As he, Rick, Michonne and Glenn escorted the remaining Woodbury residents through the prison gates and into their home, Daryl's eyes searched the group for the one person he needed more than anyone else. Carol was in the yard, her eyes tracking the return of those she considered family and others who she would welcome with open arms. He saw again the flash of pain that crossed her eyes as she realised that Andrea wasn't with them, her eyes flickering to his own as she registered what the blonde woman's absence represented. He couldn't offer her what she needed, couldn't look at her when he was so close to the edge. So much death. So much loss.
She found him in their cell, yes their cell, stepping inside with none of the awkward shyness that had defined her for so long. Since the night that they had buried Merle, something had changed between them, something that he was glad of even if he couldn't explain it. Without conversation or conscious thought they had just found themselves sharing a cell, both of them finding a much needed comfort in the proximity of having each other near. When his feelings were more tangled and distant than ever, Carol remained his only anchor to the real world. The sight of her mourning yet another friend made him crazy. "You okay?" he asked, turning away from their bunk to face her.
"Do you ever wonder what we did to deserve all of this?" she asked hollowly. "I've lost more people in the last year than I had in my entire life."
"Ain't nobody done anything bad enough to warrant what's happening out there," he replied softly. "World's gone to shit and best we can do is try to survive."
The words came out harder than he had intended, what little tact he posessed blunted by the events of recent days. It was a constant surprise to him that he had room left to feel anything, that the loss of his brother had left him with room to grieve for others. He had wanted on some level to believe that the loss of Merle would kill him but it hadn't, did he hurt? Yes, but life went on. His heart did not stop. The world didn't end.
"I don't want to survive Daryl," she told him. The words caused a spark of panic to flare in his chest and the emptiness in her eyes was the most terrifying thing he had ever seen. Even though he knew that she didn't mean the remark the way it sounded, it bothered him to hear her brought so low, as if Andrea's death is one more blow, one more light extinguished for her in a world where the darkness is already dominant. "I don't want to spend the rest of my days lurching from one crisis to the next, waiting to see who's going to die next. I want to live."
The moment the words were out of her mouth, he knew that he wanted the exact same thing. Fuck heartache and despair and the end of the world, he wanted to feel alive again. He wanted something positive, something to wake up and fight for. With three steps across their cell he had her in his arms, pulling her body close to his chest and holding her there. He heard her shocked inhalation and wondered how she would react. She was used to him getting close, they shared a bunk after all, but they both knew that he had never been this close before, not when they were both so emotionally raw. Just as he was beginning to think that he should let her go, step away and face up to the fact that whatever she wanted from him it was not the same as what he wanted from her, she relaxed, leaning into him and wrapping her arms around his waist. Forehead to forehead they stood together, breathing one another in.
"I can't lose you too Daryl," she told him, voice filled with emotion. When she pulled back far enough to look up into his face, he saw a constellation of tears on her lashes, proof positive that she was telling him the truth. She'd said something similar to him once before and he had thrown the sentiment at her, all temper and bad mood; this time he would handle it differently. "The thought of it just …" Words failing, she fell silent.
As she shuddered in his arms, he lifted a hand to wipe away her tears. "Ain't gonna lose me," he reassured her, tilting her chin up so that he could look her in the eye. Time to be brave. He had never been a talker but he had held onto his silence until it sliced him apart from the inside out. Thinking back to those days that he had spent without her and how it had felt to know that she was out there but that he wasn't with her, he tried to find words that could accurately sum up how he felt. It had taken him a long time to realise what she was and what she meant to him, the perfect woman that he had realised was perfect far too late. She was more than just someone he liked, his need for her way more than a biological function that he had denied himself for too long. She was everything. "Left you behind once and it nearly killed me," he murmured, "don't ever plan on leaving you again, unless you tell me to that is."
For a second, she said nothing, just stared at him in disbelief. Then her face lit up, surprise and joy suffusing her features like Christmas lights in the dark, and he couldn't help but smile back at her. Just as quickly the expression faltered and she shut away some of the elation that had chased away her tears."You really mean that?" she asked, quiet, unsure. He hated the note of insecurity that he heard in her voice, would rather have been beaten with a hammer than ever give the woman in front of him one moment of doubt or pain.
Taking the plunge and acting before he had a chance to change his mind, he leaned in and pressed his lips against her own. It wasn't a skilful manoeuvre, lacking the finesse that he would have liked to have brought to their first kiss, but it was heartfelt and he had to hope that would be enough. He felt rather than saw her surprise as he brushed his lips gently against her own, once, twice, coaxing her into opening for him. He forced himself to stay calm, determined that he wouldn't over think what he was doing. Without the involvement of his brain it was surprisingly easy, his body knew what it wanted and acted accordingly. He was rewarded when he felt her melt into him, her tongue brushing against his own as she gave him access to her mouth. In her kiss he found warmth, sweetness and velvet softness and he revelled in the closeness, his hands moving so that he pulled her close at the small of her back and caressed the nape of her neck with his free hand.
He wanted her, plain and simple, no other way to explain it. He wanted to fill her mouth with his breath, run his hands up and down the soft skin of her back, to learn her every dip and curve, to know her story and her scars like they were his own. In that moment, arms around her and lips against her own, he was hers and she was his, she was his future and he would follow her anywhere.
Pulling back a fraction he looked down into her face, taking in the slightly glazed look in her eyes. He had put that look on her face. His actions had taken her breath from her and stopped the spiralling panic that had been taking hold in both of them. Carol was small and vulnerable in his arms, and for reasons that didn't understand she seemed to need him as much as he needed her. The knowledge emboldened him, gave him the push he needed to say what was on his mind. "Don't you ever leave me woman," he told her, leaning his forehead against hers so that they stood nose to nose, lips a breath away from touching. "You want somethin' to live for, then give whatever this is between us a chance and I promise you won't ever regret it. What do you say?"
Somewhere out in the cell block he heard Beth call her name, the echoes telling them both that the girl was heading their way. He could feel her shuddering in his arms, tremors racing through her muscles like tiny earthquakes. She made no move to respond to the call, no indication that she was about to pull away. Looking him in the eye, weighing the weight of his words, she exhaled, breath skating across his lips like a sweet caress. "Yes," she replied, pressing her mouth to his, a soft touch of lips against his own, a promise exchanged without the need for elaboration.
After she had left, he found himself alone, a smile on his face. He had taken the first step, told her in a way how he felt and made her a promise that she would never regret giving him the chance to be a part of her life, now all he had to do was figure out where they went from there.
.
