A/N: Final and third part is finally up. Sorry, the amount of school work I had all semester took me by surprise and I had little time to work on this. But it's finally finished! I made some changes to the first two chapters, so I'd recommend going back and reading those before reading this last chapter. But if not, it won't make a huge difference. I hope you enjoy it all the same!
Joel truly thought he was going to die when the metal pole he landed on stabbed through his midsection. He looked down and saw it protruding from his stomach at the same time he saw the panicked look on Ellie's face, and he knew it was bad. Really bad, if the agony he felt was any indication. He tried and failed not to panic, shaking and writhing in pain as his blood soaked his shirt and jacket. But he couldn't die then, he couldn't, because the university was practically filled to the brim with hunters and leaving Ellie alone now would mean her death too. So he called on strength he didn't even know he had and with a cry of agony, he was up on his feet and following Ellie to the door. He was determined to live, even as his life bled out of him in a steady flow of red.
He didn't remember leaving the university and finding their horse, nor did he remember falling off it and not getting back up again. Ellie filled him in on that part later. After that he could only vaguely recall bits and pieces of Ellie's voice and hazy flashes of a window covered with tattered curtains. It felt like he'd been sleeping for years when he finally jerked awake on an uncomfortable mattress that smelt rather strongly of urine. He rolled to his side to get up and instantly felt the most incredible pain shoot through his stomach. He cried out and gripped his middle, willing the intense pain to subside. When it did, he quickly noticed Ellie and her backpack were gone. He called for her, but she didn't answer and that was a whole lot more terrifying than whatever pain he was feeling. He knew where his priorities lay, so he made himself get up, grab his pack and leave the house to search for her in the snow.
It felt warmer outside than it did inside the house, which confused him until he lifted up his shirt. His wound was so infected that his stomach had swollen up and was bulging out around his puncture wound. The skin around the sutured line was bright purple, which was likely the cause of his fever and the reason he was so warm in below freezing temperatures. He wasn't sure how long he had been sleeping, but since it was winter he guessed he'd been in a feverish haze for quite some time. Ellie must've taken care of him while he was unable to do anything else but sleep. But he was able to walk and talk and sort of function now, so he'd resume looking after her like he should have been from the start. He owed her that much after everything she'd done for him.
Getting through the old neighbourhood had been hard enough without constantly worrying he was going to turn a corner and see Ellie's corpse lying in the snow, never mind evading or killing any hunters he encountered in his weak, feverish state. It was a lucky break that those two cocky hunters tried to corner him. He knew just what to do with guys like that.
As he hit the one guy over and over, stoutly ignoring the screaming pain in his midsection and hand, he could practically feel himself falling into old habits. But it felt so good to finally take out his frustration on someone who actually deserved it. He was no longer a hunter, but right then, he certainly felt like one. He needed to know where Ellie was, and if that meant bringing forth the man he used to be – the hunter he used to be – then so be it.
Before long, the remaining hunter told him Ellie was in the town close by. He quickly took care of him and set out immediately, using the map he'd found as a reference. It was a large town, but he when finally arrived and saw the burning building, he just knew that Ellie was in there. His breath caught in his throat when he saw her sitting on a man and slashing his face with a machete with such vigour that it was obvious she was beyond terrified. The man was clearly dead, so Joel grabbed her and wrenched her away from the corpse as quickly as he could, but the damage was already done. She'd have nightmares about this moment for the rest of her life. It was horrible to see Ellie murdering someone so viciously, no matter what the man had done to deserve such brutality.
He held her tightly and baby girl slipped past his lips before he could even register what he'd said. But when he did, he found he really didn't care. It felt right. She wasn't Sarah, but Ellie had become his baby girl all the same. And as she sobbed uncontrollably into his jacket, muttering about how the man she killed tried to do something to her – which made Joel sick to his stomach and feel a hatred so strong it made him see red the exact colour of the dead man's blood – he pressed his face into Ellie's dirty hair and silently promised her that he'd never let her go, because they were all that was left for each other and losing her now would mean losing everything. He'd never let that happen, not as long as he was alive and breathing and her life was still within his power to cherish and protect.
