Justin
"Thank God!" I exclaimed as Brian walked in the door carrying Chinese takeout. "I'm starving". It was after seven when he got home.
"Yes, I agree the lack of delivery is a major downside to living out here." Brian cracked as he placed the food down and greeted me with a brief hug. "I got Molly something, I wasn't sure if she would be home".
"I wish, out with Mark again" I picked up the containers and opened the chop stick packages. Brian grabbed some plates and napkins and we sat down to eat at the coffee table.
"How was your day?" he asked getting back up to grab a beer from the fridge, "You want one?" he offered.
I shook my head no and he grabbed me a bottle of water instead. "It was good; I finished one of my paintings. Oh, and I made tentative plans with Emmett to talk about the wedding tomorrow. We need to narrow down a date."
As we were finishing dinner, Brian's cell rang. I could tell it was Michael. He came into the kitchen as I was cleaning up, still on the phone.
"Justin, do you know where Gus's game schedule is?" He said looking under a stack of mail on the desk.
I opened the drawer, pulled out the schedule and handed it to him. I heard Brian's side of the conversation pleased that he had considered Gus when making plans. He didn't make it to enough games in my opinion. "Yeah, Wednesday looks good. The game should be done by six-thirty" he continued, "seven o'clock. We'll be there. Love you too".
He hung up the phone. "We're having dinner at Michael and Ben's Wednesday after Gus's game" he informed me before clarifying "You were planning to go, right?"
"Yes but I will have to meet you there" I smiled. "I have a few errands to run in town before the game"
"Are you going to be near the office?" Brian asked, "Can you stop by so we can sign the papers we talked about. It should only take about an hour."
I agreed to stop by the office around one before I ran my errands. "Hey, will Emmett be at Michael's for dinner, I have a deposit check for him?" I asked.
"No, I don't think so", Brian continued, "He wants me to meet the new artist for Rage. You met him right, I think his name is Brad or Chad or something?"
"He hired him?" I was irritated Michael hadn't run the final decision by me. "I think you might have met him too by the way. I couldn't place him but he definitely looked familiar".
"Oh" Brian said slowly catching my meaning, "well this should be fun then."
Brian
I pulled into the driveway about seven Tuesday evening to see Emmett's car parked next to Justin's blocking my access to the garage. I was surprised until I remembered Justin had told me they were meeting about the wedding. I hurried inside hoping they would have it all figured out. Like the last time, whatever Justin wanted was fine with me. I only cared that there was good booze and he was happy.
"Brian, just in time", Emmett hollered from the kitchen. I walked into an array of cake slices. "Here, I bought some samples from the bakery for you to select your cake". He handed me a fork.
I took a bite of one of the slices. Justin had his mouth full already. "This is good" he said offering me another piece. I tasted it and nodded in agreement.
"Good choice" said Emmett, "One of my favorites". He checked over his list. "Okay well we have the fabulous space" he said while flamboyantly gesturing to the house "and all the major decisions are made: flowers, food, music and now cake. So I just need you lovers to settle on a date and I can book all the vendors for you and order the invitations."
"Brian, can you check your schedule? Justin prompted me, "I want to plan the wedding so we can take a week off immediately for a honeymoon. Cynthia told me the first week in July was the earliest you could get away. Does that still work for you?"
"You called Cynthia?" I asked surprised taking another bite of cake.
"Of course", he said looking up and smiling. "How else do you think I get your schedule free? We email regularly."
I pulled out my phone and glanced at the first week of July: nothing major pending, no deadlines looming, and no meetings that couldn't be rescheduled. "It looks promising" I offered.
"OK well that doesn't give me much time but it's doable". Emmett made a note. "You guys are taking care of the rings, vows, and your ensembles and I will take care of all the rest."
Emmett started heading for the door before turning to hug Justin good-bye. "This time you guys better go through with it." He said half-jokingly.
After Emmett left, Justin pulled out his laptop and started surfing. "Do you want to see what I have in mind for our honeymoon?" He moved the screen to show me the resort he had picked out. "It's on the Amalfi Coast, you've never been, right"
"Looks good!" I exclaimed wrapping my arms around him from behind looking over his shoulder as he advanced the resort's picture slide show. "Have you booked it yet?"
