The sterling silver clock on the mantle struck eight, indicating a much earlier hour than Jason's body seemed to feel. Carly had excused herself to the other room to answer the phone but had slowly drifted back into the living room. Standing with her back toward him so that she could stare out the window, he noticed the ease in her disposition. She rarely looked so casual when she was conversing with anyone other than her children. Knowing her for so long had helped him memorize the different inflections in her tone and movements. More often that not, he could predict her mood by how she carried herself. Entangled in so many lives, Carly carried the weight of the world on her shoulders.
"Okay, well, you have a good night with your dad, and I will see you in the morning" she said brightly, letting him know that Morgan was likely on the other end of the line. He could see the playful smile on her pert mouth as she turned to face him. Her eyes twinkled as she listened to the response. "And I love you."
Jason was surprised to find her gaze intently fixed on him as she uttered the last four words before ending the call. Tossing the cell phone onto the empty armchair, she collapsed onto the couch next to him. "How are the boys doing?" he asked automatically. Few people understood the arrangement that had long existed between Jason, Carly and Sonny. However, the family that they had chosen to become had always worked for them. While Sonny was still a father to the boys, Jason was the one that they always ran to when things got too hard. He had a special connection with both children, particularly Michael. Carly had always counted him as their third parent, knowing that he was like a father to them as much as Sonny.
"Fine," she assured him. "I swear, it's like Michael's subconscious knew that you were here. The first thing he asked about was you. He told me that you promised to take them to the arcade to play video games."
He laughed heartily, imaging the financial impact the afternoon excursion would have on his wallet. "I've played enough with them here to actually become halfway decent at a couple of the games. Michael likes to play with me because he knows that he can win. Morgan wants to do anything his big brother does. I'm just happy to spend time with both of them. With everything that has been going on lately, it's nice to have one thing in my life that I know that I can count on."
"One thing?" Carly inquired with a raised eyebrow. Satisfied when Jason shifted uncomfortably next to her, she let the question stand on its own and reverted back to his earlier statement about her oldest son. "I don't think your lack of playing skill has anything to do with why Michael likes hanging out with you. He just wants to spend time with you, Jase. You are the person he looks up to most in this world. People might think he's the miniature version of Sonny, but every time I look at him, I swear he is acting more and more like you. And Morgan, he swears that the world revolves around you. You should see the way his little face lights up when you walk in a room."
"Thank you for that," he smiled, grateful that the woman always knew just what to say to make him feel better. "Carly, there's something I need to ask you. You've taken this all pretty much in stride, but I know you too well not to wonder. Why aren't you angry with me?"
Surprised at the question, Carly raked her fingernails through her long blonde ringlets anxiously. "I'm not really that angry," she confided. "It's more like hurt and dismayed. I don't understand a lot of things in this situation, especially why you would want to hide it from me for so long. It kills me that my best friend trusted other people more than me, even if it's not really true. To me, it's one of those things that it doesn't really matter what the intent was, it only matters how it feels. I just wish that you had let me in. If it was me in this predicament, you would be the first person I would want to tell."
"That's the thing," he countered. "You were the first person I wanted to tell. After Elizabeth and I escaped from the elevator, the world just started moving so fast. Sam was a mess, and I was so concerned with making sure that you and Sonny were safe that I didn't really let it sink in. By the time I was able to process everything, I was so afraid of telling you. I knew what this news could do to you. I've already broken your heart so many times, Carly. You were just about to marry Jax and finally had a chance to really be happy. I couldn't risk taking that away from you."
"Come on, Jase," she called him out sarcastically. "It wasn't about my happiness. Okay, I can buy not wanting to break my heart, but you never wanted me to marry Jax. I think you were more afraid of what would have happened if you had told me. You know that you could have come to me with this, and it might have changed things. Maybe it would have made us deal with the things of which we do not speak. Either way, I just feel like maybe that was a choice we could have, should have, made together. Instead, you decided for me how I would deal with it. That's not fair."
Taking a long sip of the bottled beer Carly had brought him earlier, Jason let the cool brew slide down his throat. Beer and pool had been a long tradition in their friendship, present since the beginning of it all. Had it not been for a few too many drinks and a bet over a game of billiards, he was well aware that his life would be different. Setting it back on the mahogany coffee table, he leaned back against the sofa and regarded her gingerly. "Earlier, you said that I would have been the first person you wanted to tell, which is probably true. However, I don't think that I would be the first person you would tell. I think you'd be just as scared as I was. You would wonder how I would react, if I would yell or be disappointed with you. You never care what anyone thinks about you, but I know that my opinion matters, Carly. That's the way it is with us. Your opinion matters to me."
The words rang true. Carly had never cared what anyone thought about her, from the incessant musings of Port Charles busybodies to the inquiring minds of her own family. Yet, the way he saw her had always mattered. Even at her very worst, he had always managed to see someone worth loving. She knew that he felt that way about her, too. "You're probably right," she conceded. "It doesn't make it hurt any less."
"I know," he commiserated, wrapping his toned arm around her slender torso. Carly had once told him that the best things in life were worth fighting for and that nothing worth having was ever easy. Their relationship was defined by those two statements. They were constantly saving each other, both literally and metaphorically. They had survived some pretty intense drama together – the hotel fire, the hostage crisis, the night of the ball, the train crash, the epidemic, the mental breakdowns and the countless mob wars. Many people had come in and out of their lives, both willingly and forcibly. Still, in the end, they were still together. "I need you to forgive me."
