A/N: I updated this a little later than I planned, sorry! I was tweaking a few things and I'm happier with the result. Thanks to those who reviewed and followed and favourited, and I hope you enjoy this next part! Please review :)

Disclaimer: I've included a lot of one scene's dialogue from the game is in this chapter. I don't own it!


Joel met Tess in Boston soon after he ditched the hunters. Well, she found him curled up under the stairs in an abandoned apartment complex weak and sick from hunger and he'd only barely managed to talk her out of immediately putting a bullet in his head by the skin of his teeth. He still doesn't really know why Tess even listened to him. Hell, if their positions were reversed, Joel wouldn't have even let Tess speak before he'd have shot her, but he thinks maybe she saw an opportunity in him – just like how he saw one in her.

He learned quickly that Tess wasn't someone you wanted to mess with. She was a well-known figure in all circles and had a reputation that still managed to impress him even after years of working with the most vicious hunters. And once he finally earned her trust, she let him in on her work.

She made a living through smuggling and trading for ration cards, guns, food or whatever she could get. Ration cards were the currency for those who didn't resort to killing innocent people for their belongings like the hunters did. Joel liked working for ration cards a whole lot better. It was as honest work as he'd ever get now, and though he still had to cheat and scam and sometimes kill to get the best deal possible, Joel considered it the first step to a better life.

And it was a better life. He and Tess became... something, something he hadn't had since his wife, and he was about as content and secure as he'd ever be in himself, in his failure and his crippling, all too human flaws. He thinks maybe Sarah would have been proud of him.

He spent the next six years with Tess, and they were pretty good ones. Their ration cards never dipped below a month's worth, and they had a place to call home even if it was a tiny, dirty apartment with a rotting door that didn't lock. But it was still home all the same.

There was always booze around, whether he was drinking from it or not. He didn't really drink that much anymore anyway because of the memories it brought just a little too close to the surface, but Tess always seemed to have an open bottle somewhere. Maybe she was running from something too. He never asked her about it though, not once in the time they spent together. He was okay with not knowing, and she was clearly okay with not telling him. He never pushed her.

Sometimes they worked jobs for the Fireflies. Joel didn't really like working for them a whole lot, cause the Fireflies reminded him of Tommy and he resented Tommy for ditching him, for abandoning him like he was nothing. But he also kinda missed him too, and he hoped to see Tommy whenever he and Tess did work for the rebel group. He sure as hell wasn't going to talk to him or apologize; he just wanted to know that he was doing okay.

He never did see Tommy, though. Joel tried not to feel too disappointed. And just after the twentieth anniversary of his daughter's death, nearly sixteen years since he last talked to his little brother, they decided on a whim to take yet another job from the Fireflies. What would be any different?

As it turned out, everything. That's how they met Ellie – a kid with horrifying language, a less than pleasant attitude and more strength of will and tenacity than Joel had ever seen in someone so young. Marlene wanted them to smuggle her across the city to the Capitol building where the Fireflies from another city were waiting for them, and then he and Tess would reclaim the guns Robert wrongfully sold to the Fireflies and be on their way. Simple, right?

Wrong. Looking back on it, Joel really should have known it wouldn't happen like that. Every plan has its flaws after all, just like the man that made them.

They almost blew the whole operation when the two military soldiers found them and scanned them for infection. When Ellie's came up positive, Tess nearly killed her before she convinced them she was immune. Joel still wouldn't have believed her if it wasn't for the scarred three-week-old bite on her arm. He'd seen firsthand how quickly the infection spread, so he knew Ellie was telling the truth even if he could still barley believe it.

After that, every close call or unexpected detour left Joel steadily losing hope that they'd ever finish the job. Tess was strangely adamant that they had to finish what they started though, so he went along with it for her sake.

But then Tess was pulling back her collar to show him the bite on her neck and telling him he had to keep going and get Ellie to Tommy so they could find the remaining Fireflies. She looked him in the eye and said he was obligated to do it for her because she cared, and if he cared about her then he'd do it for her. Then the soldiers showed up and she told them that she could buy them some time if they ran now, and as he ran, Joel distantly realized he'd failed again to save someone else that mattered to him. Those soldiers were going to kill her, and yet he was running the other way like the coward he was. He couldn't seem to learn from his mistakes, could he? But it was just another flaw, he supposed. And besides, what was one more flaw amongst all the rest?


