Soul of a Duelist
Turn 8: Looking Glass Self
Huh?
What do you want?
Look, I'm not really in a good mood so I don't want to talk.
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Not going to leave me alone are you? Fine. Do what you want.
What's your name?
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You start bugging me all of a sudden and won't even tell me your name? Honestly…
Eh? Who am I? Why should I tell you if you won't tell me your name? Where's the logic in that?
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What? You've seen me somewhere? Heh…It's your imagination. I'm no one.
Yeah I'm sure. It's just a coincidence if I looked like someone you knew.
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Well where are you going? This train is for more than talking to strangers you know.
Origin, huh? Looks like we're going the same way.
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What do you mean I look like I'm going there to cause trouble?! Aren't you being judgemental just because of what I'm wearing?! Just because I have a big winter coat, a hood and some beanie doesn't mean I'm a troublemaker!
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My right arm? What do you care about my right arm for?
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Hmph, I told you, it's your imagination, you don't know me. What? Fine! Here, look! See? Nothing, my arm is fine, nothing special about it or on it, happy now?
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You're not. Honestly, that's not my problem, is it?
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Well, what do you want in Origin?
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Just visiting? By yourself?
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Hey, suit yourself! Origin just doesn't seem to be a great vacation spot if you ask me.
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So why am I going there? Well, Origin is my hometown. I've been away from it for a few years but recently I decided to go back for a visit.
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I had a feeling you'd ask me but fine. Just be glad you met someone convenient. Yeah, I'll show you around the place.
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You sure are chatty. I've just been out of town these last few years. Looking for some inspiration and all that. Eh? Oh, yeah I'm a writer so it's only natural for me to want to find something to write about, isn't it?
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What have I written? Just a few short stories, a novel or two. You'll mostly find my stuff in those books with a bunch of short stories.
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HEY! I…Yeah you're right, I am a deadbeat…Well! It doesn't matter! I make by fine! Just because I'm homeless doesn't mean anything about who I really am!
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…Heh…Thanks. Yeah, of course I'm a nice guy! I just look a bit rough around the edges that's all.
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Eh? Why are you asking me about something like that?! I-I don't have a girlfriend waiting for me in Origin! Honestly, asking me something so embarrassing…I told you, I just haven't been to Origin in awhile so I wanted to go back! It's my hometown!
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It's fine, it's fine. I accept your apology. Still, you're too weird. But I guess in some ways it's nice to have a friendly chat at this time of year. I didn't think it would be snowing so heavily in Origin…Can't even see the sky.
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I know that it's winter! What I mean is that even in the wintertime Origin's skies were clear. So even when the entire city was covered in snow you could still see the clear blue sky above. But…With all this snowfall there's nothing but gray clouds.
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I told you, I'm a writer, of course I say useless things like that. Besides, I like the sky.
It's going to be a few more hours until we get there so I'm going to take a nap. Wake me up when we arrive, alright?
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Alright thanks. Now don't forget! You'll be lost without me you know.
Man…I didn't know sleeping in those chairs would leave me so stiff…Ugh…
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Well you should've told me then! I don't take trains normally, it's either walk there or take a bus for me.
Anyway, is there anywhere you wanted to see in particular?
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Guess that's a good start, I'm pretty hungry too. But hey, you're paying for lunch!
Don't give me that look! You'd have to pay a lot for a tour guide normally, but I'll do it for a meal instead! That's got to be cheaper than the guide, right?
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Hey! Hey! Ok, ok! I'll pay for myself.
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…Yeah I have money…
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Don't be so offended! I wasn't going to buy a lot of food if you agreed…Come on, don't be so angry, it was a joke!
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You're really a weird person, you know that right?
Follow me, if we go a few blocks south we'll come across this café. It doesn't look like much but the food is cheap and it's good.
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Yeah…It is pretty cold. To be honest I can't really see through all this snow, it's coming down pretty heavily. Well you look like you're dressed for this weather. Still, let's get moving already!
Ahh…The food here really is good! It's been way too long since I've had one of these tuna sandwiches!
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Of course I have good taste! My parents used to take me here when I was a kid because this place has the best sandwiches in all of Origin!
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…My parents died when I was very young. So I'm pretty sure they don't have much to say for not visiting in the last five years.
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It's alright, you didn't know. It's been about fifteen years since then, so I don't really feel too bothered by it now.
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What were they like…?
Come on, it's getting late. I'll show you to a good place to stay for the night.
This is where we part ways my strange travelling companion!
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Where am I staying? Isn't it obvious? I'm going to stay at a drop-in center for the night.
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Don't look like that. You were the one that said I was a hobo anyway, it's natural.
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It's fine, really. You kept me company for the day so that's good enough for me. You have your own places to go to, and to be honest, so do I.
I'd be lying if I said I didn't come here for a reason.
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Good that you understand. Take care of yourself then!
Huh? You again? I have to admit I'm not that surprised to see you here.
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So this was the real reason you came to Origin isn't it? You wanted see ground zero of the Origin Hellfire.
