AN: the characters do not belong to me. I thank my lovely beta, Granthamfan, for always doing such wonderful work on my edits, and Settees-Under-Siege for giving me the idea for this story through a comment in tumblr.
Freddy and Fever
"He got in! Freddy's been accepted to Ripon Grammar!" An excited voice exclaiming about her son and his scholastic triumph was soon muffled by the fabric of Robert's coat as he embraced the maid in a congratulatory hug.
I wished I'd stayed inside, for it seemed my every walk was becoming interrupted by the closeness of Robert and Jane. Oddly enough, they didn't ever see me there. I sighed. It was becoming so typical. Whenever Jane was around, it was as if he could look right through me without perceiving my presence. Even when she was not there, I felt invisible. Was this really all because of my war work and the feelings Robert had developed of being of no use? I was starting to ask myself this question over and over. I suppose I didn't want to revert to the alternative explanation that he had stopped loving me earlier than the time of his insecurities. No, it must be the war. Would I not have felt myself losing him? I shook my head as I walked back toward the house. This could not be it. There had to be more at work than this.
It was time for the dressing gong when I returned, but I was in no mood for dinner. O'Brien sighed as she helped me dress.
"I wish you'd tell me," she said with anguish. "I know I'm repeating myself, but a secret like this won't do any good if you keep it inside, milady."
Uncharacteristically, I let the dam inside my chest burst open with the tears and insecurities pouring out. "He doesn't love me! He spends all his time with that maid Jane, talking about apples or her son, Freddy," I cried as O'Brien held me in her arms as a mother would do in comforting her child.
Then she looked down at me with confusion. "Who are Jane and Freddy, milady? I've never heard of them. I'm sure there's no maid here by that name."
There wasn't? A knock on the door interrupted my shock. It was Mary. As if she didn't have enough troubles of her own, with Matthew marrying Lavinia right in front of her eyes. My vision blurred as I tried to stand up again. I swayed for a moment before getting my footing.
"Are you sure you're all right, milady?"
I nodded as the pain in my head grew worse and I felt like the temperature in the room had been suddenly raised to boiling. "I just need to get downstairs to dinner. You know how Carson frowns on tardiness."
As I descended the stairs, the dizziness seemed to clear up for a moment, but as the dinner went on, I suddenly felt hot again.
"I must excuse myself," Lavinia was saying, although her words were a mere buzz in my ears as I struggled to keep myself upright in my chair. "I'm not quite all right," she finished. Mary stood up and escorted her to a room where she could rest. My poor Mary. That foolish, heartless Robert! How dare he allow Matthew's wedding to take place right under Mary's nose? It was supposed to be her wedding to Matthew, not Lavinia's. Mary held her emotions well in check by all appearances, but I knew my little girl. I knew she was crumbling inside, breaking into a million pieces. I knew I was, and I wished to have Mary's ability to conceal it. But with every passing minute as I felt worse physically, I feared that my emotions would come spilling out if I even glanced at Robert. The room started to sway again and I swallowed hard, not holding my emotions well, either.
My anger against Robert burned hotter than the fire in my head. He didn't even look at me, much less inquire as to how I was feeling. Rumors of Spanish Flu were swirling, and in my haze I didn't feel as much concern than when I had first heard about it. Then again, nothing had been as sharp or real to me since Jane.
In my next now-hitched breath, I heard myself as though from afar echoing Lavinia's words. "I'm afraid I'm not quite all right, either. I'm sorry, but you'll have to excuse me." Wobbling as I stood, I managed to make my way to the door as the others stared after me. Once in the foyer, I glanced up warily at the staircase. It was almost too much to manage, but I slowly made it step by step until I was finally in my bedroom. It took all the energy I had left to ring for O'Brien, who came rushing into the room with a stricken look on her face.
"Milady! Why did you ever decide to go down to dinner in the first place? I knew you weren't well. All this talk of people named Jane and Freddy..."
I was too breathless to protest as she worked to get me out of my clothes and into a nightdress. I truly felt as though I were suffocating, each breath coming in ever-tightening wheezes. O'Brien's eyes looked frightened even though her words were reassuring as she laid me down in bed and promised to leave only long enough to ring for Dr. Clarkson. Her voice was coming from above water as I was being pulled deeper and deeper into the middle of the ocean, a breathless, floating entity.
I didn't hear or sense the doctor's presence, only someone pressing a cool cloth to my head. It felt wonderfully refreshing and nice where it was placed, but only cooled a portion of the fire that was now my body. Still I thought of Robert. But, concepts and words were coming slowly to me now, dragged through the molasses of my fever, as I could not think of the words for the simplest of things, much less have the energy or breath to speak them. Finally a darkness engulfed me and gave me some mercy from my torment. It was a reprieve to not have to think of Jane anymore.
Hours later, I heard a voice calling to me. "Mama? Can you hear me? It's Sybil. Please try to open your eyes and look at me."
I tried, but it hurt too much. I sank deeper into my sweat-drenched pillows, my chest heavier than ever. A piercing and strained sound filled the air as I inhaled and exhaled, and it took a moment to realize it as the rasp of my own breathing. I felt someone squeeze my hand, probably Sybil or O'Brien. Then I was falling, fast and out of control, their voices and touches leaving me. My entire body was silent, no breath coming in or going out. The last sensation I felt was a sharp stab somewhere I couldn't name. Then the darkness claimed me in entirety.
In the next moment, although it could have been minutes or hours later, I saw him under an apple tree. He was picking apples and placing them into a barrel. For her! I writhed in pain at the notion. My body was filmy, transparent, just like my heart.
"You don't love me anymore," I sobbed. "Why don't you love me anymore, Robert?"
The wind that was blowing took away my voice and I stared at him, but he seemed to just look through me. It was as if I'd ceased to exist.
It felt kind for the darkness to overtake me again, brushing me with its inky hand into a cave of near nothingness, for I sensed voices and more stabs, even my body being shaken or moved with desperate moves by trembling hands. Someone's head was pressing into my chest and soaking my nightdress with tears and pleas. I briefly wondered why I should care as long as Robert had abandoned me. It certainly could not be him pleading for me to live. He had his new love, Jane. Was everything over now for me? Before I could think any further, I was plunged into a new abyss.
It might have been a few moments or a few days later when I opened my eyes briefly, the light feeling like a thousand pinpricks, which prompted me to close them once more. But before I did so, I caught sight of Robert leaning across his half of our bed, staring intently at me. There were tears in his eyes, but it didn't make sense.
"You don't love me," I rasped out between gasps for breath.
His expression was puzzled, but just as I was closing my eyes again, I saw Jane standing in the far corner of the room. She was laughing. She pointed at me and raised her chin in triumph. It wasn't as if I needed to say anything. She had won.
Tears rolled down my fevered cheeks as I returned it the darkness, and this time there were no voices.
