Humanity Forfeit


Away. He just wants to get away. Away anywhere. He can't bare another second in that place. The place she died. It makes him so angry. Angry enough that he wishes there were more of Hyakugen Maou's children for him to slaughter. The last of them, the one that made him what he has become, the one that fills him with such rage, was not enough to quench the thirst that rises up in him now.

Looking at his hands as he runs, he can see his new claws and the blood that still stains him even as the rain pours down, pounding all around him. And he can see the vines, vines he doesn't understand. He has not seen his reflection, but he can feel the change, the primal instincts, the enhanced senses. Running still, he reaches up and feels the pointed ears, the fangs in his mouth, and he knows, he knows he has become one of those monsters.

No. He can't be. He only wanted to save her, he never wanted this. He never wanted to hurt anyone. He just wanted her back but they, everyone, they stood in his way. They took her from him, made it so that he has to live without her, and as a monster. A monster she despised enough to rather kill herself with the child of one of them growing inside her than breathe free air ever again.

Rage fills him, yes, but not only rage for the youkai, or even for himself, but for…her.

A shock in his chest halts him in his run and he falls along the path, clutching at his heart, not knowing what the pain is. It pulses and he cries out against it, but the pain does not stop. It moves, from his chest and up his arms like a living thing, into his neck, his face, up in his head as if it will explode, and then to his left ear where the pain is so intense he can feel the world fading. As he begins to lose consciousness he is haunted by the sound of the pounding rain that follows him faithfully into the darkness.

-----

A sharp intake of breath wakes Gojyo. His head pounds, sobered too quickly, and his neck is sore from newly added bruises. It takes him a moment of blinking hard at the high ceiling above him before he remembers everything. Before he remembers that the bruises are from the hand of someone he loves.

Gojyo sits up too quickly and the room spins. He isn't completely sober; it hasn't been that long since he passed out. Not good. If Hakkai has lost it then Gojyo is going to need to be as alert as possible. How can he handle this with stumbling steps and blurred vision?

No time. All Gojyo can hope for is that he sobers enough to be effective. It isn't as if he wants to fight Hakkai—that is the last things he wants—but he would rather be more coherent than he feels.

"Shit," he curses to himself, holding his head, and trying to look around the room.

He isn't in the bar anymore. He doesn't know where he is. A basement, it would seem, a cellar, with very little to be notable save the few dim lights above. At least it is enough light for Gojyo to see by, and he is surprised to find Banri lying a few feet from him in a crumpled heap.

"Banri!" Gojyo calls, scrambling across the floor to his fallen friend. He would feel bad about it, but he cannot help thinking more of Hakkai than Banri when he reaches down and checks for the youkai's pulse. Gojyo sighs in relief to find a slow rhythm. "Thank god," Gojyo breaths aloud, "I don't wanna think…what this would do to him."

"You mean what I would do to him…Gojyo?"

Gojyo's head snaps behind him, but there is nothing. He searches every corner he can see with his eyes, but cannot see the owner of that low voice. Hakkai is playing with him.

This can't be happening.

"No," Gojyo says, yelling despite knowing Hakkai would be able to hear him even if he whispered, "No…I meant you. If you do this, Hakkai…it'll change you. Do you think you want to kill Banri because of that kiss? You'd never forgive yourself if you did."

It is not words but laughter that responds now, dark, haunting. Gojyo feels the hairs on his body stand on end, feels his antennae twitch. Hakkai sounds as if he is everywhere and nowhere, as if he will attack at any moment. Gojyo has to act quickly.

"Listen to me, Hakkai," he says, on his knees beside Banri's body and keeping vigil of his surroundings, "It was just a stupid kiss. I tried to stop him, he wouldn't listen, but I still—"

"Pulled away," Hakkai's voice finishes, "Yes, Gojyo. I know that. I was in the room. I saw you."

Hakkai's voice sounds louder. Closer. Gojyo lowers his own voice then, knowing how useless it is to wear it out, and says, "Then why are you doing this?"

The impact steals Gojyo's voice as well as his breath. He gasps, unable at first to focus on the weight atop him. He has been knocked onto his back, his hands pinned beside him to the floor, and holding him down is…not Hakkai. It can't be Hakkai. It doesn't even look like him anymore.

The youkai's artificial eye is dead and stale as always, but the other glows like true jade, dark and shimmering. The vines are more than tattoos, they almost look embedded, engraved into Hakkai's skin. His ears are more sharply pointed, his claws more deadly, and his grin, filled with fangs, has no sentience left.

