Chapter 11- This is it, boys, this is war, what are we waiting for
Dean was ninety-five percent certain that the random playing of 'Hey Jude' was a sign from his mom, telling him to go after Cas and that she didn't love him any less. The other five percent was still trying to tell him that it was just a coincidence. Dean didn't believe in coincidences, but they happened, didn't they?
It was the five percent of uncertainty that had him shaking like a kitten away from it's mother by the time that he pulled into the Harvelles' driveway.
When Dean left the cemetery, he was relieved and felt like he could take on the world. But the five percent started whispering in the back of his head. Every minute closer to the house, closer to Cas, brought more fear and dread. What if it wasn't a message from his mom? And even if it were, she wasn't there to protect him if John found out. Every thought of John sent a shiver down his back. Then there was the man in question. Cas. What if he didn't feel the same way? Sure, he was gay, but that didn't mean he would want to sleep with any man that was willing. Did Cas know? He was the one who said that they needed to talk after all. What if he knew and wanted to let Dean down gently away from prying eyes?
Sitting in the Impala, Dean tried to calm himself down. He was overreacting. After all, he didn't even know what Cas actually wanted to talk about. He turned the car off and brought a still shaking hand to his face. He rubbed vigorously and ran his hand through his hair, pulling slightly as he massaged his scalp, before bringing it down to his face again. His index finger and thumb pushed at his eyes, willing away the moisture he felt building up, before connecting at the bridge of his nose. He took a deep breath, held it, then let it out slowly. He repeated this until he was sure the shaking was almost nonexistent. One last deep breath, then he opened the door and made his way to the front of the house, all the while feeling like he was walking to his execution.
Sam and Cas were in the living room chatting, tv volume low. Sams' arms moved about excitedly as he talked, smile on his face. Cas' full attention was on Sam. Dean passed the doorway quickly, trying not to be seen by the duo in the room. He heard Ellens' voice drift through from the kitchen. He heard the words 'John', 'homophobic', and 'what would Mary think?' and opted to withdraw upstairs. Music played from Jo's room. Though muffled by the closed door, the lyrics and music were clear as day. Hands still shaking slightly, Dean decided to sit near the door, hoping the music will relax him. The song was one of Jo's favorites.
After the song ended, Dean realized for the first time that he was sweating, most likely from the constant shaking of his body. He grabbed a change of clothes (boxers and pajama pants) from his duffel, which was discarded in his and Cas' room earlier in the day, and made his way to the bathroom. The words from the song still etched in his mind.
Under the water, Deans' mind went back to the broken pieces of conversation he heard from Ellen not ten minutes ago. She seemed to think that his mom would have been disappointed in how his father acted earlier. He felt a slight tightness in his chest. Head thrown back, he couldn't help but stare at the ceiling, as if he were staring up to heaven. Would his mom really not have cared if he had a crush on Cas?
The five percent dropped to two percent.
Ok, he can accept that his mom would still love him if she were still alive. So why was he still unsure about his feelings? He finished his shower, still feeling somewhat clammy and shaky.
He used a towel to dry his body off before getting dressed. Fresh boxers and pajama pants on, Dean attacked his hair and shoulders with his towel. He brushed his teeth and rinsed before placing his palms on the sink, leaning forward and trying to collect his thoughts. He looked at his reflection, shocked to see the wild glean in his eyes. The lyrics that poured from Jo's room earlier replayed in his mind.
Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love?His breaths started quickening. Can the child within my heart rise above?He was almost eighteen years old, he shouldn't be reacting to a crush like this! He's not some teenage girl. And can I sail through the changing ocean tides? Change. Slowly, he began to hyperventilate. Change is such a scary thing. Change means nothing stays the same. If John found out. A shudder ran down his spine. Can I handle the seasons of my life? If he gave into these foreign urges, the need to be near Cas, to kiss him, he won't have any control over his life. Everything he knows will be different. Oh oh I don't know, oh I don't know. He didn't know what to do. He had faith when he left the cemetery that everything would be ok. He strongly believed his mom was giving him permission to be with Cas. Well, I've been afraid of changing. If he said yes, even keeping Sam safe would be harder. It's too big of a secret to hide from John. 'Cause I've built my life around you. John, who has shaped Dean into the person he is today by being the negative in his life. His purpose in life is to keep Sam safe. To make sure Sam had the life Dean couldn't. He took a deep breath and held it, trying to calm his breathing and heart rate down, his fingers curled around the edge of the sink. But time makes you bolder. He released the breath, relieved that he was slowly calming down. Maybe for once he was allowed to do something for himself. Maybe he could find a reason, other than Sam, to wake up each morning. Children get older, I'm getting older too. Sam has already proved just this past summer that he's starting to think for himself. He's no longer the little kid who needed his scraped knee kissed better. If Sam can start having independence, then why not Dean? Yes I'm getting older too. With a last deep breath, Dean nodded at his reflection before exiting the room, towel still wrapped around his shoulders.