It felt like they'd been looking for the Fireflies forever, even though it had only been a little over a year. Every dead end was weighing heavily on Joel; he grew increasingly tired after each failed attempt at finding the rebel group. They'd been searching for so long now that by the time they got to Salt Lake City, Joel knew something was seriously wrong with Ellie. She'd changed. She spaced out more, and sometimes he'd be talking to her only to discover she hadn't been listening the entire time. They'd have full conversations that she'd forget they ever had just moments later, and it worried Joel to no end. He knew that she was different from when they first met, but now the true extent of how much their journey affected her was finally starting to show.
She didn't try to joke around or be positive and optimistic like she used to be. She didn't even whistle anymore, something she'd love to do ever since she taught herself. She just wasn't as happy. Joel didn't know what to do or how to fix it, so instead he focused on their trek to the hospital where they both desperately hoped the Fireflies were this time, alive and well and ready to engineer a cure.
Joel silently prayed that they'd find the Fireflies soon, because he wasn't sure how much more failure Ellie could take. He was used to failure – the life he lived was born from it, after all – but Ellie was only fourteen and she had so much pressure to succeed on her shoulders. Saving all of humanity was a burden she was having trouble carrying, so Joel would do what he could to make the burden just a little lighter by sticking with her to the end, because her wellbeing meant more to him than his own.
It was unusually quiet between them for the remainder of the journey to the hospital. The only time he saw Ellie perk up and act like her old self again was when they came across the giraffes. She'd finally looked happy, but to Joel it seemed hollow, as if she wasn't truly happy but just going through the motions. It was almost like she knew something he didn't. It bothered him a lot, and that worry made him brave.
"We don't have to do this. You know that, right?"
Ellie looked at him incredulously, like he was joking, which he was definitely not. He'd never been more serious about anything else in his life.
"What's the other option?"
"Go back to Tommy's. Just be done with this whole damn thing."
He hoped she'd say yes. He wanted her to say yes. She was exhausted and emotionally spent and he could see it in her eyes. He knew he was being selfish again to just abandon the job they'd been on for so long, but he still hoped she'd agree with him anyways.
"After all we've been through? Everything that I've done..."
He thought she was actually contemplating saying yes and just letting the world go on without them trying to save it, but he should have known that Ellie wasn't the type to give up.
"...It can't be for nothing."
She was so much like Tess, so strong and stubborn and determined that Ellie could have been their daughter. He wished she were. He'd have the right to tell her what to do, and maybe then he wouldn't feel so guilty for trying to talk her out of being the sole reason humanity survives the apocalypse.
He was beginning to get a bad feeling about the Fireflies and the cure for a while now, and as Ellie fell into prolonged silence as they neared the hospital, he guessed she did too. Her uncharacteristic quietness certainly didn't help ease his paranoia. But he couldn't figure out why it made him so uneasy, though. He almost didn't want to know why it bothered him, because maybe he'd never let her be the subject of this experiment no matter how much she wanted to be. He knew he was supposed to trust Ellie to make the right choices, but he is selfish and so damn flawed so what did he know? Chances were he'd probably stop her if it came down to it, so he hoped everything would be fine and he wouldn't have to intervene and make the decision for her.
But of course he did, because when is anything ever that easy?
Joel watched Marlene's mouth move, vaguely hearing the sickening formalities through the ringing in his ears, but all he really heard was that his greatest fear was coming true – that he was going to lose Ellie, that she needed to die so they could take her brain and figure out why the infection had mutated and made her immune. It was just like his usual horrific dreams, except this time he was definitely awake. A living nightmare. They wouldn't even let him see her one last time.
"She's being prepped for surgery."
"The hell you mean, surgery?"
"The doctors tell me that the cordyceps, the growth inside her, has somehow mutated. It's why she's immune. Once they remove it, they'll be able to reverse engineer a vaccine. A vaccine!"
Marlene looked at Joel so full of hope that her eyes teared up and she smiled at him like this was the best thing in the world. And it probably was, but not for Joel. Or Ellie, and she was all that mattered to him.
"But it grows all over the brain."
"...It does."
