Chapter Two: Scaling up the Dragon
Pinkamena approached the legal affairs office cautiously. She hated the sight of the building but knew that visiting it was a necessary evil in order that she would be able to keep her crime wave a secret.
"They just don't understand the beauty of our reasoning" Rocky assured her. "They twist these laws around to stop us. They don't want you to have any friends and will do anything to stop you making them" Of course, by making friends Rocky meant slaying them in order to re stitch them back together and stuff them. Pinkamena had many such friends in the basement of Sugar Cube Corner, including its two former proprietors, Mr. and Mrs. Cake, whom she kept hidden in the lower room, now stuffed with permanent smiles sewn on their faces. Their two foals had been sent to the orphanage.
"Well here goes nothing" Pinkamena thought to herself as she entered the building. It was a typical royal building in Canterlot, housing large stone columns, expertly carved out of white granite. A long straight row of them led through the entry way to the doors of Spikes office. She made her way towards it down the central red carpet feeling very much like royalty herself in this setting. She knocked the door and heard a deep gruff voice that she barely recognized as Spike's say "come in."
The door squeaked slightly as she opened it, revealing a plain walled office with an oak desk in the middle of it. There were several filing cabinets containing paper work related to various crime cases. Some still under investigation while others were cold cases not yet solved. The solved cases cabinet was a small wooden bureau containing very few files at all. Somepony had been obstructing justice.
Spike had his back to her as she entered; he was thumbing through the cold case drawer inspecting an unsolved murder case from a few years back. The picture in the paper hadn't lied, he was much bigger than she had remembered, now towering over her size but probably not much taller if she reared up on her back legs. He had large hulking shoulders that supported two powerful arms which rippled with well formed muscles and ended with two elongated claws having razor sharp nails at the end of each one. Those looked they were for sure up to scratch. His pectoral muscles also bulged out giving him quite a formidable and intimidating appearance. A long purple tail trailed out behind him that looked strong enough to break down trees with one mighty thrust. If he decided to use that on her she'd have to high tail it out of there. The two bat-like wings at the back of him almost hit the floor on either side and certainly looked strong enough to support his weight. Pinkamena mused that this dragon was probably an expert at fight or flight. As Pinkamena sized him up she realized he could easily over power her small frame but she was confident that her sharp mind would not be so easy to outwit.
"Hi Spikey Wikey" She said, deliberately using the term that Rarity had used for him just to see how he would react. She spotted a photo of the mare in question on his desk. 'So he still has a thing for her' she thought. 'That's going to have to change'
"Hay Pinkie, what's up? Uhm...Are you okay?" He replied, surprised to see Pinkie Pie but noticing immediately the straight mane and tail which he knew to only happen when she was in some state of depression or distress. He gazed over at her with concern, wondering what brought her to Canterlot.
"Yeah I'm fine" she replied, putting on her best smile but unable to hide that slightly wild look in her eye that was a signature part of her Pinkamena personality.
"So is there something the Exemplar of Equestria can help ya with?" Spike said, still eyeing her flat mane, and getting straight to the point. He certainly wanted to show off his new title. He was quite proud of his promotion and something inside him wanted to impress the pretty pink mare before him. He noticed that the hue of her color was slightly duller than he remembered it, but still quite stunning to the eye, her darker mane and tail hanging in silky hot pink tresses over her neck and shoulders. Two captivating blue eyes gazed at him in contrast to the otherwise pink pony. Now that he was older he could fully appreciate just how beautiful this mare actually was.
"I just wanted to come and congratulate you on your new promotion, it must have been so uplifting." she said confidently. It seemed a legitimate enough reason considering how long they had known each other. Now she had to begin stage one of the testing of his moral code.
"I also wanted to ask, do you have any spare knives? Most of mine are dull" She said bluntly. It probably seemed an odd question for Pinkie Pie to ask, yet she had her reasons. Perhaps it was a bit of a stab in the dark but she wanted to know if he was willing to just give over such weapon and break rules for an old friend or would he stick to protocol. That was the real test. Spike felt slightly confused by the question. Why would Pinkie Pie want a sharp knife? Something didn't quite cut it.
