..

.

How could I?

His hands couldn't grip the fabric of his jeans anymore tighter. Even as it started to throb painfully, Allen couldn't loosen the grip. The pounding of his heart was loud in his entire body. The beating of his life organ strongly inside of his ears. Deafening him at the time.

How could this happen?

How did he let it happen?

Everything was going well. They were talking normally like they always did. Nothing out of the ordinary. He smiled content, and they return every happy moment back. The redhead beside him talked endlessly, he joked and laughed. It made Allen feel like it was just another Friday night with his friends. All night since they got to the youngest one's apartment was nothing but joy.

They were fine.

Yet, how did all of their talking ended up into this?

The silence ate at him, and it also ate at others in the room. Allen couldn't lift his gaze, he wanted to, but he just kept his head down. The shame and guilt heavier than anything Allen has ever felt before. He knew that at any moment his body would start to shake. He was more than afraid. He dreaded his day for as long as he can remember. Though simply as snapping fingers, it happened.

"I'm dating Kanda."

His words linger in the air. Just waiting for someone to grab hold of them and use it for something. Whether for good or bad, Allen simply wanted someone – other than him – to say something. One the silence consumed them, Allen slight hoped Lavi would have been the first one to burst out. He knew the redhead didn't restrain himself from saying what was in his mind, but to his surprise the older teen was quiet.

Allen didn't like a quiet Lavi, it simply made prof of how disappointed or angry his best friend was at him. The green-eyed male must be unhappy, Allen never mention the fact of him dating Kanda before until now. As he stare at the rug under his feet, his gray orbs slowly darted around and stop as he reached Fō's feet. His female friend wasn't saying anything either, which made Allen all the more nervous. Fō was loud and harsh. The girl should have said something when Lavi didn't, but she too was utterly mute.

To be honest with himself, Allen did see an awkward silence happening once he told them about his relationship with Kanda. However, he didn't expect it to be this painfully awkward. He much preferred his friends to yell out their heads off, than this deadly silence. He was to engrossed with himself, Allen didn't see the interaction happening in the other side of the room.

How long was it since he spoke? Two minutes ago? Ten? Maybe an hour went by, but Allen didn't care. He just wished someone open their mouth and just yell at him. At least that would lead to more talking, and even if they argue, it's much better than to stay nothing at all.

Look up and face them! His inner voice screamed.

Allen wanted to, but he couldn't find his will. He knew once he looked up and gaze at his friends in the eye, he will see their rejection. What else could he expect to see? Smiles? As the minutes ticked away, Allen finally seem to find his courage. At some point he has to face his friend's reaction, might as well do it now. He was the one who kept his relationship with the model a secret. Kanda told him many times to simply tell them, but it was Allen who didn't listen.

"Just tell them." Kanda said only a day ago. The ravenette looked more serious than ever.

Allen only said the same thing as before. "It's not time."

Apparently now was that time as he blurred it out only a moment ago.

Inhaling as much air as his lungs could hold, Allen looked up. Lavi was standing in the same place when Allen first broke the news. The redhead looked at him directly in the eye. Allen unable to keep his eyes on Lavi move his gaze away. Fō was sitting on the couch opposite from him. The petite girl's arms crossed over her chest as she gazed at Allen deeply. Fō's eyes didn't show anything, it mirror Lavi like a twin.

There it was, Allen felt like he's being interrogated by their eyes alone. He could feel – for just a brief moment – that his friends wanted to say something, and so he waited. Waiting for any type of outcome.

Lavi was the first to finally seemed to be done with the quietness of Allen's apartment. The redhead stared at Allen before a big grin – that wasn't suppose to be there – appeared. "No way!"

He wasn't expecting that to be the first thing Lavi would say, but it was. The older male soon moved closer until he stood next to Fō, who sat there looking at the redhead teen with a small frown.

"You're dating Yuu-chan?" If Allen wasn't tense and worry he would have laughed at the small squeal of Lavi's voice.

Nodding for he couldn't find his words, Allen slowly exhale the sigh he was holding. Lavi finally took a seat next to the girl on the couch. Fō simply looked at Allen before she to said what was in her mind.

"So... you're gay?"