She looked genuinely sad at that, at the implications behind the statement, but Joel didn't care. They could find someone else. They couldn't take her from him; he couldn't be left all alone. Not again.
"Find someone else."
"There is no one else!"
Joel could hardly believe that Marlene was letting this happen. She's known Ellie since she was a baby. She promised Ellie's mother she'd look after her! He had never been so angry in his life – not even at the infected that bit Tess, and not even at the soldier that shot Sarah the night the world went to hell.
Marlene tried to defend her actions, but it fell upon deaf ears. In Joel's eyes, she was wrong and as long as she was going to let Ellie die, she would always be wrong. But she tried to convince him all the same.
"There is no other choice here!"
"Yeah, you keep telling yourself that bullshit."
He sat still on the floor of the hospital room they'd given him. He looked up at Marlene, the so-called leader of the Fireflies, the group that was still trying so hard to save a world full of people that really didn't deserve to be saved.
What a bunch of bullshit.
Their intentions may have been pure at the start, to save the human race and rebuild from the ashes, but now Joel saw right through their cause and into the dark intentions beneath. If the Fireflies actually managed to make a vaccine using Ellie's brain – despite not knowing how to engineer it with their already incredibly limited resources – they'd force the people to yield to their authority in order to receive treatment. They'd try to become the new government, leading the world to a bright new future and all that misleading propaganda. Maybe that's why Tommy had left their group in the first place. Joel was proud of his little brother.
He barely heard Marlene's final ultimatum through the haze of his too-late realization – "March him out of here. If he tries anything, shoot him. Don't waste this gift, Joel" – except Joel knew the second he walked out the hospital doors without Ellie, he was putting a bullet in his head. He wasn't living without her. It was that simple.
Yet Joel still let himself be guided at gunpoint out of the hospital room and towards the exit by one of Marlene's ever-faithful lackeys. He didn't understand why he was walking so calmly towards the exit, as if he wasn't leaving everything he loved behind with the people he grew to hate. He just felt numb, with the exception of a slight tingling in his chest that bled down his arms to the tips of his fingers. His right hand twitched towards his back pocket, forgetting for a moment they had taken the gun he normally kept there. He suddenly needed to have a gun in his hands. He needed to feel its comforting, steady weight in his palm, to feel the tiny familiar grooves dig wonderfully into his skin. He needed it to give him the courage he desperately craved.
They made the final turn into the lobby. He could already see the thin sliver of light that escaped from under the double door that sat waiting at the end of the hall. Mocking him, reminding him he'd failed, that his flaws had triumphed yet again. He spotted his backpack sitting on the receptionist's counter to his left. Ellie's joke book was in there since he'd offered to carry it for her when her backpack was too full. She'd probably want it back, seeing as she'd only read to page 42. She hadn't even reached the section she was looking forward to the most.
"Horror jokes are the best," she'd told him once. "There's something tragically romantic about making fun of the stuff that is supposed to scare the pants off you."
Ellie didn't know, but Joel had read ahead to the horror section and memorized a few of the more clever ones. He'd been saving them for when this was all over, when they were done with the Fireflies for good. Now he'll never have the chance to surprise her, to make her laugh again.
He stopped walking.
Joel realized he had to make a choice. He could choose to either finally be a hero by giving Ellie up and saving the world, or he could be selfish and reclaim her from the people that would never care about her life as much as he did. It was the decision he hoped he'd never have to make, and now he had only minutes to decide the fate of the world and the fate of his world.
"What the fuck you doin'? Keep walking."
Joel ignored the man as the enormity of his situation all but smacked him in the face. It was utterly baffling to think that he could be a hero for hundreds of thousands– if not millions of people if he chose to leave Ellie here. For years he'd been focused on being the hero of just one person, for Sarah and then for Ellie. So how was he supposed to choose between them? And even if the Fireflies only gave the cure to the few they deemed worthy, maybe there would be another little girl he'd never met that would be vaccinated. She'd be able to grow up, maybe even fall in love and have children who looked just like her. And maybe he'd love that little girl just as much as he loved Ellie and just as much as he loved Sarah.
