Chapter 32
Pathetically
Disclaimer- Not mine.
The door to James' room swung open to reveal Sirius laying miserably on the bed while James and Remus sat on the floor finishing up their Wizards Chess game.
"If you're here to yell at me Lily, you can just go away." Sirius said, catching only a glimpse of red hair before stuffing a pillow over his head. He was secretly wishing he could suffocate himself right then so he would forget about what he had just put Julia through…again.
"Come on Sirius, don't beat yourself up over it." James said, moving his king to the left to keep from losing. "You didn't mean it and besides nothing happened." James looked up from the game and his eyes landed on his girlfriend who was standing in the doorway. He made to bring his attention back to the chess game, but quickly looked back up at Lily. "Lily, what's wrong?" He asked.
Remus looked over at her too. Her face was pale, looking at James almost desperately. She bit her bottom lip and took a deep breath. She already knew what she had to tell them and she wasn't going to back down.
"Sirius, do you promise not to flip out at me?" She asked, closing her eyes for a split second before looking over at the bed where Sirius was laying.
Sirius removed the pillow from his head and immediately sat up on the bed. "What did you do?" He asked her, throwing the pillow aside.
Lily looked away, taking a deep breath. Sirius stood up as she did. "Lily, what did you do?!" He asked. Lily never acted like this. She was always so confident that whatever she had done was right, and didn't care about what anyone else thought about it. But clearly, she cared now. And there was only one thing he could think of that would make Lily actually consider someone else's opinion besides her own…
Lily remained quiet. She turned her head once again towards Sirius but still refused to look him in the eyes.
"Lily!" Sirius nearly roared. "What did you tell her?!"
Lily furrowed her brow in frustration before blurting out. "I couldn't help it Sirius! I had to tell her! Do you have any idea how upset she's been?"
Remus looked from Sirius to Lily. "What do you mean, you told her?" Remus asked.
Lily let out a sigh. "Everything. I told her everything."
James's mouth dropped. Never in a million years would he ever think Lily would tell Julia what had really happened, especially after she had promised Sirius she wouldn't. He had known she had always wanted to tell Julia, but he never thought she actually would.
A fit of rage boiled up inside Sirius, "You stupid-." He let out a strand of the worst curse words, some of which, Lily had ever heard before.
"I'm sorry Sirius!" Lily said as desperately as she could. She didn't want him to get this mad at her.
"Oh you're sorry?" Sirius said, advancing on her. "What the hell is sorry going to do for me, huh?" He was standing so close to Lily she almost could feel his chest heaving in anger. "I can't believe you would stoop so low, Lily Evans!" He yelled.
Lily looked up at Sirius and for the first time in her life realized how scary Sirius was when he was angry. He stood a foot taller that her, his grayish eyes glaring down at her like they could see right through her. She had never noticed this before probably because she had always been equally angry at him. But now, as he stood only inches away from her, she realized how helpless she felt as he towered over her.
Lily's second of fear passed and was replaced with indignation, "You have no right to yell at me! Do you have any idea how the crap you have been putting her through has affected her? She's not herself anymore. I did you a favor!" She snapped back, quickly regaining herself.
"A favor!" Sirius bellowed. He let out a loud, exaggerated sigh as his hands went down to his pockets. "Where did I put it?" He mumbled angrily as he searched his back pockets. He stomped his way over to the bed stand.
"Sirius!" Lily called as he walked away. She knew he was looking for his wand. She also knew that she would be completely helpless if he found it, not having hers. "Okay, I shouldn't have said that!" Don't get him too mad…She thought.
"Whoa, whoa." James said, hopping up from his seat on the floor. He pushed his way in front of Sirius so he couldn't reach his wand that was lying on the bed stand.
"Get out of my way James!" Sirius spat.
"Sirius you have no idea!" Lily said from behind the boys. "Just let me explain everything."
"No you stupid-swear-. I don't-swear- owe you-swear-anything. I don't-swear-need to listen to some-swear-excuse. You went against your word. And I-swear-thought you were my -swear- friend. But obviously, all you care about it your-swear-self!" He shouted.
James looked nervously from Lily back up to Sirius. James had seen Sirius mad a heck of a lot of times. In fact, there was rarely a time when Sirius wasn't mad about something. However, out of all the times James had seen Sirius angry, he had never seen him this upset. To tell the truth, he was really worried Sirius would do something he would regret.