After Tess died, Joel was ashamed to admit that he took out the majority of his frustration on Ellie. A large part of him blamed her for Tess' death, but an even larger part said things had been going too well for the last couple of years and it was only a matter of time before things went to shit. He should have known his luck was bound to run out sooner or later. It really wasn't the kid's fault – she just showed up at the wrong time.

At first Joel considered ditching Ellie, but leaving a little girl all alone when she had no one else to look after her, especially with Marlene being injured, would be a new low for him and that was saying something. So he kept her with him and only barely tolerated her presence. He only spoke to her when he needed to, and was quick to speak sharply if she did not follow his orders. He was trying to keep them safe after all, so who was she to disobey him when everything he did was for their best interest?

And to make it worse, she reminded him of Sarah. So strongly sometimes that it hurt, but other times a lot less and he could deal with it without arousing suspicion on Ellie's behalf. The last thing he needed was pity from a fourteen-year-old girl. She had no idea what loss was.

But a few times when Ellie thought he wasn't looking he'd catch her staring at nothing, or at least at something he couldn't see. She'd look so sad and hopeless that he thinks maybe he wasn't the only one who had lost someone they cared about. No kid her age should have that haunted look that he had seen on so many others much older. But he never asked her about it, because he knew from experience that you don't talk about your personal woes with people you just met. Chances are they don't care much anyways; they're probably just looking for weaknesses. And in that day and age, weakness was what got you killed.

It took a while, maybe a few months or so, but gradually Joel began to view Ellie as a person, rather than just a job or a shipment to deliver. He doesn't really know when it changed. It might've been when they found some fireflies on the way to Bill's, and the child-like joy on her face as she danced in their dull light had managed to put the tiniest of smiles on his face. It had felt weird to smile, almost unnatural when he hadn't had a real reason to for years.

It might've been when she'd fallen face first into some mud and she'd looked so shocked and disgusted that Joel actually had to hold back fits of laughter for the first time in way too long. And if he thought it felt strange to smile, he found he couldn't even remember what it felt like to laugh before that.

Or it might've been when he was drowning and Ellie hadn't hesitated to pick up his discarded gun and kill the hunter that was holding his head below water. She'd never killed anyone before, but she did it for him without a second thought. She looked just as shocked as he felt.

"Man... I shot the hell outta that guy, huh?"

She sacrificed her innocence – or at least, what was left of it – for him without hesitation. That amount of selflessness is something you do for someone you really care about, and he couldn't believe she had done that for him. When he realized that, he couldn't bring himself to thank her. Maybe because it meant he was getting close to someone again, and he couldn't because they all ended up dead and at this point he didn't know what he'd do if she died. And who was he without a purpose, without someone to look after? So he did what he did best and lashed out.

"I'm glad I didn't get my head blown off by a goddamn kid."

He felt wave after wave of self-loathing when he saw the hurt look on her face – she looked so much like Sarah when her nose scrunched up like that – but he couldn't let her know how much what she did meant to him. She couldn't know that he was an old fool and becoming attached to her. And in an admittedly pretty messed up way, he could act like an asshole and not be constantly worried about her leaving him behind because he knew she was just as scared of being alone as he was.

So they fell into a pattern. The silence between them would be comforting, almost relaxing. And then something would happen and they'd have a moment where they'd bond or think maybe life together wasn't quite so bad. But then Joel would get scared and push her away again. Then the silence between them would be awkward for a while, both afraid to say something that would set the other off, before it would gradually become less tense and more normal.

Repeat.

It got tiring, the constant back and forth of emotions, but it was a whole lot better than Joel having to admit he was afraid to get too close with the kid. And he certainly didn't want to become attached to her because of the wrong reasons, like that she reminded him of Sarah. Ellie wasn't his daughter, and he sure as hell wasn't her father. He had to learn to remember that for both their sakes, if not purely for his own.