"Uhm, no not on me, sorry." He said truthfully. Straight to the point took on new meaning at the mention of knives. His weapons of choice were a sword and a magically operated gun. "I can't give out weapons with the proper authorization from the Guard. Why would you need them?"
Pinkamena shifted her weight a little. So he was proving not to be the sharpest tool in the shed. He was obviously going to stick to protocol like the good dragon that he was. Test one... epic fail. She resisted the urge to facehoof.
"Well if the knives are blunt they make a mess of my baked goods and turn them into baked bads." She replied truthfully, thinking about the mess she'd made of the cutie mark she'd tried to carve off her last victim.
"Oh, so you mean just some bread knives then? I can let you borrow some if you'd like. I'm sure we have some excess ones in the mess hall." Spike told her. This seemed to make more sense to him considering Pinkie was a baker.
"I have a mess hall too! But it's more of a cellar than a hall. It is a mess though." She commented jokingly thinking about the messy, blood stained basement at Sugar Cube Corner where she committed most of her murderous acts. She gave a slight giggle before asking
"Are they sharp?" She was still trying to bait him into a response and see if he would be ready to arrest her if he suspected her crimes.
"Uhm, not really..." he replied, still feeling just slightly suspicious as to why Pinkie Pie would need such an item. He'd just been reading several cold case files about suspected murders possibly involving knives, though no bodies had ever been recovered, except for one which appeared to have been hastily abandoned by its murderer. All other cases of missing ponies seemed to revolve around the incident. "I mean they're sharp enough for anything in the bakery. Why would you need sharp knives for bread?"
Spike was determined he would solve the long mystery of the missing ponies and rid Equestria of the serial killer involved. Many of the files were missing so tracing the crime was extremely difficult. All other attempts to solve it seemed to have been a dead loss.
"Well I have lots of bread knives already and am quite familiar with them, but I don't know the slicest thing about sharp ones." Pinkamena commented.
"I mean, ponies are vegetarian. Don't know why you would need a sharper knife...?" Spike wondered, ignoring the pun as his mind ticked over. It was almost as if he was thinking aloud or perhaps probing for information. It wasn't uncommon for Pinkie to request bizarre things, but because he'd just been reading up on certain murder cases, something inside him told him that this particular bizarre request required more investigation.
"Unless, are you scared you would need one to defend yourself?" he queried as the only logical explanation he could think of. Of course, pinkie logic was an entirely different matter.
"Oh yes that's it!" Pinkamena replied, deciding that was as good of an alibi as any. She batted her long eye lashes at him, watching to see what kind of reaction a little flirting might extract. For Pinkie, her logic always made sense and she always knew exactly what her plan was even when nopony else had the slightest clue. She noticed him give her a second glance. Test two, response to feminine wiles: positive results.
Spike cleared his throat and decided that surely he was misreading that suggestive look she'd just given him. This was Pinkie Pie after all and she probably meant nothing by it.
"Alright, in that case could you just do me a favor and sign some requisition forms please?" he said, sounding as efficient as possible. For some reason he felt the need to sound mature and grown up around the pretty pink pony. It had been a while since he'd seen her and he was only a baby dragon back then. He wanted to her to know that he was now far more mature than that little dragon she use to know.
"Then I'll bring one right out for ya. Just be careful with it, these are standard-issue Combat Knives of the Royal Guard: sharp as they come." He noticed a strange glint in her eye at the mention of how sharp they are. 'Pinkie logic again' he decided 'there's no way to figure it out.' but something burned in the back of his mind from when he'd known her as a younger dragon. Hadn't he seen that glint before, just briefly?
"So just sign here and here please!" He repeated, indicating the exact spot she needed to sign. He handed her a form with a quill."
"What does the form say?" Pinkamena asked, not bothering to read it for herself. She took the quill in her hoof; somehow managing to hold it despite that it would be anatomically impossible to do so and looked at the forms blankly.
"The signature won't matter once we've got him on side" Mr. Turnip advised her in her head. "We'll convince him to throw all those forms out so they won't be able to trace us"
"The usual" Spike told her, interrupting her secret thoughts. He was sounding rather bored by now "That you take all responsibility for actions performed with the knife. That we're not liable and that I authorized giving this to you for a reason. And that stated reason is self-defense. Just need to sign and you're good. Spike then decided to add "But remember you're bound by contract, this'll prove anything that happens with that knife can be traced back to you."
