Disclaimer: I'm not Eoin Colfer. So deal with it! Nor do I own Wicked, the Phantom of the Opera, Pirates of the Caribbean, Labyrinth, or the first e-mail!

A/N: This has to be one of the fastest updates ever! Okay, so I took iamthedreadpirateroberts' Idea, and just had fun with this chapter! Also, as a special bonus, I put an excerpt from Holly's diary at the end of this chapter. Enjoy!

IMPORTANT!!! READ!!!

Okay, so people keep asking why things seem to differ from the book. The reason is; this story totally skips The Lost Colony. It never happened! But, for those of you who like Minerva, don't worry! I'm bringing her in later. For those of you who do not like Minerva, don't worry! I'll most likely have her...Ah! I just got a brilliant idea!!!!

This chapter is dedicated to every fangirl who has ever broke into random quoting and/or song.


The Diary of Artemis Fowl II

-Artemis Fowl the Second

August 15/2006

Tuesday 9:38 p.m.

Fowl Manor

Diary,

I cannot believe what Father told me last night! Did he think I did not already know about the reproductive process of humans? Because I do! I've read all about it, and was beginning to be comfortable with the whole process, but the way Father described it…I am still shuddering. I do not think I shall be able to look at another female without turning a light shade of pink for a very long time.

Speaking of females, school today was, if possible, even stranger than usual. While I was putting a few things away into my locker, the Brunette ran up to me and tapped me on the shoulder. It fits into Murphy's Law that the one day I do not want to be troubled by any member of the female…gender, they see fit to bother me. I turned around, and she, in an over-joyed tone exclaimed;

"Come with me! To the Emerald City!"

I, after regaining my composure, told her quite forcefully that I had no wish to go anywhere. To which she replied;

"Oh, Arty! You're so funny!"

Then she flounced away, humming to herself. I began to wonder if all girls act like this. My question was soon answered.

At lunch, three girls leaped onto a table, and yelled at the top of their lungs;

"He's here! The Phantom of the Opera! He is with us, it's the Ghost!"

Then, they pointed at me! I enjoy Opera, but I am not a Phantom! The insanity continued all day! I was stopped in the hallway by a girl who wanted to know if I knew where 'Elizabeth Swann' was. Then, another girl threw a crystal ball at me, which I only just managed to catch, then asked me if I wanted my dreams! I never want to see another female again!

Oh, no. Holly is here!

Later…

I shall die of embarrassment now. Thanks to Father, the entire time Holly was here, my thoughts kept wandering to how fairies reproduced, and if they were compatible with humans, and I am sure Holly noticed!! I do not think I will ever be able to face her again!

Brilliant! Just what I need right now! Three new e-mails!

Later…

I am going to find out who these people are or die trying!!!

okay, what kind of girls do you like? And if i'm wrong about the type you like, tell me so i can wipe out a fan fic--I mean another letter!sweatdrop Ja Ne!

RFG Supirior #14

P.S. RFG means Rabid Fan Girl, witch I am!

Artemis,

Don't listen to anyone else! I love you! ME!!! MARRY ME!!!!!!!!!!

-Your One True Love

Dear Artemis,

I have a plan that's going to work! If I wish you away to the Goblins, then I'll have to save you! And if I save you, you'll be indebted to me! I win!

On second thought, if it does work, I am so going for Jareth, not you. Sorry!

-Secret kinda-admirer

Who is Jareth? Is he their leader? WHY DO THESE PEOPLE KEEP SAYING THEY LOVE ME?!?!?!?!? That first e-mail was all misspelled, and the last one was creepy! On top of all of this, I am still having uncomfortable thoughts as a result of Father's talk!

I need to lie down.

-Artemis Fowl the Second


Bonus!

Holly's diary;

Dear Diary,

Mudboy was acting funny today. I went to see him, and the entire time I was there, he seemed uncomfortable, and kept trying to find excuses to leave. If that mudboy is plotting something, I'll rip his spleen out...assuming he has one.

-Holly


A/N: Like it?