They met Sam and Henry and struck up a tentative relationship. "Safety in numbers and all that," Ellie said, which Joel knew was not in fact the case, but he changed his mind when he saw the way Ellie and Sam acted together. It was great that they finally found someone her age, and she was happier than he had ever seen her – joking around, trying and failing rather humorously at whistling. It made him happy that she was happy. He knew it wouldn't last forever, but he still hoped it would.

It didn't.

Everything fell apart when Sam got infected. Henry made the decision to shoot his little brother to save Ellie, and then promptly shot himself out of horror for what he'd done. Not that Joel blamed him. He couldn't imagine what it would be like to kill Tommy, never mind Sam who was still just a kid.

Joel was sure the agonized look on Ellie's face matched his own perfectly. He knew exactly how Henry felt – trying so damn hard to keep someone you care about safe, and then feeling that horrible emptiness when you realize you weren't good enough. It was a rather vicious wake up call that what happened to Sam and Henry could still happen to him and Ellie. He knew for sure at this point if Ellie died he'd kill himself too in a heartbeat, because what else did he have to live for in this world anymore other than her?


After Sam and Henry died, Ellie stuck closer to Joel than ever and it made him feel like he had to act in superhuman ways for her. She expected him to keep them safe, and it was hard enough to keep himself safe in a world like this but she needed him and he would be damned before he failed another little girl who counted on him. He would do whatever it took not to fail this time and not end up like the two fallen brothers.

Taking care of Ellie brought up thoughts he'd suppressed long ago, thoughts about being a hero for someone. He'd actually been thinking about it a lot lately, because looking after Ellie reminded him of what it had been like to look after Sarah. He'd been his daughter's hero, but he lost that when he lost her. He hadn't lost Ellie though – not yet, he reminded himself, because he wasn't allowed to be happy, remember? – so maybe if he did everything right this time he'd be good enough to keep Ellie safe.

He wanted to be a hero for Ellie even though he was terrified of breaking her blind, child-like trust in him. Sarah had trusted him like that and he'd failed her. He couldn't do that to Ellie too even though he still wanted her to look at him with trust and love like the way his daughter had looked at him before she died. The need to prove his competence as a protector was too strong. He needed to know beyond a doubt that he'd become Ellie's hero because he earned it, and because he deserved to be. He wanted it so bad, if only to convince himself that Sarah's death wasn't his fault, that it was horrible luck or fate or that some higher power had decided he needed to lose his baby girl. And most importantly, convince himself that there was nothing he could have possibly done to save her.

He wanted to matter to Ellie like she mattered to him. And to do that, he had to be the father-figure she needed; become her hero. Right? That's what he had to do? But that wasn't exactly likely, no matter how much he wanted to be, because he was human and his flaws were the reason he couldn't be one and the reason he hadn't been one for Sarah. He just hoped to whatever god that had abandoned them long ago that he'd be able to protect Ellie. He recognized the second chance he'd been given and he was going to do everything he could not to waste it.

Except he really began to care about the kid so much that when they finally found Tommy, Joel wasn't sure he was good enough to get her to the Fireflies anymore. He was getting old and he was beginning to feel old, too. On top of that, they'd had too many close calls for him to have faith in his own abilities to keep them both alive on his own anymore. It physically pained him when he realized it wasn't the time to play hero. So he figured Tommy – being younger and rested and an ex-Firefly to boot – would have a better chance of getting Ellie to the Fireflies safely. It was hard for him to let Ellie go, but he was doing it for her because she was a hell of a lot more important than whatever personal vendetta he was struggling with.

Now he wishes he had told her the truth that he planned on giving her over to Tommy, because she was smart and figured it out on her own. She usually acted so mature and because of that he'd sometimes forget she was still so young and wouldn't take too kindly to decisions being made for her that she didn't agree with. He should have trusted her instead of being secretive. Another mistake, of course. Was he nothing but flaws?

When she disappeared, Joel's heart felt like it was in his throat because there were hunters everywhere goddamnit, and didn't she have any sense at all? What if she got shot, or killed? Or worse?