At the same time their heads snap over at Fō. Lavi looked stunned to say the least. Alright so he was slightly thinking about that at a certain point, but he didn't know when he could ask. Yet, leave it to the petite girl to simply voice it out. He was so socked, Allen was going out with Kanda? For real what the fudge? Lavi didn't believed the ravenette had the guts to actually go out there and get Allen. How did Kanda get naïve little Allen to interpret his feelings?

Maybe Kanda just grew some and said it. He nodded to himself, it was something the ravenette would do. Kanda must have been patience and let Allen slowly figure it out. Poor Allen the confusion he probably went through. But was it really confusion? Lavi went back to stare at Allen. His best friend looked paler than ever. He almost looked sick. This was no joke, Allen really was dating Kanda. A guy.

"Um. Yes I think?"

Snapping out of his musing Lavi quickly spoke. "Hold it there! What do you mean 'I think' are you?"

Lavi knew Allen very well and as far as the redhead's knowledge his friend was straight. All the people the white haired boy ever dated were girls. Of the female gender. At this point Lavi was getting confused.

"I am dating Kanda so that does make me gay right?" Allen said all the while looking at his friends. He asked himself many time since the beginning of his relationship with the model. He's involved with a man, what else there was to say.

"I'm not sure you're really are gay Allen." Lavi began. "Because if you are then you hid it pretty well. You even fooled me all this time, and that stabs me here." The older teen pointed at his chest. Right where his heart was.

Feeling the air around his apartment less tense, Allen slowly relaxed. He was glad Lavi was starting to find this topic somewhat funny. It beat it from being an awkward conversation.

"I haven't hidden anything from you, Lavi." Allen felt slightly hurt that his friend thought of him as a liar throughout their life's. But you are a liar, you been lying to them for sometime now.

"Alright then, let me ask you this. Do you find me attractive?" The emerald eyed teen stood from his seat to show off his physique.

"Lavi!"

Fō quickly tugged the taller male down to the couch again. "What are you doing you idiot, this isn't funny."

Looking scared, Lavi slowly pulled his arm from the small grasp. Fō looked ready to kill him. "It's just a simply test. Allen said that he's gay but also said that he hasn't been hiding anything from us. I just want to know which one is it."

The small girl only gave him a good look before turning away from him. "Fine, do what you want but don't make him feel bad." The last thing Fō needed was for Allen to feel hurt by whatever Lavi was going to do.

At last Lavi once again stood on his feet. "Allen, when you look at me do you feel anything? Like I don't know turn on?"

Was Lavi making fun of him? Allen looked at his other friend to see Fō shaking her head. The younger one turn back to the redhead. Even if Lavi was taking this whole thing a bit too far, it was better for it to be amusing and not something depressing.

"Well no, I don't feel anything towards you Lavi. Sibling feelings yes, but beyond that point no." He had always felt this bonding connection with Lavi, it was more of a family love he felt towards the older teen and nothing else.

He saw Lavi think for a minute and so the energetic redhead male took the televisions' remote control and began to surf the channels. Fō and Allen stayed quiet while observing the other man being busy.

"Lavi?"

After a long moment of silence – of which only the television could be heard – Lavi turn back and face Allen. "Alright do you find this guy attractive?"

Oh he should have known, Lavi wasn't going to let anything slid without making a fuss. Allen wasn't sure if this was Lavi's way of torturing him for not telling the redhead about his relationship. He looked at the blond man in the screen. He was probably in his twenties or so. He smiled brightly – almost like Lavi – as he spoke with a woman. It looked like some type of drama show. It was a drama show that started all of this in the beginning, it made Allen finally tell his friends about Kanda.

At last, after looking at the blond male Allen's head snapped back to Lavi. "No I don't find him attractive." He answered honestly because he didn't find the other man in the slightest appealing.

"Alright what about this dude." One more click and the channel changed to another show.

Allen watched the dark haired man having a drink with a friends of his and Allen shook his head. "No and Lavi I don't know what this is about but why are you asking me this questions?" Allen made a small face. He didn't understand why was it so important to know if he found other men attractive.

"I'll tell you once I think we're finish kay'? Now tell me what do you think about this one?"

0o0o0o0o

For god knows how long, Lavi kept changing the channels and asking the same question about each man who appeared in the television. Allen kept his reply with a simply 'no' and just waited until Lavi would be finish.

