Here's chapter 18, continuing on with Jasper's Civil War memories and my own version of his human life. This is one of my favorite chapters, so reviews are most welcome! And thank you dkjkaden for your review, and I am kind of a fan of cliff hangers. They keep y'all reading ;)

Chapter 18: If I Had Known

Jasper stood just outside the closed door of Carlisle's office, reading his emotions to see if now would be a good time to talk with him. Not that Carlisle would ever turn one of his children away, but it was a habit that Jasper had gotten into over the years. All he felt was extreme amounts of focus and fascination, which meant the older vampire was probably pouring over another medical book. Now was as good a time as any. Jasper tried to steady himself and gain some semblance of control. His own emotions were running so high right now, he knew that if he knocked on the door, he would forget his own strength and his fist would surely go flying through the wood.

Suddenly, he felt waves of comfort and calming relaxation wash over him. Turning to look over his shoulder, he saw Alice standing a few feet away, a sweet and encouraging smile on her beautiful face. Jasper didn't say anything, and neither did she. They didn't have to. With one of his famous crooked grins that he knew she loved, he projected his gratitude towards her. She accepted it with a nod, and focused on her confidence in him, reassuring her beloved husband that she would be there for him whenever he needed her.

His strength and determination renewed, he knocked ever so gently on the door looming before him. "Come in," Carlisle said, tearing himself away from his book as his son entered the room. "Ah, Jasper. What can I do for you?"

Jasper was careful to remain calm, keeping his emotions, as well as his powers, in check. He did not want Carlisle to feel as anxious as he did, nor did he want him to feel the frustration and anger that was beginning to well up in his chest. The last time he'd slipped up and let Emmett feel some of that anger while they were arguing, well, let's just say Esme got an entire new set of living room furniture and leave it at that. He silently cursed himself. How many times had he caused Esme to redo that living room?

After Carlisle's insistence, Jasper sat down across from him. "I needed to ask you 'bout somethin'," he said, his Texan accent growing more prominent as it always did when he was excited or upset, the reason being the latter just now.

"Of course. Anything, you know that, Son," Carlisle said. Even without the influence of Jasper's powers, he could tell that something was troubling him deeply.

At the sound of the familiar term from his memory, Jasper flinched as he opened up the top two buttons on his shirt. Slowly, he pulled down the edge of it to reveal the jagged white scar. "What do you know about this, Carlisle?"

As Carlisle stared at the scar beneath Jasper's collarbone, many emotions raged within him. Concern for Jasper, knowing he must've remembered where that scar came from. Just another memory to add to his never ending nightmares. Carlisle felt guilty for not telling him about it sooner. He regretted not changing Jasper himself when he had the chance to over a hundred years ago, and thereby sparing him the horror he had experienced with Maria. Carlisle understood why he had come to him with this question, and accepted the accusing anger he saw in Jasper's eyes, though he was careful not to let his father figure feel it. Jasper felt each emotion as it rolled over to the next, finally stopping on a love that Carlisle felt for his son that was so powerful and overwhelming it nearly crushed him.

"All these years," Jasper said, choking on all of his and Carlisle's strong, conflicting emotions, "why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you tell me who you were?"

"I couldn't bring myself to," Carlisle sighed heavily, remembering the day Jasper and Alice had entered their family. "I recognized you immediately when I first met you and Alice. But I could also see that something had happened to you. Something that changed you from the brave young soldier that I treated, to a man who looked as though he had lived a thousand lifetimes. So I didn't tell you. I did not want to bring it up and risk causing you more pain than you were already in by recalling the memory."

"But why didn't you change me, Carlisle? My heart was beatin' half the speed a human's should be," Jasper sighed shaking his head. "I probably would't have even felt the fire of the transformation, I was so delirious from the fever and loss of blood."

"I couldn't have done that to your family, Jasper. I had to try and save you for their sake," Carlisle said, knowing that he would want someone to do the same for one of his adoptive children if the opportunity ever arose. Which, please God, it never would.

Jasper shook his head slowly. "I had no family, Carlisle. There was no one left for me to live for."

Carlisle was shocked. He had never heard about Jasper's life before the war. No one had except Alice, and even she only knew bits and pieces.

Sensing his confusion, Jasper continued, answering the questions he guessed were running through Carlisle's mind. "I grew up in Texas with my mother, and my younger brother, Aaron. My father took off soon after Aaron was born. We were only two years apart, so I don't remember, and my mother never talked much about it. When I was fourteen there was a cholera outbreak in our small town. My mother and Aaron fell very ill, and I was the only one to look after them and our farm. I suppose I probably had a touch of it too, but not bad enough to wear me down any. Aaron pulled through, but my mother died," he said, drawing in an unneeded shaky breath. He hadn't thought about his real family much, and, although the memories of his human life were hazy and vague, he was surprised by how much he could remember, and by how much it still hurt.