Tucking her head beneath his chin, Carly grabbed his hand and held it over his heart. He was warm and smelled faintly of soap and gasoline. "When I first met you, you were this unaffected guy who didn't need anyone. You lived by your own rules, the rest of the world be damned. The only people you really seemed to care about at all were Sonny, Lila and Emily. I was so self-destructive that I didn't really care about myself. If we had never spent that night together at Jake's, I hate to think what my life would have turned out to be. You came along and began to care about me. Your friendship, your love, that's what taught me that I was worth loving."
It seemed to be a night of confessions for the two, something that always left Jason at unease. These were things that he had long felt and thought, but he had never found the courage to voice them. People thought that he was this brave killer, but real emotions scared him. It was different with Carly, but that didn't mean it was easy. Awkward at best, he still never doubted even once that it wasn't worth it in the end. "So, what does that mean?"
"I forgive you." Her willing concession was met with an unexpected hug from the usually stoic man. He was not affectionate by any means, not even with the boys or Carly. Every once in awhile, though, he would catch her completely off guard and grab her in an embrace. She still remembered hugging him at Pentonville when she had pretended to be his wife. Carly knew that he wanted to be angry at her from coming but something in his heart wouldn't let him. Between the police station and prison, she had been the one person to show up for him. Elizabeth and Spinelli had snuck in the occasional visits when they could find the time, but she was there every day like clockwork. Her dedication was just as stringent as when he was in the hospital and they feared that he was dying.
"You know what I was just thinking about?" she asked him, not really waiting for his reply. "I can count the times I should have died on both hands, but my own death never really scared me. Other than when the boys were kidnapped, the one time I remember truly being terrified for my own existence is when it wasn't even about me. When you were in the hospital, before the brain surgery, I kept thinking what I would do if I didn't have you by my side. I know it's incredibly selfish, but I knew I couldn't make it without you. I pretend to be all strong, but I'm only that way because I know that I have you to make me count to ten and save me."
Brushing a stray hair from her wet eyes, he fingered the end absently. "You are stronger than you give yourself credit for, and I know that you would have made it without me. I wouldn't want you to have to, but you would find a way for your children. I told you that day to be the mother that Michael and Morgan needed, and you would have never let me down on that."
She nodded, trying to stifle the tears at the painful memory. She could still hear every word of that conversation; it was forever cemented on her brain. "You wanted to give up," she reminded him. "Of course, I had to fight with you. You had never given up on me, so I wasn't about to let you start. We started talking about that night at Jake's, and you told me that I was just bored."
"I was only teasing," he promised her. "What I remember is that you called me the hottest guy you had ever seen. You said that you knew that you had to have me or die trying."
"Some things never change," she giggled. For just a moment, Jason wondered if she meant that she would still die trying to have him. He knew that day at the hospital that she had also admitted that she had let him be her boy on the side because she never thought she'd feel anything for him. She'd admitted that she had never been so wrong. Those were the words that made him want to breathe. "You're still the hottest guy I've ever seen."
Mussing her hair playfully, he chuckled as she ducked out of his reach. Moaning at him for tangling her blonde locks, she finger combed her tresses back into place. He was rarely ever playful with anyone except the boys but something about tonight had made him different. This was the most like Jason she had seen him in months. It was like he was finally comfortable in his own skin again. For so long, he had built a wall around himself, almost impenetrable in months following the breakup with Sam. Now, Carly understood that the façade was about his son. Telling her the truth had almost set something free. "I should probably get going."
"No, stay," she whined. "You don't want to go home to an empty house anymore than I want to stay here by myself. Jax isn't going to be back for God knows how long. Stay here tonight. We can stay up late like we used to, just drinking beer and talking. We haven't had one of our nights in so long. There's even a pool table downstairs waiting to be christened. It has your name all over it."
He knew that he could try to argue with her, but what was the point when all he would want to do was concede? "Fine," he relented with faux exasperation. "I don't feel like playing pool yet. I'm not sure you are going to believe this, but I'd kind of just like to sit here like this with you. It's nice to just be."
With that, Carly moved back into his arms and laid her head against his chest. Pulling the chenille throw from the back of the couch, she spread it over her lap and watched the flames dance in the fireplace. Unspoken words hung in the air as both of them became wrapped up in their own memories of the past, confusions of the present and questions of the future. Something had changed that night, even if neither of them could quite define it. It was as if something buried deep in yesteryear had finally clicked, making something so wrong so incredibly right again. They had both waited for a long time, wondering if these feelings would ever come around again. To be truly honest and admit that they had never left would be too much for either of them.
"I lied before," Carly whispered, her breath caught in her throat.
Jason peered down at her with hooded eyes. He had never been able to imagine things, but he still couldn't believe that this was happening. "What?"
"All that stuff about Jake, that's not the reason I'd leave Jax," she answered.
"Then…" he drawled hoarsely. "What is the reason?"
It was now or never, and neither Jason nor Carly would ever be this wide open again. If she was going to risk it all, now was the time. She moved her face up toward his until their lips were just inches apart. Just as she was about to close the short distance between them, her stunted answer came at barely a whisper. "You."