"Sirius," James said, trying to calm him down. "I really think we should let her explain." He said. "Because honestly, I can't seen why she would open her mouth about this either." He finished, truthfully.
Lily was slightly taken aback that James had sided with Sirius so quickly. Deciding that that didn't matter after all, she had bigger things to worry about right now; like whether Sirius would let her live to see the next day.
Sirius looked at James before turning around to look at Lily. "Fine." He growled. "But she better make this fast. I don't think I'll be able to take it if I can't hex her -swear-."
Lily scowled at him. "If you think for one second you could ever get a hex past me you-." She defensively said before she could stop herself.
"Lily." Remus interrupted softly as he lifted himself off the ground. "Maybe you should just explain…" He said, his eyes wandering to Sirius, whose face was reddening with rage.
The scowl on Lily's face disappeared and it was replaced by a sad, melancholy face. "Okay fine." She said, sighing. "Sirius do you have any idea how upset she's been lately?" She asked Sirius, trying to remain calm.
"Bloody hell she's been upset! But how does that give you the right to say anything to her?" He snapped.
"Because!" Lily nearly whined. "You don't understand!"
"I suggest you make me understand or I'll throw you out of this –swear- house." Sirius barked back.
"This is not your house to throw me out of!" Lily snapped, growing more defensive with each word he spoke.
"It's more of my house than it is yours." Sirius threw back.
"That makes no sense Sirius. So why don't you just shut up so I can finish!"
"It bloody well does make sense!" Sirius argued, his voice gaining volume.
"Guys!" James said, silencing the two. "Lily, please just explain and Sirius," He said, turning to his best mate. "Just let her talk."
Sirius glared at Lily but fell silent. His heart was pounding furiously against his rib cage sending his blood speeding through his veins.
Lily took another deep breath before continuing. "Please Sirius. She was so depressed. You didn't see half of it. She used to have so much energy but now, when she's in our dorm she doesn't say a word." Sirius, bit hard down on his tongue to keep himself from saying anything. "She missed you so much and I don't think it was fair to her that all her friends were keeping something like this away from her. Every single one of us knew what had happened. Heck, even Peter knew." She said, looking away from the harsh glare Sirius was giving her to Remus's more sympathetic expression. "It wasn't fair." She finished, looking down at the floor.
"Life isn't fair Lily. Nothing that has happened between us has been fair. It wasn't fair what my father did to me. And I'm sorry that it wasn't fair to her either. But that's the way it was." Sirius said, lowering the volume of his voice.
"I know but now it's more fair…" Lily said, quietly.
"Lily," James spoke up, calmly. "You do realize that Sirius was only doing this for her. He wasn't trying to hurt her. He was trying to help her. We weren't trying to keep her in the dark, we were trying to keep her from getting hurt again."
"How is lying keeping her from being hurt?" She asked, her voice gaining volume. "You don't think that she would be hurt to hear that all of her friends were lying to her?"
"To help her Lily!" James replied, his voice remaining calm. "Sirius was trying to help her! You should have respected that."
"Shut up James!" Lily said, her frustration boiling up inside her. James had never argued with her in her life. He had always been the one to listen to what she had to say. To James, Lily had never done wrong. "She was crying James! Julia was crying!" She said, forcing a tear out of her eye. "Have you ever seen her cry before?"
James went silent. Now that he thought of it, he had never seen Julia cry. He hadn't even seen her eyes water.
"People cry Lily!" Sirius said, clearly beyond frustration.
"Not Julia!" Lily snapped back.
James sighed and ran his hair through his dark black, already messy hair. "You probably should have comforted her then. Not given her more to think of."
"I agree completely James." Sirius said scowling at Lily. Lily looked from James to Sirius and back again.
Lily, knowing she was losing this battle, plopped down on the edge of James's bed and put her face in her hands. "I'm sorry okay!" She snapped.
Remus, noticing the unfair advantage the two boys had over Lily, piped in, "Guys, give her a break. She did this for the same reason you guys didn't want to tell her. She was trying to help her too."
"But it wasn't her decision to make!" Sirius barked in. "It was mine! This didn't happen to her. It happened to me!"
