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Control
Chapter 4 – Little Talks
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Tony had been sitting in his car outside of Ziva's house for 15 minutes. It had been 7:30pm when he pulled up outside her house. He decided to sit there waiting so he didn't seem so eager to see her; he always played it cool.
He jumped when someone knocked on his window. He rolled it down and saw Ziva.
"You can come inside," she said.
"I was just a bit early so I thought I would wait," Tony replied.
Ziva walked back to her house laughing. When she reached the front door, she turned around and called out, "I will leave it open."
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Tony waited until it was exactly 8 o'clock to walk through her front door. She was sitting on her couch, her feet tucked up, with a hot cup of coffee in her hands.
"Yours is on the kitchen bench," She said, referring to the coffee.
"Thanks."
Tony grabbed his coffee and took a sip of the creamy, warm liquid. Perfect, he thought to himself.
"So why did you invite me over?" Tony asked.
"Like I said, I did not want to be alone." Tony gave her a look. "And I thought it would be nice to talk," she said.
"About?"
"Everything. I think I owe you an explanation," Ziva said.
"Ziva, you don't owe me anything," Tony said, "I don't want you to do something that makes you uncomfortable, like this."
"Tony, it is fine. I will stop when it gets too much."
"Okay, if you're sure," Tony said.
Ziva took a deep breath and started her story, "This did not start after Somalia. This started when I was about 14. I felt so out of place, so disconnected. I remember the first time I cut myself so rivetly and-"
"Vividly, not rivetly," Tony said, cutting off her.
"Yes, that. Anyway, the feelings just became too much. I was in the shower and I just picked up my razor and cut my leg. The feeling of the relief I experienced is indescribable. I just cut more and more. I was 16 when I started smoking. I did it to rebel, but again the feelings it brought me were indescribable.
"I stopped smoking at 18. My father found out and was angrier than I had ever seen him. 'Do you want to die from cancer?' he had screamed at me. I was 19 when Ari saw my scars and cuts." Ziva saw Tony's look of disgust and anger but she didn't let it faze her.
"Yes, I know you do not like him," she said, "He was the reason I stopped cutting. He made me feel loved, and just happy. I did not need to cut anymore."
"So you didn't have an eating disorder when you were a teenager?" Tony asked.
"No. I did not develop an eating disorder until Somalia," Ziva replied.
"How about I go get us a refill?" Tony said, gesturing to the empty coffees that both he and Ziva were holding. Ziva nodded, grateful that she could take a break from talking and just breathe.
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Tony was proud of Ziva. The fact that she was beginning to open up made him so happy. He was also happy that she was the one he was opening up to. It had taken with a while but eventually he realised he did have feelings for her. At first he thought it was purely sexual but recent events had made him come to realise that it was so much more than that.
Tony walked back to the couch and handed Ziva her cup. "Do you still wanna talk about this? We could always talk about something else, like Magnum P.I.!" he said, his eyes lighting up at the thought of his favourite TV show.
"I would like to continue talking about this. We can always talk about movies another day, Ziva said with a smile.
Tony looked at her with disgust. "Magnum P.I. is not a movie! How could you say that?"
"Sorry Tony," Ziva said with a laugh.
"A movie," he said, still disgusted, "how can you say it's a movie?"
"Back to my story," Ziva said. "I did not cut again until the first time I came to NCIS, when I came to stop Gibbs killing Ari. The pain I felt when Ari was killed was too much. I could not handle it. But I came back to NCIS anyway. The only reason I could face coming back to America was because I could not stand to face my father.
"Remember how I did not fit in when I first came here? It was a repeat of how I felt when I was a teenager. I just could not stop cutting. When I was accepted and stopped feeling like the odd one out, I had the strength to stop cutting again. The only other I time I cut was when Gibbs was in a coma. It was only once and I just felt so bad."
Tony nodded, remembering that period of time well. It had looked like Ziva didn't care about Gibbs, but he knew that wasn't true. Abby wasn't so sure or so forgiving.
"I think that's enough for tonight," Tony said, seeing that Ziva seemed to become more upset with each word she spoke.
"Yes, I think that too."
"I didn't mean to bring up all these bad memories," he said.
"You did not make me tell you this. You are not to blame," she replied. "Also, I cannot ignore my past forever."
"Are you sure you are fine with this?" Tony asked, "You don't have to tell me anymore."
"Yes, it is fine," Ziva said, stifling a yawn. "Just no more tonight."
"Time for bed?" Tony asked.
Ziva nodded
And for the second night in a row, Tony and Ziva fell asleep together, their bodies entwined under the sheets.
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I know this story feels like it ends here, but it definitely doesn't!
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