Dean wasn't sure what he was expecting when he walked into the bedroom. Part of him wanted to just get the conversation done and over with. The other part wanted him to run. So when he opened the door to find the room still empty he was only half relieved. He grabbed the towel from around his shoulders and rubbed at his hair again, then walked across the room to hang it to dry on the hook on the wall. Without anything else to do, he sat on the edge of the bed and started thinking again.
How the hell is he supposed to do this? He can't just blurt it out. 'Hey Cas, I sort of kind of have feelings for you.' Yeah, because that would go well. What if John found out? He would be putting himself, Sam, and Cas in danger. He shakes his head. No. He can't let John find out. He can't even tell Jo or Sam. If one of them accidentally let something slip then it would all be over. His knee started bouncing. Then there was his mom. His mom who he barely knew. Would she really be ok with her oldest being gay, bisexual, what ever. What is he now? He never felt attracted to another man, so why Cas? Why this blue eyed man with the strange name?
He leaned forward on his knees, one leg still bouncing up and down. Does this change him, this realization? He's still into cars. Point 1 for masculinity. But he likes Cas! He still likes rock music. Another point to masculinity. But Sam and Jo got him listening to more modern day music. Does that count against him? No. Many people like modern music. He's allowed to like different music, right?
"Dean?"
Deans' head shot up at the mention of his name. Cas stood in the door way, a concern look on his face. "Dean, are you ok?" he asked.
"Yeah, man." His voice came out kind of shaky. He cleared it and tried to steady himself. "Why do you ask?"
Cas narrowed his eyes and tilted his head. Again with the cat face? "Well for starters your hands are shaking and your... crying?" Cas blinked rapidly, as if unsure whether he was seeing things or not.
Dean raised one of his hands to his face. When he pulled it back it was wet. When did I start crying?
"Are you sure you're ok?" Cas asked again.
"Yeah..." Cas glared at him and crossed his arms. "...no. No I'm not ok." He blinked and finally felt the tears roll down.
"You want to talk about it?" he asked, concern evident in his gravely voice? He was still standing in the door way. Dean stared at those eyes that have been haunting him. Just answer him, dammit!
He nodded, not sure if he could trust his voice. As Cas walked towards the bed, Dean moved back and crossed his legs. Cas sat across from him, mimicking his sitting position.
"Dean..."
"You said we needed to talk, right Cas?" he asked. Cas nodded.
"Yeah. We do."
A minute passed, and neither said anything. They just stared at each other, cross-legged on the bed. Dean was lost in the other mans ocean eyes.
"Truth or Dare," Dean blurted, eyes becoming wide. Where the hell did that come from?
Cas was just as confused. "Wh-what?"
"Lets play truth or dare." he said in a calmer, surer, voice.
"O-okay. But since it was your idea, you have to go first." Dean nodded. "Truth or dare?"
"Truth."
Cas took a moment to figure out his first question, face scrunched up in concentration. "Okay. Um... you already know that I'm going to school to become a doctor next year. What do you plan to do after high school?"
Shit. Only Jo knows. Should I tell him?
Tell him you idiot!
"Um... if I tell you will you promise not to let anyone else know?"
"You're not supposed to answer with a question, Dean. That's not how the game works," Cas chuckled.
Dean glared. "I know that Cas. But I can't tell you if you're going to tell anyone else!"
Cas thought for a second. "You're not going to become a stripper are you?" he deadpanned. Dean laughed. Man, how long has it been since he had a good laugh.
"Nah, man. Nothing like that. Can I trust you to keep it quiet though? I just don't want anyone else to know yet." Cas nodded. "Okay... I'm leaving for Missouri in July."
"Why Missouri?"
His hand unconsciously rubbed the back of his neck. "I sort of forged my dad's signature so that I could join the Army."
Cas' eyes got wide. "You're joining the military?"
"Yeah. Military Police. Should be fun, right?"
"If you say so." Cas shrugged. "You're turn."