Pinkamena wondered if he was trying to intimidate or bait her with that last statement. Was he suspicious or was it just protocol? She quickly signed the paperwork then with deliberate enthusiasm she asked, "Ok fork over the knife now please!" She wanted to sound overly eager just to see how he'd react. Another test.
"Of course, but Pinkie..." He said with a little hesitation in his voice "What are you afraid of? Why do you feel you need to defend yourself?" He presented the knife to her, holstered with a strap and all.
"Well there are reports all over Ponyville of some murderer around" she said, watching carefully to see if she could get some hint of how much he knew about this.
"Have you filed a report with the Guard?" Spike asked, sticking to protocol and keeping any information he had to himself
"No." Pinkamena admitted. 'Well obviously not', she thought to herself. 'not like I'd report myself.' There was a slight titter from Rocky and Mr. Turnip at that thought and she tried her best not to laugh with them. The attempted resulted in a little pig snort.
"We should do that now then..." Spike suggested. He really wasn't sure he if should be concerned about the pink pony or not. Something caused him to still feel uneasy about her request for a knife rather than the help of the Royal Guard. "We can up patrols near your area to keep you safe too."
"Oh don't do that!" Pinkamena gasped out a little too suddenly. Just the thought of guards everywhere would certainly interfere with all her plans.
"Hm? Why not?" Spike asked, his suspicions rising again as the scales at the back of his neck started to rise up detecting that something just didn't seem to feel quite right. "Wouldn't that make you feel safer?" It was the obvious answer, why did his old friend seem so resistant?
"It would scare my customers away" Pinkamena added swiftly, covering nicely for herself, but the next stage of her testing had to come into play so she prepared herself for his next reaction.
"I should test this knife just to make sure it doesn't have any inSTABility" She said as she expertly eyed it off, already weighing up the balance of it, how sharp the blade was, how far it could be thrown and at what speed, angle and direction she needed it to go. In all honesty it seemed to be right on the cutting edge of perfection. "Can you just stand over there for me please?" she suggested, indicating with the knife pointed directly at him as if she would throw it right into him at any second.
"Or it could make them feel safer..." Spike started to say, referring to the customers, then it registered what she had just suggested... "Wait, excuse me?" Did she really just say she was going to test this knife on him?
"Just stand right there." Pinkamena repeated, she backs up with the knife seemingly aiming it dangerously at him again and looking down its sights as if she knew exactly how to wield it, which of course she did. "Move just a wee bit to the left." she said as if lining him up for a death blow.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa! I don't think so Pinkie!" He said, a little shocked but also wondering if this was yet another one of her pranks. "If you're doing what you think you're doing then I think giving you that knife was a mistake!"
"Oh calm down, you seem a bit on EDGE." She told him, as if throwing a knife at someone was the most normal thing in the world for a pony to do. "Can't you see my point? If you wiggle like that I might miss." She gauged the look on his face at that remark, enjoying the whole shock factor that she always managed to exude from anypony she suddenly threatened this way. She took aim with the knife directed right towards him.
"Pinkie, this isn't funny." Spike said sounding a little nervous, but surely it was a joke and she'd laugh at him soon. "Put the knife down or I'll have you arrested" That ought to show her that he was dead serious about his job and not willing to kid around. He said it with a very grave expression on his face.
It did show her something that she was testing for. That he would certainly be willing to carry out that threat and arrest her despite their former long term friendship. Test three complete. He would stick to the law over friendship.
"You really want me to cut it out eh? You are such a prankster!" She jested, "As if you would arrest me, We've been friends for years" she reminded him. She inspected the uneven edge of the knife before adding, "You'd actually have me incar-serrated? Now hold still or you might throw me completely off... " she warned him again just before she tossed the knife, deliberately missing him by bare millimeters. It lodged into the back wall with a loud thud that made Spike jump half out of his scales. Now that really hit home!
"Perfect shot!" Pinkamena concluded. Indeed it had landed exactly where she had wanted it to, just close enough to stir a reaction out of him. He stood there drop jawed not even able to absorb that she'd actually thrown it at him with in a hairs breath of his life. "That ought to sharpen your wits" She teased, her eyes rolling up to the ceiling as if in perfect innocence. "Just thought I'd throw that one in there"
As she moved to retrieve the knife she added "Good thing it's so well balanced or it might have accidentally hit you" Of course she already knew it was well balanced, having become an expert on sharp objects and exactly how to wield them.
