House decided to take matters into his own hands.
A man's last day of freedom deserved a proper send-off.
Even if it was Chase's.
"So you're doing this because you're actually trying to be nice?" Amber suggested, raising an eyebrow. "Doesn't sound like us."
"No. I'm doing this because he has a nice tushy."
"You hate parties."
"Only when there's spinning the bottle involved."
"How about Chippendales jumping out of a cake? He'd like that."
"I was thinking something more stylish. Like cork hats for the guests. A Didgeridooband playing Waltzing Mathilda. Dancing kangaroos."
"Don't forget the Piñata", she said sourly. "He's such a boy."
House didn't pay attention to her, for once being more absorbed in the task of action than being forced to listen. "Wilson had a bunch of strippers on his bachelor party."
"Yeah, and it was a good thing his wife never found out."
Strictly speaking, she was right. Nobody knew what was going on behind closed doors, but Wilson had spent a conspicuously large amount of time with one of the long-legged beauties.
"You think Chase is going to cheat on her?" Amber looked delighted. "Nice. That might break them up."
"That's what you said."
"He can't be that perfect", Amber argued. "He's not what she wants. You, on the other hand…"
"I don't want Chase." God, she was more than irritating in her constant insinuations. Did he have to convince his subconscious mind that he wasn't interested in men? What arguments would she need to hear to stop nagging? He wasn't, and would never be, sexually attracted to Chase.
Amber shrugged. "I'm not saying you're actually gay. Just open-minded."
"Shut up. I've got work to do."
House went to plot the whole shenanigans like a war lord designing strategies for an upcoming battle. He was determined to make this a very special evening; not for Chase, of course not, but for his own sake. Activity kept him distracted; moreover, he felt like being almost sane again. Besides, he knew how to arrange a bachelor's party, any archaic rituals of manhood included. God knew when Chase would ever get the chance.
"It's gonna knock him over," Amber predicted.
"Why, because he has no experience with strippers? What makes you think he hasn't?"
"He's not one to raise a roof."
"You barely know him."
"Cameron won't approve."
"That's why uptight chicks are not allowed."
"It'll tick her off. She's expecting Wilson to arrange a harmless, cozy get-together."
House wondered why Cameron had turned to him in the first place. Wilson wasn't exactly the type prone to debauchery, but he certainly wasn't overly concerned with moral issues, either. Responsible, maybe. Adaptable. Ready to submit to Cameron's idea of a suitable, decent celebration; ready to give her what she trusted him to be.
"Call me a romantic, but everybody deserves one last night of proper freedom."
"He's not free", she said pointedly as she stepped out of the lift with him. "Where are we going?"
"Down the morgue. I need some practice."
oOo
As expected, Chase was thrilled, but incapable to inform Cameron about the upcoming spectacle.
The mere idea of Cameron throwing up her hands in horror and cursing him under her breath should she find out amused House to no ends.
"She's got him under her thumb already," Amber remarked disparagingly, watching Chase leave the office with a sundae in his hands. "Why is he so terrified to tell her?"
"My parties are known for wild sex orgies and reckless booze. Enough reason for Cameron to spoil all the fun should she get wind of it."
"Sheez." Amber shook her head. "He can't do anything right, can he?"
House pondered her statement for a moment. "She was impressed when he told me to vent at his answering machine."
She snorted. 'Right, because he needed to prove that you have no longer control over him. Instead, it's her who's dictating the rules. Why does he keep up with it?"
"Because he loves her?" House suggested, not quite happy with the argument.
"I always actually thought it was a two-sided thing. Getting married. I may be wrong of course."
Love, he thought, makes perfect fools.
Chase in particular.
"They're doomed to failure ", Amber said. "Tell him. He may not like to hear it, but he's not stupid. He respects your judgment. Might as well spare him a divorce. He won't hate you for having a serious talk, but he might hate you if he finds out that he's second best."