"Ok. Truth or dare, Cas?"
"Truth."
"Why don't you and your siblings look anything alike?" It has been bothering Dean all day. There is no similarities between Cas, Anna, and Gabe.
"New rule," Cas said abruptly, causing Dean to jump backward. It was Deans' turn to be confused. "Anything said in this room, stays in this room. Agreed?"
Dean thought about it. If Cas didn't have feelings for him, then at least he couldn't say anything to Jo or anyone else about it. He found himself nodding. "Fair enough."
Cas took a deep breath. "Ok." He stared hard at Dean, uncertainty in his eyes. "Anna and Gabe... aren't my real siblings."
Dean blinked a few times. They aren't his siblings? What the hell does that mean? "What?"
"I mean, they are my siblings, but not by blood. We were all adopted when we were less than a year old. Anna and Gabe don't know."
"Then how do you know?"
Cas averted his eyes. His cheeks turned read from embarrassment, or was it shame? Dean couldn't help but think how adorable Cas was when he blushed. He locked eyes with Dean again before continuing. "I, um, sort of got bored one day about two years ago. Anna and Gabe was out with some friends and my adopted parents were out of town. I found a box in their room with all of our adoption information." He let out a breath. "We always wondered why we weren't allowed in their room, you know? And I was home alone that day and was just like 'fuck it'." Tears started to form in his eyes. "My birth parents died in a car crash coming home from a date. They left us with a babysitter."
"Us?"
"I only have one living blood relative. My twin. Jimmy."
"You have a twin?" Dean was surprised to find his voice so low.
Cas nodded. "Yeah. We were separated. I went to Lilith and Alistair Milton. Jimmy went to the Novaks. Apparently we're identical twins."
"Jimmy Novak and Castiel Milton. Wow. Um. I'm sorry man. I'm so sorry. Have you ever met him? Jimmy, I mean?"
Cas shook his head. "I can't not until my birthday." He let out a sad laugh. "I'm not even supposed to know about him, Dean. How could they raise me and not even tell me that I have a twin?" A tear ran down his cheek. Dean wanted nothing more than to wipe in away and hug Cas until he felt better.
"I swear to you, Cas. I'll help you find him one day. I don't care if I die trying. If I knew about Sammy and never met him, I would be pissed."
"Thank you, Dean. Truth or dare?"
Dean almost forgot they were playing the game. "Truth."
"When I came in, why were you crying?"
He bit his lip nervously. "When I left earlier I went to see my mom. I, um, just had a lot of things on my mind, is all. I didn't even realize I was crying. Truth or dare?"
He didn't give Cas a chance to get more information. He wasn't ready to let Cas know yet. Cas knew that there was more behind his answer, but he let it slide for now. There was still a chance to find out later. "Truth."
"How hard has it been... being gay?"
Cas bit his lip. Dean tried hard, very hard, not to moan. He settled for a painful gulp instead. "I told Anna and Gabe when I was fourteen. They've been supportive. They were the only ones who knew until a few months ago. It was the last day of school for the year. One of the popular guys came up to me during study hall and tried kissing me. I told him to leave me alone, but he wouldn't stop. So I broke his nose and one of his arms. Thankfully, my classes already completed finals."
"Damn, Cas!"
He shrugged. "I went to the principal office while he was drove to the hospital. I told the truth, got expelled, and Lilith and Alistair grounded me. Funny thing is, they grounded me because I was gay, not for beating someone up."
"Wow."
"Eh. I'm here now. Nothing we can do about it. Truth or dare, Dean."
"Truth."
He averted his eyes again. After a loud gulp, he asked in a small voice, "how did your mom die?"
"That's a bit personal, Cas." Dean said. His voice was quiet as well. He could feel moisture between his again.
"I think it's a fair question, Dean. I told you about Jimmy. I'm not even supposed to know about Jimmy." He looked up. "Please?"
Dean sighed and tried to hold back the tears. "I was four. She was reading me and Sam a bedtime story in the nursery. After the story, she lifted me up to give him a kiss. I asked her if I could stay real quick to tell Sam something. I don't even remember what it was. She left the room and told me to meet her out in the hallway. When I finished, I tripped and fell into the dresser. A cup of water fell and spilled onto the nightlight. I didn't say anything when I left the room. My dad tucking me into bed when we smelled smoke. My mom was already in the nursery by the time we got there. I don't know why she went back, but when we got to the door, she was already in flames. My dad grabbed Sam and told me to get out of the house. When the firefighters got there, the house was partially in flame and my dad was running out the front door. I couldn't speak. I couldn't tell anyone that I spilled the water. It's my fault my mom is dead." Tears were rolling down Deans' face, but he didn't care. Cas was the first person he told this to.