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So you noticed. Yeah…That hellfire was fifteen years ago, and it was when I lost my parents.
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Fifteen years ago half of Origin was suddenly engulfed in flames. Even now the city is still trying to recover from the damage. There still isn't enough money to clear the rubble let alone rebuild. So here it is, the city of the dead. You can still find charred remains of men and women if you dig around.
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How did I survive? Honestly? I don't really know. Somehow I wasn't claimed by the fires. But, as you know my parents weren't nearly as lucky. I found traces of their clothing and a pile of ashes when I stumbled out of the basement.
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Yeah, well I turned out alright even with seeing that at seven.
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There was no official report of what caused the Hellfire. But, from what I hear it's believed that someone was doing something very strange.
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Yes and no. They think that someone or a group was trying to do some kind of experiment. But there were no traces of explosives or nuclear weapons. Eventually some thought it had something to do with Duel Monsters. Why? Because there were records of strange phenomena occurring because of Duel Monster cards, like people being sucked into other dimensions, reports of actual monsters appearing, all that weird stuff.
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Yeah, you heard of them I bet. What a crazy world, little sheets of cardboard that can rip apart the Earth, honestly…Oh right, where was I?
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Right, thanks.
The investigation team believed that the Hellfire was started because someone was trying to do something with Duel Monsters. They're not sure what the actual cause was, but I have a feeling it was nothing good.
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Like what? I don't know. Maybe they were trying to…To…Break through to another dimension or something? What? Did you expect me to actually know?
Well in the end as the investigators couldn't release an official report stating that a million people died because of a card game, the case was closed as it was.
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You don't have to be sorry for me. I turned out pretty good. I…Had good friends with me in that orphanage.
…You know…My mother, she was…Really feisty I guess. She had a lot of energy! My mother was pretty quiet but I remember she loved playing Duel Monsters; I guess she didn't care if she was twice the age of the other kids. She even taught me how to play, I often ended up as her opponent.
Hahaha…It was strange, trying to beat my mom in a duel so I could get my allowance that week. I didn't win against her very often, hahaha.
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I told you already, you don't know me. You know that lots of people can play Duel Monsters, honestly!
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My father? He…I…He…Ah! Right, he was a writer.
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Yeah, like me.
My father never really got into Duel Monsters, though my mother often tried to teach him. My father was a pretty rigid guy. He didn't say much. But my father really liked to write short stories, often little hero tales. He really liked those kinds of stories. I think he used to tell me lots of them before I went to bed.
He loved mythology, actually I think that's where my parents got my name.
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Hmph, you still haven't told me your name and you still want to know mine!
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…I'm…Surprised I can still remember that much actually…
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You see, I…Can't remember their faces anymore. I don't even know the name of my parents. I'm forgetting them slowly.
I don't remember what my mother's embrace felt like, or the feeling of my father's hand as he guided me through life. I…
I really miss them…But I'm not even sure if what I just told you was even true. They might just be things my mind made up to fill in the gaps.
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Sorry, I don't know why I'm saying this to a complete stranger like you. It's none of your business in the end.
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The real reason I'm here? You're really a strange person, to want to listen to someone like me.
Guess…I'm trying to find out who I am. Somehow I made it through twenty-two years by changing faces everyday and I didn't even know it.
Recently…Well, things started to change. So now I've realized what I'm not because of those changes, so I have to…Find what I am if I want to keep moving forward.
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Heh…Yeah it's…I'm a little messed up after all.
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I don't know what I'm looking for here. But, somehow I felt that I should come back here. The city that time forgot and where my life ended, the endless faces of someone else's life beginning.
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I guess that's probably it isn't it?
When you're lost all you can do is find your way back to the beginning to try again. That's a good way to put my situation. I really am back where everything started…
I travelled for most of my life so I didn't stay in any one place for very long. Really these ashes are really my only home. Funny how that works out.
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Don't be asking me something like that now. You came here for your own reasons, you don't need to follow me for your vacation.
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When you put it like that you make me out to be the bad guy! I'm just saying that you can be doing better things than following some hobo around.
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Fine, fine! It's your time in the end. I did want to visit one more place while I was in town.
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Where? I guess it doesn't matter if I told you now.
It's the orphanage I was sent to after the hellfire. Come on, it's going to be a long walk across town and it's still snowing.
Guess a lot has changed in five years. I didn't realize they closed down the orphanage. Wonder if it's because the city couldn't afford to keep it open.
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Huh? Yeah. This is it. This dilapidated building is where I spent the next eight years after the hellfire.
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Maybe. I think I wasn't adopted because the city itself was in such rough shape. I don't think a lot of people had the chance to consider what kind of kid would be nice to take home after the hellfire.
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Oh don't look at me like that! I keep telling you I turned out alright!
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Yes, I saw my parent's turn into ash at seven, but-
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The orphanage was a good place! You just think it's awful because it's an orphanage!
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Why are you judging me anyway?! You said it yourself when we first met that you thought I was a nice guy!
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…Go figure. You're right. Somehow despite everything in my life I did turn out to be a decent person.
