I'm sitting on the couch, picking at my scars, as I'm waiting for Casey. He said he'd be home in the evening, and I was just leaving the precinct at the time. He'll be here any minute and I don't know what to say. I've tried to figure out a speech, and I was pretty good at it, but in this second my mind is blank.
This past weeks have been too intense. On one side there was Casey, and I talked to him in Skype saying we needed to talk when he got back. When he asked if he should worry, I answered yes. The look on his face was painful but nothing compared to Maura. So there's the other side, the incredible Maura side. We've tried to keep it professional while on the job, and it's weird how easy that turned out to be now that we know how we feel.
Of course there are the usual glances and laughs, and I've noticed she bites her lower lip at some of my not-so-subtle remarks at times, but it's mostly professional and has gone unnoticed by the guys. We have also managed to keep our hands to our self while alone, well almost. We haven't gone past second base, and even that was just once. Cause as it turns out you can't just tease Maura Isles and leave her high and dry, (well not really dry) at least not on good terms, so I didn't want to risk it twice.

The door cracks. I hear a bag being thrown on the floor.

"Jane?" his voice is so casual, like we've said our goodbyes this morning before going to work. I've always liked that about him, how he's comfortable, there's familiarity between us.

"I'm here." My voice cracks at even this simple words and I'm not sure if he heard. He comes around the couch, I sit up, and I'm enveloped in a tight hug, his arms going around my waist.

"I've missed you so much." He whispers in my hair, and lets out a hum. God, this is going to be so hard. I wrap my arms around his shoulders a little more tightly. Cause I've missed him too, to be honest, just not that way so I can't say the words as I know they carry a different meaning.
He pulls back, cups my cheek and when it looks like he's about to kiss me, I do it first. On the cheek, then I give him a quick hug again. His face changes.

"Jane? Is there anything wrong?" His accent makes it sound even more worrying.

"Casey, we need to talk." I sit down turning a little to my left, and he takes the hint and sits beside me. His hand reaches for mine, and he squeezes.
"I know things aren't perfect right now and you're right we do need to talk." He looks so guilty; he thinks this is about him leaving, and the delay of his return. He thinks I'm upset or mad at him; it looks like he might have prepared an apology speech himself. " I do owe you an explanation-"

"No look, whatever you feel like you have to say, I'll have to go first." He stills and prepares to listen, but his hand doesn't leave mine.
"I don't know how to do this, and the only thing I know is that I'm sorry. But I can't lie to you or myself so I have to say this, for our sake." His brow furrow and his grip on my hand looses.

"I can't marry you Casey. I wish there was a less painful way to-"

"What? WHY?" This has gotten him completely by surprise. Damn it Jane couldn't you be a little bit more subtle?

"What is this? Where the hell is this coming from? We just got engaged, what do you mean you can't marry me? If this is about-"

"Can you listen to me? Cause there is an explanation about this, but not what you may think. It's not your fault, this isn't because I've felt lonely this time that you've been gone, or because I don't trust your commitment to me." I see his face change a couple of times. I know him too well, that's what he must be thinking, but in the end there's only confusion left.

Shit, I really suck at this. I was supposed to do this gradually, to let him down easy, I was supposed to be ready. But I guess there is no guide for break-ups, let alone heartbreaks. He's still waiting for an answer. I open my mouth but then-

"There's someone else isn't there? Cause you said this isn't about you feeling lonely, but the only reason I can think of know, the only good reason to break off an engagement is if one of us meets someone else." It seems like realization has caught up with him and I expect Maura's name to fall from his mouth any second now. "I understand that you may be confused and start to doubt your feelings, because we haven't invested enough on our commitment and that's mostly my fault-"

"Don't blame yourself; this isn't about whose fault it is, or about loneliness or comfort. This is about us. What we have, what we feel, what you feel, what I feel-"

"You said Yes. I proposed to you and you said yes. It's normal having cold feet or reconsidering, doesn't mean we can't work it out."

"It's exactly what it means. This isn't me having cold feet, this is me being honest to you. I don't want to marry you Casey, not really. You're a great guy, you treat me right, and I love you, trust me I do, (and I wish your face didn't lit up whenever I say those words) , but it's not enough. This isn't about my work, or your work, we've sorted that out long ago."

"Then what's this about? Is not work, is not me leaving, is not someone else." As he speaks I realize it has never crossed him that I may not be in love with him. All he seems are outside causes but he doesn't doubt our relationship. Have I been acting that good?

"I can't marry you… because …. I'm not in love with you. Not like I should be."