"Before she passed away though, I promised her that I would look after Aaron. That I would keep him safe. He and I ran the farm together for three years until the war broke out. We joined up soon as we could. It wasn't difficult to convince them that I was eighteen, for it was just a year older than I truly was, and the Confederate Army was desperate for troops so they accepted Aaron as well. We always had each other's backs during each of the small skirmishes we fought. But the battle that gave me this," he said somberly, indicating to the scar on his chest, "was also the battle that took Aaron's life. We got separated before the fighting ever began. I had just finished off a Union soldier when I saw my brother's horse get shot out from underneath him. He jumped back up on his feet, drawin' his sword to protect himself against a Yankee, when suddenly a musket shot rang through the air. I heard it above the noise of battle that surrounded me. When the bullet struck Aaron in the chest, I felt his pain as if it were my own. I jumped down off my own horse and ran to him, cursin' myself for lettin' this happen; for lettin' my mother down. When I reached him, he simply looked up at me and smiled, as though he was forgivin' me for not being there to help him. He died in my arms, and I was alone in the world. The rest of the battle is a blur of blood and black powder smoke. The next thing I knew I was lyin' in a hospital tent, looking up at you," Jasper sighed, drawing his tragic tale to a close. That was what his whole life had been up until he met Alice: a tragic tale. "You should have let me die, Carlisle. Other than the army, I had nothin'. If you weren't goin' to change me, dying would have been the preferable alternative to becoming the monster that Maria made me."

"Jasper, my son," Carlisle said sadly, "had I known how much you were suffering... if I would have had any idea of the unimaginable torture Maria would put you through, believe me, I would have changed you without giving it a second thought. I would have claimed you as part of my family, as my son, right then and there if I would have only known the pain it would save you from enduring. But I thought you had a chance, Jasper. As severely wounded as you were, you were not as close to death as your mother, your sister, and your brothers were. You were young and strong with your whole life before you. I simply could not bring myself to damn you for all eternity when there was still a chance that you might live a normal, human life. And, if I would have changed you then, there is a great possibility that you might never have met Alice."

Jasper felt all the air in his body rush out of him, as if he'd been punched in the gut. Life without Alice? A life without his beautiful, terrifying, wonderful little monster? It was unthinkable. He wouldn't survive one minute without her. He would gladly relive all the horrors of his life a thousand times over if it meant he would be able to spend eternity with her. But deep down, he knew she would be better off without him. The whole family would be actually. After a decade, he was still the weakest link. He held them all back, and he knew it. Out of all of them, he was the one who had slipped up the most and forced them to move. Granted, he hadn't since Renesmee was born, but sometimes, he could still feel the anxiousness of his parents and his brothers and sisters whenever he was in close proximity to a human. It was justifiable though, and that was perhaps the most frustrating. More than once he had planned his whole attack and had been on the verge of executing it when, luckily, Alice had seen it and Emmett and Edward were there to restrain him. To stop him before the blood thirsty savage within him took complete control. And look what had happened with Olivia. He knew it was not just a coincidence that she had chosen him to take control of. Everyone said it was because of his history as a soldier, but he knew the truth. It was because he was the weakest, the most likely to fall, and his family never would've suspected a thing had it not been for Renesmee. They all would've assumed that he had finally snapped after having lived so long as a 'vegetarian'. They didn't always have the utmost trust in him, and honestly, neither did he.

Jasper hung his head. He hated being weak. He hated hurting those he loved. Perhaps he could go to Alaska. Maybe Peter and Charlotte still lived there. He knew he could stay with them until he had planned what to do next. He could slip away during a hunting trip. No one would have to know. He could leave them in peace, and Alice could move on with her life, not having to worry about him anymore...

Suddenly, the door to the office flung wide open. Alice stood before them, her arms hanging limply by her sides, and her face paler than usual as her sad topaz eyes stared blankly at Jasper. "You're... you're leaving me?" she sobbed tearlessly. "Jazz... why? How could..."

Jasper was on his feet and by her side in a matter of seconds. He couldn't handle seeing his angel in pain, especially if he was the cause of it. He wrapped his arms around her, and she buried her face in his chest. Her body shook with sobs and her fingers clutched desperately at the fabric of his shirt. "Please don't go," she whimpered. "I can't lose you, Jazz! I need you! Without you... my life... it's not worth living."

Carlisle left the room to give them some privacy. Jasper nodded his thanks before letting himself fall under the weight of his wife's emotions. All her of her fear, uncertainty, desperation, and heart ache matched his own. He couldn't even send any calming feelings towards her, because he himself felt none. Instead, he buried his head in the curve of her neck as tearless sobs began to wrack his body as well. "I'm not gonna leave you, Darlin'," he whispered hoarsely, knowing it was true. He would never be able to force himself to take even one step away from her. Their love, the bond they shared, was simply too strong. "I couldn't even if I wanted to. I'm gonna be right here by your side forever, Alice."

Jasper placed a finger underneath her chin, lifting her face until his lips found hers. Perhaps he could not send her calming thoughts, but he could show her his love, and that's exactly what he did. He let the love he felt for her pour through him in that kiss. In it was the gratitude he felt towards her for saving him from himself all those years ago, his wonder at her inner strength that made her so beautiful now and every day, and the promise of his love for her tomorrow and each day after that.

Alice sighed as her husband's powers took effect on her. Jasper felt the tension leave her body, and, scooping her up in his arms, he continued kissing her as he carried her into their bedroom.