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Helping you was natural for me.
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Fell for it again didn't I? You're…Pretty good at this. Somehow these qualities everyone else notices I never really paid attention to.
Yeah…I like being a nice guy. I like to help people. I like to protect people.
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Hah! A natural hero? You're kidding, right?
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You're not. Well I was.
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Now you want to know about my time at the orphanage? Alright, I'll tell you.
It…Was pretty rough at the beginning. But no worse than your first day at school, just have to give it time and you'll fit right in.
After awhile I met this one boy, same age as me and another survivor of the hellfire. He was pretty traumatized. It was evident since he had lost all the color in his hair, so it was all gray. The other kids avoided him since he only sat in a corner, huddled up and rocking back and forth.
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Yeah…He wasn't really all there. But I felt that I should do something when I first saw him. I began to talk to him. Tried to make friends with him, you know just trying to cheer him up. At first he was cautious around me.
Maybe I was looking for something to fill the gap that was created when my parents died, but…I really tried to make him smile. So I smiled a lot. I tried to be strong and shrug off that entire event.
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Don't call me that. I was just a tough kid. Not some hero. That's not even the right term for what I was doing anyway. I just thought that my parents wouldn't want to know their son fell down and never got back up because no one was there to help him.
Isn't that what parents try to do? Teach their kids how to fall down seven times and to get up eight times? I might not remember much about them anymore, but I know they wanted to see my smiling face throughout all of the hardships.
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Look, you want to hear the story or not?
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After awhile he warmed up to me. Actually his personality did a complete flip. All of a sudden he became really loud and outspoken, but not in the disobedient sort of way. He was a pretty positive guy actually. Suddenly his optimism overcame mine and…Well between the two of us you'd have never have known that we both lost so much. Just two kids, laughing together without a care in the world…
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Yeah…I'm alright, just some snow got in my eye. Give me a second.
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What happened next?
We grew up. Spent eight years in that orphanage, getting an education and working wherever we could get paid under the table. It was pretty hard work for kids to do; most of it was cleaning of some kind. But with him by my side I wasn't bothered by it. Just knowing I had one friend next to me throughout all of it was more than what I needed. In those years he became a really steadfast guy. I often found myself relying on him when I felt down or like I couldn't keep going.
I always admired his determination…It was almost…Scary. He was unyielding in whatever he did. He even developed what you'd probably call a hero complex. Always trying to help people out, though his methods were questionable and sometimes made things worse, in the end I think his heart was always in the right place.
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You're right. He…Was like a brother to me. I…He was always encouraging me when the entire world gave up on me. I knew I could count on him if I needed anything…And yet…At the same time something about him wasn't right in those last couple of years…
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Sorry, but that part of the story won't be told today.
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Not even if you paid me.
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Him? You can say we're not exactly on speaking terms anymore. There was a rather big fallout between us five years ago.
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Like I said, you won't get anymore of that story from me. Normally you'd have to go buy one of my stories, you should feel lucky that you got one for free!
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I lost my identity then? What a strange thing to say. Yet I feel like you're right. Maybe when I first met him was when I started to put on those fronts; those faces.
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I know it wasn't a bad thing at the time.
But that skill of switching faces all the time has come back to bite me where it hurts. When you put on a mask you cover your face from the world and the slings and arrows. When the mask finally breaks and one gets through it hurts so much.
My face never got used to the idea of being able to go out unprotected into a world like that.
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Yeah, it is a strange metaphor isn't it?
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I don't know. I'm here because I'm trying to find a place to start again. Only as myself. No more masks. But I think I dropped my own face somewhere, I don't suppose you've seen it?
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You have? Where?
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Looks like you're getting good at playing these word games too. Handing me a piece of glass all of a sudden, that's real strange.
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How…did I miss that? This whole time you've been telling me the answers I was looking for.
The one thing that was constant with everything I did, every face I faked, was that…
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Aren't you going too far to call me that? Hope? I'm not hope. I'm hopeful. Calling me hero and hope now? I'm not that kind of person! But…I still get your point.
Hope, huh…? Somehow I didn't realize it but I really am reliable in that sense…It always made me feel good to know people could count on me. I never did like to mope around anyway.
…I think I'll keep this shard for awhile.
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Who am I?
Why are you asking me such a worthless question? You've known the answer from the start! Playing dumb with me this whole time, you thought I really wouldn't notice? Hahaha.
Whatever that's not important. This time we part ways for good! I think I know what I want to do from here on out. I have one piece of a face that belongs only to me.
There's somewhere I have to go back to. I have people there I want to see again and…Maybe I can set a few things right too.
I don't think I have all the answers yet…But I have enough to start something.
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Yeah…Thanks, for everything.
I'll see you later!
The Looking Glass Self
Charles Horton Cooley - The Looking Glass Self (Reflexive Self)
1) We have the ability to imagine how we appear to others
2) We have the ability to imagine how others judge us due to our appearance
3) In response to those perceived judgments we choose how to act
You're educated now.