The memory of what it had been like to nearly drown abruptly resurfaced. He mentally scoffed at the sheer irony of nearly dying at the hands of a hunter. Wouldn't that have been rich, being killed by his past and the hunters he'd walked away from? He supposed he would have deserved it – fate was certainly a cruel mistress, after all.
He was suddenly acutely aware of the dull echo of footsteps on the floor above him. They reminded him of the sound of his panicked heartbeat pounding in his ears as he'd splashed and flailed and tried desperately to bring himself up for air. He looked behind him and he saw the barrel of the gun Marlene's soldier held against his back, realizing it was nearly identical to the gun Ellie had used to kill the hunter holding his head below the water.
He thought of Ellie smiling and laughing and telling stupid jokes that made him want to gouge his eyes out from their lameness. Then he thought of Ellie cold and lifeless and cut open on a sterilized metal table, being poked and prodded by doctors attempting to make a vaccine they didn't even know how to engineer.
And after that, the choice was simple.
"I said keep walking!"
As soon as Joel felt the man's gun jab his back, he instantly turned and skillfully disarmed him. He quickly interrogated him for Ellie's location, shooting him twice in the stomach to get information fast before killing the guy with a headshot. He grabbed his pack and ducked behind cover just as he heard shouting from the Fireflies who had heard the multiple gunshots. He quickly reloaded his gun and breathed deeply. He'd kill them all if he had to.
It was about time Joel forced himself to accept that he couldn't be the hero they needed him to be. At this point, he didn't even want to help them or anyone anymore because he wasn't about to lose everything for people he no longer gave a damn about, and he wasn't going to let Ellie give up her life for those who only cared about themselves and their desire for power. The mere thought made him sick with self-hate at the cruelty of his own kind.
But then again, he was just as cruel since he'd decided to do what was best for himself and not what was best for everyone else. But he didn't want to die, not when he'd finally found a reason to live, and like hell he was going to sit back and let these bastards take that from him after everything he'd done for them. He was no stranger to cruelty, to leaving the bits of him that were human behind when he needed to, and he could be just as cruel to them as Marlene was to take advantage of Ellie's naïve selflessness.
Joel made his decision, and whether or not it was the right one he had to live with it. There was bound to be another kid some day who was also immune. Right? And Ellie didn't belong here – she belonged with him. He was going to leave his godforsaken hospital with her or not at all.
The Fireflies made him understand that even with cures for every goddamn disease known to the human race, mankind would still be beyond saving, because mankind themselves were the disease. Couldn't they see that? It's impossible to cure an animal of its own nature.
Joel had put his faith in all the wrong things; he could finally see that now. They weren't worth saving. But even if he couldn't save everyone, he could still save the little girl who meant more to him than all the rest, and that was enough.
"What happened?"
Lying straight to Ellie's face as she looked at him with wide, green eyes was one of the hardest things he'd ever had to do. He hadn't thought to plan out a believable story when he was still so caught up in getting as far away from the hospital as possible, so he said the first thing that came to mind. He told her there were other kids there that were immune, that the Fireflies had experimented on them before and that it had been useless… that they'd stopped looking for a cure.
His words crushed her, and he could see a glimpse of it in her expression before she lay down in the backseat facing away from him. "I'm sorry," he said, though he knew he was apologizing for something completely different. She didn't say another word until the truck they stole from the hospital died not too far from Tommy's.
Joel would never forgive himself for lying to her about something so important to not only him and Ellie, but for the human race in general. He may have just doomed them all, but he loved Ellie enough to still do it and deal with whatever consequences or guilt it caused him for the rest of his life because she was worth it. And he never wanted her to feel like she wasn't worth saving when she absolutely was. She was everything to him; she meant a hell of a lot more to him than the fate of humanity did. Why should he care about those monsters when he could care about the one little girl who made his life worth living again? He'd come to love Ellie like she was his own – like she was Sarah – and he wasn't about to just let that go like it meant nothing when it meant everything.