"No, one of my errands tomorrow is to the travel agent. I needed to confirm the dates with you first"
"Well let's extend the trip a bit longer than a week; we just need to be back before Gus's birthday. After all, it might be the last kid-free vacation for a while" Brian patted my shoulder and kissed my neck. "But Sunshine, please no early flights"
Justin
I woke up early Wednesday morning; Brian was still asleep. I climbed out of bed gently so as to not wake him and made my way to the bathroom. I turned on the shower and climbed in. I recalled my last conversation with Brian about asking Molly to be a surrogate. Between the wedding plans and my upcoming deadline, we had agreed to post pone talking to Molly for now. Maybe Brian was right, Molly seemed so happy lately. Her life was starting to come together: she had school, a boyfriend, and friends. She was really looking forward to going to Penn State for the Fall Semester and was applying for other scholarships like crazy. I was sure she would find something but I had reassured her I would pay for her school if it didn't work out. It felt good to be able to offer but I was worried she might feel obligated to help us in return. I made a mental note to make sure she knew school was not a condition for helping us carry a baby.
"Justin", Brian called out having snuck in the shower behind me, surprising me, "You're up early, everything okay?"
"Couldn't sleep and I have a lot to do today" I responded tilting my head to let Brian kiss my neck.
Brian grabbed the soap from my hands and started washing my back. His cock pushed against me and I could feel he was aroused. I turned to face him glancing down at his boner and giving him a smile. I took the soap back and washed his chest paying special attention to his nipples, kissing him slowly while the water ran over us. Brian turned me around and I braced myself against the wall of the shower. I let him fuck me but remained too distracted to really get into it. I was sure Brian noticed that I barely got hard. When he was done, Brian pulled out and cleaned himself off.
"What's the matter with you?" he asked in a tone that was more concerned than cross.
"I'm sorry" I offered a half-hearted explanation "Just distracted"
"Having trouble with the paintings?" he asked grabbing me around the waist pulling me closer "You're usually a sex machine when under a deadline"
I gave Brian some bullshit explanation so he would know it wasn't him. I didn't want to talk about the baby this morning. I needed to sort out my own feelings about it first. I was feeling incredibly conflicted.
I left Brian in the shower and stood at the sink brushing my teeth and moving through my morning routine like a zombie. After getting dressed, I headed to the studio and started working. I heard the door slam when Brian left.
Around noon I headed out the door to meet Brian and the lawyer at Kinnetic. I planned to stop by the diner and pick up lunch for Brian. It took longer than I planned and when I pulled into Kinnetic parking lot, it was almost one but I noticed Brian's car wasn't in his parking spot. I called him on his cell thinking maybe I got the time wrong. No answer.
I walked up to Brian's office and Molly greeted me warmly. "Hi Justin"
"Hi yourself", I gave her a hug, peeking into Brian's office through the glass wall, "Where's Brian?"
"Not back from the doctor's yet", she said "He just called to say he was on his way. Your lawyer is here with some papers. I put him in the conference room if you want to go in. Do you want something to drink?"
"No thanks" I answered "I got Brian some lunch, can you put this in the fridge for him maybe he can eat it later."
I headed into the conference room and introduced myself to Brian's lawyer Mr. Silva. He took out a stack of papers and placed a pen on the desk. "Do you want to start?" he asked.
"Maybe we should wait for Brian", I suggested.
We made polite small talk about the wedding plans and my art show until Brian rushed in apologizing for his tardiness. Mr. Silva looked annoyed that Brian was late but said nothing. He quickly went to work going through each document explaining the purpose of each form in lay terms. Brian signed each form emotionless, he looked off, something was wrong. Mr. Silva left promptly after the meeting leaving Brian and I in the conference room.
"Thanks again for doing all this", I said walking over to Brian and rubbed his shoulders "everything okay at the doctors?"
"Yeah fine" Brian said not convincingly looking at me with pained eyes.
"Brian" I said worriedly "you're freaking me out, what's wrong?"
"Nothing that we should get into now" he said, "we can talk about it later, okay?"
Brian
I sat in my office staring at my computer screen for the afternoon trying to concentrate on work. Around four, Linz called me and said she had a late meeting come up and asked if I would mind picking up Gus and taking him to his game. I agreed and packed up to head out for the day.
