A/N: This chapter's a little shorter than I thought it would be, but I hope you like it anyway! Enjoy! :3
Chapter 4: Chapter 3 –Being a Kiss-Ass
The world inside Hell's Hospital only made faint noises outside Eric Cartman's room. It had been three day since he had been home. And for those three days, Eric had no choice but to eat the food the hospital assigned to him. Cartman lay in his bed with heavy bags under his eyes, drained of nearly all his energy. He alternated between staring at his room's doorknob to the plate of food on his tray. His lunch had been a plate of boiled vegetables and skinless chicken, and he had been poking it with his plastic spork for almost five hours.
"I can't believe they call this crap a meal," Cartman said wearily. "I haven't had any real food in days." Cartman dropped his spork in the Styrofoam plate and pushed the tray away with a wimpy moan. He fell backwards, exhausted, closed his eyes and banged the back of head on the wall behind him.
At that moment a nurse came in with a new tray of food.
"Eric Cartman?" she asked. "Dinner time."
Cartman groaned loudly. "I'm not hungry," he said not even looking at the nurse.
"But it's vegetable soup," said the nurse. "It's pretty light, healthy, and has no noodles to upset your stomach."
Cartman balled his hands into fists and closed his eyes tighter. "I said 'I'm not hungry!' "
The nurse walked to his bedside table and placed the new tray next to him. "I'll leave it here for you for later."
"Goddamn it!" Cartman muttered softly in frustration, his fists still balled and now shaking angrily. "What asshole would eat soup with no noodles?"
Suddenly, the nurse reappeared. "Eric Cartman?"
"What?" he groaned exasperatedly.
"You have a little visitor."
Behind the nurse, Cartman saw his visitor: A blond haired little girl about his age, whose backpack looked exceptionally full. She struggled noticeably with the backpack, but managed to summon the energy to say, "Hi, Eric," and wave feebly.
"Cierra!" Cartman shouted overjoyed to see his cousin. "Come in! Come in!" he waved her toward him and leapt from his bed excitedly.
Cierra came in with a shy smile on her face.
"Gosh, I missed you, cuz!" Cartman shouted again. He threw his arms around Cierra and embraced her tightly. Cierra tried to return it, but still struggled with her backpack
"Aw, isn't that cute?" The nurse cooed, smiling at the sight and oblivious to Cierra pain.
Soon, the nurse was gone and as soon as she was out of earshot, Cartman let go of Cierra.
"It's about time you got here!" Cartman yelled urgently. "You won't believe the crap these people are giving me, Cierra! Look, look, look!" He walked over to his lunch tray. "Can you believe this?" He jammed his spork into a piece of broccoli. "Boiled. Broccoli." Cierra cringed. "They actually expect me to eat this crap!" Cartman threw the broccoli back onto the plate. "I thought they were supposed to help me get rid of my food poisoning not make it worse!"
"Boiled broccoli is pretty gross," Cierra said softly.
"'Gross'?! It's fucking disgusting!" Cartman shrieked. "But it's either their overcooked crap… or nothing at all." Cartman added dramatically.
"I'm sorry, Eric," Cierra said sorrowfully.
"You don't have to be, Cierra," said Cartman. He folded his arms and added, "as long as you brought what I sent you for."
Cierra wobbled as she put her backpack down gently and slowly pulled out a bucket with a familiar red-and-white striped pattern.
"Alright!" Cartman cheered. "Colonel!"
Cierra pulled out several red-and-white boxes as well, each one having the familiar KFC logo and each one making Cartman more and more ecstatic. As Cierra set the final box down, Cartman tackled the bucket of fried chicken first.
"You got extra crispy right?!" Cartman asked, enthralled with his dinner.
"Mm-hmm," Cierra nodded to her cousin.
Cartman didn't need another word. He began eating the chicken ravenously, not even bothering with the dipping sauce.
"Oh my God, Cierra," he said breathily between chews. "You are the best cousin ever." He finished one leg down the bone in seconds and began greedily chomping the next like a starved dog.
"Are you sure eating all of that won't make you sick again?" asked Cierra sheepishly.