He didn't relax again until they found her safely curled up reading in one of the upstairs bedrooms of some old ranch house. Despite the crushing relief and the constant mantra of 'thank God' that was running through his head, it wasn't enough to ease his anger in the slightest. He let her know how stupid she'd acted, but then she was yelling right back at him for how stupid he was.

"Do you even realize what your life means? Huh? Running off like that, putting yourself at risk... it's pretty goddamn stupid."

"Well, I guess we're both disappointed with each other then."

Which he didn't understand, because what the hell? He had to protect her from himself, from his mistakes and his flaws that would get her killed, and that's why he asked Tommy to finish the job for him. Why couldn't she see what he was sacrificing for her?

"What do you want from me?"

"Admit that you wanted to get rid of me the whole time!"

"Tommy knows this area better than –"

"Agh, fuck that!"

"Well, I'm sorry. I trust him better than I trust myself."

He didn't understand why Ellie was so upset. What did it matter who brought her to the Fireflies? As long as she got there alive, right? Wasn't that the whole point of all this? If he tried to take her himself and failed in the end, everything they had done would be for nothing. Tess' death would be for nothing. Their deaths would be for nothing.

"Stop with the bullshit. What are you so afraid of? That I'm going to end up like Sam? I can't get infected. I can take care of myself!"

"How many close calls have we had?"

"Well we seem to be doing alright so far."

"And now you'll be doing even better with Tommy!"

She was so stubborn. Why couldn't she just do what he said for once? He was doing this for her, not for himself! He never wanted to get rid of her. If it was up to him he'd never give her up but he was trying to be a better person and stop being so selfish. Wasn't that what he was supposed to do here? Be the better person? Do what was right?

Then she brought up Sarah.

"Maria told me about Sarah. And I –"

"Ellie. You are treading on some mighty thin ice here."

"I'm sorry about your daughter, Joel, but I have lost people too."

"You have no idea what loss is."

But she did know, didn't she? Because when he said that, her eyes got hard and distant and Joel knew that look because he'd been wearing it for twenty years.

"Everyone I have cared for has either died or left me. Everyone fucking except for you!"

Joel hadn't expected her to walk up and shove him hard enough that he had to step back to not fall over. He deserved it though. He knew he did. Everyone had a family, so why should Ellie not? She was just like everyone else in the same way she was completely different. They all had their own story, and they all had people they'd lost. Being immune didn't change that.

And maybe she wasn't really all that lucky. Joel had always thought she was so fortunate because she couldn't be infected, but now he was seeing everything from her perspective. He couldn't imagine the self-hatred she probably felt for being immune. What made her better than everyone else? Why was she so special? Why had she been chosen to survive and watch the people she loved turn when she never could?

Her immunity wasn't a gift. It was a curse.

"So don't tell me that I would be safer with someone else, because the truth is I would just be more scared."

Ellie had never looked so painfully young as she confessed that, and it made Joel think for a second that he might be making the wrong decision, because now he didn't want to leave her more than ever. He didn't want her to be scared... scared like Sarah had been the night the infection began, and scared like he'd been when Tommy had left him on his own. But he had to stick with his decision because he thought it was the right one for her, even if it wasn't the best one for either of them.

"You're right... You're not my daughter, and I as sure as hell ain't your dad. And we are going our separate ways."

But in the end, he gave in because he couldn't say no to her even if he didn't tell her so right away. Let her think he was still in charge, and all that. But Joel was only kidding himself; his defences broke down the moment she brought up Sarah. Ellie and his baby girl were just too alike in too many ways for him to be okay with letting someone else take her, even if it his younger brother. It would be like leaving Sarah behind all over again.

And if he was being truthful, it was likely he didn't want to leave Ellie a lot more than she didn't want to leave him. He was selfishly putting her in danger when he knew she'd be safer with Tommy, but he just couldn't make her do it anymore. Not after what she said. Which is ironic, considering he didn't even want to take her in the first place. He was a hypocrite, with yet another flaw. One day he'd really have to tell Ellie about all of his flaws and his past and if she still wanted to stay with him after everything and could accept them for what they were, for what he was, then maybe he could learn to accept them too.


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