I pulled up to the school and waited for Gus to appear among the crowd of kids. He wouldn't be looking for my car. I finally spotted him in a crowd of third and fourth grade boys, his height just slightly above the rest, his brown hair waving in the slight breeze. My sonny boy, I thought to myself, not that he let me call him that unless we were alone. He really looked just like me at that age. I honked at first but didn't get his attention so I left the car and walked up to him. He was passing around a comic book with another kid, one of the rewards from helping Uncle Michael in the store with his sister. "Gus", I called out to get his attention.
"Dad" he said looking confused "what are you doing here, are my moms okay?"
"Yeah, yeah, of course" I reassured him "Mom got caught up at work and Mama is still in court. I am here to take you to your game."
He said good-bye and followed me to the car. "Where's Justin? Is he coming to the game?"
"He's going to meet us there, with your moms. You'll have the largest cheering section of any kid." I joked.
"Not really" he laughed, "a lot of my friends have two parents and two step-parents; just not two moms and a dad and a…." he paused thinking about it, "Is Justin my step-dad?"
I laughed nervously; Gus always seemed well-adjusted about his somewhat unique family. We have never really labeled Justin before for him. "I guess he will be after the wedding. Is that okay with you?
"I guess" he said "mom said he was there when I was born. So I guess it's like he's another dad. Should I call him dad too?"
"That might get confusing, you can call him Justin after the wedding or we can come up with another name if you want" I offered, I was sure Justin would be touched by his comment and made a mental note to tell him about it.
Justin
I made it to Gus's game just in time for the kick-off or whatever they call it in soccer. Truthfully I had no idea about the rules of the game. I figured if he played again next year, I would make an effort to learn the lingo. Gus was the goalie so it was easy to know when he was doing something right and I had faked it for the last two seasons. I walked over to the bleachers and found Brian sitting with Lindsay.
"Hi" I gave Lindsay a hug and moved past her to sit next to Brian. He patted my leg and gave me a nudge to acknowledge that he was glad to see me. We were careful to limit our PDA in front of Gus and his friends as to avoid negative attention and that included kissing or hugging.
"Did you get your errands done?" he asked.
"Yep got the trip booked, the catering deposit is paid, the wedding invitations have been picked up from the calligrapher, and I stopped by the gallery to talk to the owner about the upcoming show. They are coming to pick up the finished pieces tomorrow. It's a great space." I ran through the rest of my days errands.
"You okay?" I asked still concerned about this afternoon.
"I'm fabulous" he said changing the subject as Gus blocked a shot "Look at my sonny boy killing it out there."
I let it go for now, we would talk later after dinner. Mel showed up with J.R. and we watched the rest of the game and cheered loudly as Gus's team won 3-2 in a last-minute goal.
After the game, we waited to say good-bye to Gus. He ran up with his friend Cameron in toe. "Mom" he said to Linz, "Can Cameron go with us to get pizza?"
Cameron's parents were approaching us. Lindsay greeted them and introduced her and the group. "Hi, I'm Lindsay, Gus's mom. This is my wife Melanie and Gus's Dad, Brian" They looked a bit taken by surprise but not disgusted.
Gus chimed in, "and this is my other dad, Justin". He said it really plainly. My heart swelled. I have always thought of Gus like a son but being introduced as a dad was so overwhelming. I was grinning proudly. With that Gus and Cameron ran off and Lindsay talked to the other parents about the dinner plans and Brian and I said our good-byes and left.
I left my car at the soccer field and drove with Brian over to Michael and Ben's for dinner. "Did you hear that", I asked Brian, "Can you believe that Gus called me his other dad?"
"Well, yes I can" he explained "I mean, first he asked me about it on the way to the game and second, you are like a dad to him. You've been as big a part of his life as I have except for the five minutes I spent jerking off into that cup"
Brian
Justin and I pulled into the driveway at quarter till seven. "Justin" I asked "I have a bottle of wine in the back for dinner, can you grab it?"
"Sure" he said as he reached around and felt for the bottle on the floor board of the car.
I started to get out of the car when I heard Justin say, "Brian, what's this?"
"Shit" I said sitting back down in the car grabbing the folder from the fertility clinic from his hands. "I planned to talk to you about this later".
"Why do you have a folder full of adoption information" he asked a bit angrily.
"Can we talk later?" I begged "We're late"
"No we're not, we're early" he said placing his hand on my shoulder, "Tell me what the doctor said"
I sighed and looked down at the floor. "He said it's impossible, okay" I barked angry he was forcing me to have this conversation in a car outside Michael's. "He said the radiation, in addition to killing cancer cells, killed any chance of me getting Molly or anyone else for that matter, pregnant. They gave me the folder because they assumed I was straight and that I would want to discuss alternatives with my wife. So if we are going to have a baby, you're going to have to man up and do the job yourself."