It isn't Hakkai.

"Why am I doing this?" the youkai says, almost tenderly, but like a mockery of the word, "Because I do not care about him. Only you. I realized, you see, where I have gone wrong." He removes one of his hands from holding down Gojyo's arm and drags claws down Gojyo's face hard enough to trickle blood.

Gojyo can only stare, disbelieving.

"Gojyo, Gojyo…killing all those youkai did nothing to make Kanan stay with me. Why would killing anyone else be enough to keep you?"

There would almost be a kind of sense to that, even a comforting sense, but Gojyo does not think things are so simple.

Grinning with his many fangs, the youkai releases Gojyo and rises, stepping aside to pace very slowly around Gojyo's fallen form. Gojyo does not dare rise just yet, but sits up enough to follow the creature's movements. It is then that he sees how much longer Hakkai's—can he even say Hakkai's—hair has become. It is as long as Seiten Taisei's now, down the youkai's back and wild.

"I understand my nature now, Gojyo," Hakkai (for what else can Gojyo call him) says, "It was in me long before I had such strength. Can you imagine the man I was that I was able to kill so many? Can you fathom it? Becoming this is simply my inner self made manifest. The true form…of a killer."

"No." Hakkai doesn't know what he's saying. The real Hakkai is still in there, Gojyo tells himself, he has to be. "You are not a killer, Hakkai. You don't need to kill anyone. What do you think you'll get from it, huh? What?" Knowing the risk he takes, Gojyo gets to his feet, slowly. Hakkai stops his pacing and they stare, mere feet apart. "Do you think killing me…will give all this meaning?"

Hakkai's smile twitches and he walks, slow step by slow step, until his nose is close enough to touch Gojyo's. "Gojyo," he says "did I give you permission to stand?"

Gojyo blinks, not sure how to take that, but a second later he is screaming. To think a single kick from an empowered youkai could cause such a swift, clean break.

On the ground and blind from the pain, Gojyo wants to grab his leg but knows it would only cause it to hurt more. He is thankful when it begins to go numb, but knows that if it is losing feeling so quickly, the break must be almost a complete sever of the bone. Gojyo doesn't want to look at it and see whether or not the skin has been broken.

"Meaning. You think I have done all this for some sense of meaning? No, Gojyo, life lost meaning long ago." Hakkai kneels beside Gojyo and wrenches his head up with a clawed grip in crimson hair. "What your death can bring me, however, is loss. Enough loss for your darling Hakkai to be nothing but a shell. A shell is all he ever was, anyway."

Cruelty upon cruelty, Hakkai crashes Gojyo's lips to his. The kiss is nothing but gums and fangs and anger, and Gojyo struggles to pull out of it. He will not give this monster the satisfaction of thinking he can turn him against Hakkai. "What…a crock of…shit," Gojyo manages. His mouth is bleeding now, but his leg is a welcome nothing of numbness, "A shell? What, you think you're something special? You think you're…Gonou? Gonou is dead. No matter what you try to tell yourself to make this easier, you are Hakkai."

"Shut up!" Hakkai growls, yanking Gojyo more harshly by the hair until Gojyo is sitting. Hakkai's jade eye glows more brightly, making his expression wild and frightening. "Why? Why would you want me to be Hakkai? Do you want Hakkai to be the one doing this to you? Do you?"

Throwing Gojyo back to the ground, Hakkai straddles him, low on Gojyo's hips, and with his right hand he plunges his claws through the soft skin of Gojyo's middle, deep enough to touch the floor.

Tears well up in Gojyo's eyes against the pain but he tries not to scream. Not again. No matter what happens, he cannot lose hope that Hakkai is still in there somewhere wanting to be freed. He can't lose Hakkai. He won't. Not even if he has to lose himself instead.

"H-Hakkai…you…you're not…a killer," Gojyo says, reaching up a hand to touch Hakkai's face and run his fingers over the indented etching of the vines, "I know you're…not. I…love you. I'll love you…know matter what happens."

Hakkai had been leaning down over Gojyo, and as these words are spoken his face becomes ashen. Jade eye wide and luminescent, Hakkai leans further yet and whispers beside Gojyo's ear, "Dear Gojyo…don't you know…what happens to those who love me?"

