A.N. : Hey guys, so in case anyone was still wondering, yeah, Casey is bulimic. I, myself, have eating disorders too so here's some personal stuff I'm dealing with and can totally relate to, so I definitely know what I'm describing.
P.s. = Here in Italy Saturdays are normal school days but I think I recall people saying you don't go to school on Saturdays in America, I hope that's right :D
The next day is Saturday and Derek sits at the counter unable to finish his milk and cheerios. Nora looks pretty much concerned at how his stepson has got up so early and eyes him suspiciously from across the kitchen, still trying somehow to manage to keep Edwin from eating everything up all by himself.
"Nora, face it: if Casey wanted her pancakes she would've just got downstairs already, wouldn't she?"
"Edwin! You already ate your breakfast and half of Marti's, enough for this morning already! And… Derek?"
Derek looks up, his shaggy morning hair casting a shadow over his eyes. "What is it?"
"What did you do to Casey this time? She came home crying from that party last night, thought I had heard her say your name through the tears."
George puts down the newspaper he was reading and intently stares at his son. "Oh c'mon, Derek! What the hell is wrong with you? That girl couldn't be any more sweet and perfect, just why on earth do you have to constantly treat her so bad! I'm so tired and sick of this, you're not a kid anymore, Der, you… "
"Alright, alright, look, I'll go get her. Just get off my case"
As he climbs the stairs, he recalls the events of the previous night. How he scooped her up in his arms from the kitchen floor and carried her upstairs to her room, laid her on the bed and waited with a hand on her forehead until she fell asleep. How he got back downstairs to clean up all the mess - food, packages, bags, vomit – to the point that there was no more trace of it and he was emotionally drained, as he was finally able to go back to his room and collapse onto the bed only a few minutes before dawn.
He wonders how many times she could possibly have already done it, seeing as nobody woke up or had the slightest clue to what occurred only a few hours prior. Something in the back of his head keeps suggesting it was not a one-time break down and the thought of all of that happening on a regular basis at makes him even more sick to his stomach.
As he reaches out for her doorknob, for a split second he actually contemplates the idea of leaving her alone for once and making up an excuse for her absence at breakfast with their parents. But instead he does allow himself into her room, only to find her lying wide awake, yet motionless, on the bed, staring blankly at the ceiling. Closing the door behind him, Derek knows she's noticed his presence, and cautiously walks over to sit next to her on the ruffled sheets.
"Please, Derek, please, don't say anything. Not to my face, at least."
Her voice comes out as merely a whisper. He shakes his head. "Who says I was going to?"
Casey rolls over to lie on her left side, her back now facing him.
"Alright. I was. It's just that Dad and Nora are getting suspicious about how you haven't showed up for breakfast yet and Edwin is threatening to eat all your pancakes…"
"Enough!" she suddenly yells, sitting up to throw her pillow against her wardrobe. "Just fucking stop… Shit…" she cries out, holding her wrists up to her temples, as if her head was pounding.
"Casey! Hey, c'mon, I'm sorry, it's ok, look at me, please…" He firmly takes a hold of her shoulder with one hand, letting the other cup her cheek, thumb wiping away a few tears. "Look at me, Case, please…"
She raises her gaze up to meet his through her blurry vision. "That's all that's on my head, Derek. Food! Food, food, food! It's anywhere! Anywhere I go… Food! Food, that's the thing, Food! Food is eating me up from the inside, can you believe it? Foo…"
"Hey, hey, please. C'mon, little girl, c'mon, it's alright. Just calm down." He cuts her off with a strong hug.
He's even more surprise to feel her tightening the hug, burying her face in the crook of his neck. He starts to gently stroke her hair as she finally grows quiet.
"Derek…" they break apart from the hug as she sits up again, cross-legged, right in front of him. "Der, trust me... it's got to the point where it's unbearable…"
"How long has this been going on?"
Casey sighs heavily, looking down at her hands, in shame. "I don't really know when it all started, actually. All I know is, I've been perfect my whole life, Der. Really, really perfect. I'm a good person, trust me. I am… I gotta be…"
"Hey, you are. Don't ever think otherwise…" he gently places his forehead upon hers, exhaling deeply.