"Chase is incapable of hating me. He's far too pragmatic."
"Silent waters run deep."
"Not Chase."
She wouldn't let it drop. Damn her persistence. "So what's it gonna be? Can you live with the fact that you've lost all your influence on him? He's deceiving her already by letting you arrange the party. He wants this. He finds it exciting enough to engage actively in your scheming. You have a better grasp of him than his wife ever will. They're doomed, and it will it break our cold, cold heart."
He didn't say anything. Wished she would keep her mouth shut.
It was none of his business what was going on between Chase and Cameron.
Not since they've stopped working for him, anyway.
But then Cameron had the nerve to show up in his office and asking him for advice, and it didn't include tears, regrets, and an encouraging paternal hug. Instead, she made very clear that she was openly questioning her relationship to Chase, wanting it to end without feeling guilty about it. Because he, House, was the master of messing up relationships.
It was possible that she had a hidden agenda after all.
For reasons that he'd rather not wanted to explore.
"She won't let go of you", Amber summed up his thoughts, her voice cold and without sympathy, "just like you can't let go of Chase. He's so grateful for any bit of attention you're giving him. He's content with your little finger where she would grab your whole arm. Metaphorically speaking."
"I don't want Cameron."
Amber scoffed. "You don't want her to have him, either. She'll ruin him."
"Cameron would have probably expressed it the other way 'round. What's your point?"
"Why should they marry?"
"Maybe it makes them happy." Playing the devil's advocate was not exactly his forte when he usually preferred the devil's side.
"The thought of being married makes him happy. Give it a few months time and his romantic illusions will shatter. Why wait so long? Why not confront the two with reality? Brutal truths, that's what you're best at."
"Everyone is entitled to learn from their own mistakes." Damn, she made him argue with proverbs already.
Amber leaned in closer, and he felt the touch of her hair on his face. "You don't mean that. Admit you're proud of him. Admit that you can still use him. Do you really want him to turn his back on you in the future because his wife told him so?"
"This is absurd."
She shrugged, then sat down at the examination table and primly folded her hands in her lap. "Don't tell me I haven't warned you."
He reached for the gin bottle and the Bunsen burner. "Cutthroat bitch", he growled, fervently wanting to aim the buzzing flame at her and have her crumble to flakes of ashes.
oOo
"Why am I in your dreams?" Chase asked. "Why not Cameron?"
"Cameron would do me a favor and wear a leather bikini. You look boring in scrubs. I liked your awful ties better. Did Cameron donate your wardrobe to the salvation's army?"
"Where's Amber?"
"Out to fetch some Thai food. Hot and spicy, just as you like it."
Chase settled down on the bedside chair, hands firmly tucked into his pockets.
House knew it was a hallucination by the simple fact that Chase looked pretty much the same as he had done at his job interview.
Neatly combed, clean shaved.
He looked achingly young.
"Are you still disappointed at me?" he asked straight-forward. Yes, it definitely was a hallucination.
"Why would I be disappointed? I fired you when you started to grow up. Whatever you're planning to you do with your messed-up life, it's none of my business. Leave me out of this."
Chase cocked an eyebrow. "Messed up?"
"You've had bad preconditions."
"It shouldn't stop me from trying to be happy."
House snorted. "Cameron is right. You are naive."
"It's really getting to you. This is new."
It's not, House wanted to say, but refrained from saying it out loud. Then again, who was he trying to fool here? "Truth to be told, I'm a bit pissed at you for not asking me to be your Best Man at the wedding. My guess is you've talked Cameron out of it."
Chase averted his eyes, almost looking guilty. "Am I making a mistake?"
"You do what I expect you to do."
"Have you ever been in love?"
Bold.
Undaunted.
Challenging, almost.
"Sure have. What about you?"
He morphed back into the Chase he knew. "This won't lead to anything. I should be going."
"If you are satisfied with one cleared-out drawer, that's not my problem."