At first it is almost pleasant, a caress, a tender numbing. But Gojyo remembers this feeling from the other night when Hakkai, unlimited and not quite Hakkai, covered him in vines. The vines are not crawling over Gojyo's skin this time. They are in him, coiling over every part of him like a black virus. His nerves tingle as the vines pass over them but Gojyo can already feel the sensation increasing.

Gojyo closes his eyes to will it away. He tries to speak to Hakkai from a place within him that is separate from the growing pain. It is the only way he can speak.

"H-Hakkai…you don't…want to do this. This…isn't you."

"She hated me. Did you know that?" Hakkai says, as if not having heard Gojyo's words. Hakkai is close to Gojyo, his face down low, with his hand still dug in deep and spreading its vines. "She had to have hated me, Gojyo. If not, she would have, once she found out about the things I did. How could we have returned home after that? I killed all of our friends." There is an almost laugh to the words, and then, "No, she hated me," he says, his voice falling to a whisper, "and that was why…I formed my limiters that very night."

Gojyo's eyes widen. The vines are still spreading within him, but he is focused on Hakkai. He has to stay focused.

Limiters. Limiters are crafted, summoned, or granted, and always by beings somewhat divine. Gojyo would hate to admit there is something divine about his holiness Sanzo, but he would be hard pressed to think of anyone else who can summon a limiter out of nothing.

"Oh, I don't know how I did it," Hakkai explains, almost nonchalant, as if Gojyo isn't bleeding all over his shirt and pants, and Hakkai's vines aren't preparing some awful torture, "But, what I do remember, is that they came from deep inside me. From the hatred I had for myself. For how miserable I was for letting her down and becoming something far worse than what took her from me." Hakkai grins and the knife-like fangs glisten. "And no, I don't mean this monster, Gojyo. I mean the one I was before I had claws. Within me resides that man still, filling me with a lust for killing that was never satisfied. Even as I formed the limiters that night I could feel how much I wanted to kill everyone. I would have surely killed you, Gojyo, had you found me before the cuffs appeared. Oh, yes, a halfbreed I would have killed gladly. But the limiters kept him in, kept the bloodlust from me. Since then I have only removed my limiters when in dire need. Only then would I let out the beast that killed a thousand demons, and countless humans. And why? Why did all those people die? For the sake of a woman who never would have touched me again?"

The vines twinge with the rising anger in Hakkai's voice and Gojyo's breathing begins to quicken. It is a heightened, frightening thing, but not yet as painful as Gojyo knows it could become.

He has to find the will to speak. He has to stop Hakkai before it's too late.

But Hakkai speaks on. "Do you know, Gojyo, that sometimes…I hate her. Are you surprised? Sometimes it is easy to hate her. I hate her for giving up. I hate her for thinking we couldn't get through it together. I hate her for killing the child we could have raised as our own. She was selfish!"

The vines twinge again and Gojyo's vision fades out a moment from the slow loss of blood and buzzing within him. All it would take is a single squeeze and every nerve in Gojyo's body would be on fire.

"She…she was selfish," Hakkai says again, his voice furious but soft, "Because she couldn't bear it, she murdered herself and our baby. In front of me. Inches from me. How could I not hate her for that? And do you know what else, Gojyo," he asks, bending low enough to place a small kiss on Gojyo's cheek. He pulls up again and smiles, though Gojyo cannot fully focus on him. "Sometimes, Gojyo…I hate you. I hate you for reminding me of that night…of that child, the child that would have looked…so much like you." And then Hakkai looks up, at nothing but seeing something anyway, something very far away. "But always, always do I hate myself, because none of it would have happened if I had been there to protect her from the beginning. I wouldn't be here now, like this, a creature worse than the worst we have faced. And I wouldn't even consider doing…" Hakkai's eyes flick down at Gojyo, "…what I am going to do to you."

The vines tighten around the places they have discovered in Gojyo's body and Gojyo feels every part of him convulse. He lifts off the floor with the intensity of it, forcing Hakkai to the side. But it does not deter Hakkai to be bucked away. No. Hakkai is still close, tightly next to Gojyo, and his claws are still imbedded deep. Amidst the pain, though, Gojyo feels more dismay when Hakkai places tender kiss after tender kiss to Gojyo's face and neck.

Gojyo realizes he is crying. He had not noticed, unable to feel the wetness falling, but when Hakkai wipes at a tear and licks it from his free claws, Gojyo knows. His pain, his blood, his tears, it does not matter. Those things are not enough to make Hakkai understand.