"You're not the only one that cares about her, Sirius." Lily yelled, a tear streaming down her now pink face. "She's my best friend and it killed me to see her so upset." She sniffed. "How did you expect me to keep this from her?"
"I thought you were a loyal friend!" Sirius roared at her. "I thought I could trust you."
"Well guess what Sirius!" Lily said back. "Julia thinks that same exact thing! She trusts me too. And how is it right for me to go against her trust for the sake of your stupid plan!"
"Stupid plan!" Sirius said, taking a step towards Lily. "How was it a stupid plan? What if I'm found guilty? What if they take away my wand? Then what's she going to do then? I rather she be with some other guy then have to spend her time thinking about my screw up while I waste away in Azkaban!"
"Your screw up saved our lives Sirius!" Lily shouted.
"How would that matter? Did you ever stop to consider how guilty she would feel if she found out what I did wasn't wrong? Especially after all those things she said to me."
"Sirius, she would have found out if you went to Azkaban anyway. At least now she has time to forgive herself if you end up going there." Lily let out a frustrated sigh and threw her hands in the air. "What the hell am I saying?" She thought out loud. "Sirius you idiot, you're not going to Azkaban! Every professor in our school knows that you have a good heart! Do you really think for a second any one of them would let anything like that happen to you?"
"Fighting about this is not going to change what happened." Remus said his voice, though not loud, held a certain strength that silenced the two. "No matter how much you yell at her Sirius, it's not going to change what she did."
Sirius sighed and put his head in his hands knowing Remus was right. "Lily you have to be the most irritating person I've ever met in my entire life." He said, in a defeated sort of way.
"You'll get over it." Lily said her voice a lot softer now. She looked up from the ground as Sirius removed his hands from his face. He had lost that look in his eyes. The look that said, 'Lily Evans, you are the lowest scum on earth.' though his gray eyes were still piercing through her.
Sirius shook his head. He looked down at Lily whose watery eyes were fixed onto the floor. She wiped the tears away from her face as Sirius said, "I guess I should go talk to her now."
"Yeah I'm thinking that would be a good idea." Lily said, dryly.
Sirius barged into the room where Lily and Julia were staying. "Julia I-" He stopped, looking from empty bed to empty bed. "Julia?" He called out as he walked towards the bathroom door. "Julia?" He asked one more time before pushing the door open to reveal nothing but a shower, toilet and sink.
Sirius quickly left the room in search of the Gryffindor elsewhere. He could feel his heart pounding against his chest. He was furious at Lily; the most furious he had ever been at her. But at that moment, he was more worried about Julia's reaction than Lily's betrayal.
Lily watched the door to the boys' room shut after Sirius had left. The room was deadly quiet and the air was thick with, what Lily knew was, total disbelief. Lily turned around slowly to look at James. "Are you mad at me?" She asked him.
"What do you think?" James replied, rather calmly as he plopped down on Sirius' bed.
"I figured…" She whispered, hoping that after all of this was over, he wouldn't still be mad at her.
"Lily?" Remus asked softly."What?" She replied, looking up from the ground to him."Now that Sirius is gone, what did you really tell Julia?" He asked, calmly. Remus wasn't one to act on emotion, like Sirius, and he wasn't one to always trust what others said, like James. He was fairly good at seeing through people, something that all of his friends had always admired about him. He knew Lily had been up to something right from the start. It seemed to out of character for Lily to say anything to Julia.Lily frowned and shook her head in disbelief.
"But-How did you-?" She began but was only interrupted by Remus.
"Since when do you apologize to Sirius?" He replied.
Sirius eventually found his way into the family room. He had looked all over the place for Julia but he couldn't find her anywhere. He knew that she hadn't left the house because the doors were still locked tight. Unless she had a key…Sirius thought as he looked out the window. A layer of snow had blanketed the area outside. No footprints…
Sirius sighed figuring he should just go back upstairs. Julia would find him if she wanted to talk to him. If not, then maybe it was better that he give her some time to think everything over.
He put his foot on the first step that led up to the floor James' room was on and stopped. He looked up the dark corridor before removing his foot off the step. He didn't want to have to go up there and talk to Lily again. Sirius knew that arguing with her was futile. They were both too stubborn to see the other side of the conflict.
Sirius, instead, chose to walk down a particularly long hallway to the Potters' family room. The only source of light in the isolated, dimly light room was coming from the dying embers of the large fireplace.