It took a few seconds but Spike came back to his senses feeling suddenly angry at her for taking such a risk "I warned you!" Spike said his voice rising menacingly as he reached back, between his armor and cape to unveil a magic-fueled weapon which resembled a pistol. He wasn't going to let her get away with that. Even if it was intended as a prank the law was nothing to joke around with especially when there was a murderer on the loose.
"That's not funny Pinkie!" he retorted, still hoping that it was a joke but somehow knowing in the back of his mind that the fact she could throw it so accurately was a huge source of suspicion. "I don't know what's gotten into you but you're under arrest. Drop the knife and put your hooves where I can see them." he warned, determined to see this through and uphold his position as Exemplar.
"Oooh good thing I have this knife. Here comes one of my Assassins." Pinkamena blurted out a slight giggle in her voice at the look on his face. Of course there was no assassin she was just trying to distract him so she could make a quick escape.
"...YOUR assassins?" Spike said incredulously, not taking his eyes off her for a second. As if she needed to worry about that, she was proving to be quite the assassin herself. Could it be that here standing before him was the long sort after killer? Pinkie Pie of all ponies? How could it be true? "I don't know what the buck you're talking about, just put the knife down and put your hooves up!" He warned again.
"Calm down Spike I didn't actually hit you with it! I was just testing it. I guess you're just not cut out for this sort of thing." She reasoned with a bit of an eye roll added for dramatic effect. "I however, am a cut above the rest, and just wanted to demonstrate how much I missed you Spike!" When he didn't laugh at all she realized that she must have really butchered that joke. Test four, he got angry and worked up just as easily as he ever did but with slightly more sway now that he was big enough to follow it through. She started checking things off in her mind.
1. He'd stick to protocol,
2. He still liked Rarity
3. He responded to subtle flirting from her
4. He was willing to stick to his guns, quite literally, despite past friendships
And 5. He had a temper
Her razor sharp mind put all these facts together and started formulating a plan.
"You threw that knife when I EXPLICITLY told you not to." He reminded her, his voice rising angrily. " You've proven you can't handle that weapon responsibly and I'm taking it back, then I'm taking you in with me." His tone let her know that he was quite serious about this. Clearly all the signs were now pointing to her as the killer. "I'm not gonna ask you again, I don't know what's gotten into you but I won't hesitate to put you down. Pinkie wouldn't do this..." At that last declaration something hit home. This wasn't Pinkie, it was her alter ego, he'd met this pony before long ago, this as Pinkamena Diane Pie.
"Spike you completely missed the point! I knew I should have tried to hit on you instead!" Pinkamena stated, her crazy signature stare glinting in her eye and no longer trying to hide. "Rocky was right about you. I should have listened to him." She'd all but confessed to everything, revealing the true nature of who she was as she leaned against the back wall.
Spike loaded a nonlethal frozen bullet and aimed towards her and the hoof which carried the knife. He was quite prepared to fire at her if necessary to bring her to justice. However he didn't get his chance because just at that moment the crafty pink pony jumped through the fourth wall, calling to him over her shoulder as she escaped. "Have a knife day, Spike, It's been a real slice!" leaving a very stunned looking teenage dragon staring through the gap which swiftly closed behind her.
"Son of a..." he started to say. Of course she would do that she was still Pinkie Pie in some form or other. Spike holstered his weapon back at his side.
'Welp, time to file a report...' he thought dismally. 'At least it'll be easy to track her.' He decided as he'd recognized the location through the gap. She'd fled to the Everfree Forest. He made up his mind that he would follow her there and single handedly bring her in. It was time to prove to Equestria that he was now a grown up dragon quite capable of doing this job well. She'd eluded every other Exemplar, but not this one. His heroic actions might even catch the attention of Rarity, who he still had a crush on. Yes, he alone, Spike the great, would bring the long time killer into custody and shock all of Canterlot with his bravery and smarts.
And that is how Spike foolishly set off alone to face the wily vixen known as Pinkamena Diane Pie.