"Are we breaking up?" He tries to suppress his emotions but I can read them on his face. "This is not only about the engagement isn't it? You're breaking up with me." He looks like I've just slapped him hard on the face. "Don't you dare." As I try to say something. "Don't you dare say this isn't about anyone else, or that is not my fault, cause it doesn't make me feel better, and whatever you'll say right now, will somehow be a lie." I can't keep his gaze anymore, and he stands.
"Have you thought about this? Are you sure?" I don't know if he's trying to salvage or end us. But the only honest thing I have to say it's a low but firm yes. He moves and makes a few steps towards the door, I imagine the air must be suffocating for him here. He's got his back on me when I hear his voice.

"I'm only gonna ask one more time, but I don't want an immediate answer. I'm gonna leave now, and when I'll come back you'll probably be asleep…" He leaves his sentence unfinished.
"I think I can stay on the guest room tonight, I don't expect you to..."

"I need a clear head to think about this, and you do to. So guest room it's ok." He's turned around and looking at me. "I love you Jane, but I can't force you into being with me, cause I'm not that kind of guy. So you can take your time and think about it tonight, whatever it is you want us to do."
I feel like the most horrible human being in the planet. Casey's my first love, my high school sweetheart, someone who cares about me, and I'm breaking his heart. But if I don't mine will be broken and worse, Maura's. This is something I have to do- even though I might not like it- it's for the best, for the three of us. I keep that in mind to say it to him when he comes cause he's already out of the door.


When he came last night, must have been late, cause I was already asleep. So as I expected I find him in the kitchen reading the paper next morning.

"Hey." I don't lean over to kiss him on the cheek like every morning he's back, and I'm sure he's not expecting me to do so either.

"Sleep well?" He raises his head from the paper just for one second to make eye contact.

"Yeah, you?" I'm really not ready for this conversation but then again probably I'll never be.

"The bed was too big but yeah, good." I don't sense any sarcasm in his voice.

"Have you eaten anything?"

"No, I was waiting for you to wake up. I made cheese omelette and bacon.

"Thanks." That's either for making them or waiting for me, or both.

"Jane, we…" I have my back to him as I've just grabbed the frying pan and I freeze for one second.

"Can we talk about this after breakfast please?" Being that this could be our last? I don't need to say the words, my tone is enough.

"Okay, breakfast then talking." He smiles but it's sad. This day is gonna be torture.

An hour later the dishes are all washed and we are sitting on the couch. The silence is so heavy it makes me slouch involuntarily. Fortunately, he speaks first.

"I did a lot of thinking last night. What matters to me it's that we want both this, that's how I thought things were. But I see that I was mistaken, now all I wanna know is: have you changed your mind?"

"I thought about this too Casey, not only last night. What we have is good , but it's not enough, at least not for me. So it's not fair for me to lie to you and marry you, make you think everything is okay, when it isn't. I can't marry you."

"Can you be with me? Is this I don't know, fear from commitment or something? I just want a reason."

" It's not only the marriage, I've realized the way you love me it's different from the way I love you."

"How can you know that?" It's now or never, the gloves are off.

"Because I feel it for someone else." He opens his mouth to speak but when the meaning of the words gets to him he closes it again.

"Who is it?" He's mad now, clenching his jaw.

"It doesn't matter. If it's not you, it doesn't matter." I haven't even thought of thst, it just comes to me at that moment. I speak softly, almost regretful. He looks like he's about to cry, but then he gets up.

"I should've seen this coming. The signs were there all along, you didn't miss me enough, didn't want me enough, how could I be so blind?" His head is shaking and he's mostly speaking with himself. "Don't think for one second, you are better because you did this now. You ACCEPTED my proposal, you made me think we were fine, I spent weeks thousands of miles away thinking I had someone to come home to, but it was all a lie." He's definitely angry now, his voice raising and for a moment he looks like he's gonna physically attack me. But it's just one second, and I don't hold a grudge against him casue I know what it's like to be so angry you don't know what to do with yourself.
"Screw you, ok?" Now his voice his quieter."Just screw you!" He walks towards the door and opens it.
"I'll have someone pick up my stuff in the morning when you're not home." He bangs the door loudly, and I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding.
I take a few more minutes to compose myself, then I get dressed, grab the keys and leave too.


I push the down button on the elevator. She's gotta be the first one to know. The elevator comes and I make all the way to her office on instinct not really registering anything. That's until I see her. Face lowered working on some files, she turns her head up to meet my eyes as I enter without knocking.

"Jane?" She tilts her head and her brow furrows on worry. I don't even imagine the look on my face but I know I'm speechless. "Is everything okay?"

"I did it." She doesn't understand. "Maura, I did it." I say more firmly. Realization goes through her features then a smile. A small, sweet smile. Than she nods and sits up opening her arms. It's not a happy hug, it's a I-know-this-was-hard-for-you-but-it-had-to-be-done hug. She knows me too well.


A/U It's been a long time since the last update, I know. I'm sorry if this took too long & thank you for still reading this. I decided it was better to focus a whole chapter on the break-up. Hope you enjoyed it. If you have anything to say, feel free to review.