"Fucking hell! Damn it he said no what else do you want!?" Fō snapped after she'd been sitting on the couch looking ready to doz off.

Carefully Lavi sat down on the couch, avoiding to anger Fō any longer. "Fine the reason I did this was to see if you really are gay." The teen accepted his explanation. "But as I see it and Fō too. Allen I think you're not well homosexual."

"Really?"

Nodding Lavi relax further in the couch and looked at Allen with a certain glee. "Well, I'm no therapist to be sure so let's talk about Kanda." The redhead saw the change in Allen's demeanor by hearing about the male model. The younger teen straighten up in his seat. "Alright-yd, tell me Al what do you feel when you see Yuu-chan? Explain in details what exact feelings over come you at the sight of him."

That's unexpected, Allen sighed softly at the weird and not so good question. He's feelings for the model once he see Kanda? Well there are many emotions that rush over him, but Allen doesn't know how to explain it.

"I feel... happy I guess."

"Uh huh. Go on."

He took a few seconds to search in his mind. "Awkward."

"Awkward? How so?"

At this, both Lavi and Fō took notice of the small blush arising on the younger cheeks. Lavi leans forwards waiting for Allen to continue.

"Well- I don't want to say it."

"Have you kissed him before Allen?"

Allen's face turn a shade darker and the boy avoided eye contact from his friends. Lavi smiled big at Allen's shyness, it was just to adoring. "You have haven't you! Oh tell me- Ouch!"

Fō had jabbed her elbow on the redhead's side to stop him from talking. Allen had gotten uncomfortable and she didn't like it. Whether Lavi was just messing around or not, Fō didn't what the redhead to poke fun of the younger one. Allen was telling them something very personal, and it wasn't about to turn into a laughing matter. Not while Fō could stop it. "I told you don't make him feel bad." The girl hissed at him.

He had never seen Fō act all motherly hen on him before. Lavi just found something else he liked about the girl. Putting that aside, Lavi refocus on Allen and try to make this less weird. "It's okay don't answer that one." Even when I already know it.

"So Allen how long have you been going out with Kanda?" Fō interjected. She too was curious to find out at least a small part of her younger friend's new – and somewhat odd – relationship. But unlike the redhead sitting next to her, Fō wasn't going to be so noisy about the topic.

"A month I think."

"A month!" Lavi yell. Fō send him a warning look that settle him down. "Sorry. Wow that's sometime huh?"

To say Lavi was surprise was an understatement. A month and his friend hadn't told them anything? Was Allen never going to tell Lavi about Kanda? It didn't really added up for him, Allen always told them – at lest to Lavi that is – about things that happen to the younger teen. For a single month the white haired teen kept his relationship with the model very well hidden. This made Lavi wonder if Allen was either ashamed of his current involvement with the model, or he wasn't that comfortable of saying it to them.

Thinking about it, Lavi was making this into a big deal. Fō, who always said everything that she thought was actually being civil. The girl wasn't taking Allen's new status in the wrong way or said anything hurtful. So why was Lavi overreaction? Simple he felt left behind. His best friend – practically brother – never told him that he was dating Kanda. Lavi was the one feeling hurt he was kept under wraps, and making the white haired teen feel unease was a way of payback

Sighing to exhale his tension, Lavi smiled. "We don't really know if you really swing that way, but if you're conformable with Kanda then I'm alright."

The emerald eyed male saw his best friend return the jester. "Thanks I was actually very worry of telling you guys about it. I know I should have told you both early on, but I just couldn't find the courage. I-I was afraid that you guys would have rejected me."

The hurting look on Allen's face pull at both of their hearts. Lavi stood and approached his friend and took hold of his shoulder. "I will never turn my back on you Al, you know that. I don't really mind who you decide to date as long as you're happy. And if Kanda is that, then there's nothing else to say. Just promise me you won't hide things from us. Right Fō?"

The girl soon joined them and sat beside Allen taking one of his hands. "Yes, we'll always be here, you dummy. Just like you have always been there for us."

