Thanks to all of my reviewers, favorite-ers, and followers.
Also many thanks to kismet4891 and katnissinme for being such wonderful betas.
In Name Only –Peeta's POV
Part 3
1931
Oh, God, I gotta stop thinking about her!
This is so wrong!
What is the matter with me?
She's seventeen and my friend's kid!
She doesn't think about you like that…- I'm thirty-one, don't think about her!
I can remember when she was a toddler for God's sake!
Peeta argued with himself, debating his sanity and ethical standards in a very cold was trying, unsuccessfully, to banish the un-pure thoughts about Katniss Everdeen he was having. This was something he found himself doing often as of late. Seemingly overnight she had grown up, and he found himself mesmerized and entranced with the woman she had a few months ago she was the same kid that he'd always known. Now, though, she looked and acted like a woman. Peeta hadn't noticed the change until a few weeks ago. He could remember every detail of that hot summer morning. She was making the egg delivery without her father, driving the old Model T, something which most teenage girls couldn't do.
"Good morning, Mr. Mellark," she had called to him pleasantly. Katniss glided into the bakery, a crate of eggs filling her arms. She was in overalls and her hair was wild, windsweptas much of it had escaped her braid. He smiled to himself as he realized that she must have pushed theold truck as fast as it could go.
Peeta turned to wish her good morning but he suddenly was taken aback by her messybut incredibly comely appearance - it was like he was really looking at her for the first time. After a few moments he finally realized that he had yet to greet her. He finally returned, "Good morning, Kitty." Then he took the crate from her hands. It was quite weighty, and he marveled at how such a small thing could handle such hard work so effortlessly. Peeta tried to make pleasant conversation while he put the eggs away. "You by yourself today?"
"Yes, Papa wanted to get an early start on making hay this morning,." Katniss replied, and she found her stool at the counter andunceremoniously hopped on it. "I had to return some books to the library and pick up some things for Mama."
Peeta, was surprised that without her father she would still want to visit with him, but he always enjoyed her company so he was happy to entertain her. "Oh, what books? Anything good?"
"I just finished the The Great Gatsby," she told him. "But don't tell Mama, she thought that it was inappropriate for a young lady."
"It is," Peeta teased her and held a cheese bun out to her on a napkin. "Drinking, adultery, and all types of scandalous things, it may make a young lady faint."
"Good thing that I'm not much of a lady then, huh?" Katniss gave him a half smile and then tugged on her overall strap. "Papa told me that I could read it, but just not to let Mama know. Besides, I'm seventeen, I'm going to be a senior this year. I could get married in a lot of states."
"So how did you like it?" Peeta asked her. She looked at him curiously for a moment, her face relaying that she was shocked he was talking to her like an equal.
"I think that Daisy is a twit, and that Gatsby should have forgotten about her and found someone deserving of him," Katniss said before tearing off a corner of her bun and eating it.
"Ahh, but then there wouldn't have been a story at all," Peeta chided. They talked about the book for a while; they had similar opinions of it and agreed that overall they both liked it. The exception being Katniss's low opinion of Daisy – apparently she expected more of her own sex. Peeta found himself getting lost in her lovely grey eyes, and watching her lips as she spoke. He caught himself staring at her while she re-braided her long, dark tresses, and he could never remember being so enchanted with a woman's hair before. He had a sudden urge to run his fingers through it, but then scolded himself for such a thought about his little friend Kitty. He also noticed, despite the baggy overalls, that she had filled out some. She now had a pleasing swell to her breasts and hips, and she definitely no longer looked like a twelve-year-old boy with a braid.
Finally she left and he felt an odd emptiness. He convinced himself that he was just being stupid and that she was just a child. Finding reassurance in the lie, he told himself thatthe next time she came in it would be just like it had always been before. But it wasn't. She delivered eggs on her own often in the following weeks. Katniss could keep up with him on just about any topic, and what she didn't know she asked about at length, hungry for knowledge. Katniss was like a breath of fresh air in Peeta's life, so unlike any other woman in his life had ever been. She was so pure and honest, and her actions never belied ulterior motives.