Before Ellie he'd tried so hard to move on from his daughter's death, but he never could. He'd only been able to accept that it happened because he wasn't good enough to save her and he hated himself for not protecting her when it mattered. Then the hunters picked him up, and all his ideals and morals went to hell and he became the very thing he despised the most – a villain. The anti-hero. It was so far from what he wanted that when he saw David do the closest thing he'd ever seen to a truly heroic act... well, it wasn't something he'd ever forget.
He'd thought he could save Sarah when he needed to, and that's why it broke him when he failed and why for years he just gave up trying to be a good person altogether. But then David showed him that even if he couldn't be a hero, he could still try to be a better person and it was as close as he would ever get so he'd have to be content with that.
Joel wanted to be like the kid David, the younger hunter who tried to be something better than he was. And Joel wanted to be nothing like the other David, the man who kidnapped Ellie and planned to do unspeakable things to her. The two Davids were such a severe contrast to each other, and Joel resented the twisted man with everything he was for tainting the name and memory of a kid who did something so brave and beautiful that it changed his life.
He'd always struggled with doing what was right and doing what was best, and Ellie helped him understand that surviving was what was right and what was best. Right for them, at least. Even though he'd done so many horrible things in his life, he'd accept it and move on if it meant both of them surviving another day, because that's what was best and that's what was right. He understood that now. He'd been a desperate man grasping for something to hold onto, and now that he'd finally found it he wasn't ever going to let go for anyone or anything else. The right thing be damned if it wasn't the best thing for Ellie too.
After all, he was a changed man. Well, maybe not changed, but a new man in the way that he has learned and accepted some important things about himself. Not because of Ellie, though. Not even because of David or Sarah, because no one can truly change a person. But they can be the reason someone changes, and it was Sarah's death that had changed him for the worst, then the hunter David who had shown Joel that he wanted to change for the better. Then Ellie who showed him the life they could have together if he changed. He wanted it more than anything, even if it meant giving up being the hero he'd wanted to be for so long.
He could see it too, everything he wanted right then as he stood on a hill overlooking the valley below. Tommy's community was laid out before them and in that moment it felt like the most beautiful thing Joel had ever seen. There was even smoke coming out of the chimney of a house. A house, lived in by an actual family! He and Ellie could live in a house too, maybe one close to Tommy and Maria so Ellie will have another woman around and Joel can catch up on the years he missed with his little brother.
He still couldn't believe it. He and Ellie were here and safe from the Fireflies. They were alive. Ellie was alive! He wanted to laugh, because after all the pain and terrifying nights they were both okay. And suddenly he kind of wanted to cry too, so instead he smiled because for once he was actually, truly happy.
"Hey, wait."
Ellie's voice was thick, heavy with something. Maybe she as happy about this as he was? He hoped so. They could start a new life together, a life that he could love because she was a part of it and that's all he wanted and that's finally, finally what he was about to get.
He thought of all the things they could do together now; all the things he wanted to tell her that he just never had time to. He could already imagine the conversations they'd have.
"We'll go swimming, yeah? Soon. I'll teach yah. 'n maybe I'll sing to you too, you know, if you can stand to hear this old coot howling' like a wolf at the moon. I'll even break out my old guitar if Tommy's still got it lyin' around somewhere. You ever played a six string before? Bet you'd like it. I had me a real nice one – named her Pheobe, but just Pheebs for short. She was my pretty lady 'till I had Sarah. Then I had two pretty ladies."
Smiling, Joel turned to look at Ellie, but she didn't look happy. The smile slipped off his face. She looked… timid, not like her usual self at all. Joel felt a surge of panic flare through his chest. Was she regretting staying with him? Did she want to leave him behind to explore the world on her own? Well he wouldn't let her. It was too dangerous, and she'd have to goddamn accept that real quick.
Ellie wrung her hands together nervously. She sighed. "Back in Boston – back when I was bitten… I wasn't alone."
Oh.
"My best friend was there, and she got bit too. We didn't know what to do… So, she says, 'let's just wait it out. Y'know, we can be all poetic and just lose our minds together.' …I'm still waiting for my turn."
Joel understood the look on her face now. It was guilt.
"Ellie –"
"Her name was Riley and she was the first to die. And then it was Tess, and then Sam."