Upon entering, Sirius let out a tired sigh before plopping down on the big comfy sofa right across from the fireplace. He ran his hands over his face up to his dark black hair and tugged at the ends of it. "I can't believe she told her. She's such a-." He spoke to himself before removing his hands and leaning back on the couch.
"Who?" A voice came from the other side of the family room. Sirius jumped up, his hand instinctively going to his pocket for his wand, which at that time, he remembered was upstairs.
"Julia?" He asked, squinting through the darkness, vaguely recognizing the figure.
Julia lifted up her head to look at Sirius, "Yeah, the one and only…" She quietly spoke. Julia was sitting on an armchair off on the other side of the room. Both of her legs were bent on the chair, her chin resting on the top of her knees. She found it in herself to throw Sirius a soft smile before looking at the wall past him.
"Julia I am so sorry." Sirius started as he walked over to her. "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean for you to find out in this was."
Sirius had been trying so hard to keep Julia close to him even though he knew they couldn't be together. Having Lily tell Julia was like ripping away all that he had worked for. He had imagined telling her in so many different ways…He imagined her being so happy to hear all about it…Not like this at all.
Julia looked up at him, her brow furrowed, completely confused. "Sirius, I thought you told me it was just an accident." She said, thinking he was talking about Petunia.
"Well, it kind of was. I mean, I didn't want to kiss her, I just had to." Sirius thought back to the day he had received the letter from his father. He had been torn thinking about it on the entire day. Was he going to break Julia's heart or risk her life? It was a decision he had never wanted to make.
"Had too?" She asked, her brow furrowing even more. He had to kiss Petunia? She thought. "What the bloody hell is that supposed to mean?" Her voice showed that she was more frustrated than angry. "How on earth do you figure that you had to kiss Petunia?" Julia slid her feet off of the chair and onto the wood floor. "And I thought you told me nothing happened with you and her!" Julia felt a pain sting her in the chest. So he really did kiss Petunia…She thought to herself. Why did I ever believe him…?
"No, no!" Sirius said. "Nothing did happen between Petunia and me." He quickly stated. "I was talking about the other girl. I had to kiss the other girl. You know, because of my dad and everything."
"Oh Sirius you're full of it." Julia said, her voice remaining quiet as she shook her head. "You're telling me that your father made you kiss that other girl?" She arched an eyebrow. "Do you think I'm thick or something?
"What?!" Sirius asked, his voice rising at an alarming rate. "After everything Lily told you about what my father put me through, you still are going to blame me for all of this!" He quickly reached a climax of anger. How could she be so ungrateful? Sure, he had imagined her to be a little angry because her friends had been keeping this secret from her. However, it never crossed his mind that Julia would think he should have never done it.
"What? Sirius I have no idea what you're talking about. Lily has never talked about your father to me before." Julia said, her voice now much more quiet. She looked up at him from her position on the chair and watched as his whole body relaxed as he released out anger.
Sirius brow furrowed as he looked over Julia's face, the crackling light from the fireplace catching in her eyes. With her forehead wrinkled and her big black eyes starring up at him, she looked just as confused as she was. Damn she's so cute. He thought, before quickly remembering that he was having a rather important conversation with her. Stupid, focus…He reprimanded himself before saying, "Lily must have done a bloody crummy job telling you than…It was my father that wrote me that letter. Lily must have told you about the letter right? Maybe she just left out that the letter was from my father…" He thought out loud, wondering why Lily would leave out such an important detail.
"Sirius, Lily has never talked to me before about your father or any letters before!" Julia said, shaking her head.
Sirius let out a frustrated sigh. "You know how Lily told you that I was forced to break up with you? Well my dad was the one who sent me the letter telling me to."
Julia was quiet for a little while as she searched Sirius face; searching for a sign that he was lying. When she found nothing, she said, almost inaudibly, "Sirius what's going on? What are you talking about?" It almost felt like she was going numb. Lily hadn't said anything to her about whatever Sirius was talking about. In fact, Julia had barely talked to Lily at all. Of course, Julia told her what she had seen between Sirius and Petunia. However, Lily had only suggested that Julia talk to Sirius about it. To be more accurate, she didn't 'suggest' she insisted that they talk by telling Julia to wait downstairs while she got Sirius.