There must be another way.

"H-H-Hakkai…"

"Shhh…behave…and I might make this go quicker for you."

Gojyo closes his eyes and opens them again to blurred vision, knowing at least part of that is from the tears. "P-Please…listen…"

"No, no, Gojyo," Hakkai whispers, and with his soft voice it seems surreal that the vines tighten further. Already Gojyo is having trouble breathing, and everything is so much more unbearable with the vines below the skin. "No, Gojyo," Hakkai says again, "We're done talking."

"Y-Yeah…I know." Gojyo relaxes his body as best he can, lying as still as he can, and just looks into the eye so jade, but that he knows deep down is emerald somewhere. "I know. I…j-just…wanna say…I'm sorry."

Hakkai's head tilts at this and his eyebrows knit. "What…what are you talking about?"

Hard as it is to manage a smile beyond the pain, and hard as it is to look at Hakkai and speak despite his trouble finding breath, Gojyo forces all he can. This is the only chance he is going to get, so he speaks, he smiles, because Hakkai needs to see it. "I know…wh-what…you went through. Now…I can f-f-finally…feel…what you felt that night. B-Because I…failed too. I…failed…to save you."

Whatever air is in the room it vanishes and Hakkai cannot find breath either.

"For that…Hakkai…I am so sorry," Gojyo says, eyelids drooping and voice almost too soft to hear, "I'm sorry. All I c-could…do…was love you. And I'm…s-sorry…that wasn't enough. I…love you…just as much today…as I did the night we met. I…always will. So please…please forgive me…"

"Stop it…" Hakkai says, a harsher whisper now, desperate, "Stop…saying that. Stop saying you're sorry."

"Why? Isn't it what you always wished you could say?"

You could hear a pin drop.

And suddenly the tears are not only Gojyo's. The blood from Gojyo's wound is being joined by salt from both green and crimson eyes. Oh, it stings, but it reminds Gojyo that he is still alive, and he clings on all the harder because this is not yet the end.

The vines have stopped pulsing, but they are still in Gojyo, and it is difficult for him to move. He manages anyway, and reaches the hand he had used before to touch Hakkai's now wet cheek. "Sorry again. You…kn-know…I always manage…to make things difficult."

A sob breaks from Hakkai at this, built up inside of him and right there beneath the surface. His youkai features have not changed, but something in his tears makes his real eye look a far more agreeable color. "Gojyo…" he manages, looking at Gojyo as if recognizing the hanyou for the first time since all this began, "Gods…what have I…done to you?"

It is a welcome thing when Hakkai lunges at Gojyo only to cling out of desperate devotion. But the act is more than Gojyo can handle in his current state. One of Hakkai's hands is still lodged in Gojyo's stomach, and the lunge pulled at it, making all of the vines tighten.

Gojyo coughs and spasms, turning his head to the side to spit the blood from his mouth. It reminds Hakkai of the true damage as Gojyo starts to convulse, rhythmically and constant. He is having a seizure. His body is rebelling against the vines, but it isn't winning.

"Gojyo! No…" Hakkai is as sane as he can manage. He knows he is always only a hair away from being the beast again, but he must remain clear. Gojyo managed that for him; he can certainly return the favor.

There is no time to think or question. Hakkai's hand is still inside Gojyo, and he can use this to his advantage. Using the vines as he slowly retracts them, Hakkai sends small bursts of chi through every nerve, healing the damage he has done even as he is pulling the weapon free. He would not normally have the stamina for such massive healing, but his youkai form grants him much more than speed.

It is a gradual process to remove the vines without hurting Gojyo further, but once they are back where they belong and harmless, Hakkai builds as much chi as he can, which is great, and sends it into Gojyo, healing and soothing the hanyou until there is nothing but a scar. It is not large, but shaped—cruelly—like Hakkai's own. It will not be removed, despite Hakkai's best efforts, as if to say there must be something to remember this act by. It is unfair, and yet Hakkai feels he deserves the pain the sight of it causes him. That pain should put Gojyo's pain to shame, because Hakkai deserves it. He is more a monster than anything they have ever faced.

"I'm sorry, Gojyo…I'm so sorry…"

Gojyo is dizzy from the heavy healing, his leg still broken and needing to be set, but the rest of him is whole again. He feels strangely blissful, knowing it is a side effect from so much chi flowing through him, but he also worries. The expression on Hakkai's face is not one of forgive and forget. It is one of…resolve.