He found himself going to church more often, knowing that the Everdeens went every Sunday. Peeta would usually sit with Finnick and Annie and always tried to find a seat as close to the Everdeens as he could. It was Finnick who first noticed how Peeta would mention the eldest Everdeen girl on a regular basis when he visited the Odair home, and how at church Peeta's gaze always found the dark-haired young lady. Peeta had always been able to pick Katniss's voice out of a crowd, as it had always soothed him and he thought that it was among the loveliest that he'd ever it drew him in for another reason – it was like a siren's song, pulling him to her. Finnick would tease Peeta about it when they were alone, and Peeta would brush him off. Peeta knew that he had started to think of her differently; she was now Katniss the woman, no longer Kitty the little girl. He was in deep.
Then he started to dream of her. Late at night he would try to think about pleasant things to keep his mind off the nightmares that were likely to come his way in the middle of the night. Sometimes he would dream of a life where he was married and his house was full of children and happiness. Always before the woman was nondescript, just some generic face inspired by random advertisements or film stars. It had never been anybody he'd actually known, until now. His wife in the fantasy now was petite, with delicate features, a long, nearly black braid down her back, and gorgeous grey eyes. She would work in his garden and snuggle with him in front of that fireplace on cold nights. Sometimes she would be rocking a baby to sleep, singing a sweet lullaby; it was a beautiful dream, and it brought him such happiness. This dream was pure and sweet.
But then there were the other fantasies, more carnal ones of long, dark hair splayed on his pillows, ora melodic voice seductively calling for him to lay with her in his bed. He would join the already naked woman under the covers and they would make love for hours on end. Peeta tried to convince himselfthat it was not Katniss in his dreams, especially on the rare occasion when he had a strong urge to stroke himself to completion, but he knew that it really was her. He felt terrible for even thinking thusly and tried to imagine other faces and women, usually someone who was a total opposite of his true desire. He tried to replace the girl of his dreams with tall blondes and red heads, i. It usually worked, but thoughts of her always lingered at the back of his mind.
Peeta lightly knocked his head against the tiled shower wall, trying to rid himself of his thoughts about Katniss. He didn't know if he hated having these thoughts because of her age, or because the likelihood of anything ever happening between them was slim to none.
Today had been the straw that broke the camel's back. Katniss delivered eggs alone again. She was in her overalls as always, it was hot, and a sheen of perspiration made her glow. They exchanged their typical pleasantries and Peeta took the crate of eggs from her. A timer went off and Katniss offered to get the pan of cookies out of the oven since Thom was out making deliveries. Peeta came back out of the stock room just in time to see Katniss burn her arm on the wall of the oven. "Ahh!" she gasped, but to her credit, she was able to get the pan to the counter without dropping a single cookie.
"Katniss!" Peeta rushed to her side and took her arm to examine her burn before wordlessly ushering her to the sink and turning on the cold water and placing her arm under the stream. "How does that feel?"
"Good," she said softly and blushed. Peeta was right on top of her. Close up he could see the slight dusting of freckles and an old scar on her temple. She smelled of freshly cut hay, blackberries, and horses. He could feel electricity from where his hands held hers under the water. "I'm sorry, it's not really that bad, I'm just a pansy when it comes to burns. I would rather get kicked by a cow or pinched by a goose than get burned, it is my least favorite kind of pain."
Peeta finally stepped away from her, to get her a clean towel to dry her arm. "Oh, they don't even bother me nowadays; maybe my arms have been burnt so many times that I can't feel it anymore." Peeta held out his arms to show her the patchwork of pink shiny scars that covered his forearms. He gingerly patted her arm dry and mused, "Sometimes I feel like I'm nothing but one big scar, or at least a collection of little ones." Peeta went to the windowsill and plucked a spike of aloe off the plant he kept there. He again took her arm but kept his distance this time as he dabbed on the healing liquid.