"When I was a kid, I remember that my Mom used to keep track of how quickly me and Lizzie were growing up. You know, every Thursday morning ever since I could remember, she would take measurements of mine and lizzie's body… like, how tall we were, how much we weighed… One day, I think I was about ten and Lizzie was seven, Mom made a comment about how Lizzie was getting chubbier while I was such a cute, perfect little girl for never putting on any extra weight. I know it wasn't supposed to come out as mean or anything, but that comment really changed my life forever. From that day on, I just knew that no matter what, I had to be perfect. Mom and Dad had been fighting a lot back then, and Mom would always look so sad… seeing her proudly smiling at me that day, implying how perfect I was… Perfect, Derek. Perfect. Do you understand what that means? "
He stared thoughtfully at her for what seemed to be a small eternity passing by without anyone to take notice. He took his time to finally really have a look at her: she had always been thin, but her pale skin and bluish nails were clear signs she was the furthest from being healthy, as the dark circles beneath her eyes were still slightly visible beneath her make up.
The itsy bitsy spider went up the water spout …
"So I turned eleven and started restricting. Food just… didn't appeal to me anymore. It was just a bunch of chemical elements mixed up altogether to create the best illusion ever known to mankind. My Mom was complimenting me for looking so beautiful in my ballet dresses, I was a genius at school and… I almost touched it back then. I was almost, almost perfect… it hurt…"
Down came the rain and washed the spider out
"Then Dad started to notice something was going on… He and Mom started to fight even more because she just wouldn't admit I had a problem. So Dad started to basically force me to eat, it was so horrible… months of hard dedication and commitment long lost… I really don't know how it started, but I guess I was basically thinking: 'So, he wants me to eat, uh? I'll show him how bad eating can end up to be like' and so I started to binge. I would eat everything, even things I didn't like. It soon became an addiction. I would just eat so much, to the point where my stomach was hurting for being so stretched out… Then I would just wait for the pain and nausea to subside, to start eating again… by that time I had just turned 13."
Out came the sun and dried up all the rain
"So obviously I had started to put on weight. A lot of weight, in a very short time. I was getting so fat, Derek. So fat and depressed for letting my Dad ruin all my achievements. One morning I was trying to fit in my pants, when my Mom entered my room and started crying in front of me. Saying how I used to be so perfect and now I was letting everything go down the drain. That was it. It hit me, Derek. But I couldn't keep myself from eating, it had become so addictive by then… So I knew that the only way I could live with myself putting that much disgusting stuff inside my body was if I'd take it all out afterwards."
And the itsy bitsy spider climbed up the spout again!
"I couldn't keep my parents from splitting up, I couldn't make myself perfect, I could only try to hide that shit I kept doing. Last night was no difference. I'm so sorry you got to see it. I've been so good at hiding everything so far… I'm so sorry Derek… please, please… don't tell…"
Derek gently placed his fingers on her mouth, not letting her finish the sentence. He grazed the outline of her lower lip with his thumb, now noticing how the sides of her mouth were full of small, almost imperceptible lacerations.
Twinkle, twinkle, little star…
How I wonder what you are.
"I'm just shit, Case. I'm serious shit. I'm so sick. So sick of all the pain around me."
Up above the world so high
Like a diamond in the sky.
"I'm so sick of my life, Case. Last night was just proof of what a fucking asshole I am. You know, I wanted to come with you after you left the party. I really did. I hate no less than you do all that stuff. The drinking, the cheap sex, the pretending… All I do is playing, playing charades, you know. You said food eats you up, right? It's a fucking paradox, but believe it or not I know what you mean. I feel as if sex raped me every time, too."
When the blazing sun is gone,
When he nothing shines upon,
Then you show your little light,
Twinkle, twinkle, all the night.
"Der… I know you're a good person."
"I wish I could've been a good person to you. There have been plenty of nights where I'd just come home so late... I wish I had noticed before. I wish I had hugged you before."
Then the traveller in the dark,
Thanks you for your tiny spark,
He could not see which way to go,
If you did not twinkle so.
"Sometimes I take pity on you, Derek. If I could still feel something, like, any sort of feelings… I'd hate the way you made yourself come to terms with the kind of life you're leading. How you're ok with it. With being mean, and rude, and just… not human. Sometimes I wish I could hate you, Derek. But then I tell myself that that Derek doesn't really exist. He's just a way you came up with to cope with the fact that you're not perfect either. That's the point, Der. None of us is perfect. Maybe we're all just bad people. And we all just like to hurt, and hurt others too. 'Cause I don't know about you, but no matter how hard I hit the bottom every time, I still can't picture my life without my night rituals. I have sex with food. It's my personal orgy. It's perverted, but I love all of it. I love it so much it aches. My stomach, my head… my whole body aches. So I get to feel it."
In the dark blue sky you keep,
And often through my curtains peep,
For you never shut your eye,
'Till the sun is in the sky.
Casey sits there, motionlessly looking at him as she grows quiet. Derek stares back at her, carefully listening to her breathing. But then all of a sudden his vision gets blurry and maybe he's really crying. All he knows is she doesn't say a thing. He's so glad she just keeps breathing.