Allen felt a small stinging in his eyes. Why did he ever doubt his friends? They would always see beyond his errors, and never cast harsh judgment over him. Allen doesn't even understand at what point he felt that his two closes friends would ever look down on him. Lavi and Fō were very accepting people and Allen knew that. Just somewhere between him dating Kanda and other things Allen had forgotten that. He should have told them and not fear them.

"Thank you."

Lavi went down on his knees and hugged his friend. "Don't be." The two looked at the girl and Fō roll her eyes before making it into a group hug.

"Anything else you need to get off your chest?"

In an instant Allen felt his heart pick up speed again. There was something else just as big as the first issue. Cross, but he couldn't say it.

Later when it doesn't look all that bad. He reassured himself.

Shaking his head and finding his best smile Allen answered. "No nothing." He was actually glad his friends didn't say anything else. "And while we're being honest." Allen said out of nowhere. "Do you guys don't have anything to say about something you're hiding. I'm just saying since I just told you both something very personal."

Quickly the attention that was once on Allen in the begging was gone. Lavi looked around as if thinking about it. Fō in the other hand just looked at Allen with a serious look. Allen was hopping since they were having a heart to heart talk, he could make his two thick-headed friends say their own secrets.

"I don't think so." Lavi spoke first and his green orbs landed on Allen.

"Same here." Murmur Fō scratching the side of her hand.

They won't say anything? Ah, so complicated. "Alright then let's get something to eat."

"I can't wait to see Yuu-chan." Lavi said as they stood, and Allen had a feeling that it wasn't going to be something good. Knowing the redhead, Lavi wasn't letting the matter rest easy.


"And here is your first payment." Komui handed the boy a small piece of paper.

As he looked at the small sheet, Allen began to speak with the older man. "Isn't it too much?" Not that he was complaining or something. This money could pay off a few of Cross's debts, but Allen wasn't sure he actually did anything to receive this type of money.

The glasses wearing man waved his hand in dismiss. "No I think it's fine. A couple of people actually really liked your look believe it or not." He gave Allen a look over as the boy was busy with his check. "The pictures Bak took off you a few days go caught attention Allen-kun. Which mean you will be modeling for the designers that paid to have your image and that explains the sum of the money you just received. And believe me this is only the beginning, soon you will have a line of people wanting you as their model."

Pocketing the check Allen return to the other man. "When do you want me to start working?"

Komui looked at his computer before he reply. "Well they said as soon as they send their merchandise we'll begin. I think in a couple of days. I will informed Tiedoll about it as soon as I have a date."

Allen stood from his plush chair once he'd finish talking with Komui. He would wait for any word from Tiedoll later on, then he will return to the Order. He felt a small rush of excitement and hesitation take over him. The next time he would be in front of a camera was going to be Allen's official debut as a model.

He gave his boss a last good-bay before he walked out of the large office. Turning to the hallway he found Kanda leaning against the wall. Apparently when he told Kanda to be discreet about their relationship the ravenette wasn't keeping distance in that request.

He walked up to the older teen and stood in front of him. "I thought you were working?" Allen said as he remember Kanda walking along Bak when he arrived at the Order.

The model stood away from the wall and took hold of him. "He went to a meeting." The older teen informed and leaned forward for a kiss, Allen quickly stopped him.

"Not here Kanda." He whisper softly. Komui's office was only like right next to them. If the man decided to get out Komui would get an eyeful of the two of them kissing on the hallway.

Eying his lover, Kanda found the boy with the wig irresistible. The dark locks made his Moyashi's eyes brighter than before. Thinking it through, Kanda tugged the younger male somewhere privet where he could have his Moyashi all to himself.

0o0o0o0o

"Kanda?"

The ravenette's hands stopped playing with the ivory locks. He gaze at his Moyashi, the younger male lay on the canopy couch with his head on Kanda's lap. "What is it?"

Allen kept brushing the dark wig with his hands. He took it off the moment he had been lay down. A few small tangles taken care of. Bak gave him permission to take the wig along with him. He was actually very thankful because now he didn't have to worry about anyone noticing him. The wig shinned with the light of the room. Kanda had brought him to some type of lounge room. It was big and it only had the two of them inside, and Allen was glad.

"Remember that you asked me to tell Lavi about us?"