"You must understand," Hakkai says, his voice still gravelly but with a tenderness Gojyo has not heard in days, "I don't want to hurt anyone anymore. I…he…I thought I could…kill the good part of me and then it wouldn't matter anymore. I could finally die as the monster I am. But it never ends easily. He always wants more from me, more than I am willing to give. No, Gojyo…this has to end a different way. I can't risk…hurting someone. Not you…not again…never again…"

Gojyo knows what Hakkai is saying but he doesn't believe it. After all the times they have had to listen to Sanzo's damn speech about it, Hakkai is actually thinking of…

"No, Gojyo…I couldn't do it. I am not strong enough to kill the monster myself. I've tried. But someone…someone has to kill me."

The sound of a cocking gun echoes through the basement. "Did we arrive at a bad time?"

-----

He is barely conscious, his ear still throbbing, but the pain begins to subside. There is a change in him, something almost warm that makes his mind haze over further. He tries to lift his hands and focus on them in front of his face, but he can only just make out their outline. What he does notice is that there is not even a shadow of claws, or the dark coil of vines. His hands look human.

Reaching up to touch his still humming left ear, Hakkai expects heat and is surprised to find cool metal instead. He fingers three small cuffs, and cannot fathom how he managed to form them. He knows what they are, what they must be. He has known some youkai in his life and many wore such things as these. Limiters. Something to keep the beast and all his power caged. Did he form them because he feared himself, because his hatred was too great, or so he can die, finally and peacefully, as the man he was?

Someone kill me…

-----

Someone kill me…

"Hn. So…" Sanzo says, poised at the bottom of the basement stairs with his gun held close, "Is this the day you've chosen to die?"

Hakkai's skin is washed in white save the black vines covering him, but as he looks at Sanzo, at Sanzo's gun, a grin begins to spread over his face. He stands, leaving Gojyo on the ground to recover alone, and greets Sanzo with the slightest bow of his head.

Gojyo isn't stupid. He knows what is going on. His head is still a little hazy from the chi, but he feels fine, better than fine because he no longer has a still half-drunken hangover. Chi really can do amazing things.

But this is all wrong. Hakkai's grin is wrong. It reminds Gojyo of Hakkai's frequent and very fake smiles. The ones that always mean something more than what they appear to. Hakkai may be grinning, but inside he is still falling apart. Gojyo's only fear is if Sanzo can't see it, if Sanzo can't understand. Because if Gojyo knows Hakkai, and he does better than anyone, then Hakkai is about to do something very stupid.

"Goku!" Sanzo yells, even before he sees that Hakkai is about to leap forward.

Hakkai freezes, having forgotten the monkey. He shouldn't have, even without seeing Goku, because, after all, Sanzo did say "we" when he first entered the room. Alert now, Hakkai listens carefully to his surroundings. Goku has to be somewhere close.

There is laughter, Goku's laughter, but with an element of something else, something known only to a different beast. The combination makes it sound remarkably eerie.

"It isn't very nice of you to hurt Gojyo, Hakkai," calls Goku's voice. The sound seems to come from everywhere and Hakkai cannot pin down the source even with youkai senses. "I don't mind if you wanna play, but I don't like it when people hurt my friends. Even if it is you."

Gojyo tries to sit up, to say something before Goku strikes, but by the time he manages a sitting position Hakkai has already been slammed into the far wall. "No!" Gojyo calls, finally catching sight of Goku as he moves in for another hit. It disturbs Gojyo to see what he knows as Seiten Taisei using Goku's voice but fighting just as brutally. He doesn't have time to question what is going on, but he can't risk either of his friends hurting each other. "Goku, don't! It's Hakkai!"

With a brief look over his shoulder, Goku flashes Gojyo a toothy grin. The look is entirely that of the monkey, carefree and kind, but something is different. "Don't worry, Gojyo," Goku says.

Hakkai recovers from his meeting with the wall and lunges, but Goku disappears before Hakkai can strike. Hakkai stumbles through the spot Goku had been, disoriented. It is then that Goku, reappeared, aims a leaping kick at Hakkai's head and sends him to the floor.

The two continue their fight, Goku always getting the upper hand, seemingly faster and prepared for every hit Hakkai means to throw. They do not speak, and it is because of this that Gojyo worries. If they do not talk they will not understand that what they are doing is wrong.