"Papa says that you can tell a lot about a person by the marks they carry," Katniss said softly, then turned her eyes down to where he was attending her wound. "You can tell what their work is, how willing they are to help another, what their passions are." She brought her eyes to his face, looking briefly at his scar before meeting his eye."Our scars make us who we are, Mr. Mellark."
Peeta was silent for a moment, so taken aback by her loveliness and words. He finally returned, his voice barely a whisper, "You're a wise young lady, Katniss." It was too much, this felt like a moment of intimacy, and he had to distance himself from her even more. He cleared his throat, pulled out his wallet, handed her a dollar for the eggs, and jovially said, "But, that one won't scar. It's just a little one, you won't even know that you had it in a week."
"Thank you, Mr. Mellark," Katniss said gratefully. Peeta sent her off with a bag of warm cookies. Peeta watched her leave and came to the clear realization that he had been fighting for weeks. I love Katniss Everdeen, more than I've ever loved any woman.
That was it, Peeta was a goner. I need to go find some female companionship that will clear my head. I'll go see Glimmer, she'll distract me and make me forget about what I'll never have.It was Saturday night, so he decided to go to Effie's and see if he could forget about the little grey-eyed nymph who had captured his heart without even knowing it.
Peeta had been seeing Glimmer for a while; she was a dancer and waitress at Effie's to supplement her alimony. When he met her she was fresh off her third marriage and was ready to have some fun. She was movie star beautiful, with blonde bobbed hair and pretty green was tall, slender, and everyman's fantasy - and she'd chosen Peeta. Perhaps she'd heard the rumor that he was wealthier than the average baker or that he was a generous lover. Either way she was his girl, at least when they were together. He spent his Friday and Saturday nights with her, they had fun, and she was fantastic in bed. But he rarely thought about her when he wasn't with her. Lately she'd been hinting that she was looking to get married again… to him. Peeta considered it for a fraction of a second, but Glimmer would never fit in his everyday life, not to mention that he knew he felt nothing like love for her. She wanted to be in a big city and spend her days shopping and drinking champagne. Peeta wanted a quiet life and someone to share his home and possibly a family with. Glimmer was not the sort of girl to settle down, even by her own admission.
When Peeta got to Effie's Glimmer was on a table, shaking her rump in her sequined short dress, and loving the attention that she was receiving from the hooting men in the room. Peeta hoped to get excited at the prospect of getting her alone later in the evening, but he couldn't. It just felt wrong now that he had admitted that his heart belonged to another. It was only then that he realized that he didn't even really like Glimmer now, if he ever did; he had only been using her to distract himself from other things. As he watched her dance he realized how much of his life he had wasted here and in places like it.
When Glimmer noticed that Peeta was there she found him and boldly straddled his lap, seductively whispering, "Hello there, sugar." She purred, "Aren't you happy to see me? You look like you've got the weight of the world on your shoulders. How about I make it all better later?"
Peeta imagined her on her knees before him, or perched on top of him, riding him. He realized that fucking wasn't really what he wanted, as it left him feeling even emptier and worse than he did before the act. It's time to make a change in my life, to become a better man. "Glimmer," Peeta took a deep breath and let it all out, "I think that we need to stop seeing each other."
"What?!" Glimmer spat. Getting dropped must have been a first for her. "But why?"
"Because this isn't enough anymore," Peeta laid his money on the table and kissed her on the cheek before she slid off his lap. "Be good to yourself, Glimmer." Peeta left Effie's vowing to never touch another woman as long as his heart belonged to Katniss Everdeen, realizing that it would more than likely be with her forever, even if she never knew it.
On his drive home Peeta decided that if he ever wanted a chance to be with Katniss then he was going to have to become a man worthy of her. He knew that Harland had said that he wouldn't allow Katniss to be courted until she was done with school. Katniss was getting ready to start her senior year – that gave him roughly nine months to get his life right. He would give her time and space and would patiently wait for the right opportunity and just hoped that she might fall in love with him, too, someday. He knew that the plan might sound crazy and that the chance of it working was low. Despite the high likelihood of failure, Peeta felt hopeful for his future for the first time in a long time, and couldn't wait to catch a glimpse of her tomorrow at church.