While the two were comfortable, Allen begin to think that it would be better to tell Kanda about the news. Of course as he kept thinking about it something popped up inside his head. As much as he wanted Kanda to be present when he told his friends about the relationship, the ravenette wasn't around. Which of course meant Allen hand to handle everything that happened. He went through a very intense and odd moment of his life with his friends – and Kanda who was also involved in the topic wasn't there – Allen thought it unfair and the idea came to him.

"What about it?" Kanda was curious about what his lover was getting at.

He gave the dark fake strands of hair a last brush before looking up at Kanda. The raven male was giving him his full attention. Allen kept quiet for a moment just wanting for the other to feel that something was wrong.

"Moyashi?"

Ah, he got him. Allen bit his lower lip trying to act nervous and it seemed to work as Kanda bend forward to him searching into his eyes. He then avoided eye contact once he felt it was time. "Kanda, I... I told them about us." It was said very softly, Allen thought that Kanda might not have heard it. Then the quietness that follow made Allen want to smile. He simply waited for any type of response from the ravenette.

"And what happened?"

Sighing softly, Allen then rose from his very comfortable place. He sat the wig down and faced the model. He didn't say anything for a long time and that only seemed to make Kanda inpatient.

"Moyashi what happened?"

Allen slightly hunched, his gazed dropped, and he couldn't believe he hasn't burst out laughing. "They- Kanda, they think that we shouldn't see each other anymore."

The fast beating of his heart suddenly came to a short stop, before it retook its pace. Kanda stared at the small body before him. His Moyashi looked ready to tear up. It tore at his heart to see his lover look down. So it appeared like his Moyashi telling his friends wasn't a good idea. Maybe that was the reason the younger teen didn't mention to his friends about their relationship. Moyashi knew the redhead would object and apparently just asked the white haired teen to end things with Kanda. Slowly the sense of dreaded faded and an anger grew. Like hell he would end things with his lover just because the idiot redhead wanted so. Kanda went through many things to get his Moyashi, and to not see him was not an option whatsoever.

"Tell Lavi to fuck off."

Allen's head snapped up at hearing Kanda speak after a long time. What he saw scared him, yes very much. Kanda looked ready to kill and Allen was doubting his small prank. Before he could say anything that might help calm the ravenette, Kanda all but pulled him to his side. A small yelp escaped him and once he felt the vertigo vanish Allen came face to face with the older teen. Kanda held him on place as Allen straddled the model's lap. For a few seconds he just blinked before he realized where he was. He began to lift himself off the other man, but Kanda held his hips in place. "Kanda let me..." He lost his voice at the intense look the ravenette was giving him. Allen shift slightly not really paying attention to what might occur due to the friction.

"Kanda?"

Hearing his name the cobalt eyes seemed to return to life. A soft hand slowly touched one of Kanda's cheeks. "Are you hurt?"

"Don't listen to Lavi." Was the ravenette's answer.

Now he got it, Kanda was trouble by what he told the model about his friends. Allen smiled softly at the long haired male. Being truthful Allen would have laughed, the look on Kanda's face was beyond funny. He didn't because now he was feeling bad for lying to his lover.

Lover? Really Allen? Well he is right?

Mentally shaking his head, Allen decided to cut the act. "Kanda you know something?" He began. The model frown at him and Allen continue. "I was just being funny. Though maybe it isn't so funny anymore. But it could be funny and I could laugh, but then that would make you mad and making you mad is not funny. So this-"

Kanda silence him with a finger on those soft lips. "What are you saying Moyashi?"

Allen smiled shyly. "Lavi and Fō don't mind me dating you Kanda. I was just trying to make you feel uncomfortable like I felt when I told them about us. Sorry I didn't mean to upset you." He averted his silver orbs after he explained.

Kanda wanted to smack his palm on his forehead. His Moyashi was being awkwardly shy once again and Kanda still found it as turn on. Speaking of, their position wasn't at all helping him shut those naughty thoughts away. Slowly he let his hands reach and cup his Moyashi's face. "That wasn't funny but this." Before the younger teen could respond Kanda brought his small face down and kissed him. His small lover fought back for a few seconds before returning the affection. Tongues clashing for the lead, the two individuals in the lounge room lost themselves into each other.