Sanzo, gun still at the ready, rushes from the stairs to where Gojyo is on the floor, managing to dash past the fighting beasts. He crouches beside Gojyo and looks at the hanyou's mangled leg, destroyed tank top, and prominent new scar. "I still can't tell if our timing is good or bad," he says with a snort. He tries to reach for Gojyo and lift the redhead to his feet, but Gojyo throws him off.

"No! I'm not going anywhere! Sanzo, you have to listen to me!"

"I don't have to listen to anyone, you half-bred bastard," Sanzo snarls, hating most touch on principle, but especially when it comes with dismissal, "Do you want my help or not?"

Gojyo tries to watch the fight between Goku and Hakkai, but the pair moves too fast. Hakkai is fairing better, but still meeting more punches and kicks than giving them. Gojyo knows he shouldn't root for Hakkai to win, but he can't bring himself to root for Goku either. Not when he wants to see both of them whole when it's over.

"Idiot, just come here," Sanzo says, grabbing Gojyo anyway and lifting him from the ground to rest on his good leg, "You're all hopeless."

"Yeah, and Goku's so much better," Gojyo grumbles.

"Did I say he was? He took of his limiter to find you fools and…he's been like that ever since. It's his voice, his thoughts, but…"

"Seiten Taisei's viciousness," Gojyo finishes, watching Goku deliver a particularly brutal slash to Hakkai's midsection. Gojyo flinches upon seeing it and longs to run in and help, but he knows he would fall the minute he tried.

Sanzo doesn't respond to Gojyo's previous comment. The monk hasn't had time yet to digest this new Goku. It was forced upon them all sooner than expected, and now they have to live with it. At least that's what Sanzo keeps telling himself.

"Listen to me," Gojyo tries, looking at Sanzo directly, "I'm fine. Hakkai did a number on me, but he healed it."

Sanzo glances at Gojyo's leg.

"Okay, so he didn't have time for everything, but he's sorry for what happened. He's not the same monster that did all this."

Wandering his gaze about the rest of the room, Sanzo's focuses finally on Banri's unmoving body. He is understandably skeptical.

Gojyo sees this, sees what Sanzo thinks he is seeing, and holds onto Sanzo tighter to keep the priest's attention on him. "No, Banri's okay. Hakkai didn't kill anyone. He's back to himself, he just…he just thinks there's no way out. He…wants one of you to kill him."

An instinctive huff escapes Sanzo at that. He catches sight of the fight again, having to pull Gojyo aside to avoid being knocked over as they zip past in a fury of equally met blows. "Yeah. Sure fucking seems like it."

"I'm serious, Sanzo, I think he's trying to trick you into killing him."

"Hn. You think I'd let the bastard get off that easily. Why do you think I told Goku to keep him occupied…and not dead?"

Gojyo's expression is blank for all of a second, and then he can only smile. Of course. Sanzo has an answer for everything.

"Goku!" the monk shouts, "Enough playing."

The fighting immediately slows, and when Goku strikes, it happens so quickly, Hakkai stands no feasible chance. Maybe he never did. "Heh," Goku grins, "Just when it was gettin' fun too."

The monkey stops, standing by one of the walls closer to Sanzo and Gojyo. Hakkai rushes him and all Goku has to do is grab. One single grab for air and Goku has Hakkai by the neck, pressed back into the wall.

Hakkai understandably struggles, but to no avail. So he wills the vines to travel from his body onto Goku's and they begin to climb their way up Goku's menacing arm.

Another laugh escapes Goku and he squeezes Hakkai's neck tighter, cutting off what little air he had been allowing his friend. The vines begin to retreat. "I don't think so," Goku says.

"Stop it!" cries Gojyo, hopping on his good leg and dragging Sanzo forward because of it. It is too much to see Hakkai struggling for life by Goku's hand. "Goku, stop! You'll kill him!"

Again, a laugh, and though it sounds like Goku, it doesn't. It sounds like Seiten Taisei with intelligence, and that isn't Goku. "You'd be surprised," he says, "how hard it is to kill someone…who doesn't really want to die." Goku smiles at Sanzo and Gojyo before turning the expression to Hakkai as well. And then he simply lets go.

Hakkai drops to the floor, gasping for breath. It is not long before those winded gasps turn to sobbing and Hakkai sits shaking on the floor, crying and chanting, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry," over and over.