"Why make it mine then?"
He didn't know the answer. Chase sat there and stared at him blankly, unaffected by what was going on around him.
Strange how fatalistic he could be when it came to himself.
So annoyingly blind when he pursued his own interests.
So damn fool-hearted when there was sentiment involved.
"Cameron doesn't love you."
"She's going to marry me."
True, he thought, but it's not the same.
Chase narrowed his eyes and leaned back a little further. "You're not jealous, right?"
He laughed without humor. "Do you really think I would have to fight for Cameron's favor? I'm one step ahead of you, because I am the more damaged of both of us. You should tell her about your tragic, loveless childhood. Might get you some bonus points in her book."
Chase shook his head in disbelief, visibly stunned. "This is insane. You're sick, House. Get some help."
"If you ever fail to be what she expects you to be, she'll drop you without so much as a blink of her pretty blue eyes."
Chase hesitated. Furrowed his brow. House could practically hear the small machine in his brain set into motion.
Finally, he said: "It's not true."
"Then you're living under a delusion. Come on, Chase. You have brains, and you're unscrupulous if need be. I wouldn't have fired you if you hadn't learned at least that. Get ready for six weeks of sex withdrawal should you ever dare to act immoral again."
"I won't listen to that crap any longer." He stood up and headed for the door.
"I can give you a few phone numbers. Just in case", House shouted after him.
Without turning back, the hallucination of Chase slipped out of the room.
When House opened his eyes again, he found Amber sitting in the same chair that Chase had just left, struggling with chopsticks and a box of fried noodle on her knees. "Did you two have a nice chat?"
"Men's talk", he replied curtly, as ready to listen to her as Chase did to him.
"He's hardly a man, right? More like one of Peter Pan's lost boys. Looking out for a Mommy substitute, perhaps. That would make Cameron Wendy, right?"
House closed his eyes, knowing that it wouldn't help.
"It keeps bugging you," she said with a mocking smile. "Still intrigued to see the big picture, are we? I like it when we are curious. It's what we're best at, right?"
He pulled the blanket over his head.
To hell with the wedding.
To hell with his dreams.
And, above all, to hell with Amber.
"It won't do any good", he heard her inexorable voice. "You hire the strippers already? Could be a lot of fun. Just think of what might happen if she finds out. She would be so morally outraged. Listen to me. If we find one that looks like Mommy, he may crack. Sob on her breasts and maybe even a bit more. How do you think Cameron would like that?"
"She would cancel the wedding immediately."
"It's a nice thought, isn't it," she asked, innocently.
"I do not want Cameron," he growled.
"Of course not. You could have had her anytime. The poor girl practically offered herself on a silver tablet. Where's the challenge?"
Did she just imply he wanted to have Chase? That was bizarre.
"Even if you should get suspicious about me and Wilson, I'm not gay."
Still bizarre. He didn't speak with Amber, the fiancée of his best friend, but with Amber, his personalized subconscious.
"You are also not particularly good at abandoning old habits."
Did she just compare Chase to an old habit?
He pushed back the blanket and turned around and watched her pulling another styrofoam box from the brown paper bag. The smell of fried rice and glutamate invaded his nostrils, causing his stomach to churn.
"It has nothing to do with Chase or Cameron."
"Then why don't you leave things well alone? Let's both get married, lean back, and enjoy the show. You've found a reasonable replacement for him. Someone who can keep up with you and makes you laugh. Oh, wait, Kutner's dead." She shrugged. "It doesn't matter. There's one born every minute. You can hire a new idiot anytime."
If he didn't get rid off her, he'd go crazy.
Maybe he was already.
For the first time, fear hit him.
Fear of insanity. Fear of losing his mind.
Suddenly, he was afraid to do something he would regret later.
"Set up the party" Amber whispered close to his ear, and he felt her breath on his face, lacking any human warmth. "Everything else you leave up to me."
It sounded like a threat.