"Oh she's a bloody p-." Sirius growled as he plopped onto the couch, running his hands over his face. "I – hate her." He swore now realizing exactly what Lily had done. How could he really have thought Lily would go against her word? Instead, she had just set him up to tell Julia himself…
"Who?" Julia asked, now completely confused.
"Lily." Sirius grumbled as he slowly sank on the couch across from where Julia was seated.
"What did she do?" Julia asked. Sirius was quiet for awhile as he debated what to do. There was still that conflict running through him about the trial but he wanted to forget about all of that. He wanted to tell her so bad. But part of him still wanted to keep her in the dark… "Go on…" She pursued.
"Okay, well. Here it goes." Sirius said, making up his mind. "I never really meant to cheat on you. I really had no-."
"Sirius." Julia interrupted as she made her way over to the couch he was seated on. She slowly sank down next to him as she said, "Promise me that whatever you are going to say isn't going to be a lie."
Sirius took Julia's hand in his own. "No more lies. I promise." Julia looked up at him, her eyes meeting his, clinging onto every word he said. Could he really be telling me the truth? She thought, hopefully.
Julia nodded and Sirius continued, "My father sent me a letter a few weeks ago saying he didn't want me going out with you because-." He paused, knowing this was probably a touchy subject. "Because your parents were Aurors…" He said. "You see, my dad was and still is a Death Eater. He hated your parents and said some pretty nasty things about them…" Sirius almost cringed at the thought of what his father had said about Julia not deserving parents. "And some nasty things about you too…because you were their daughter."
Julia looked at him, her brow furrowed and her forehead wrinkled in confusion but she remained quiet. "He told me, that if I didn't stop dating you, he would find you and who knows what he would have done with you. I wanted my dad to be sure that we had really broken up and that you weren't in on it too. So I kind of staged that whole thing you saw. I made sure that my brother was there because I knew he would tell my dad that we weren't together anymore."
"Wait." Julia said quietly. She looked down at her lap and than up at him. "So you're saying that you had to break up with me because your father wanted you to?"
"I'm so sorry Julia!" Sirius said, grasping her hand even tighter in his own. "I really didn't mean to hurt you. I honestly was just afraid of what my father would do. You-well, he…" Sirius paused. Julia, not knowing what to say, remained quiet long enough for Sirius to put his words together into an understandable sentence. "He just…I just knew what he's capable of doing and I didn't want him to hurt you."
Julia shook her head. "But I thought-." She stuttered, having no idea what to believe. "But-." Her eyes widened they met Sirius', a thought crossing her mind. "Is that why Lily wasn't mad at you anymore; because she found out what you really did?"
Sirius nodded. "Uh yeah." He said, now lost in Julia eyes.
"So you never cheated on me?" Julia asked for confirmation.
Sirius shook his head. "Well, I suppose technically I did. But it wasn't because I didn't love you. I really was trying to protect you and I'm really sorry that I hurt you. I was just confused and scared and I didn't know what else to do." He tried to look away from her eyes, but he couldn't. "I just did the first thing that came to my head."
Before Julia could stop herself, she felt herself lean into Sirius, their lips locking for one momentous second. Sirius slightly surprised, though mostly grateful, lifted his free hand and placed it gently on the side of her face.
Unfortunately, the kiss didn't last much longer than a few seconds. "Oh my God. " She spoke, as she pulled away from the kiss. "I'm such an arse." Julia completely turned away from Sirius and stared at the ground. "A complete arse…"
"An arse?" Sirius asked, upset that that kiss had to end so abruptly. "No you're not. Why would you say that?" Sirius shook his head before scooting closer to her. "Actually, you don't even have to answer that. We can just get back to that kiss… " He said, putting his hand under her chin, trying to get her to look at him again.
"Oh wow…" Julia thought out loud. "Wow." Julia said, standing up, completely oblivious to anything Sirius had just said. "I'm such a moron…I'm so bloody stupid….I'm a bloody stupid moron…" She spoke as she began to pace in front of the fireplace. "How could I have ever thought…After all you had done for me…After everything…How could I have really thought you cheated on me?" She looked at Sirius as if she expected an answer. "You cheat on me?" She let out a small chuckle. "What was I thinking? You were pathetically in love with me!"