Sanzo stares at Goku, much more concerned for his monkey's odd behavior than Hakkai's breakdown. Goku meets that stare and just keeps smiling. Everything about the look says, "I'm still Goku," but Sanzo doubts. The monkey is too calculating. Too intelligent even. Sanzo just wants the other two idiots to get through this mess so he can get Goku alone.

Closer to the wall after half-lugging Sanzo with him, Gojyo pushes finally from Sanzo's hold. He doesn't care that he immediately stumbles and falls to the floor with a hiss of pain. Nothing is as important as reaching Hakkai. Not even the faint sounds of Banri finally stirring a few yards away.

Gojyo crawls over to Hakkai, dragging his broken leg. There is no second guessing this time; Gojyo loves and trusts Hakkai and damn it if this youkai before him isn't that man. All Gojyo can do is reach out, pull Hakkai in against him and hold a sobbing Hakkai's head in his lap. He speaks as soothing as he can, but this fight is Hakkai's, and the final decisions can only be his. All Gojyo can do is hope.

"It's okay," Gojyo says, "This last thing you think you failed at, I'm glad you failed. I don't want you die. Not because you're afraid. Not because you think you're not worth having around. All that's bullshit, Hakkai. Because no matter how hard you try to be a monster, you can never really do it. You always find your way back. Always."

Goku, Sanzo, the waking Banri, none of them exist. Hakkai can only hear Gojyo's voice.

"You," Gojyo says, "It's just you, Hakkai. You're Hakkai. No one else. You understand?"

"Hakkai…?" Hakkai repeats, as if not sure he can believe Gojyo. His head is buried in Gojyo's lap, his body curled in and wrapped around whatever part of Gojyo is safe to hang onto, and he continues to sob. Because he knows Gojyo is right. "All I ever wanted…was to erase it. Make it…not true," Hakkai whimpers, "But…I…can't. It's my fault…she died. She took her life but I should have been there. And I'm…so sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Gojyo. I never wanted you to see what she didn't have to. I'm sorry."

"It's okay. Everything will be okay. You're a load of trouble, Hakkai. But you're Hakkai. Maybe I'm stubborn, but I still love Hakkai more than anything. You got that?"

Hakkai nods into Gojyo's thighs. He feels strange. He feels dazed. Turning his head to look up at Gojyo, he can tell his vision is heavy and blurred. "Gojyo…I'm…Hakkai," he manages, but his voice is dimming too.

He doesn't know why, but the world begins to fade around him, and he finds it strangely peaceful. He has Gojyo with him, and he knows his friends are also near. He can sleep now. He can rest. He does not know what waking will bring, but if he wakes as something other than a monster, it will be enough.

"I'm…Hakkai. I'm Hakkai…"

-----

He just wants to die. He has no life to go home to, why should life continue. The rain is pounding. He is cold and angry and so sorry for everything. He turns himself over in the mud and tries to crawl, tries to bring himself off the path so he will not be found. He doesn't want to be rescued. He just wants peace.

A few steps more and he can barely move. His wound is bleeding again, more so now that he is human again. He collapses fully into the mud and longs to drown.

"Hey, you alive down there," comes a voice.

He feels something poke him. Senses someone close to him. And when he finds his head lifted he just looks with what remains of the life behind his eyes.

It must be a joke, a cruel irony, because the man before him is awash in blood. He is everywhere red, red hair, red eyes. And then it makes sense. A hanyou. A child born half human and half youkai. Like the child she…

No. Like he is now. Not quite either, but both. A monster, but not. He thinks he smiles to imagine he has been saved by this halfbreed who seems so concerned for a stranger. He did not want to be saved at all, but he has been, and by the very thing he was running from.

Funny, isn't it? He never saw it coming. And it surprises him that he does feel peaceful as he slips into unconsciousness. He feels more peace than he ever knew when he was human.

tbc...

A/N: Yeah. Well. Hakkai may or may not be okay, but worry starts to point at Goku. I'll let you all feel a little better about things and tell you that Goku is not going to go crazy in any way. He's just adjusting. Things between the guys will start to improve all around. I promise. Hakkai just had some final issues to release. Thanks so much for everything. I don't mean for this to sound final in any way, but I am graduating on Sunday, and who knows where life will send me after that. I WILL finish this story, but things may go slow, so bear with me. Who knows, maybe I'll have tones of free time and you'll never even notice I'm no longer a student. :-) Love you all! And a belated HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my roommate who this chapter is dedicated to.

Crim