"Dean. You were young. You didn't know it would happen. It was an acci-"
"Don't you dare say it was an accident, Cas. It's my fault. I'm to blame."
Unlike earlier when Dean wanted to hug Cas about Jimmy, Cas unfolded his legs and scooted over to Deans' side. He arms wrapped around him in a tight hug.
"Dean. It could have happened to anyone. It's not your fault."
He shoved Cas' arms away. "Don't say that. Don't you dare say that. She didn't deserve to die."
"No one deserves to die, Dean. Not like that."
"I almost killed Sammy too. I don't deserve to be alive, Cas."
"I'm happy you're alive," he mumbled. Dean didn't hear him though. "Do you want to continue with the game?"
Dean wiped his face. He took a few minutes to calm himself down, then nodded. "Sure. Um... Truth or dare, Cas?"
"Truth."
"When did you realize you were gay?"
Cas gave him a look and cocked his eyebrow. "Oookaay? What's up with the sudden interest with my sexuality?"
Dean shrugged. "Just curious."
Cas sighed softly. "I was thirteen. It was one of my classmates birthday and she had a party. We were playing spin the bottle. The popular guy, the one that I got in the fight with last June, spun it and it landed on me. We had to kiss... It was my first kiss." He paused for a moment before his face turned red. "It was my only kiss until a month ago."
Cas stayed quiet after that. It took a moment for Dean to realize what he meant.
A month ago? What happened a month ago?
Think about it, Winchester.
Deans' eyes got wide. Oh. He was Cas' second and last kiss.
"Oh."
Dean couldn't look Cas in the eye, and vice versa. It took a few minutes before either one was comfortable to speak. "So, um, truth or dare, Dean?"
"Truth," he answered, still looking at anything but Cas.
Cas looked at Deans' chest and saw the dark bruises that were still there. "What happened after Jo and I left yesterday morning?"
He knew the question was bond to come up. Rubbing his neck, he finally looked at Cas. "What do you think happened?"
"Dean. We've been through this already. You can't answer with an answer." he said softly.
He could see the answer in Cas' eyes though. He scrunched his eyes, willing the tears away. Without opening them, he answered Cas in a shaky breath. "My dad beats me." A tear managed to escape an eye. He lifted an angry hand to wipe it away, but was stopped by a gentler one cupping his cheek. His breath caught in his throat. Cas rubbed his thumb over Deans' cheek, wiping away the tear. He opened his eyes to find Cas' blue ones a foot away from him. Cas released his face and moved away. There was no pity or disgust on Cas' face. He let the breath out. "Truth or dare?" he asked.
"Truth."
"Have you ever been so scared of something that it physically affected you?"
"No."
He searched Cas' face. "Are you lying to me, Cas?"
"No. I understand what the question means, but I have yet to experience something that impacting. Truth or dare?"
"Truth."
"Why were you really crying?"
His eyes glistened with tears and his voice broke. "I'm scared, Cas. I don't know what to do, but I'm so scared. I'm worried about what my dad would do if he knew, and I'm worried about what would happen to Sam if dad were to find out."
"What are you scared about, Dean?"
He couldn't answer. He shook his head as tears poured down his cheeks. "Truth or dare, Cas?"
"Truth."
"Do you have feelings towards me, Cas?"
Cas' breath hitched. "What do you mean, Dean? You're my friend."
"Are those the only feelings though?"
He shook his head. "Dare."
"What?" Dean was confused.
"I change my mind. I want dare."
This is it.
Deans' eyes stared into Cas', searching. "I dare you to show me what I mean to you."
Dean saw the questioning look in Cas' eyes. Cas bit his lip and slowly crawled closer to Dean. His breath hitched in his throat as Cas' legs straddled his lap. Cas' hand carded through his still wet hair. The questioning look was still in Cas' eyes, asking for permission to continue. Deans' blood was pounding in his ears, blocking out all sound. He was lost in Cas' eyes, in his scent. Cas smelled of honey and rain. How someone could smell of rain, he didn't know. But Cas did. He almost passed out when Cas' lips met his own.
Notes:
I'm sorry for how long this took. Yes. I know I'm evil. I am not sorry though. ;)
