Chapter 7: Oh Lord, I'm still not sure what I stand for

It's been an hour. Are you seriously just going to lay there in bed in your self pity?

What self pity?

Dean, we need to talk about this.

There's nothing to talk about!

Well, damn. You don't need to yell.

And you don't need to be a big bag of dicks.

You do realize you just called yourself a big bag of dicks, right?

Dean groaned, grabbed the closest pillow, and tried to suffocate himself.

So yeah, he and Sammy got home about an hour ago, and yeah, he's been locked in his room the whole time. What exactly was he supposed to do anyway? It wasn't that Dean didn't know what was going on with his mind and body; that would be putting it lightly. Dean Winchester didn't have a fucking clue what the hell was going on with his mind, body, emotions, and every other fucking thing in his life.

With the, for lack of a better word, hallucinations he's been having, he doesn't know what to do at the moment. It's no secret to him that Cas is gay. Hell, he was the first person to find out. So where the hell was all of these images coming from?

I missed Cas after spending a whole week with him. It's probably just hormones. He tried to reason with himself.

Yeah, because hormones is making you gay for your best male friend.

I'm not gay!

He removed the pillow from his face, breathed deeply, and sighed. What is wrong with me? he asked himself.

Well, let's start at the beginning, shall we?

Not you again, he grumbled to himself.

Well, I am in your head, so you are kind of stuck with me.

Fine. Let's, as you put it, start at the beginning.

Yay! Thought you'd never ask!

He glared at his ceiling. Was it really coming down to this? Arguing with himself, thus using himself as a shrink?

When did you first meet Mr. Castiel?

Dean sighed before answering himself. At the party a few weeks ago. We were drunk and had sex.

He saw a mental image of two Deans in a white room. The one asking the questions was sitting in a huge leather chair, leg crossed with his ankle casually resting upon his knee, clipboard in hand. The one answering was laying flat on a matching couch, hands folded on his stomach, fingers crossed. The one asking the questions scribbled something down after the party comment, nodded his head and gave a little hum of approval.

That Dean looked up. So that was a drunken mistake, corrected?

Yes, it was a drunken mistake.

And did you know at that time that Mr. Castiel was gay?

The Dean on the couch sent a glare at the other Dean before replying, no.

The chair Dean nodded again before scribbling more nonsense on the clipboard.

Next question. When did you find out that Mr. Castiel was gay?

A couple of days later when we were on punishment for arguing in Aunt Ellen's house. And what's with the 'Mr. Castiel' stuff? Just call him Cas for Christ sakes!

Chair Dean just shook his head and tutted at couch Dean. He actually tutted! It separates us as two different people, Dean. It wouldn't be professional if I called him Cas.

Dean rolled his eyes. He brought his hands up to his face and rubbed vigorously. He couldn't believe he was actually having a therapy session in his head. With himself no less. It was friggin' giving him a migraine.

He sat up and made his way down to the kitchen for a glass of water. He barely heard Sam's voice on his way out of the room, but he ignored him all the same and made his way back to his bed. After laying back down, the two Dean's got back to work.

Ok. Chair Dean scribbled something down. What was it like spending the week with Mr. Castiel?

I don't know. Couch Dean shrugged. We talked everything out the first day and became friends. He's cool.

And at any point during that week did you have any feelings towards him in a non-platonic way?

What? Of course not!

So all of this happened after that week, correct?

I suppose. But it's probably just hormones, nothing to worry about.

So everything you've been imagining is all sexual, correct.

Yes. A second later. No. Maybe. I don't know.

Care to elaborate?

Ok, so I might have imagine him with a ring. Might have. But that doesn't make sense!

Yeah, that's a bit weird. Chair Dean scribbled again.

Ok. Tell me about the last two people you had sexual intercourse with.

Couch Dean made a face before answering.

Well, there was Cas. And then after that there was this chick. Tara, Teresa... Tessa! That was her name!

Uh huh. What did she look like. Another scribble.

Uh, dark short hair. Blue eyes. Pretty face I guess. Why?

What color blue?

I don't know! Clear I think. Like tap water or tears or something.

So what does Mr. Castiel look like?

Messy dark, almost black hair. Blue eyes like the ocean. Um... He has a straight nose.

What was sex like with the two of them?

Tessa was like really drunk.

But wasn't Castiel as well?

Yeah. But I was drunk also when me and Cas had sex.

This is true. Was there anything different about having sex with Castiel?

Other than the fact that Cas is a guy?

Yes. Other than the obvious fact that Castiel is a male. Chair Dean rolled his eyes.

Well... I looked him in the eyes.

Go on.

And I talked. I never talk.

Anything else Dean?

Yeah. It felt good. Really good. Amazing in fact.

And then what happened?

I freaked and bailed.

Chair Dean scribbled again before asking, Now what about with Tessa?

Couch Dean gulped. Loud.

I couldn't look her in her face. It just felt weird.

Uh huh. Anything else?

I imagined Cas. Which still freaks me out. There was a paused. Chair Dean looked at couch Dean, urging him on with a look. Ok. And maybe I sort of saw Cas with a ring and we might have had a house together or something.

Chair Dean rolled his eyes, huffed, and then asked, Anything else? He was getting annoyed with couch Dean.

Ok. Fine! Cas might have told me he loved me!

So what do you think my verdict is, Dean?

I'M NOT GAY!

But you're not turned on by a pretty girl either.

"Shut up!" He didn't mean to yell it out loud. Dean sat up in bed. The sound of his scream reverberating off his walls.

Sam knocked lightly on his bedroom door. Dean glared at it before Sam opened it a little. "Dean, are you ok?" he asked.

With more effort than it should have, Dean plastered on a fake smile that didn't reach his eyes before answering. "Yeah, Sammy," he said. "Just a headache, nothing important."

Sam didn't look convinced, but nodded and closed the door anyway.

I've had enough of this. Leave me alone.

Dean rolled over and turned his radio on, twisting the volume dial so the music drifted out of the tiny speakers loud enough to drown out the voices in his head. The sounds of Metallica lulled him to sleep.

Dean woke up late the next morning. Having missed dinner the night before, his stomach growled angrily. He groggily got out of bed and made his way down the stairs to the kitchen.

As he was pouring milk into his bowls, one of the voices in his head spoke, which caused him to jump and spill milk on the counter and floor.

You know I'm still here, it said.

Yeah, and you're going to get me killed. You know dad hates messes.

He quickly wiped up the milk mess. Satisfied, he made his way to the dining room to eat. The voices left him alone until after he ate and cleaned up, much to his appreciation.

So have you thought about the whole you being gay thing?

I'm. Not. Gay.

Dean clenched his teeth. A quick look at the time told him he had to get ready for work.

It wasn't until he was almost to Bobby's garage that the voices started again.

So if your not gay, what are you going to do about these images of Cas?

He clenched the steering wheel, eyes stared hard out the road.

Fine. You want proof that I'm not gay?

Essentially, yes.

Tomorrow. At football practice. I'll ask one of the cheerleaders out. There, not gay!

The other voice didn't reply. Either he didn't have anything to reply with or he was enjoying the thought that Dean would fail in his I'm-not-gay-so-leave-me-alone mission. He was seriously hoping for the former.

Notes:

I am so sorry about how long it took to update with this, and even sorrier that it's so short. Next chapter will hopefully be longer. I'll give you three guesses who the cheerleader will be.

Also, this chapter royally kicked my butt. I had no idea how to write a sexual identity crisis, so this was the result. I honestly don't think I've read any stories that did it this way.

As always, I would love to know your opinions.