Joel had to stop her right there. Did she seriously think they all died because of her? Tess' death was Joel's fault, and Sam's couldn't be helped. That was just the way it was.
"None of that is on you."
"No, you don't understand."
He didn't understand? He didn't understand losing someone and feeling like it was your fault and that nothing you could do from then on could help ease the pain? He didn't understand that?
Suddenly he was angry. Ellie may not be as innocent as Joel once thought she was, but she still knew nothing about what it was like to watch someone who you cherish more than the world itself die in your arms, completely powerless to stop it. But he pushed his anger down because Ellie was still young and she didn't know how it felt. That was okay. Joel would explain it to her.
"I struggled for a long time with survivin'. And you –"
But what could he say to make her understand that the only way to keep it together was to hold onto something and never let it go? That it was the only way to keep yourself grounded in a world like this? That was Sarah for him. It had always been Sarah. But Ellie didn't have someone like that, so what did he say?
He brushed his thumb along the cracked glass of his watch, and suddenly he knew in his heart that Sarah loved Ellie just as much as he did, because Ellie had saved him from himself. And then the answer was clear.
"– No matter what, you keep finding something to fight for."
Joel had lost his world before and thought he'd never be the same. He was right. But Ellie became his new world, his reason to ignore the growing stiffness in his joints and the weariness that constantly plagued his mind because he had to keep going for her and not just for himself anymore. At the beginning he thought of her as a burden; he never could have anticipated that a fourteen-year-old girl would give him so much purpose.
Joel hoped Ellie understood what he meant. Judging by the look on her face, she didn't.
"Now, I know that's not what you want to hear right now, but it's –"
"Swear to me."
He was startled by how quickly Ellie could change her demeanour. She'd appeared so small and vulnerable as she talked about her past, and now the Ellie he had grown to love was standing before him again – shoulders back, jaw set and eyes hard.
"Swear to me that everything that you said about the fireflies is true."
Joel immediately tensed. Where the hell had that come from? Did she suspect something? He prayed she didn't, because he wanted to tell her the truth even though he knew in his bones he couldn't. He hated lying to her because lying meant not trusting someone, and he did trust her. But did he? Why was he lying to her in the first place, then? He should trust her enough with the truth, shouldn't he?
Or maybe he should just goddamn admit that he was terrified she would be angry at him – that she would hate him – for choosing her over the world and for choosing for her. He was well aware that he had absolutely no right to do what he did, but he'd do it again if given the chance because he'd never be sorry for saving her life. Maybe one day she'll understand why he did what he did. Maybe one day she'll forgive him.
Maybe one day he'll forgive himself.
"I swear."
Ellie looked at him long and hard, almost suspiciously. Joel stilled under her intense gaze, looking back at her with what he hoped was complete sincerity. The emotions flickered across Ellie's face almost too quickly for him to see and he tried to not let his growing panic show. He was having a difficulty hiding it from her the longer she stared, especially since he realized this was an important moment for them. Joel wasn't naïve enough to underestimate it, because this was it – the make or break point. He was pretty sure they both knew that.
A part of him thinks Ellie knew he was lying. But he also wants to think that she accepts his lie because she trusts him to do what is best for them because she loves him just as much and wants to stay with him too. Or at least, he hopes she does. If need be he can pretend otherwise. He's always been good at that.
"Okay."
Ellie had been looking at the ground, but she looked up at him as she said that, her eyes were wide and just a bit watery. A sudden rush of warm, giddy relief rapidly bled through Joel's chest when it dawned on him what Ellie meant. She accepts it. She believes him. She trusts him. She loves him too.
He didn't know what he'd do if she had said no. He can't imagine what his life would be like right now without Ellie. She was already so deeply integrated into who he was that any other life without her in it was unfathomable. How had he possibly survived without her before? How had he woken up each morning without her being his very first thought? How had he passed the time without their good natured bantering that made him feel more normal than he'd felt for years? How had he gotten through those first few months after losing Sarah and all those that followed without her unwavering loyalty, witty intelligence, will to fight for what was right and all the things he absolutely loved about her?
