Sorry I have taken so long to update. I just wasn't doing so well and writing this wasn't really helping my state of mind.
Anyway, I hope you enjoy this chapter.
The next chapter should be up tomorrow or the next day.
xoxo
xxx
Control
Chapter 5 – More Talks
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It had been a week since Ziva had talked to Tony about everything, well as much as she could at the time. Tony had thought about everything she had told him. In fact, nothing else had been on his mind all week.
He and Ziva had spent most nights together at Ziva's. Tonight Tony decided he would approach Ziva about getting help.
"Hey Zi," he said, "Come sit with me?"
"What is going on?" Ziva said, suspiciously.
"I just thought we should talk," Tony replied. "I was just wondering what you think about getting some help. You don't have to give me answer tonight but I just thought getting help would be good for you. Counsellors can really help."
Ziva had decided not to cut Tony off when he was speaking. She knew he meant well but she would never get help. She told herself that her 'problem' was not severe enough to need help. "Tony, I am not speaking to a counsellor."
"It would benefit you," Tony argued.
"Tony, I was going to wait for a month to tell you but now is fine as well. I have not cut all week. If I feel the need to cut I will talk to you, I promise. I feel great," Ziva lied. In fact she had been cutting more than she normally did.
This surprised Tony; he thought she was still cutting. He swallowed Ziva's lie quicker than a shot of vodka. A small part of him thought maybe she was lying, but he ignored this.
Ziva knew he would accept the lie. It was easier for him to believe it than fight with her.
"Well how about you tell Gibbs what is going on?" Tony said. "He keeps giving me weird looks and I'm certain that he will ask me about us leaving and arriving at work together soon."
"Do I have a choice?"
"Well, it's either that or speaking to a counsellor."
"Fine," Ziva said, too tired to argue. "I am going to bed."
Tony knew she was pissed off, but he had gotten the result he wanted, her talking to someone, and that was all he wanted.
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The next day Ziva went to Gibbs' house after work. She sat him down in the basement and told him about her cutting, nothing else.
"Why didn't you tell me, Ziva?" Gibbs was pissed.
"What did you want me to say? That I am completely fucked in?"
A slight grin appeared on Gibbs' face, "I think you mean fucked up?"
"Yes, that."
"You can tell me anything. You know that," he said.
Gibbs felt so upset, so devastated that Ziva didn't trust him enough to tell him this. He understood that it was a private thing but he thought he and Ziva had an unbreakable bond and unshakeable trust.
It also hurt him. He should have seen it earlier. He knew something was up but he had never said anything. He had been such a coward, too afraid to confront the problem because he was scared of what was happening to Ziva, of what had happened to her.
"I was just so ashamed. I should not have done these things but there was no other option. It is the only way of coping that I know. I just-"Ziva stopped talking. She was choking on her tears. She did not want them to fall but they still did. She made her angry with herself. Ziva David was not supposed to cry.
Watching Ziva cry and show raw emotion changed something in Gibbs. He could feel his tears forming. He had not cried in such a long time, not since Shannon and Kelly had died; building a boat in his basement and drinking bourbon were easier ways for him to cope with pain.
The look of shock on Ziva's face could only be caused by one thing, seeing Gibbs crying. To see a man who showed no emotion cry made her realise that some other than Tony actually cared.
"Ziva, I don't want to push into getting help but I think it would be beneficial for you," Gibbs said, unsure of her reaction.
"No," she said sharply. "Help is out of the question. I do not need it."
"Ziva-"
"No!"
"Okay. I am just glad you told me. If you ever need to talk I'm here," Gibbs said.
"Thank you. I have to go now, sorry."
"Bye."
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Ziva didn't really have to leave, but she couldn't stand keeping the façade up any longer. She acted like this happy girl, but in reality she wasn't. She just couldn't wait to go home and cut and smoke all her troubles away. Tony was staying at his place tonight, so she could do whatever she pleased without worrying if she would be caught.
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