horrified, I…I didn't want you to remember it and look at me…the way you are looking at me now. Gods, please…please don't look at me like that, Gojyo. I had to. I had—"
"Had to lie to me?" Gojyo finishes, biting yet quiet in its disbelief. He begins to stand. "I would have forgiven you anything and you couldn't even trust me enough to tell me the truth. Did you think I couldn't handle it? That I'd hate you? He did that to me. But it was you who decided not to trust me."
Risen fully now, Gojyo, still slightly shaking with clenched fists at his sides, turns away from Hakkai and starts to head for the door.
Frantically, Hakkai gets out of bed.
"Where are you going?"
Gojyo does not look back. "Out."
"Out where?"
"Out!" Gojyo says again, harsher and with a very chilling look as he turns back just before leaving the room. He is glad he left it unlocked, because he does indeed make a quick getaway, slamming the door shut behind him.
Hakkai stands at a loss, defeated. What he feared most has happened and Gojyo does not understand.
How can Hakkai blame him really? He should have been honest. He should have trusted Gojyo. If they cannot trust one another then what foundation does their love have to stand on? If Hakkai could go back to the moment he decided to wipe Gojyo's memory, he would do everything in his power to…
To what? What would the point have been to do things differently? Gojyo just doesn't get it, that's the problem. He was only doing what he thought was right. If Gojyo trusted him, then he would know that Hakkai made his choice entirely with Gojyo in mind. The act was selfless; it isn't worth stalking out like a child.
But Gojyo looked so hurt, so broken. To make him feel that way twists Hakkai's gut. He should chase after Gojyo and apologize.
That's silly though. Gojyo's the one overreacting. So a few vines are showing through. Hakkai is still in control. He was able to find his way back.
Although not until after Gojyo was so badly injured from the vines and bleeding in more than one place. The mere image of that…of…Gojyo…like that…
Makes Hakkai want more of it.
"Gods! What…what is happening to me…?" Hakkai cries, taking both palms and pressing them into his eyes as if the action might banish the deceitful thoughts mixing in with his own. He doesn't want to hurt Gojyo. He doesn't want to hurt anyone.
"Kyuu…?"
Hakkai turns, surprised to find Hakuryuu hovering just above him. And then the little dragon lands very tentatively on his shoulder. Slowly, Hakuryuu climbs, foot by foot, to reach his usual perch.
"Kyuu?" he says again.
"Hakuryuu…you…you too…are afraid of me?" Hakkai asks.
The dragon cannot answer, because he does not want to have to say yes.
"You know…" Hakkai says, reaching up to stroke Hakuryuu's neck, "…perhaps you should be," and his stroke becomes harsh as he grips the narrow neck and throws the small dragon from his shoulder.
Hakuryuu squawks, clawing the air as he flaps away. The window is open, and he is thankful for it, because the strong color of jade in Hakkai's eyes is not to be trusted. Much as it pains him, Hakuryuu, like Gojyo, escapes the room, leaving whatever is becoming of Hakkai behind.
tbc...
A/N: I know I suck. Not because this sucks, but because I have two fics and a world of others things and the boys aren't getting nearly enough attention. I hope this makes up for your suffering, my dear, loving fans, who cannot possibly know how much they are appreciated. I will do my best to keep posting for you even as life becomes more and more complicated. Thank you all for your continued support.
Crim