The hurt puppy dog look Justin gave me nearly broke my heart. I was about to apologize when Michael came out and waved. "What are you doing out there, come in guys" he insisted.
Justin left the car abruptly, following Michael into the house.
I slammed the car door shut and walked in to the house. Just when I didn't think this fucking day could get any fucking worse, I see him. The fucking guy who told me I had cancer after he blew me, Sean or Shane, or whatever. "What the fuck?" I said not hiding my confusion.
"Excuse me" Michael said introducing the man to me, "this is Chad our new artist for Rage".
"I thought you were a doctor?" I asked him looking between him and Michael "wait, your name is not Chad, what the fuck is going on?"
Justin came into the room and even seeing my utter confusion, glared at me for my rudeness.
"Oh", Chad spoke, "You must know my brother Shane. Don't worry it happens all the time, we're twins."
"Twins?" I said in disbelief.
"Yeah, actually he must get around more than I think cause I've only been in Pittsburgh like five weeks and this is the third time this has happened." He tried laughing it off. "So are you the inspiration for Rage?"
"Brian" Justin said, "Can you come help me please?"
I followed Justin out to the car. "What did you need help with?"
"Nothing" he barked "I just wanted to get you out of there before you made an even bigger ass of yourself. Can we just get through this dinner please? We can talk about what you said later."
I followed him into the house and placed a fake smile on my face. Pouring myself a drink, I planned to be comfortably numb by the time dinner was served.
Mission accomplished. I barely remember dinner and Chad's departure immediately following. I said good-bye to Michael and Ben and Justin somewhat helped me to the car.
I vaguely remember Justin bitching about having the come pick up his car the next day in town and losing valuable studio time before passing out in the car.
"Brian" Justin called my name poking me "Brian, wake up, we're home"
I slowly opened my eyes and with Justin's help stumbled up the stairs and to the bed.
I woke up in an empty bed sill dressed to the alarm blaring from across the room.
"Who moved the fucking alarm clock?" I said throwing a pillow at it but missing and knocking over a lamp instead.
"Jesus Christ Brian" Justin shouted entering the room from the hallway, "Get it together". He reached down and thankfully turned off the clock.
"That was quite a show you put on last night" he said.
I sat up, looking at him and patted the bed motioning for him to sit beside me.
"I'm sorry" I said kissing his forehead. "Really, I don't know what got into me."
"I just want to understand why you got so freaked. Who's Shane? Have you fucked him since we stopped using condoms?" Justin said his face furrowed.
"What? No!" I said emphatically, "I would never, you know that"
"Then what?" he asked.
I started talking and didn't stop until I had gotten it all out. I told him about how Shane was the one who found the lump on my testicle. I did my best to come clean about how finding out I was shooting blanks was as emasculating as having my ball removed. I told him about being offered a chance to bank my sperm before the radiation and passing up on it without ever discussing it with him. It was all too much.
Justin
After Brian and I talked I felt better. He told me how he was feeling, something that never comes easy for him, and I told him how conflicted I had been as well. We lay down on our bed together side-by-side. His arms around me holding me tight, running his fingers through my hair. I could feel his breath on my neck. I suddenly started crying.
"Sunshine, what's wrong?" Brian asked squeezing me even tighter.
"I'm just sad" I admitted "I'm sad for us, I feel like maybe we aren't meant to have a kid"
"Justin, listen" he said "Are you listening?"
I nodded, "This isn't the end. We still have lots of options" he continued "Do you remember when Gus called you his dad?"
I nodded again.
He continued holding onto me tightly "Well you haven't looked that happy in long time. Now you have a taste of what it's like: that overwhelming connection and love that comes from having a child. I want that for you. We'll just have to find a different surrogate and you'll be the biological father. I don't understand why you're giving up"
"Brian. I'm scared" I finally admitted. "I'm scared the only way you will be able to really love our child, to be connected to the baby, is if it's yours biologically"
Brian turned me around on my back, leaning over and kissing me gently. "Sunshine, is that what you've been so worried about? Look, I told you before; I will love the baby because it's part of you. I promise you."
It was the first time Brian had really promised me anything and I knew he wouldn't break it.
