Skye did her best to forget about May's insinuations. She was pretty sure that May and Jemma were playing a prank on her. A prank that required Jemma to shave her vag. Skye didn't know she had it in her.
The next day Skye was taking her firearms exam again, this time at SHIELD Base 14, which she hoped would be lucky. She focused on that. Aced the written portion as usual. Then went to the firing range and Victoria Hand was there, immaculate except for the ear muffs hanging around her neck.
"Well. If it isn't Skye again. They let you off the Bang Bus early?"
Skye wheeled on her. "Okay, the first few times you said that, it was funny, but now that I know what you mean, I'm offended!"
"You're offended? You've tried to get a weapons clearance five times."
"Guns are loud! And scary! And I'm a hacker, I'm honestly never going to use one."
"Five times."
"I can flip people. You have no idea how good I am at flipping."
"Gun's on the table," Hand said. "Try to remember which end the bullets come out."
"Jerk," Skye whispered under her breath, grabbing the gun. She checked the safety, loaded it, worked the slide…
"You know what I heard?" Hand asked. "I heard that every time you fail your firearms exam, Coulson gives you a spanking."
"Not true!"
"It would explain a lot. I'm not judging, though. The man has nice hands. If he were a balding, middle-aged lesbian instead of a balding, middle-aged man…"
"Ew!"
"She could wear the same suits, even. I'll admit it, I joined SHIELD for the pantsuits."
"You too, huh?" May asked, coming out of another stall on the firing range, depositing her gun on the table, and taking off her ear muffs with a flip of her hair that was everything true in the universe.
Skye closed her gaping jaw so hard that her teeth clicked.
"Agent May," Hand said. "Nice seeing you. When you're done playing in the minor leagues, perhaps you could come and work for me. I'd love to have you serving under me."
"And I'd like it if you fingered me… for a position on your team." May tilted her head to the side. "But let's see if Skye's learned to fire a gun without closing her eyes. Wouldn't want her getting spanked. It's not even the weekend."
"That is not a—I am going to—" Skye groaned in frustration. "Know what? I'm going to fucking ace this test. I'm gonna make it my bitch." She got in Hand's face, so close that when she breathed, it fogged up Hand's glasses. "I'm gonna pimp this test out to other tests until it gets knocked up by the SAT, then I'm gonna pay for its abortion, and them I'm gonna pimp it some more. Dolla-dolla bills, yo. And I'm so sure about that, that if I don't make this test, I really will get spanked by Coulson. May, you're… you. Say if I don't pass this test, you're getting me spanked."
May's arms were crossed. "If Skye doesn't pass this test, she's getting spanked thirty times, by Coulson, in front of the team, while bare-bottomed. I swear this on the mystical city of K'un-L'un."
"Wha?"
"It's a big deal."
"No, I know that K-pop group, I'm just wondering about that really specific scenario."
"Thought you'd prefer it to Hand's ideas."
"I suppose it's a bare-handed spanking?" Hand interjected.
"Yes. And no mustard."
"You're getting soft in your remarkably youthful-looking old age."
"Okay, power lesbians, doesn't matter, I'm kicking this." Skye pulled her ear muffs on. "Alright, motherfuckers. Get used to my ass being this pasty, because this test is fucked."
Coulson closed the file gently, breathed in the ambiance of his office, then regarded Skye. He smiled serenely. "So you shot someone. It's not the end of the world."
Skye was seated with May standing behind her, like Death, only… nope, like Death. "She shot someone," May reiterated. "On a firing range. The one environment on Earth most designed to not allow someone to get shot."
"In my defense, I don't think my ear muffs were working. Maybe I had 'em on backwards…"
Coulson rapped his knuckles on the file. "Well, fortunately it was only a leg injury, so he'll just be going through years of painful therapy and emotional trauma."
"In my defense, I said I was sorry…" Skye trailed off a little.
"Yes, well, I think it's best if we train you to be one of those agents who doesn't use a gun."
"I'm going to use a bow, like Hawkeye?"
Coulson shook his head.
"Then those cool stinger wrist bracelets, like Black Widow has?"
"No, I was thinking pepper spray."
"Oh."
"Once you've passed the exam for pepper spray."
"I accept that. But let's be fair, I watched a Mythbusters where they said that exactly what happened, couldn't happen."
"This is global espionage, Skye, not a wonderful educational TV show."
"Alright then. I will just go cancel my order for that sweet Battlestar Galactica holster I saw on etsy." Skye got up to leave.
"Just a minute," Coulson called.
"What, you want it? It is pretty awesome."
"I'm also aware that you made a bet that if you didn't pass your firearms test—" Coulson opened the file, flipped through, and traced his finger to a particular line. "Ah. You would be spanked, by me, thirty times, with the team watching, and bare-bottomed." He looked up at May. "Mustard?"
"No sir."
Coulson gave Skye a smile. "Well, that's a relief, huh?"
Skye laughed incredulously. "You're really—guys, c'mon, I was joking."
Coulson regarded the file again. "No, says right here, 'Trainee Skye was not joking.'"
"Wear the Property of SHIELD T-shirt," May added. "It'll be hot."
"Guys! C'mon! I know you all see me as a kid, but spanking me when I screw up?" Reading the room, Skye decided she probably should've have asked from sympathy from someone who had died and Melinda May in general. "Okay, what happens if I say no? Are you just gonna hog-tie me and…?"
"No, you can say no if you wish. But you'll have to settle that with May. You did make her promise to see this through."
May's arms were very crossed. "If you don't do this, we won't be friends anymore."
"We're friends now?"
"Of course. I've never smacked you when you annoy me."
"Alright, one more time for the person who isn't a porn star slash secret agent." Skye took a deep breath. "You expect me to take my pants off and get my ass smacked thirty times in front of all my friends."
"That's correct." "About the size of it."
Skye nodded to herself. "Can I have some tequila first?"