"Ugh," Cartman groaned. "It's simple logic Cierra. Thinking about eating the hospital's food made me nauseous. I've never gotten sick after eating Colonel, so obviously Colonel is better for me to eat to get better."
"I-I don't know…" Cierra looked to the ground.
"There's something missing from this exquisite dinner though," said Cartman. "Hmm," he said in mock thought. "What could it be? Hmm…I know!" He turned to her. "Your progress report!"
"Oh, right!" Cierra went digging through her backpack and pulled out her red chapter book. Its title was in blazing gold letters on the cover
"'How to be an Asshole 101'," said Cierra, reading its title out loud. She opened the book and turned quickly to chapter one.
"Being the Devil's Advocate?" Cartman asked remembering the first chapter's title.
"I…" Cierra looked to her notes, "…challenged Wendy Testaburger's feminism speech."
"Good, good," Cartman nodded. "How—" Cartman was holding back a chuckle. "How did she react?"
"'Anger…'" said Cierra, "'…and stunned silence'."
Cierra saw Cartman's appreciative smile and smiled back.
"Chapter Two?" Cartman asked, craving more stories of other's misery.
"'Insults?'" Cierra flipped to her notes again. "I called Wendy… 'a girl who's not a skank, but one not pretty enough to even be a skank'."
Cartman's face fell slightly. "So…you called her ugly?"
"Well, basically," said Cierra. Sensing Cartman's lack of enthusiasm, she hurriedly added, "I also said 'Stan must've been pretty desperate to settle for you'."
"Okay…" said Cartman hesitantly. "That's a little better."
"I also called Bebe… 'A bitch who's nappy hair couldn't be fixed by even the best stylists'. And that got her and all the girls really, really pissed off."
"A little long-winded, Cierra," said Cartman. "But getting every girl in 4th grade pissed off at you is a start."
"Eric…" Cierra began, "are you sure this will get everyone to like me?"
Cartman looked intensely at Cierra.
"I-I-I mean," she stammered, "I-I just don't know if being an asshole is the way to go."
"Cierra…" said Cartman. "We've been through this." He approached his cousin. "Being my cousin means that everyone hates you. Everyone at school is already super jealous of you." He put his hand on her shoulder. "You have to be an asshole to them to teach them what happens when they try to knock somebody down who's better than they are, remember?"
"Yeah…" said Cierra. She turned away, still feeling uncertain.
"Cierra, they were all gonna be assholes to you anyway," added Cartman. "They act that way to me all the time 'cause they know I'm super cool and they see it as a threat." He turned Cierra back to him. "Just being my cousin makes them hate you because they think you're as awesome as me."
"No one's as awesome as you, Eric," said Cierra softly.
"I know," said Cartman, "But they still pick on you unfairly. It's wrong." He saw Cierra looking down at her feet again, wringing her hands. He tilted her head up. "Trust me, cuz. You're better off without those assholes. You've got me remember?" He pointed to himself. "You don't need anybody else, yeh?"
"Yeah," said Cierra with a small smile. "You've always been there for me, Eric."
"That's right," said Cartman tenderly. "So just stick with me and we'll give those buttholes what for!"
"Oh!" Cierra gasped. "That reminds me." Cierra flipped to the back of her book and showed him a picture from earlier that day. "I called it an 'ass centipede'."
Cartman took one look at the picture and burst out in cackling laughter. To him, this was sweeter than all the KFC in the world.
"Hahahahahahahaha! Oh, Jesus!" he gasped. "This is so awesome! Hahahahaha!"
Cierra tried to laugh too, but didn't feel the need to. So she just smiled at her cousin's laughter, happy to see him happy.
"Hahahahaha…" Cartman's laughter echoed off of his room's walls. "Oh, God…and—and—," he gasped, "—And they were seriously pissed off, right?" Cierra nodded and Cartman resumed his hearty laughter. It was like that for a good hour until Cartman felt his laughter trail off as he gasped for air.
"Cierra…" he put his arm around her again. "There's hope for you yet."
Cierra struggled to keep her smile and Cartman was too overjoyed to notice it had turned into a grimace and then completely faded away.
A/N: Short chapter, I know but it's on time! And Cartman's not dead, yay! ….Come on, you all know he makes the show! Read and review! Please? :3