"Hey, hey." Sirius said defensively. He stood up and walked over to Julia. "I was in love with you…I wasn't pathetic about it though."
Julia softly laughed, not in a mean way but more in an amused way. "Yeah you were." She replied.
A small grin curled across Sirius's face. "Ah shut up you." He said, pulling her closer to him. "You have no idea what you're talking about. It was so long ago that you must have forgotten it was you who was the pathetic one."
"Oh my God." Julia said, pulling away from him again. "You're right it was a long time ago." She began her pacing again. "I can't believe I thought you had cheated on me for so long."
Sirius gave a light chuckle as he, again, walked over to Julia. "I wanted you to believe. You can't blame that on yourself…"
Julia looked at him and nodded her head. "Yeah…yeah…I guess you're right." She said, trying to convince herself even though a huge part of her felt completely guilty.
Sirius simply nodded at her as she looked up at him. He remained quiet, waiting for her to say something else. "So, uh." Julia said, trying to break the awkward silence that she knew Sirius was intentionally creating. "Do you forgive me?" Instead of tilting her head up to look at him, she only raised her eyes. Sirius looked down at her, a small smile crossing over his face again.
"You have nothing to be sorry for." He sincerely said.
"Yeah but I didn't trust you." She replied. "That's something I should be sorry for."
Sirius chuckled. "Well then, if it makes you feel better you are forgiven."
"Okay…okay good." Julia nodded. She glanced down at the ground for a split second before finding Sirius's face again and asking, "Does this mean we can be together again?"
Sirius couldn't help it, he let a full blown laugh out before wrapping his arm around Julia's waist and pulling her into a tight grasp, his lips quickly finding hers. Sirius fell into her kiss, forgetting about everything that had happened between them. It was like they were starting over again, sitting on the Gryffindor Common Room couch, kissing for the first time. At least, it had felt like that for a little while…
"Wait!" Julia said for the second time pulling away from him, a frightening thought entering her mind.
"No, no-." Sirius said, trying to chase her lips but to no avail, seeing as Julia had turned her head away from him. "I was enjoying that."
Ignoring him, she asked, "Please tell me your father has nothing to do with the death eaters that came after Lily and us." Julia looked at him hopefully. Please say no…She thought desperately to herself. She didn't want to have caused all that trouble. Surely, those death eaters that came to the school wouldn't go through all that trouble over something as petty as warning Sirius who to date.
Sirius smiled sheepishly, "Of course not…" He clearly lied. "Now can be please get back to-." He said, leaning towards her again, only to be rejected as she started pacing. "Oh would you stop with the bloody pacing!" He half joked.
"Sirius! Why didn't you tell me this part?" Julia said her hand going up to her forehead. "What did they want? And why did they take Lily too?" She shook her head, her mind frantically spinning. "Did your father still think we were dating?"
"I tell you what." Sirius said, walking over to the spot she had stopped her rather annoying pacing. "You keep your pie hole shut so we can make out. Then, I'll tell you everything." Sirius paused, thought for moment before saying, "Actually, on second thought, you can keep your mouth open. You just can't talk."
A sly grin crossed over his face as Julia gave him that 'I can't believe you just said that' look. He hadn't seen that look in so long… "Please? And then after you and I can go find Lily and we can talk about what happened with the Death Eaters. But I'm begging you." He said, smirking as he thought about what he was going to say. "I have been fantasizing making out with you for weeks now! Please!" He begged. "I need this!" He said, winking at her.
Julia let a smile cross over her face. "Oh?" She began, taking a step away from him. "And I thought you said you weren't pathetically in love with me?"
"Oh would you shut up." Sirius said, knowing she was right as he pulled her closer, planting his lips over hers.
A/N Ahhh, don't be mad at me!! I'm sorry I haven't updated but I didn't know how hard senior year really was going to be!!!!
But thank you to everyone who reviewed and I am really sorry I couldn't get this out sooner!! I really am. And I PROMISE I will never abandon this story! I might not write for awhile but I promise I will eventually finish it!
I hoped you enjoyed this chapter. Please review and let me know what you thought!
Kait
PS!!!!
My sister, cousin and I made some videos on Youtube about Albus Severus Potter and how we thought he might turn out. If any of you want to watch them and see us make fools out of our self if you go to youtube and search DirtyScone, you'll find out profile. See if you can guess which one is me!! Haha