Joel broke out of his thoughts as Ellie began to walk towards him and Tommy's village. She looked sad. When she passed him, he noticed her backpack began to slip off her shoulder. He reached out and lifted the strap back up, making sure to tighten it as he did so. He was rewarded with a small smile that he quickly returned with one of his own. He thought Ellie looked beautiful when she smiled.
She began to trek carefully down the hill to the valley where the first few houses stood. Joel let her go ahead of him before he followed a little farther behind, watching her carefully in case she fell. He was sure she wouldn't, of course, because it was clear she really did know how to take care of herself, but he wasn't sure how to convey that he had faith in her and still also harboured a deep desire to protect her.
"Hey, uh, Ellie."
Ellie turned to look back at him, one foot braced on a large rock to keep steady. "What?"
Joel rubbed the back of his neck, feeling awkward. He didn't know what spurred him to suddenly call for her; he only felt an overwhelming urge to tell her what she meant to him.
"Just uh, thanks. You know, for everything." The "thanks for showing me what I'd become, thanks for helping me change, thanks for giving me purpose, thanks for giving me a new life, thanks for saving me" went unspoken.
Ellie raised an eyebrow, and then her eyes narrowed slightly and she frowned. Joel didn't even have time to worry about what her frosty response could have meant before her face smoothed out and she was smirking and rolling her eyes. "You're welcome, I guess." She turned to look out towards the valley before adding, "You big sap."
Joel chuckled and was about to say more, but she'd already begun climbing down the hill again. He watched her go a bit sadly. That hadn't been everything he was going to tell her. "You are important," he wanted to say, because she was. Even though he'd taught her how to survive and how to get through the bad stuff by finding the will to carry on, she'd taught him so much too. Her lessons were much more important – probably the most important things he'd ever learned.
She taught him to enjoy life, because what's the point of being alive and well if you can't appreciate the small joys that make it worth all the bad stuff? She taught him to forgive but not forget what he'd done by helping him let go of his past so he would be able to give them the best future he could. But most importantly of all, she reminded him that it was okay to have flaws and parts of you that maybe aren't the typical hero's qualities, because that's was what made him human.
And when it mattered most, Joel did what the person would do, not the hero. He believed he could be just like the heroic figures in his mother's stories, and now he realizes that was his flaw. His humanity had never been his weakness… it had been his greatest strength all along.
Because in the end, he made the decision the way a flawed man would. He did what he needed to do to get the happiness he knew he deserved after all the heartache he'd endured at the hands of the world, because he felt like it was finally the world's turn to suffer. So really, maybe his weakness wasn't even trying to be the hero he'd always wanted to be; maybe it was simply the need for happiness in times of overwhelming sadness.
Whatever it was, he'd learned to accept it just as he'd learned there is nothing for a hero but sacrifice and endless pain. A flawed man has both, but at least he could choose his own path and his own end because he is not obligated to do what is right like a hero. He has control over his own story, and that's what makes his story great.
So no, Joel wasn't a hero. He wasn't selfless, strong, righteous or moral. There was no place for a hero in this world, and now he didn't think there ever would be. He hadn't been a hero for Sarah, for David, for Tess or for Henry and Sam. But he was human, with flaws and mistakes and everything that made him human, and he had a little girl who loved and trusted him despite everything, so that was good enough for him.
no place for a hero in this world
never a place for a hero to be
but if i can love what's left of you
will you please love what's left of me?
A/N: I hope I was able to portray Joel properly. I wanted to show that he has unlikely goals, but he still wants them even though he knows they're nearly impossible to achieve. And I wanted to express other things about him too, like that he jumps to the conclusions he wants to believe and that he rapidly develops a rather unhealthy obsession with Ellie and clings to her more than he should. He isn't the type to thrive alone.
Joel is flawed and even as he tells himself he's a better person he really isn't when it comes down to it. He's deluding himself, and when things might not go his way he gets vicious. He's not a perfect character, but it's who he is and he should stop trying to pretend he's something he's not. He's not a hero, but he doesn't need to be. Personally, I like to think he eventually accepts himself for who he is and moves on.
Thank you for reading! Again, my apologies that the third and final part took so long. I hope it was worth the wait! Please leave me a review - I'd love to hear what you thought!