Allen didn't know where to hold feeling as if anytime he might just fall. Kanda always made him feel so out of balance. One of his hands holding on Kanda's chest suddenly slipped and Allen ended up touching something very odd? Their lips parted once Kanda grunted and Allen gasped. Looking down the younger teen blushed a deep crimson and soon jumped away from Kanda as far as he could go. He stared wide-eyed at the ravenette and turned away.

"S-Sorry." Oh god, I didn't just touch Kanda there! His thought just made his face feel all the more hot.

He could hear Kanda standing up and making his way towards him. "Moyashi." Allen felt long arms wrapped around his small frame. The solid chest of the older teen on his back. "Don't be shy." The statement just made Allen feel even more awkward. Don't be shy? Allen just touched another male's anatomy for heaven's sake!

The teen try to get his heart beating under control. Slowly, he calmed himself once again. Well Kanda was a male as is Allen, whatever the model has; Allen does too. There is nothing about the others body that Allen doesn't know about. It would have been much worse if one of them was actually a woman. Now thinking about it that would have been so weird.

"What are you thinking?"

"Nothing." Allen said trying not to think about what just happened. Why did he over react? Maybe because the other's body was in a sort of uncomfortable state no man wanted it to be. Kanda was...

"We'll get there."

The ravenette's last words confused him. "Get where?" Allen wonder while glancing up at the older teen.

He saw the dark-haired male give him one of those strange looks Allen can pretty sure figure out if given the time. Kanda chuckled at him and Allen looked away. "You'll see"

"Okay?"

He smiled down at the boy in his arms. His Moyashi was too innocent to get the meaning of Kanda's words. It pleased him to see his little lover be naïve and simply pure. He's a virgin without a doubt. Kanda wasn't sure how long he could last before his inner desires finally surge and he won't be able to repress them. Just look at him now, Kanda was trying to get his body under control. His Moyashi always cause him to get aroused. Hopefully his lover would be ready soon because Kanda was standing on thin ice.


"So Al tell me when is Yuu-chan coming to see his boyfriend."

Allen felt the heat rush over his cheeks. Lavi wasn't going to let Allen live this one down. After he told his friends of his relationship with the model, Lavi hasn't stop teasing him. The redhead always had some type if question regarding Kanda. Allen was on the verge of actually snapping at his best friend, but he held back. Mostly because Allen somehow deserve it, this was some sort of way for Lavi to vent out his small feeling of betrayal.

"I don't know."

He gave his locker a good glance before closing it. Their last class just ended and Allen wanted to be sure he left everything he didn't need to take home. He stepped away and began to walk with Lavi. The green-eyed male was going to take them to the older teens house. Apparently Lavi needed help with some papers that his grandfather left him as 'homework.'

"When was the last time you saw him?"

"Two days ago." And in a few days he would see him again. Tiedoll had called him earlier telling Allen of his new work schedule.

"Do you know when he's coming over at your place." Lavi wiggled his eyes brows in a creepy way and Allen narrowed his eyes.

"Why are you so anxious to see him? It looks to me like you miss him."

Lavi laughed healthfully making the corridor of the first floor fill with his cheer. "Oh you'll find out when I see him."

Whatever Lavi had in mind made Allen worry. Knowing his friend nothing good will come, and most likely Allen to will get dragged into it. They kept talking while making their way out, and as they rounded a corner Lavi suddenly stop. Allen stopped talking when his friend simply stood there. "Lavi?"

Nothing, the taller male only seemed to be in some sort of long daze. "Hey Lavi are you alright?" He waved a hand in front of those green marvels.

"Al." The redhead said softly. Allen took a step closer to the other male.

"Lavi you're scaring me-"

"Allen."

Hearing his name being called, Allen turn around. It took him a few seconds to processes what he was seeing before his eyes bugged out of his head.

Wha...

Standing only a few feet away from them was a girl smiling softly. Her once braided hair was now loose, brown locks slowly swaying with the wind. Her eyes no long covered by round glasses and her chocolate orbs clearly visible. The girl before him was very different, yet Allen could never mistaken her.

"Lo Fwa?"


A/N: Phew! A new chapter is done. Hopefully you guys liked chapter nineteen.

Thanks everyone who has been following the story and reviewing.

It only drives me further to write this Yullen story.

Take care everyone.

See ya!